Moving - how harmful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

The responses in this thread, have to be one of the more insane things I've read here, and that is saying a lot. Military families, State Dept families and so many more, move every 3 years and the kids are not "harmed," they thrive, experiencing new people, different cultures, etc.

OP, your kids will be just fine, and will probably thrive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

We don’t all turn out just fine. For me, moving around for a parent who was always deployed anyway was a defining characteristic of my ability to form real relationships and I’ve struggled with them as an adult.
- military brat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

The responses in this thread, have to be one of the more insane things I've read here, and that is saying a lot. Military families, State Dept families and so many more, move every 3 years and the kids are not "harmed," they thrive, experiencing new people, different cultures, etc.

OP, your kids will be just fine, and will probably thrive

Yes, they move all the time so the kids are used to it. By high school they have already moved several times. Very different than doing your first move ever as a high schooler

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

We don’t all turn out just fine. For me, moving around for a parent who was always deployed anyway was a defining characteristic of my ability to form real relationships and I’ve struggled with them as an adult.
- military brat

Look moving is stressful on everyone. It sounds like you and ops who moved as children didn't know how to cope with the stress. Unfortunately life doesn't stop because people have kids. Circumstances arise and for many reasons families need to relocate. Its not selfish for parents to take an opportunity when it comes especially when it benefits the family. As an adult if you still have trouble navigating relationships that sounds like you never asked or sought out help which As an adult is on you.

[Anonymous]

I would avoid moving my own teenagers if possible/practical, because I do think it would be tough on them.

That said, we’re probably the first generation of parents to even worry about this. Up until recently, parents focused on their own lives, jobs, etc, and it was understood that kids were along for the ride. Kids were not the focus, and they were expected to adapt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

They don't all turn out fine. Idiotic take.

[Anonymous]

I moved as a teen along with my two teen siblings. One of my siblings felt like your daughter does. She was angry the first few months after the move but then adjusted and within a couple years, it was all a distant memory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

The responses in this thread, have to be one of the more insane things I've read here, and that is saying a lot. Military families, State Dept families and so many more, move every 3 years and the kids are not "harmed," they thrive, experiencing new people, different cultures, etc.

OP, your kids will be just fine, and will probably thrive

No, a lot of military and Foreign Service kids are seriously effed up. One of the reasons I left the Foreign Service when I had kids.

Depends somewhat when the moves happen, but 15 is an absolutely terrible age to move a kid. Just when she’s seeking belonging and safety among her peers, you’re ripping her away from everything she knows. Ask any developmental psychologist.

In the State Department, having your kids hit high school age was a pretty good justification for bidding on a tour in the US, so your kids could finish high school with some stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

They don't all turn out fine. Idiotic take.

Yeah, that’s the narcissism of a careerist who wants to ignore any possible repercussions of their career decisions on their kids.

Yes, it’s true a lot of military and FS kids are polished, good at uprooting, but they’re also bad at trusting or investing in relationships longer term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

Wow. I can see why she hates you.

You’re ignorant and selfish.

Yes, you will traumatize her. If this is the way you treat her needs and wants, prepare for her to be depressed, possibly engage in self-harm, get into drugs or self-soothe/rebel in whatever way she can.

[Anonymous]

It's arrogant to assume your children will be okay with living in a completely different culture just because you grew up in it. And international schools are filled with maladjusted rich kids who are not a great influence. This was so poorly thought through.

[Anonymous]

You are being terrible, OP.

She has every right to hate this situation.

If you had been my parents, I never would have forgiven you. It is a horrible time in life to start over.

[Anonymous]

One of the goals of being a parent is to ensure kids have resilience. Kids who can adapt and bounce back from adversity. Resilience is necessary for life. If the move is seen as adversity, then it is a great opportunity to build resilience. Not being able to cope with any change as an adult isn't a good trait to have - important to learn how to cope early in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving in middle of high school to a country where you are not 100% proficient at the language is terrible. I hope she’ll go to an American high school.

Op says her kids speak Spanish. Personally, I would love to leave this country with Dumpy in charge! Especially if I had a place to go and spoke the language. Has your daughter told you why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

You cannot compare kids who have not been raised in the military and those who haven’t and say they each can manage stuff equally. In the military EVERYBODY moves every 2-3 years so it isn’t that unusual to be the new kid or to see a friend leave or to have to start over somewhere new, although it is still hard. The base also helps retain American culture for you in many ways. That’s not OP’s kids situation. She hasn’t grown up in the military and is the only one of her friends moving away and will now just be living in a foreign country with no friends at an age when many teens have a solidified age group. That IS hard.

I grew up in the military and even though I managed for the reasons I said above I have always been envious of people who grew up in one area and had childhood friendships that extended into adulthood and only ever went to the same pyramid of schools. It is really tough to have no true stability and to start over again and again. I promised myself my kids would not bounce around or move or have to switch schools and I will do pretty much anything to keep that promise. The stability does matter.