SIL physically disciplined daughter - advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Slapping on a butt or an upper leg is to get a kid out of acting out -- like when she's crying for no reason other than not wanting to get out of the pool. In "old times" people would slap a hysterical person to get them out of it. It works. I'd not call it physical discipline.

It's physical discipline whatever you call it.

Throwing a fit in a pool is unsafe. You cannot exactly let a kid throw themselves to their backs and then throw their legs around if they're in the pool. Context matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is reportable in my state. Does SIL have access to other kids? I’d never leave my kid with her again. Not okay. People who love us shouldn’t hit us.

No it isn’t. You can spank your kids in all 50 states.

Does SIL have kids of her own? This context matters. If she has kids of her own and spank her own kids or she is childless.

The very few times I can see how spanking is justified is due to extreme safety concerns. Those are almost running into a the road and anything to do with swimming pools.

The risk of drowning is so incredibly high for kids that pool safety is one thing I was a stickler for. At our own home pool there was no negotiation for getting out of the pool or not going near the pool. I needed my kids and any of their friends to listen the first time when I said get out. I gave a 5 min warning and if a guest didn’t get of the pool and made a scene they weren’t invited back. For example before going in I tell the kids if I need to go inside to get snacks or go to the bathroom they need to take a 5 min break outside of the pool.

[Anonymous]

Your kid probably needed a safety swat to get them to behave - lack of discipline around a pool can be deadly — but it was not her kid so she should not have done it. I only spanked my kid (one swat) three times but it was all for safety - running into the road and trying to climb up a fourth floor balcony railing. I wanted him scared of me more than he wanted to do something profoundly dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is reportable in my state. Does SIL have access to other kids? I’d never leave my kid with her again. Not okay. People who love us shouldn’t hit us.

No it isn’t. You can spank your kids in all 50 states.

Does SIL have kids of her own? This context matters. If she has kids of her own and spank her own kids or she is childless.

The very few times I can see how spanking is justified is due to extreme safety concerns. Those are almost running into a the road and anything to do with swimming pools.

The risk of drowning is so incredibly high for kids that pool safety is one thing I was a stickler for. At our own home pool there was no negotiation for getting out of the pool or not going near the pool. I needed my kids and any of their friends to listen the first time when I said get out. I gave a 5 min warning and if a guest didn’t get of the pool and made a scene they weren’t invited back. For example before going in I tell the kids if I need to go inside to get snacks or go to the bathroom they need to take a 5 min break outside of the pool.

You can spank your own kids in all 50 states. You can't spank other people's kids.

Anyone dumb enough to think that spanking kids for behavior around the pool increases safety at all, is probably also dumb enough to think that they've trained their kids and not to supervise them appropriately.

There is no way my kids would see that SIL unsupervised again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is reportable in my state. Does SIL have access to other kids? I’d never leave my kid with her again. Not okay. People who love us shouldn’t hit us.

No it isn’t. You can spank your kids in all 50 states.

Does SIL have kids of her own? This context matters. If she has kids of her own and spank her own kids or she is childless.

The very few times I can see how spanking is justified is due to extreme safety concerns. Those are almost running into a the road and anything to do with swimming pools.

The risk of drowning is so incredibly high for kids that pool safety is one thing I was a stickler for. At our own home pool there was no negotiation for getting out of the pool or not going near the pool. I needed my kids and any of their friends to listen the first time when I said get out. I gave a 5 min warning and if a guest didn’t get of the pool and made a scene they weren’t invited back. For example before going in I tell the kids if I need to go inside to get snacks or go to the bathroom they need to take a 5 min break outside of the pool.

You can spank your own kids in all 50 states. You can't spank other people's kids.

Anyone dumb enough to think that spanking kids for behavior around the pool increases safety at all, is probably also dumb enough to think that they've trained their kids and not to supervise them appropriately.

There is no way my kids would see that SIL unsupervised again.

It doesn't matter because OP isn't going to call the cops on SIL anyway. Her kid is ill behaved and the SIL shouldn't babysit anymore. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Slapping on a butt or an upper leg is to get a kid out of acting out -- like when she's crying for no reason other than not wanting to get out of the pool. In "old times" people would slap a hysterical person to get them out of it. It works. I'd not call it physical discipline.

It's physical discipline whatever you call it.

Throwing a fit in a pool is unsafe. You cannot exactly let a kid throw themselves to their backs and then throw their legs around if they're in the pool. Context matters.

