SIL physically disciplined daughter - advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell SIL and her husband point blank period that you are not OK with any kind of physical discipline, whatsoever, and if that’s a problem, no unsupervised visits.

Oh no! Don’t threaten SIL to no longer have the privilege of babysitting OP’s kids for free!

Why is free babysitting for family/freinds seen as such an imposition? I never mind babysitting for relatives kids.

It’s not an imposition when your family/friends don’t act like entitled @$$holes. OP is DEFINITELY imposing on SIL.

And anyone seriously calling three swats on the leg assault should avoid interacting with other people because they are deeply unhinged and have lost ALL sense of perspective.

So if you had a conflict at the grocery store and the other person gave you three swats on the leg to resolve it, it wouldn't be assault?

DP - Am I in charge of supervising that person or not? Can't think go many situations where that person would be in my care and expected to mind me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell SIL and her husband point blank period that you are not OK with any kind of physical discipline, whatsoever, and if that’s a problem, no unsupervised visits.

Oh no! Don’t threaten SIL to no longer have the privilege of babysitting OP’s kids for free!

Why is free babysitting for family/freinds seen as such an imposition? I never mind babysitting for relatives kids.

It’s not an imposition when your family/friends don’t act like entitled @$$holes. OP is DEFINITELY imposing on SIL.

And anyone seriously calling three swats on the leg assault should avoid interacting with other people because they are deeply unhinged and have lost ALL sense of perspective.

So if you had a conflict at the grocery store and the other person gave you three swats on the leg to resolve it, it wouldn't be assault?

DP - Am I in charge of supervising that person or not? Can't think go many situations where that person would be in my care and expected to mind me.

So my supervisor can hit me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your SIL have different parenting approaches. I agree with yours vs. hers. But many people are ok with hers. I would just tell her that you are not ok with her physically disciplining your daughter, and that if your daughter is not listening to her, she should call you to come back to address.

So kid won’t get out of pool and SIL should call OP to come over? Letting the kid stay in the pool while all that happens and rewarding the behavior?

No. People who hit kids don’t have real parenting strategies outside violence so OP’s kid can’t be alone with SIL again. You don’t have to announce it or anything dramatic - just make it so.

Just out if curiosity, what is the correct parenting strategy to implement when one’s niece refuses to get out of the pool?

My nephew pulled this shit on me at the beach one time. I quietly decided to never watch him again without a parent present. I don't think there is a discipline strategy per se. I don't hit my kids, and I would NEVER hit a child that isn't mine.

But that doesn’t answer the immediate question of how do you get them out of the pool?

You’re talking about (perfectly reasonable) consequences at the conclusion of the incident. This is a problem with almost all parenting advice- it’s a list of what not to do, or what to do after the fact. Rarely are there reasonable strategies for DURING a problem…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell SIL and her husband point blank period that you are not OK with any kind of physical discipline, whatsoever, and if that’s a problem, no unsupervised visits.

Oh no! Don’t threaten SIL to no longer have the privilege of babysitting OP’s kids for free!

Why is free babysitting for family/freinds seen as such an imposition? I never mind babysitting for relatives kids.

It’s not an imposition when your family/friends don’t act like entitled @$$holes. OP is DEFINITELY imposing on SIL.

And anyone seriously calling three swats on the leg assault should avoid interacting with other people because they are deeply unhinged and have lost ALL sense of perspective.

So if you had a conflict at the grocery store and the other person gave you three swats on the leg to resolve it, it wouldn't be assault?

DP - Am I in charge of supervising that person or not? Can't think go many situations where that person would be in my care and expected to mind me.

So my supervisor can hit me?

Can your supervisor lock you in your room to punish you? Can your supervisor send you to bed without your supper?

(Do you hear how stupid you sound?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anonymous
So, kids spend the day with my brother and SIL, and when they come back, I learn from my 6-year-old daughter that my SIL spanked her on the upper leg three times. She was crying and didn’t want to come back inside after swimming in the pool, and when she made it difficult, that’s when my SIL spanked her.

I asked my SIL about it, and she said it’s no big deal.

Now I’m feeling really unsure. I also don’t know if I’m overreacting.

How would you handle this? Would you address it or let it go?

