When your child is very different than you - looks, popularity etc

[Anonymous]

The only painful part is when the high schooler talks about people at school and how "cool" they are or how they won't sit with her or talk to her much and then I see these kids and they are absolute losers. Like people who would have been absolutely torn down in the vicious 90s of my times. Like if you were fat and had glasses it was an unfortunate time for you in the 90s. Now these kids are top dogs for some strange reasons.

I just stay quiet because I don't understand the politics and it's only a blip in life before college.

[Anonymous]

I find it fascinating. She’s much better looking than I was as a kid, and makes friends by breathing. I study her like a sociologist. lol!

[Anonymous]

My older kid is very outgoing and social when I was awkward and struggled to make friends at his age (part of this was I moved quite a bit as a kid).

I'm totally relieved. He's having a way better school experience than I did. We'll see how his brother does.

[Anonymous]

NBD. Maybe because I never viewed my kids as an extension of myself or a reflection of me as a mother. Each kid is their own person.

My older two are grown and flown, and it’s all good. They let me be myself too and never criticized my parenting.

[Anonymous]

I had a terrible childhood and I am giving my daughter an awesome childhood. It's very therapeutic.

I think the psychology term for it is "reparenting." You get to heal the wounds from your past by making it right the next time around.

So, my kid is better than me. It's a wonder to experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

What a weird simultaneous not-so-humble brag/kid bash. Yikes.

I’m honest- try it - I can be refreshing. And if you THINK you are honest. Try being nice - it can also be refreshing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only painful part is when the high schooler talks about people at school and how "cool" they are or how they won't sit with her or talk to her much and then I see these kids and they are absolute losers. Like people who would have been absolutely torn down in the vicious 90s of my times. Like if you were fat and had glasses it was an unfortunate time for you in the 90s. Now these kids are top dogs for some strange reasons.

I just stay quiet because I don't understand the politics and it's only a blip in life before college.

Huh? Is this some magnet school? The popular kids now are the same as when I was in school. The team sports jocks, cute girls, and kids with permissive parents?

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

You’re ok looking with a middling PhD and a nerd spouse. Not model gorgeous with extreme ambition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

WOW. Just say you don't like your kid.

I LOVE my daughter which is why it’s so hard to watch her struggle. It’s also why I will never give up trying to help. I was being honest with myself and others. Honesty is sometimes uncomfortable. And I would never ever say what I think out loud. Obviously she knows I’m frustrated with her when she whines. She also sees me pushing her to make friends that care about her. In your eyes that makes you think I don’t like her? Now that’s strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

The book, Guiding the Gifted Child by James Webb, offers some insight into how things can go awry with gifted children. I highly recommend it. Most people don't know that gifted children are an at-risk population. They often cannot access the support that they need because so much of life is designed to accommodate majority populations.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

I see this a lot. Parents who are Type A and very high achieving and kids who just...aren't meeting that bar. I think a lot of it has to do with them seeing something that they read as not worth it and just opting out. In some cases, not trying because they don't want to fail or disappoint. In other cases, seeing the end-goal and thinking "if all this gets me is a regular house and a regular life and a tightly wound personality, no thanks."

You’re absolutely correct that I’m type A. I don’t judge myself by her success at all. I just want her to be happy and surrounded by people that care about her. And I don’t see that happening and I’m at a loss in how to deal with it. And yet admitting that gets ridiculed, which is exactly why I don’t speak about it and am completely alone on this parenting journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible childhood and I am giving my daughter an awesome childhood. It's very therapeutic.

I think the psychology term for it is "reparenting." You get to heal the wounds from your past by making it right the next time around.

So, my kid is better than me. It's a wonder to experience.

I realize I did a lot of stuff to fit in and worked hard to get opportunities like going to a good college 3,000 miles away out of fear/survival. It wasn’t enjoyable. My kids seem pretty motivated but are motivated by other things like love of sports and school , which makes me happy… as you said, reparenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible childhood and I am giving my daughter an awesome childhood. It's very therapeutic.

I think the psychology term for it is "reparenting." You get to heal the wounds from your past by making it right the next time around.

So, my kid is better than me. It's a wonder to experience.

You are not parenting her the way you were parented - which is good if your parents were bad. Don’t think for a second to aren’t making mistakes that have long term consequences. Read the F*%k you up. There really is no way around it. And if your kid don’t complain about the way they were parented (as one of the PPs said) it just means they don’t talk to you about it. I didnt complain to my parents either and they were well below average- emotional neglect bad - no physical or sexual harm. But with parents who genuinely think they were great - it’s pointless to tell them otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible childhood and I am giving my daughter an awesome childhood. It's very therapeutic.

I think the psychology term for it is "reparenting." You get to heal the wounds from your past by making it right the next time around.

So, my kid is better than me. It's a wonder to experience.

You are not parenting her the way you were parented - which is good if your parents were bad. Don’t think for a second to aren’t making mistakes that have long term consequences. Read the F*%k you up. There really is no way around it. And if your kid don’t complain about the way they were parented (as one of the PPs said) it just means they don’t talk to you about it. I didnt complain to my parents either and they were well below average- emotional neglect bad - no physical or sexual harm. But with parents who genuinely think they were great - it’s pointless to tell them otherwise.

Wow you are rude…also what does “read the f—k you up” mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either way - how is it for you as a parent? Any way you fill ill-equipped? Or no big deal?

We are equal in looks, popularity, etc. we are VERY different in ambition and drive. I have it coming out of my ears since birth. I was the 2 year old who potty trained myself and against my parents advice went for the PhD and insisted on a spouse that had the same. My kid is very gifted and can do so much - but she’d rather sit around and whine. Yes, I fundamentally don’t get it. I’m so ill equipped to deal with it. She is also model gorgeous and lacks people skills so struggles socially. I struggled some socially too, but I was able to have a solid group of friends and a high school boyfriend. DD goes for the “kids who won’t reject her” - basically kids who want to use her, use drugs, or have other severe social problems.

OP - to answer your question- I am so ill equipped. I keep trying and failing ever day. I won’t give up, but I’m not winning any parenting awards.

You’re ok looking with a middling PhD and a nerd spouse. Not model gorgeous with extreme ambition.

Yes, I’m totally ok with my “middling” life - I actually love my life, nerd spouse, and unambitious daughter - doesn’t stop me from feeling ill equipped to parent her. I would like to see my daughter surrounded by friends who care about her with a career she loves - and she’s not on that track.