SIL physically disciplined daughter - advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your SIL have different parenting approaches. I agree with yours vs. hers. But many people are ok with hers. I would just tell her that you are not ok with her physically disciplining your daughter, and that if your daughter is not listening to her, she should call you to come back to address.

So kid won’t get out of pool and SIL should call OP to come over? Letting the kid stay in the pool while all that happens and rewarding the behavior?

No. People who hit kids don’t have real parenting strategies outside violence so OP’s kid can’t be alone with SIL again. You don’t have to announce it or anything dramatic - just make it so.

Just out if curiosity, what is the correct parenting strategy to implement when one’s niece refuses to get out of the pool?

My nephew pulled this shit on me at the beach one time. I quietly decided to never watch him again without a parent present. I don't think there is a discipline strategy per se. I don't hit my kids, and I would NEVER hit a child that isn't mine.

But that doesn’t answer the immediate question of how do you get them out of the pool?

You’re talking about (perfectly reasonable) consequences at the conclusion of the incident. This is a problem with almost all parenting advice- it’s a list of what not to do, or what to do after the fact. Rarely are there reasonable strategies for DURING a problem…

You can probably find this advice in thousands of places. You express understanding to the six year old, "I see you are upset. It is hard to stop doing something when you are having fun." You offer comfort and redirect. Hopefully you have let them know "Ok, ten more minutes, five more minutes, one more minutes." This advice is not hard to come by.

This is exactly what I see weak, ineffective parents doing constantly. There’s no actual discipline, just a self-absorbed inventory of feelings that accomplishes nothing. And I say this as someone who has never hit my kids and never would.

If the kid won’t get out of the pool, you need to physically remove them from the pool. If that means picking them up and carrying them out while they scream, so be it.

This is how you parent with empathy and boundaries. It’s not weak and you don’t need to discipline a six year old who is having a hard time with a big transition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell SIL and her husband point blank period that you are not OK with any kind of physical discipline, whatsoever, and if that’s a problem, no unsupervised visits.

Oh no! Don’t threaten SIL to no longer have the privilege of babysitting OP’s kids for free!

Why is free babysitting for family/freinds seen as such an imposition? I never mind babysitting for relatives kids.

It’s not an imposition when your family/friends don’t act like entitled @$$holes. OP is DEFINITELY imposing on SIL.

And anyone seriously calling three swats on the leg assault should avoid interacting with other people because they are deeply unhinged and have lost ALL sense of perspective.

So if you had a conflict at the grocery store and the other person gave you three swats on the leg to resolve it, it wouldn't be assault?

DP - Am I in charge of supervising that person or not? Can't think go many situations where that person would be in my care and expected to mind me.

So my supervisor can hit me?

Can your supervisor lock you in your room to punish you? Can your supervisor send you to bed without your supper?

(Do you hear how stupid you sound?)

Hmmmm. So what are the parameters for who can use violence against someone over whom they have authority? Ok for teachers to hit kids? What about camp counselors? Any adult? Any babysitter? Where EXACTLY is your line?

I see you have at least abandoned your dumbass attempt at conflating adult interactions with parent-child interactions.

I would not want anyone else to spank my child, for the record. But if an aunt or grandmother did, we’d have a talk about my parenting preferences. I wouldn’t accuse them of being abusive, violent, or of having committed assault. Because I’m not an insane drama llama.

I am not the PP you were arguing with. My question about your EXACT line was my entry into that conversation. So your line is you but it’s fuzzy with other family? This is what you want to teach your children? That the people who are supposed to love and protect them have the right to hit them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell SIL and her husband point blank period that you are not OK with any kind of physical discipline, whatsoever, and if that’s a problem, no unsupervised visits.

Oh no! Don’t threaten SIL to no longer have the privilege of babysitting OP’s kids for free!

Why is free babysitting for family/freinds seen as such an imposition? I never mind babysitting for relatives kids.

It’s not an imposition when your family/friends don’t act like entitled @$$holes. OP is DEFINITELY imposing on SIL.

And anyone seriously calling three swats on the leg assault should avoid interacting with other people because they are deeply unhinged and have lost ALL sense of perspective.

So if you had a conflict at the grocery store and the other person gave you three swats on the leg to resolve it, it wouldn't be assault?