I have a pool and I would never have spanked someone else's child but I let every parent know that I was the boss of my pool and what I said as the law. If I had a large party then I would hire two life guards and their word was law. However, I always insisted that one parent stay for each child.

Pools are a lot of fun but safety is No.1 priority and if I say get out of pool and you don't, you don't get invited back and I don't care how old you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Slapping on a butt or an upper leg is to get a kid out of acting out -- like when she's crying for no reason other than not wanting to get out of the pool. In "old times" people would slap a hysterical person to get them out of it. It works. I'd not call it physical discipline.

It's physical discipline whatever you call it.

Throwing a fit in a pool is unsafe. You cannot exactly let a kid throw themselves to their backs and then throw their legs around if they're in the pool. Context matters.

NP. As a lifeguard for 28 years and a swim coach for longer than that, I have dealt with kids doing unsafe things in pools, and have imposed consequences and discipline. I’ve somehow managed to do that without ever ONCE laying hands on a child, including my children, my nieces, my nephews, and my cousins’ kids.

Yeah, but the SIL is most likely not a trained lifeguard or swim coach and was in charge of other kids as well. If one starts throwing a fit in a pool, you want to resolve it as quickly as possible. I've seen plenty of kids pulled out of a pool by their arm if they don't follow the rules and start doing stupid stuff. They can easily endanger other kids by starting to splash around, not just themselves.

To the OP: no pool time for your DD or stay with her to supervise!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your SIL have different parenting approaches. I agree with yours vs. hers. But many people are ok with hers. I would just tell her that you are not ok with her physically disciplining your daughter, and that if your daughter is not listening to her, she should call you to come back to address.

So kid won’t get out of pool and SIL should call OP to come over? Letting the kid stay in the pool while all that happens and rewarding the behavior?

No. People who hit kids don’t have real parenting strategies outside violence so OP’s kid can’t be alone with SIL again. You don’t have to announce it or anything dramatic - just make it so.

Just out if curiosity, what is the correct parenting strategy to implement when one’s niece refuses to get out of the pool?

My nephew pulled this shit on me at the beach one time. I quietly decided to never watch him again without a parent present. I don't think there is a discipline strategy per se. I don't hit my kids, and I would NEVER hit a child that isn't mine.

But that doesn’t answer the immediate question of how do you get them out of the pool?

You’re talking about (perfectly reasonable) consequences at the conclusion of the incident. This is a problem with almost all parenting advice- it’s a list of what not to do, or what to do after the fact. Rarely are there reasonable strategies for DURING a problem…

You can probably find this advice in thousands of places. You express understanding to the six year old, "I see you are upset. It is hard to stop doing something when you are having fun." You offer comfort and redirect. Hopefully you have let them know "Ok, ten more minutes, five more minutes, one more minutes." This advice is not hard to come by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell SIL and her husband point blank period that you are not OK with any kind of physical discipline, whatsoever, and if that’s a problem, no unsupervised visits.

Oh no! Don’t threaten SIL to no longer have the privilege of babysitting OP’s kids for free!

Why is free babysitting for family/freinds seen as such an imposition? I never mind babysitting for relatives kids.

It’s not an imposition when your family/friends don’t act like entitled @$$holes. OP is DEFINITELY imposing on SIL.

And anyone seriously calling three swats on the leg assault should avoid interacting with other people because they are deeply unhinged and have lost ALL sense of perspective.

So if you had a conflict at the grocery store and the other person gave you three swats on the leg to resolve it, it wouldn't be assault?

DP - Am I in charge of supervising that person or not? Can't think go many situations where that person would be in my care and expected to mind me.

So my supervisor can hit me?

Can your supervisor lock you in your room to punish you? Can your supervisor send you to bed without your supper?

(Do you hear how stupid you sound?)

Hmmmm. So what are the parameters for who can use violence against someone over whom they have authority? Ok for teachers to hit kids? What about camp counselors? Any adult? Any babysitter? Where EXACTLY is your line?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell SIL and her husband point blank period that you are not OK with any kind of physical discipline, whatsoever, and if that’s a problem, no unsupervised visits.

Oh no! Don’t threaten SIL to no longer have the privilege of babysitting OP’s kids for free!

Why is free babysitting for family/freinds seen as such an imposition? I never mind babysitting for relatives kids.

