When your child is very different than you - looks, popularity etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

I can relate. My kid is the same and I also get really frustrated with feeling like I'm forcing a horse to drink.

Me three. A very good looking boy but introverted/reserved which can come off as arrogant or just awkward. Not ambitious and not very persistent/hardworking. I worry that all he’s got going for him is good looks and what will he do when they start to fade in his 30s? Baldness runs in the family

He’ll look like an old man at age 30
SAD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We handle it like Frasier Crane's dad did. No two people are exactly alike, so why would you expect your kids to be just like you? Help them develop into who they are meant to be.

I am just happy to see the reference here. A long time ago I started a thread asking how to help my kid become an intellectual (like me, hehe) and the show was recommended. I greatly enjoyed it for a few seasons!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

I can relate. My kid is the same and I also get really frustrated with feeling like I'm forcing a horse to drink.

Me three. A very good looking boy but introverted/reserved which can come off as arrogant or just awkward. Not ambitious and not very persistent/hardworking. I worry that all he’s got going for him is good looks and what will he do when they start to fade in his 30s? Baldness runs in the family

He’ll look like an old man at age 30
SAD

He isn’t too sporty also so there’s no chance for “the tuff guy baldness”. I am not badmouthing my kid, I am worried. He isn’t equipped to deal with not having the pretty privilege like I was and am.
At the same time of course I am happy and proud. He has a good fashion sense too and I try to help him have the clothes he wants (he pays for a lot of them himself, btw).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

Stop trying to make her just like you. Most students are not interested in obtaining a PhD so drop that, nobody cares. Stop calling your kid gifted. What does that even mean?

There are plenty of people walking around that are smarter than you but are chill, work at average jobs, have average lives and are happy. Not everyone wants to live like you accept that she might want her own life. And the reason she’s with socially awkward kids is because she’s one of them. Hopefully she has activities that keep her busy.

Her IQ is 152 and she’s in specialized school - that’s what I mean.

Yes tons of people smarter than me - my husband for starters but also many of my colleagues and my own daughter. I never said I was the smartest. I have a PhD and that was probably more driven by ambition, which is what I stated. My life is pretty average and I’m ok with that. I want my daughter to be happy and surrounded by friends who care about her and have a career she enjoys.

I think it’s you that needs to chill. I know you are trying to be mean to me by criticizing me, but you missed this part - I love who I am and my daughter - seriously I want the best for her. What happened to you to make you this way?

How can she be in an advanced school and just around and whine? Why are you so critical of her friends? Sometimes the parent doesn’t realize that they have a problem accepting that their child is not some phenom like they hoped. She’s in a special school, she has friends. Why criticize her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

What is your child actually saying when “whining”? It is possible she is attempting to communicate with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

I can relate. My kid is the same and I also get really frustrated with feeling like I'm forcing a horse to drink.

Me three. A very good looking boy but introverted/reserved which can come off as arrogant or just awkward. Not ambitious and not very persistent/hardworking. I worry that all he’s got going for him is good looks and what will he do when they start to fade in his 30s? Baldness runs in the family

There are plenty of good looking bald men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this too. My DD and I are opposites in terms of body type, personalities, academic strengths, ambition, and overall tastes. My ego has a hard time processing this at times, but I've come to terms with the fact that she is her own person, not an extension of me. This podcast addresses the issue

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-myth-of-the-mini-me/id1561689671?i=1000709095926

I highly recommend this book. I have a SN child, but it helped with all my children.

[Anonymous]

I'm an extroverted introvert and my kid is a complete extrovert. At 5, he wants to order his own food at restaurants and wants to chit chat with everyone we encounter (cashiers, receptionists, other parents). I see this as a generally positive quality, so it inspires me to be a bit more outgoing myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an extroverted introvert and my kid is a complete extrovert. At 5, he wants to order his own food at restaurants and wants to chit chat with everyone we encounter (cashiers, receptionists, other parents). I see this as a generally positive quality, so it inspires me to be a bit more outgoing myself.

It is a positive trait, a good trait to have. Just make sure he doesn’t cross the line into obnoxiousness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

From the bit you wrote you are clearly a person who is totally and completely self controlled, which is good but people like you and somewhat speak from experience drive yourself hard and in doing so drive others away. Not being able to see your own toxicity may be your biggest weakness

Your daughter doesn’t want to be like you, so she’s doing the opposite, send her to a nice boarding school where she can experience life outside of your toxic reach.

