My DH regrets having kids

[Anonymous]

My ex hated having kids so much that when he accidentally knocked me up with #2, he told me to have an abortion.

So I dumped him and kept the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

touché my friend, touché

[Anonymous]

OP, go over and read the thread about SAHMS giving up great careers. What is going on in your family is why having a SAHM in the family can be a great thing. My DH hated parenting, too, when the kids were little -- we had twins so it was a ton of work and overwhelming. I stayed home after about 9 months. This enabled DH to focus on his career without limits. He was happier, and I have loved raising my own children. Yes, I gave up a fabulous career that I miss (do it part time, but it's not the same), but our family life would have been Hell if I hadn't. I'd think about it if I were you. And if parenting isn't your thing, either -- well, sorry to be snarky, but why on Earth did you have children together?

I don't agree. Why should the OP give up her career (esp since it seems that she enjoys it) so that her husband can push off even MORE of the basic responsibilities of child-rearing on her? It doesn't deal with the real issue, which is not the fact that his life has changed but that his maturity level has not changed along with it. And the fact that what OP wanted was a family, not just children, and by that I mean a unit where both parents love, support, nurture their children and each other. I feel sorry for OP and sorry for the kids who will figure out, if they haven't already, that dad is more interest in his own unhappiness than in their happiness.

OP, I wish I had advice, but I don't. I guess you might want to give it more time, since they are so young, but you might also need to have a serious "suck it up' talk with your husband. His complaining is immature, selfish, useless and hurtful. sure, having kids can be a nightmare at times, but he signed up for it.

On other question, what is his relationship with his parents? You might want him to think about that--if he has a good (close) one, ask him if he is fostering that with his kids...and if a poor one, the same question.

[Anonymous]

Relentless Nightmare PP is right. I love my kids dearly but would not necessarily choose to have them again if I had known what parenting and marriage take. When DH and I both worked life was just a whirlwind of exhaustion and frustration.

[Anonymous]

When I've tried to multitask childcare with something else, and in general when I've looked at caring for them as a chore/responsibility - something to get through - I've been miserable. When I invest myself in that activity alone, I often enjoy it.

When the kids were younger, it was good for me to have full days solo with the kids. I found full-day activities for us, and developed more of a relationship with them. Younger kids in particular tend to favor their mothers so much that it's hard for fathers to enjoy them when the mother is around - the kids treat you like crap, even if you're a good dad.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't deal with the real issue, which is not the fact that his life has changed but that his maturity level has not changed along with it. And the fact that what OP wanted was a family, not just children, and by that I mean a unit where both parents love, support, nurture their children and each other. I feel sorry for OP and sorry for the kids who will figure out, if they haven't already, that dad is more interest in his own unhappiness than in their happiness.

This is so true in my family as well and I did try SAHM to see if it helped. Now trying to figure out finances to get out.

I think before kids you can be a couple without being a family as much. To have someone who sees showing up and kind of resentful minimal caretaking as the same thing as being part of a family is soul crushing for the other family members. You want someone to share your life and gratefulness and joy in your kids. I find we are all happier when it's just me and the kids, the brooding negativity is a drag and a drain.

OP does your husband have close relationships with anyone in his life? Close to any family, long term friends, etc? Any relationships he nurtured, invested in, values? In our case, the answer would be no, and so I can no longer expect that things might change. Am horrified at the example this is setting for the kids and how they may in turn seek out people like this. I'll never forget what a friend once said about her boyfriend, "if only you could understand, like I understand, how hard it is for him to give so little". You value relationships, your husband is using technology and hurtful words to try to avoid them. I am willing to guess that he did not have a close loving family and may have wanted kids so quickly so that they in a sense could meet his needs. But parenting is much more of a relentless giveathon. He feels like he didn't get what he wanted so has pulled back. He doesn't think about the kids as people really, or about wanting to be a good dad.

Family therapy might help or even spending time with families where both parents are warm and engaged. You need to make that his "new normal". Has worked for friends, alas, not in our case. At our house, any minimal improvements are always directed at the kids, never me (the bitch who requests change), and they never last long. It's sad, but it doesn't have to be our daily reality, that is in my hands.