DP - Am I in charge of supervising that person or not? Can't think go many situations where that person would be in my care and expected to mind me.

So my supervisor can hit me?

Can your supervisor lock you in your room to punish you? Can your supervisor send you to bed without your supper?

(Do you hear how stupid you sound?)

Hmmmm. So what are the parameters for who can use violence against someone over whom they have authority? Ok for teachers to hit kids? What about camp counselors? Any adult? Any babysitter? Where EXACTLY is your line?

Is yanking a child's arm as they're about to run in front of a car violence? Pulling them out of the water by whatever limb you catch as they go under? Are paramedics who resuscitate a person violent when they brake a few ribs?

None of these things are intentional violence (you should brush up on best practices in both drowning and traffic- yanking limbs is a last resort). Crazy diversion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your SIL have different parenting approaches. I agree with yours vs. hers. But many people are ok with hers. I would just tell her that you are not ok with her physically disciplining your daughter, and that if your daughter is not listening to her, she should call you to come back to address.

So kid won’t get out of pool and SIL should call OP to come over? Letting the kid stay in the pool while all that happens and rewarding the behavior?

No. People who hit kids don’t have real parenting strategies outside violence so OP’s kid can’t be alone with SIL again. You don’t have to announce it or anything dramatic - just make it so.

Just out if curiosity, what is the correct parenting strategy to implement when one’s niece refuses to get out of the pool?

My nephew pulled this shit on me at the beach one time. I quietly decided to never watch him again without a parent present. I don't think there is a discipline strategy per se. I don't hit my kids, and I would NEVER hit a child that isn't mine.

But that doesn’t answer the immediate question of how do you get them out of the pool?

You’re talking about (perfectly reasonable) consequences at the conclusion of the incident. This is a problem with almost all parenting advice- it’s a list of what not to do, or what to do after the fact. Rarely are there reasonable strategies for DURING a problem…

You can probably find this advice in thousands of places. You express understanding to the six year old, "I see you are upset. It is hard to stop doing something when you are having fun." You offer comfort and redirect. Hopefully you have let them know "Ok, ten more minutes, five more minutes, one more minutes." This advice is not hard to come by.

This is exactly what I see weak, ineffective parents doing constantly. There’s no actual discipline, just a self-absorbed inventory of feelings that accomplishes nothing. And I say this as someone who has never hit my kids and never would.

If the kid won’t get out of the pool, you need to physically remove them from the pool. If that means picking them up and carrying them out while they scream, so be it.

This is how you parent with empathy and boundaries. It’s not weak and you don’t need to discipline a six year old who is having a hard time with a big transition.

If you have a six year old who finds exiting a pool to be a “big transition” you’re not an effective parent.

Importantly, you don’t actually explain how to get the unwilling kid out of the pool. You use a lot of buzzwords, but you never tell us how to get the job done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is reportable in my state. Does SIL have access to other kids? I’d never leave my kid with her again. Not okay. People who love us shouldn’t hit us.

Please don't clog up the child welfare system with nonsense like this; it will waste everyone's time. You have no idea the actual horrible situations where kids are forced to remain with parents under the guide of "family preservation" even when under supervision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s the last time SIL can be alone with your child(ren).

There is nothing to “address” otherwise.

This “physical discipline” is illegal in most of the world. Make clear to SIL (have husband do if it’s his sister) that she is never to be violent with your child again and then NEVER leave a child with her. It is normal and natural for a child to be disappointed and difficult transitioning from a fun activity. She was probably a bit warn out. So what did this “discipline” teach her. Teaching is the meaning of discipline. It taught her that people love you are allowed to hit you. It taught her that people that are bigger and more powerful than you are allowed to hit you. Did it teach her one thing about how to transition away? Was it responsive to her developmental level? Obviously not. Healthy adults would validate her emotions and help her focus on the next thing.

As of 2025–2026, roughly 65–70 countries have fully banned corporal punishment in all settings. However, over 100 countries still legally allow parents to use physical discipline on children

I meant to say in thecivilized world

Ha ha - but I bet you lecture people on ethnocentrism, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTH no one touches my kids period

What is wrong with you?