NP. As a lifeguard for 28 years and a swim coach for longer than that, I have dealt with kids doing unsafe things in pools, and have imposed consequences and discipline. I’ve somehow managed to do that without ever ONCE laying hands on a child, including my children, my nieces, my nephews, and my cousins’ kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s wrong that your SIL hit your child BUT it’s also wrong that your 6yo was asked to get out of the pool and started crying and wasn’t doing what she was told.
I’d be pissed at my kid if she was invited to swim then behaved like that.

A kid not wanting to get out of the pool is bad behavior? Do you even have kids?

NP. That's bratty behavior for a 6 year old. Do better, OP.

[Anonymous]

You and your SIL have different values. You don't have to leave your child with her and she doesn't have to watch your child for you.
But if you do leave your child with her, you know what the setup is.

[Anonymous]

What did your brother say, OP? Interesting how these posts are always about bad SIL behavior without any mention of the other parent, OP's BROTHER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell SIL and her husband point blank period that you are not OK with any kind of physical discipline, whatsoever, and if that’s a problem, no unsupervised visits.

Oh no! Don’t threaten SIL to no longer have the privilege of babysitting OP’s kids for free!

Some of us aren’t so cheap that we’d leave our kids in the hands of a stranger to save a few bucks. But then again, there’s all kinds of parents, PP. Like you.

LOL, you got me! I am indeed “a kind of parent”. The rational kind who can understand that it’s perfectly okay to tell SIL not to spank your kids, while simultaneously understanding that SIL spanking your kids is crossing boundaries but NOT assault or abuse.

You must be another kind.

[Anonymous]

1) Work on the behavior of your child. She needs to face consequences and respect rules.

2) Tell SIL and other family members that they cannot physically discipline your child.

3) Don't let anyone else babysit your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well either you and DH discuss with SIL and say you don't allow corporal punishment and get agreement or you lose SIL as free daycare.

This. Make your choice.

[Anonymous]

I think we need to get sone perspective on this.

First of all, does your daughter have bruises, welts, any actual injury? There’s a difference between a light swat and an assault. No one should injure a child, but I’m assuming if your child had been physically harmed, you would have reported it to authorities instead of polling DCUM, or at the very least you would have mentioned it.

Secondly, we don’t have much context here. “Crying and didn’t want to come inside” could cover a wide range of behavior with its meaning being anything from sniffles and dragging her feet as she reluctantly complied to a full scale tantrum where she put her own safety, that of the other kids, and/or your SIL at risk, possibly deliberately. Kids can be manipulative and it is quite possible she understated her actions and overstated that of SIL in order to avoid getting in trouble, or to get your SIL in trouble (which intentionally or not, she has apparently accomplished).

I think you have two areas you need to work on for the future:

You need to decide what discipline is acceptable to you and CLEARLY communicate it to anyone you leave your child with. Tell your SIL (or other caregiver) if you don’t want any physical discipline in the future, and maybe offer to come immediately to pick up your daughter if there’s any misbehavior. Frankly, I’d suggest working on your daughter’s behavior more at home before you have much social interaction with others, then stay and supervise for a while until you are confident she will be a well-behaved guest.

You also need to have a discussion with your child. First tell her that she did the right thing to tell you about the spanking and that she should always tell you if anyone hurts her or makes her uncomfortable. Then you need to have a discussion with her about your expectations of her behavior and what the consequences will be if she misbehaves. Find out exactly what led up to the spanking, and if she was at fault, tell her that she will have to prove to you she is mature enough to behave appropriately before she will have any more playdates because you won’t inflict her bad behavior on others, much less someone who is trying to do something nice for her. Also, talk to her about how while rude behavior is unacceptable, unsafe behavior is much worse and misbehavior around a pool is inherently dangerous.

[Anonymous]

You and your SIL have different parenting approaches. I agree with yours vs. hers. But many people are ok with hers. I would just tell her that you are not ok with her physically disciplining your daughter, and that if your daughter is not listening to her, she should call you to come back to address.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your SIL have different parenting approaches. I agree with yours vs. hers. But many people are ok with hers. I would just tell her that you are not ok with her physically disciplining your daughter, and that if your daughter is not listening to her, she should call you to come back to address.

So kid won’t get out of pool and SIL should call OP to come over? Letting the kid stay in the pool while all that happens and rewarding the behavior?

No. People who hit kids don’t have real parenting strategies outside violence so OP’s kid can’t be alone with SIL again. You don’t have to announce it or anything dramatic - just make it so.