Best to you and your family OP. The kids are watching all the time, your life is their template. Wish I'd learned more about self care and picking well at an early age, but even an old dog can learn new tricks I hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't deal with the real issue, which is not the fact that his life has changed but that his maturity level has not changed along with it. And the fact that what OP wanted was a family, not just children, and by that I mean a unit where both parents love, support, nurture their children and each other. I feel sorry for OP and sorry for the kids who will figure out, if they haven't already, that dad is more interest in his own unhappiness than in their happiness.

This is so true in my family as well and I did try SAHM to see if it helped. Now trying to figure out finances to get out.

I think before kids you can be a couple without being a family as much. To have someone who sees showing up and kind of resentful minimal caretaking as the same thing as being part of a family is soul crushing for the other family members. You want someone to share your life and gratefulness and joy in your kids. I find we are all happier when it's just me and the kids, the brooding negativity is a drag and a drain.

OP does your husband have close relationships with anyone in his life? Close to any family, long term friends, etc? Any relationships he nurtured, invested in, values? In our case, the answer would be no, and so I can no longer expect that things might change. Am horrified at the example this is setting for the kids and how they may in turn seek out people like this. I'll never forget what a friend once said about her boyfriend, "if only you could understand, like I understand, how hard it is for him to give so little". You value relationships, your husband is using technology and hurtful words to try to avoid them. I am willing to guess that he did not have a close loving family and may have wanted kids so quickly so that they in a sense could meet his needs. But parenting is much more of a relentless giveathon. He feels like he didn't get what he wanted so has pulled back. He doesn't think about the kids as people really, or about wanting to be a good dad.

Family therapy might help or even spending time with families where both parents are warm and engaged. You need to make that his "new normal". Has worked for friends, alas, not in our case. At our house, any minimal improvements are always directed at the kids, never me (the bitch who requests change), and they never last long. It's sad, but it doesn't have to be our daily reality, that is in my hands.

Best to you and your family OP. The kids are watching all the time, your life is their template. Wish I'd learned more about self care and picking well at an early age, but even an old dog can learn new tricks I hope.

Man this post is right on the money. And the bolded part too. This was my life. I am now divorced and much happier. My ex is a better father because he only has to turn it on once in a while, for a short period of time. I handle the relentless give a thon by myself. And actually it's easier because I don't also have to worry about trying to give enough to make a selfish ass happy too. Which was impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Family therapy might help or even spending time with families where both parents are warm and engaged.

This is interesting. OP again here - most of his friends are either still single/childless (child free?) and/or unhappy with their own family situations with young children. I need to find some good happy families with young kids. Know any?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relentless Nightmare PP is right. I love my kids dearly but would not necessarily choose to have them again if I had known what parenting and marriage take. When DH and I both worked life was just a whirlwind of exhaustion and frustration.

Ditto. A lot of people feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Family therapy might help or even spending time with families where both parents are warm and engaged.

This is interesting. OP again here - most of his friends are either still single/childless (child free?) and/or unhappy with their own family situations with young children. I need to find some good happy families with young kids. Know any?

This didn't work for me. I discovered too late that I didn't like being married and I regretted having children.

[Anonymous]

I think we both regretted, at least a little bit, having children when they were young. Parenting is ever so much better when they can get up on their own and give the parents a chance to wake up later than 6 am! We enjoy parenting more every year. Parenting babies and toddlers pretty much sucks IMO.

[Anonymous]

This didn't work for me. I discovered too late that I didn't like being married and I regretted having children.

I find this so sad. My mother pretty much felt this way and I grew up feeling horribly guilty for ruining her life. She made it clear that she felt that having kids ruined her chances at a career, and then the depression and stress ruined her marriage. I once asked her when things seemed to go wrong in the marriage, and she responded "pretty much after you were born. I could handle your brother, but having two put me over the edge and your father was no help."