This is a dumb rule. If your child won't get out of the pool and an adult is responsible for them, picking them up and carrying them out, even if they are upset, is fine. If your child is like one on the news, running around the grocery store smashing things and endangering others with flying glass, I would absolutely pick up your child until you and your distracted parenting arrived. If your child was playing in the street in front of traffic, I would pick them up. Honestly, teachers should be able to wrap their arms around a child during a tantrum to keep them from trashing the classroom, etc. Get a real issue. This is the kind of attitude that has created a society of bizarre behavioral meltdowns with no consequences.

None of those things involve hitting a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell SIL and her husband point blank period that you are not OK with any kind of physical discipline, whatsoever, and if that’s a problem, no unsupervised visits.

Oh no! Don’t threaten SIL to no longer have the privilege of babysitting OP’s kids for free!

Why is free babysitting for family/freinds seen as such an imposition? I never mind babysitting for relatives kids.

It’s not an imposition when your family/friends don’t act like entitled @$$holes. OP is DEFINITELY imposing on SIL.

And anyone seriously calling three swats on the leg assault should avoid interacting with other people because they are deeply unhinged and have lost ALL sense of perspective.

So if you had a conflict at the grocery store and the other person gave you three swats on the leg to resolve it, it wouldn't be assault?

DP - Am I in charge of supervising that person or not? Can't think go many situations where that person would be in my care and expected to mind me.

So my supervisor can hit me?

Can your supervisor lock you in your room to punish you? Can your supervisor send you to bed without your supper?

(Do you hear how stupid you sound?)

Hmmmm. So what are the parameters for who can use violence against someone over whom they have authority? Ok for teachers to hit kids? What about camp counselors? Any adult? Any babysitter? Where EXACTLY is your line?

I see you have at least abandoned your dumbass attempt at conflating adult interactions with parent-child interactions.

I would not want anyone else to spank my child, for the record. But if an aunt or grandmother did, we’d have a talk about my parenting preferences. I wouldn’t accuse them of being abusive, violent, or of having committed assault. Because I’m not an insane drama llama.

I am not the PP you were arguing with. My question about your EXACT line was my entry into that conversation. So your line is you but it’s fuzzy with other family? This is what you want to teach your children? That the people who are supposed to love and protect them have the right to hit them?

There is no EXACT line and the fact that you think there is (or should be) is emblematic of many of the current problems in our society.

For a fun, admittedly ridiculous example, let’s say your kid was drowning in the ocean and thrashing so much that Uncle couldn’t save them without punching them (to subdue them - it’s been known to happen). Did Uncle ABUSE your child, or did Uncle hit your child BECAUSE he loves them and BECAUSE he is protecting them?

I’m truly sorry that you are unable to understand context or grasp nuance, but I also assume your black and white thinking extends to most if not all aspects of your life. This type of rigidity is actually a problem, both for you personally and also for our society. This type of thinking is why we end up with pregnant women dying in hospitals (because abortion ALWAYS wrong!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your SIL have different parenting approaches. I agree with yours vs. hers. But many people are ok with hers. I would just tell her that you are not ok with her physically disciplining your daughter, and that if your daughter is not listening to her, she should call you to come back to address.

So kid won’t get out of pool and SIL should call OP to come over? Letting the kid stay in the pool while all that happens and rewarding the behavior?

No. People who hit kids don’t have real parenting strategies outside violence so OP’s kid can’t be alone with SIL again. You don’t have to announce it or anything dramatic - just make it so.

Just out if curiosity, what is the correct parenting strategy to implement when one’s niece refuses to get out of the pool?

My nephew pulled this shit on me at the beach one time. I quietly decided to never watch him again without a parent present. I don't think there is a discipline strategy per se. I don't hit my kids, and I would NEVER hit a child that isn't mine.

But that doesn’t answer the immediate question of how do you get them out of the pool?

You’re talking about (perfectly reasonable) consequences at the conclusion of the incident. This is a problem with almost all parenting advice- it’s a list of what not to do, or what to do after the fact. Rarely are there reasonable strategies for DURING a problem…

He finally got out of the ocean on his own. I don't have this problem with my own children, so, I'm not sure what my strategy would be. They would probably be losing screentime day by day. I did tell his parents. I have no idea if he was disciplined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your SIL have different parenting approaches. I agree with yours vs. hers. But many people are ok with hers. I would just tell her that you are not ok with her physically disciplining your daughter, and that if your daughter is not listening to her, she should call you to come back to address.

