Husband wants me to be a SAHM after I got fired…what would you do?

[Anonymous]

I still consider it a SAHP man or woman if kids are in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are in school and so you aren’t a SAHM. You would be a sahw.

Just stop. This is not a thing to anyone but you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I normally encourage sahm’s, especially at your income level, but these are not good reasons. You have a perfectly good work history and would make a valuable employee. Your husband seems to be tearing you down instead of encouraging you which is concerning behavior. It’s a big red flag and seems like you should stay in the workforce if only to have other people in your life who can boost you up and not be so critical.

This, all day. Brow-beating OP into relinquishing her independence is not only crazy, it's sad, and mean. Bringing up your "work history" as a high school and college student? What even is that?

This would cause me to take a long, hard look at the person I married. You don't kick someone's legs out from under them and then say "but I offered you a chair".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Law partner only makes $575k?

And "top law firm"??

Everyone is too hung up on this. If he's a new non-equity partner without his own book of business, $575 is pretty normal. Non-equity partnership is more and more common, even in top firms.

OP - if I were you I'd get a lower stress, lower paid job job. I would not stop working.

No, we're not. $575k isn't normal for a non-equity partner. It sounds as though the person might be lying. OP should not quit in this situation.

[Anonymous]

I am a mom of twin boys who just turned 12. I stayed at home for the first 5 years. Your boys may love having you at home for a short while and you can drive them to their activities. But honestly, they are getting older and more independent. I would caution against you having no job. Maybe start with part-time if YOU really want to stay at home for awhile. But red flag in the way he is talking to you.

[Anonymous]

I just got fired from my most recent job, and my husband and I had a conversation. He said he thinks I’m a bad employee and that maybe I should just stay home. That really stung. He even said that maybe I’m just “not cut out for a career” and that he “wants someone more stable” to take care of the kids. He also mentioned that he feels like I’ve been “half-assing”, my jobs and that it’s affecting the family.

If my spouse ever spoke to me like this it would be a cliff we'd either back away from slowly, or drive over. There is so much contempt in this language it's hard to believe it wasn't shouted at you in a fight that just got out of hand. Maybe it was. But if someone looked at me calmly and said these things I would not be able to un-hear it. And I would never, never, depend on someone like this to stay with me. I'd say he had one foot out the door but he's suggesting you stop working. So he may not want to leave, but is going to make sure you can't either.

Chilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please troll better. Why would your spouse think you would be good at the job of SAHM if he thinks you’re a bad worker overall?

Also, if he’s only making $575k as a partner, he’s not good at his job. I’d worry he would be cut if I were you.

This...he's clearly not a top partner with this salary so I'd be concerned about him keeping his job in this environment.

[Anonymous]

SAHM going through an unwanted divorce here. Don’t do it, please don’t do it. Mine convinced me to stay home because it “just wasn’t worth it” to juggle his travel-intense job with mine. The logic and financials were sound and I was a great SAHM. I kept asking to rearrange our lives to get me in a place to go back to work, but every 6 months it was “let’s just get through this next push until I land this client”, or wait until his next evaluation and raise, or wait until the so-and-so role opens up.

OP, I kid you not, I helped this boy-man get to a place where he has a choice of two huge internal promotions, set to start 8 weeks after he decided between them.

2 weeks before his new role start date and presumably sometime after he had received his price for his deferred compensation, he filed for divorce without warning and told me via email that I’d be served the next day.

Assets split.
Future income doesn’t.

If you’re not at your max earning and he’s not as his max earning potential right now, get back to work right away before it’s too late. Don’t set him up for future opportunity and security at the expense of yours. I’ll never forgive myself for trusting my STBX.

[Anonymous]

So your work history is concerning he's not wrong but if you want to work, work. But I think you need to improve on some things along the way. I don't know if its your concentration or organization but that work history it not typical. Do you have ADHD?