Having good genes and bestowing them upon your offspring in the belief that they will be, a mini 2.0 you, is kind of narcissistic and that is damaging all around..

Send her off and if you are lucky she will be okay, she may never come home again but maybe she’ll be happier and more well adjusted, she was never yours to keep anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PhD needs a Xanax and a shrink

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible childhood and I am giving my daughter an awesome childhood. It's very therapeutic.

I think the psychology term for it is "reparenting." You get to heal the wounds from your past by making it right the next time around.

So, my kid is better than me. It's a wonder to experience.

+1

I grew up with overachieving parents (who consider themselves intellectuals) and it was a suffocating experience. I was made to feel I never measured up despite being quite an overachiever myself. So I vowed to never compare my kids to anyone especially me or DH (who is one of smartest ppl I know), never judge and simply to love and nurture them in every way possible. They have turned out to be wonderful people first and foremost. They are also accomplished, multi talented and socially well adapted. Most importantly, they are not copies of DH and I although their share traits w us. They are their own people. It is indeed a very rewarding experience.

I have watched many friends struggle as they come from a part of the world where parents are the mold for the kids to conform to. The family relationship is fraught from day one as the kids are constantly judged and criticized, from physical appearance (ie: why are you shorter than your mom or dad, why do you not have big eyes like your mom or dad, why are you darker than your mom or dad) to intelligence (ie: how can you not do this when I was the smartest kid in my class), to physical ability (ie: how can you not throw the ball properly when I am the star basketball player, how come you gain weight so easily when I am still slender in my 50s). The parents always feel they are the best and they know it all. When the kids “act” out or push back, they blame on the kids’ personality and how they just aren’t cut from the same cloth. An acquaintance recently told her DD that if she knew the DD would dislike her childhood this much, then she should’ve never given birth to her. Most kids in our culture can’t wait to leave home and never look back. The parents again bad mouth these kids, calling them ungrateful. It is so sad.

Desi right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

The book, Guiding the Gifted Child by James Webb, offers some insight into how things can go awry with gifted children. I highly recommend it.

Most people don't know that gifted children are an at-risk population. They often cannot access the support that they need because so much of life is designed to accommodate majority populations.

+1. Studies by Mensa Educational Reaearch Foundation are also worth reading and understanding. High IQ can be a liability because learning styles are so different.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully one's experience goes beyond the one kid and one's self. There are the parent's brothers/sisters/parents/other family members and lots of friends who are all different. Different personalities, different strengths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible childhood and I am giving my daughter an awesome childhood. It's very therapeutic.

I think the psychology term for it is "reparenting." You get to heal the wounds from your past by making it right the next time around.

So, my kid is better than me. It's a wonder to experience.

+1

I grew up with overachieving parents (who consider themselves intellectuals) and it was a suffocating experience. I was made to feel I never measured up despite being quite an overachiever myself. So I vowed to never compare my kids to anyone especially me or DH (who is one of smartest ppl I know), never judge and simply to love and nurture them in every way possible. They have turned out to be wonderful people first and foremost. They are also accomplished, multi talented and socially well adapted. Most importantly, they are not copies of DH and I although their share traits w us. They are their own people. It is indeed a very rewarding experience.

I have watched many friends struggle as they come from a part of the world where parents are the mold for the kids to conform to. The family relationship is fraught from day one as the kids are constantly judged and criticized, from physical appearance (ie: why are you shorter than your mom or dad, why do you not have big eyes like your mom or dad, why are you darker than your mom or dad) to intelligence (ie: how can you not do this when I was the smartest kid in my class), to physical ability (ie: how can you not throw the ball properly when I am the star basketball player, how come you gain weight so easily when I am still slender in my 50s). The parents always feel they are the best and they know it all. When the kids “act” out or push back, they blame on the kids’ personality and how they just aren’t cut from the same cloth. An acquaintance recently told her DD that if she knew the DD would dislike her childhood this much, then she should’ve never given birth to her. Most kids in our culture can’t wait to leave home and never look back. The parents again bad mouth these kids, calling them ungrateful. It is so sad.

Desi right?

No way this is 100 percent East Asian