So kid won’t get out of pool and SIL should call OP to come over? Letting the kid stay in the pool while all that happens and rewarding the behavior?

No. People who hit kids don’t have real parenting strategies outside violence so OP’s kid can’t be alone with SIL again. You don’t have to announce it or anything dramatic - just make it so.

Just out if curiosity, what is the correct parenting strategy to implement when one’s niece refuses to get out of the pool?

My nephew pulled this shit on me at the beach one time. I quietly decided to never watch him again without a parent present. I don't think there is a discipline strategy per se. I don't hit my kids, and I would NEVER hit a child that isn't mine.

But that doesn’t answer the immediate question of how do you get them out of the pool?

You’re talking about (perfectly reasonable) consequences at the conclusion of the incident. This is a problem with almost all parenting advice- it’s a list of what not to do, or what to do after the fact. Rarely are there reasonable strategies for DURING a problem…

You can probably find this advice in thousands of places. You express understanding to the six year old, "I see you are upset. It is hard to stop doing something when you are having fun." You offer comfort and redirect. Hopefully you have let them know "Ok, ten more minutes, five more minutes, one more minutes." This advice is not hard to come by.

This is exactly what I see weak, ineffective parents doing constantly. There’s no actual discipline, just a self-absorbed inventory of feelings that accomplishes nothing. And I say this as someone who has never hit my kids and never would.

If the kid won’t get out of the pool, you need to physically remove them from the pool. If that means picking them up and carrying them out while they scream, so be it.

OP is talking about a nonparent disciplining. Sure, if it is your kid you can do almost anything you want. Manhandling a 6 year old child that isn't yours is a totally different ballgame. It could get yourself and the child injured if they are fighting (if you are even strong enough to drag a 6 year old out of the pool). I wouldn't manhandle someone else's kid like that.

[Anonymous]

You cannot drag a 6 yo out of the pool against their will, especially if they're crying and putting up a fight. This OP and many others need to mind their own kids and get themselves a house with a pool. Believe me, it was not fun for the SIL to deal with your brat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s wrong that your SIL hit your child BUT it’s also wrong that your 6yo was asked to get out of the pool and started crying and wasn’t doing what she was told.
I’d be pissed at my kid if she was invited to swim then behaved like that.

A kid not wanting to get out of the pool is bad behavior? Do you even have kids?

A kid not *wanting* to get out of the pool is totally normal.
A six year old *crying* because it's time to get out of the pool is absolutely bad behavior, and I do have 2 kids who absolutely would have gotten in trouble if they behaved like that.

[Anonymous]

Remind me WTH not to touch a kid no matter if it's in the ocean or middle of highway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell SIL and her husband point blank period that you are not OK with any kind of physical discipline, whatsoever, and if that’s a problem, no unsupervised visits.

Oh no! Don’t threaten SIL to no longer have the privilege of babysitting OP’s kids for free!

Why is free babysitting for family/freinds seen as such an imposition? I never mind babysitting for relatives kids.

It’s not an imposition when your family/friends don’t act like entitled @$$holes. OP is DEFINITELY imposing on SIL.

And anyone seriously calling three swats on the leg assault should avoid interacting with other people because they are deeply unhinged and have lost ALL sense of perspective.

So if you had a conflict at the grocery store and the other person gave you three swats on the leg to resolve it, it wouldn't be assault?

DP - Am I in charge of supervising that person or not? Can't think go many situations where that person would be in my care and expected to mind me.

So my supervisor can hit me?

Can your supervisor lock you in your room to punish you? Can your supervisor send you to bed without your supper?

(Do you hear how stupid you sound?)

Hmmmm. So what are the parameters for who can use violence against someone over whom they have authority? Ok for teachers to hit kids? What about camp counselors? Any adult? Any babysitter? Where EXACTLY is your line?

I see you have at least abandoned your dumbass attempt at conflating adult interactions with parent-child interactions.