It’s not an imposition when your family/friends don’t act like entitled @$$holes. OP is DEFINITELY imposing on SIL.

And anyone seriously calling three swats on the leg assault should avoid interacting with other people because they are deeply unhinged and have lost ALL sense of perspective.

So if you had a conflict at the grocery store and the other person gave you three swats on the leg to resolve it, it wouldn't be assault?

DP - Am I in charge of supervising that person or not? Can't think go many situations where that person would be in my care and expected to mind me.

So my supervisor can hit me?

Can your supervisor lock you in your room to punish you? Can your supervisor send you to bed without your supper?

(Do you hear how stupid you sound?)

Hmmmm. So what are the parameters for who can use violence against someone over whom they have authority? Ok for teachers to hit kids? What about camp counselors? Any adult? Any babysitter? Where EXACTLY is your line?

Is yanking a child's arm as they're about to run in front of a car violence? Pulling them out of the water by whatever limb you catch as they go under? Are paramedics who resuscitate a person violent when they brake a few ribs?

[Anonymous]

WTH no one touches my kids period

What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your SIL have different parenting approaches. I agree with yours vs. hers. But many people are ok with hers. I would just tell her that you are not ok with her physically disciplining your daughter, and that if your daughter is not listening to her, she should call you to come back to address.

So kid won’t get out of pool and SIL should call OP to come over? Letting the kid stay in the pool while all that happens and rewarding the behavior?

No. People who hit kids don’t have real parenting strategies outside violence so OP’s kid can’t be alone with SIL again. You don’t have to announce it or anything dramatic - just make it so.

Just out if curiosity, what is the correct parenting strategy to implement when one’s niece refuses to get out of the pool?

My nephew pulled this shit on me at the beach one time. I quietly decided to never watch him again without a parent present. I don't think there is a discipline strategy per se. I don't hit my kids, and I would NEVER hit a child that isn't mine.

But that doesn’t answer the immediate question of how do you get them out of the pool?

You’re talking about (perfectly reasonable) consequences at the conclusion of the incident. This is a problem with almost all parenting advice- it’s a list of what not to do, or what to do after the fact. Rarely are there reasonable strategies for DURING a problem…

You can probably find this advice in thousands of places. You express understanding to the six year old, "I see you are upset. It is hard to stop doing something when you are having fun." You offer comfort and redirect. Hopefully you have let them know "Ok, ten more minutes, five more minutes, one more minutes." This advice is not hard to come by.

And when the six year doesn’t give a single $hit what you’re saying, and isn’t falling for your redirection, an continues to not get out of the pool after your magical countdown- then what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell SIL and her husband point blank period that you are not OK with any kind of physical discipline, whatsoever, and if that’s a problem, no unsupervised visits.

Oh no! Don’t threaten SIL to no longer have the privilege of babysitting OP’s kids for free!

Why is free babysitting for family/freinds seen as such an imposition? I never mind babysitting for relatives kids.

It’s not an imposition when your family/friends don’t act like entitled @$$holes. OP is DEFINITELY imposing on SIL.

And anyone seriously calling three swats on the leg assault should avoid interacting with other people because they are deeply unhinged and have lost ALL sense of perspective.

So if you had a conflict at the grocery store and the other person gave you three swats on the leg to resolve it, it wouldn't be assault?

DP - Am I in charge of supervising that person or not? Can't think go many situations where that person would be in my care and expected to mind me.

So my supervisor can hit me?

Can your supervisor lock you in your room to punish you? Can your supervisor send you to bed without your supper?

(Do you hear how stupid you sound?)

Hmmmm. So what are the parameters for who can use violence against someone over whom they have authority? Ok for teachers to hit kids? What about camp counselors? Any adult? Any babysitter? Where EXACTLY is your line?

I see you have at least abandoned your dumbass attempt at conflating adult interactions with parent-child interactions.

I would not want anyone else to spank my child, for the record. But if an aunt or grandmother did, we’d have a talk about my parenting preferences. I wouldn’t accuse them of being abusive, violent, or of having committed assault. Because I’m not an insane drama llama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your SIL have different parenting approaches. I agree with yours vs. hers. But many people are ok with hers. I would just tell her that you are not ok with her physically disciplining your daughter, and that if your daughter is not listening to her, she should call you to come back to address.