To this day, she denies that she ever implied that she didn't want kids or was ambivalent, but I used to hear the screaming fights she had with my dad about feeling trapped, about how her life was ruined, about how he was so selfish leaving her with the kids all day and that she couldn't get anything done, about how we ruined her life. And I remember cowering at home, when she was in a rage, and being scared about doing somethign to set her off. I tried very hard to be perfect to please her hoping that good grades and high achievement would make her proud and thus happier to have a daughter, but nothing seemed to help.

I waited until 38 to get married and 39 to have a child because i was so terrified that having a family meant unhappiness. I realize that in my case, it is the opposite. The weird thing is that starting in my 20s, my mom kept pushing me to get married and have kids, telling me that I'd really regret it if I didn't. I think she was just ambivalent over her own conflicted feeligns.

anyway, I'm not sure what the answer is for OP but for your kids and marriage sake, counseling and some tough love is necessary. And if nothing changes, then personally I'd probably consider leaving, because I wouldnt want to raise my kids with someone who made them feel like a burden.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't pack your bags just yet. You have two very young kids and that is seriously the worst time ever, especially if any of your kids have sleeping/eating/potty training issues... It can just be a stressful, life-sucking time where you lose your identity and feel like the kids have taken over. It does get better over time.

I guess I'm mostly wondering whether he's really upset about the kids being in existence, period, or whether he wishes he could have some of his old life back because he doesn't feel like he has his own identity anymore. I think the former is more dooming and the latter is completely understandable and changeable.

Does he ever enjoy being around the kids? Does he ever have moments when he's happy he's a father? I agree with the pp who said parenting is like a constant fluctuation between a relentless nightmare and grateful happiness. Usually, for me, the grateful happiness came when dd was sleeping.

But I know I've had my sad and bitter seasons when I've felt like having kids has completely sucked the "me" out of my life, and I resent them for needing to have the whole family's life and schedule rotate around them. Ultimately I've dealt with it and done a pretty damn good job of parenting because I still care about my kids somewhere deep down inside. I just tried to find little ways to also keep my own identity and have my own fun... going out with friends occasionally, having date nights so we can just be a couple sometimes, keeping a hobby... those little things have helped to keep me going and not feeling like I am a mom and mom only.

Sometimes my resentful attitude upset DH just like your DH's attitude is upsetting you... but for me, it wasn't about him. I didn't feel trapped by marriage... I wanted more of a marriage because I felt trapped by children.

It's not like I was going to abandon my kids or divorce or anything drastic... I just felt sad that I couldn't be more selfish with my life. And then I got over it. And then it came back. And now I'm getting over it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't pack your bags just yet. You have two very young kids and that is seriously the worst time ever, especially if any of your kids have sleeping/eating/potty training issues... It can just be a stressful, life-sucking time where you lose your identity and feel like the kids have taken over. It does get better over time.

I guess I'm mostly wondering whether he's really upset about the kids being in existence, period, or whether he wishes he could have some of his old life back because he doesn't feel like he has his own identity anymore. I think the former is more dooming and the latter is completely understandable and changeable.

Does he ever enjoy being around the kids? Does he ever have moments when he's happy he's a father? I agree with the pp who said parenting is like a constant fluctuation between a relentless nightmare and grateful happiness. Usually, for me, the grateful happiness came when dd was sleeping.

But I know I've had my sad and bitter seasons when I've felt like having kids has completely sucked the "me" out of my life, and I resent them for needing to have the whole family's life and schedule rotate around them. Ultimately I've dealt with it and done a pretty damn good job of parenting because I still care about my kids somewhere deep down inside. I just tried to find little ways to also keep my own identity and have my own fun... going out with friends occasionally, having date nights so we can just be a couple sometimes, keeping a hobby... those little things have helped to keep me going and not feeling like I am a mom and mom only.

Sometimes my resentful attitude upset DH just like your DH's attitude is upsetting you... but for me, it wasn't about him. I didn't feel trapped by marriage... I wanted more of a marriage because I felt trapped by children.

It's not like I was going to abandon my kids or divorce or anything drastic... I just felt sad that I couldn't be more selfish with my life. And then I got over it. And then it came back. And now I'm getting over it again.

Love this. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone admit any of this ambivalence toward parenting to their friends?