When your child is very different than you - looks, popularity etc

[Anonymous]

They are their own people. We are a tightly knit family though so our values are similar and we treat each other well so the differences don’t cause much friction. I try to learn from the kids and I also try to pass on what I’ve learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

WOW. Just say you don't like your kid.

Right? I kept thinking DD intentionally doesn't WANT to be like her mom. And Mom is utterly clueless that she probably causes a % of the behavior.

Get a therapist, PP.

[Anonymous]

PhD needs a Xanax and a shrink

[Anonymous]

I have two stunning pre teen daughters and I was never super attractive, leaning towards gawky, super shy and too self conscious to be boy- crazy. That had its own stresses of course but I am in NO WAY prepared to handle what i am starting to see on the horizon in terms of attention from boys (and men) and I am
Pretty scared about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

You are obnoxious. Why are you making the comparison at all. She is not you.

That was literally OP’s question and opening thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two stunning pre teen daughters and I was never super attractive, leaning towards gawky, super shy and too self conscious to be boy- crazy. That had its own stresses of course but I am in NO WAY prepared to handle what i am starting to see on the horizon in terms of attention from boys (and men) and I am
Pretty scared about it.

Maybe recalibrate away from the male gaze

[Anonymous]

I think it’s easier to accept the differences in your children if they are happy and well adjusted. If they’re struggling, you try to figure out what happened. Is it genetic? Environment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

I see this a lot. Parents who are Type A and very high achieving and kids who just...aren't meeting that bar. I think a lot of it has to do with them seeing something that they read as not worth it and just opting out. In some cases, not trying because they don't want to fail or disappoint. In other cases, seeing the end-goal and thinking "if all this gets me is a regular house and a regular life and a tightly wound personality, no thanks."

OMG, this is my DC2. I got a very similar speech last week.

Honestly, this me at 50, too.

- signed formerly ambitious person

[Anonymous]

DD is prettier and more popular than I was. We are both introverted but not shy, and she's less introverted than I am. She is not at all a people pleaser like I was, and I am thankful for it, although it makes parenting her harder.

I struggle with the amount of attention she gets, and worry that the popularity will be a negative overall, although I don't necessarily let her know this. I am probably quite strict, definitely stricter than her friends' parents for the most part, and it definitely has to do with my worries.

The biggest difference between us is that she is quite emotional, whereas I am fairly rational, and always have been. My instinct of trying to use logic as an approach to problem solving really does not work with her, and I am impatient with just letting her work through her emotions to get to the same point at a much later time.

[Anonymous]

I have been ridiculed for posting this before, but my children are very attractive and I am very plain looking.

It worries me a ton for my daughter because even as a plain young woman I faced tons of creepy situations with guys. I know that it is worse for more beautiful girls. I’m less worried about my sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been ridiculed for posting this before, but my children are very attractive and I am very plain looking.

It worries me a ton for my daughter because even as a plain young woman I faced tons of creepy situations with guys. I know that it is worse for more beautiful girls. I’m less worried about my sons.

Plain Jane

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been ridiculed for posting this before, but my children are very attractive and I am very plain looking.

It worries me a ton for my daughter because even as a plain young woman I faced tons of creepy situations with guys. I know that it is worse for more beautiful girls. I’m less worried about my sons.

Plain Jane

Exactly. I am plain Jane and 3 of my 4 kids could be child models. Being a beautiful young woman has many benefits but also many risks and downsides. For boys being handsome is almost all upside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

I can relate. My kid is the same and I also get really frustrated with feeling like I'm forcing a horse to drink.

Me three. A very good looking boy but introverted/reserved which can come off as arrogant or just awkward. Not ambitious and not very persistent/hardworking. I worry that all he’s got going for him is good looks and what will he do when they start to fade in his 30s? Baldness runs in the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been ridiculed for posting this before, but my children are very attractive and I am very plain looking.

It worries me a ton for my daughter because even as a plain young woman I faced tons of creepy situations with guys. I know that it is worse for more beautiful girls. I’m less worried about my sons.

Plain Jane

Exactly. I am plain Jane and 3 of my 4 kids could be child models. Being a beautiful young woman has many benefits but also many risks and downsides. For boys being handsome is almost all upside.

I disagree as a mom of a good looking boy, as in, strangers comment on his looks. He doesn’t have much else going for him and he’s gonna have a reckoning when he is older and his looks start to fade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only painful part is when the high schooler talks about people at school and how "cool" they are or how they won't sit with her or talk to her much and then I see these kids and they are absolute losers. Like people who would have been absolutely torn down in the vicious 90s of my times. Like if you were fat and had glasses it was an unfortunate time for you in the 90s. Now these kids are top dogs for some strange reasons.

I just stay quiet because I don't understand the politics and it's only a blip in life before college.

I think you should tell her what you told us. It might validate her and help her feel seen.