I would not want anyone else to spank my child, for the record. But if an aunt or grandmother did, we’d have a talk about my parenting preferences. I wouldn’t accuse them of being abusive, violent, or of having committed assault. Because I’m not an insane drama llama.

I am not the PP you were arguing with. My question about your EXACT line was my entry into that conversation. So your line is you but it’s fuzzy with other family? This is what you want to teach your children? That the people who are supposed to love and protect them have the right to hit them?

There is no EXACT line and the fact that you think there is (or should be) is emblematic of many of the current problems in our society.

For a fun, admittedly ridiculous example, let’s say your kid was drowning in the ocean and thrashing so much that Uncle couldn’t save them without punching them (to subdue them - it’s been known to happen). Did Uncle ABUSE your child, or did Uncle hit your child BECAUSE he loves them and BECAUSE he is protecting them?

I’m truly sorry that you are unable to understand context or grasp nuance, but I also assume your black and white thinking extends to most if not all aspects of your life. This type of rigidity is actually a problem, both for you personally and also for our society. This type of thinking is why we end up with pregnant women dying in hospitals (because abortion ALWAYS wrong!).

You just keep coming up with bizarre scenarios where hurting a child is the only way to intervene to save their life. I think you are just so into hurting children intentionally that you want to divert attention from the fact that we are talking about excusing violence against children that is intentional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell SIL and her husband point blank period that you are not OK with any kind of physical discipline, whatsoever, and if that’s a problem, no unsupervised visits.

Oh no! Don’t threaten SIL to no longer have the privilege of babysitting OP’s kids for free!

Why is free babysitting for family/freinds seen as such an imposition? I never mind babysitting for relatives kids.

It’s not an imposition when your family/friends don’t act like entitled @$$holes. OP is DEFINITELY imposing on SIL.

And anyone seriously calling three swats on the leg assault should avoid interacting with other people because they are deeply unhinged and have lost ALL sense of perspective.

So if you had a conflict at the grocery store and the other person gave you three swats on the leg to resolve it, it wouldn't be assault?

DP - Am I in charge of supervising that person or not? Can't think go many situations where that person would be in my care and expected to mind me.

So my supervisor can hit me?

Can your supervisor lock you in your room to punish you? Can your supervisor send you to bed without your supper?

(Do you hear how stupid you sound?)

Hmmmm. So what are the parameters for who can use violence against someone over whom they have authority? Ok for teachers to hit kids? What about camp counselors? Any adult? Any babysitter? Where EXACTLY is your line?

I see you have at least abandoned your dumbass attempt at conflating adult interactions with parent-child interactions.

I would not want anyone else to spank my child, for the record. But if an aunt or grandmother did, we’d have a talk about my parenting preferences. I wouldn’t accuse them of being abusive, violent, or of having committed assault. Because I’m not an insane drama llama.

I am not the PP you were arguing with. My question about your EXACT line was my entry into that conversation. So your line is you but it’s fuzzy with other family? This is what you want to teach your children? That the people who are supposed to love and protect them have the right to hit them?

There is no EXACT line and the fact that you think there is (or should be) is emblematic of many of the current problems in our society.

For a fun, admittedly ridiculous example, let’s say your kid was drowning in the ocean and thrashing so much that Uncle couldn’t save them without punching them (to subdue them - it’s been known to happen). Did Uncle ABUSE your child, or did Uncle hit your child BECAUSE he loves them and BECAUSE he is protecting them?

I’m truly sorry that you are unable to understand context or grasp nuance, but I also assume your black and white thinking extends to most if not all aspects of your life. This type of rigidity is actually a problem, both for you personally and also for our society. This type of thinking is why we end up with pregnant women dying in hospitals (because abortion ALWAYS wrong!).

You just keep coming up with bizarre scenarios where hurting a child is the only way to intervene to save their life. I think you are just so into hurting children intentionally that you want to divert attention from the fact that we are talking about excusing violence against children that is intentional.

DP. You seem to be stuck on the notion that it's the end of the world to put a finger on a child. Context matters. There are different circumstances. In the end, it's best for everyone to look after their own child and discipline them as you wish. Imagine the drama if your child drowns when in SIL care because they refused to come out, swam into the deep end and chocked while crying. At least SIL could say she didn't touch the child.