[Anonymous]

You have to find your way instead of giving up to be housewife to some idiot who has no respect for you. My close friend who has been fired 4 times in the last 10 years now makes over a million dollars a year as a consultant. She had never made over 160k a year before that, and she finally found her a place at 50.

Your DH has no respect for you and does not support you. When things are not working for you career wise, a partner's job is to brainstorm with you. And brainstorming starts by asking you what you are thinking and then giving suggestions on what could work while highlighting your strengths instead of highlighting your weaknesses. He would have highlighted the qualities that make you a great stay at home mom and then told you how happy he and the kids will be to have you home , not beat you down emotionally so you can give and quit.

This is exactly the kind of marriage in which you should never stay home. He will continue putting you down when you no longer have to work outside of home. And it will sting even more when you are fully dependent on him. It's better to keep trying in the workplace until you find a job or a process that works for you.

[Anonymous]

I became a SAHM more than 15 years ago. I lost a job, husband said just focus on the kids for now, we're doing fine, so I did and I just never went back. I threw myself into working for the enrichment of my family instead of working to enrich some random company or organization. I have no regrets, I don't feel like I missed out at all. I'm thankful. My spouse of more than 30 years is my best friend; our young adult kids still talk to us, which feels like an accomplishment in today's growing age of estrangement. I'm almost 60. Just posting this to let you know, OP, that this perception can be out there, it exists. You CAN create a great life being a SAHM. The key to making it work is to be comfortable in your own skin, because you're the exception to the rule, the outlier, the weird one who literally isn't towing the company line. The one going against society's grain. You need to be strong enough to stand in the withering gaze of the work-outside-the-home mom who thinks you are somehow letting down the sisterhood and not shrink an inch. You can go toe to toe with her. You can think "whatever, lady, you've made your choice and I've made mine" because you see the purpose in what you are doing -- which is to raise mentally well-adjusted, calm, happy, appropriately self confident children who see home as a refuge instead of as another source of huge stress, competition, tension, etc. I manage my own 401k and I'm doing just fine. If spouse of more than 30 years left me tomorrow, I'd be fine financially. I would get my payout after 30+ years, half of it spent caring for my family exclusively. That's the part people don't like to talk about: sunk cost and how that plays to your benefit. I would look back and think: I'm so, so lucky I got to do things the way I did, and I didn't live in fear of the future and what my peers would think of me and live for them instead of myself and my family. I did it my way, and good for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't need "her own" investment accounts since she already owns half of whatever are in each of their accounts, just like he does.

OP- What is the career path you are on? Are you actively moving forward with your career advancement? It does not sound like it, but maybe you left something out. How much were you earning in this last position? How much are you likely to earn in your next position? How old are your children? How old are you and your DH?

I made 325k a year as a Director of Program Management at a mid-sized government contractors. I’m 34 and my husband is 37.

You are a massive troll.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read everything, but want to say that the job title Director of Program Management at a government contractor and this description from OP do NOT work together.

Most recent job (fired a couple months year ago after 7 years): I worked for seven years at a company. The job started out great, but as time went on, my manager began expecting constant, detailed daily updates and rapid turnaround on tasks that kept shifting. There were times when she said I wasn’t being proactive enough or communicating well enough with the team. Eventually, HR got involved and told me they needed to let me go. It was a big blow to my confidence and really hit me hard.


OP talks about her manager, but she was a Director. Her manager would be an executive in the company. No executive in a company has time to ask for daily updates and quick turn tasks. OP would have been demoted or let go immediately.

[Anonymous]

Y'all are assuming OP would even be able to find another job. It's pretty hard to find a new job if you've been fired from a Director-level position in a government contractor. People talk.

OP's best bet is to make a career change and the paycut that goes along with it. OP, you need to find a counselor/career counselor to help you figure out your next steps. The job market is terrible and you're not going to find a comparable new job, especially not at that salary.

[Anonymous]

I'd take the time to explore a variety of options. SAHM, working part time, upgrading skills, possibly look into if you have ADHD, exploring different career interests....

You are in a position to view this as an opportunity.