So kid won’t get out of pool and SIL should call OP to come over? Letting the kid stay in the pool while all that happens and rewarding the behavior?

No. People who hit kids don’t have real parenting strategies outside violence so OP’s kid can’t be alone with SIL again. You don’t have to announce it or anything dramatic - just make it so.

Just out if curiosity, what is the correct parenting strategy to implement when one’s niece refuses to get out of the pool?

My nephew pulled this shit on me at the beach one time. I quietly decided to never watch him again without a parent present. I don't think there is a discipline strategy per se. I don't hit my kids, and I would NEVER hit a child that isn't mine.

But that doesn’t answer the immediate question of how do you get them out of the pool?

You’re talking about (perfectly reasonable) consequences at the conclusion of the incident. This is a problem with almost all parenting advice- it’s a list of what not to do, or what to do after the fact. Rarely are there reasonable strategies for DURING a problem…

You can probably find this advice in thousands of places. You express understanding to the six year old, "I see you are upset. It is hard to stop doing something when you are having fun." You offer comfort and redirect. Hopefully you have let them know "Ok, ten more minutes, five more minutes, one more minutes." This advice is not hard to come by.

Sorry, I should have been more clear. I meant *effective* advice for strong-willed, intelligent children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your SIL have different parenting approaches. I agree with yours vs. hers. But many people are ok with hers. I would just tell her that you are not ok with her physically disciplining your daughter, and that if your daughter is not listening to her, she should call you to come back to address.

So kid won’t get out of pool and SIL should call OP to come over? Letting the kid stay in the pool while all that happens and rewarding the behavior?

No. People who hit kids don’t have real parenting strategies outside violence so OP’s kid can’t be alone with SIL again. You don’t have to announce it or anything dramatic - just make it so.

Just out if curiosity, what is the correct parenting strategy to implement when one’s niece refuses to get out of the pool?

My nephew pulled this shit on me at the beach one time. I quietly decided to never watch him again without a parent present. I don't think there is a discipline strategy per se. I don't hit my kids, and I would NEVER hit a child that isn't mine.

But that doesn’t answer the immediate question of how do you get them out of the pool?

You’re talking about (perfectly reasonable) consequences at the conclusion of the incident. This is a problem with almost all parenting advice- it’s a list of what not to do, or what to do after the fact. Rarely are there reasonable strategies for DURING a problem…

You can probably find this advice in thousands of places. You express understanding to the six year old, "I see you are upset. It is hard to stop doing something when you are having fun." You offer comfort and redirect. Hopefully you have let them know "Ok, ten more minutes, five more minutes, one more minutes." This advice is not hard to come by.

This is exactly what I see weak, ineffective parents doing constantly. There’s no actual discipline, just a self-absorbed inventory of feelings that accomplishes nothing. And I say this as someone who has never hit my kids and never would.

If the kid won’t get out of the pool, you need to physically remove them from the pool. If that means picking them up and carrying them out while they scream, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell SIL and her husband point blank period that you are not OK with any kind of physical discipline, whatsoever, and if that’s a problem, no unsupervised visits.

Oh no! Don’t threaten SIL to no longer have the privilege of babysitting OP’s kids for free!

Why is free babysitting for family/freinds seen as such an imposition? I never mind babysitting for relatives kids.

It’s not an imposition when your family/friends don’t act like entitled @$$holes. OP is DEFINITELY imposing on SIL.

And anyone seriously calling three swats on the leg assault should avoid interacting with other people because they are deeply unhinged and have lost ALL sense of perspective.

So if you had a conflict at the grocery store and the other person gave you three swats on the leg to resolve it, it wouldn't be assault?

DP - Am I in charge of supervising that person or not? Can't think go many situations where that person would be in my care and expected to mind me.

So my supervisor can hit me?

Can your supervisor lock you in your room to punish you? Can your supervisor send you to bed without your supper?

(Do you hear how stupid you sound?)

Hmmmm. So what are the parameters for who can use violence against someone over whom they have authority? Ok for teachers to hit kids? What about camp counselors? Any adult? Any babysitter? Where EXACTLY is your line?

Do you think I can pick my screaming two year old off the floor of the grocery store and carry her out to the car? Can I change her diaper even if she’s thrashing around?