Husband wants me to be a SAHM after I got fired…what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I became a SAHM more than 15 years ago. I lost a job, husband said just focus on the kids for now, we're doing fine, so I did and I just never went back. I threw myself into working for the enrichment of my family instead of working to enrich some random company or organization. I have no regrets, I don't feel like I missed out at all. I'm thankful. My spouse of more than 30 years is my best friend; our young adult kids still talk to us, which feels like an accomplishment in today's growing age of estrangement. I'm almost 60. Just posting this to let you know, OP, that this perception can be out there, it exists. You CAN create a great life being a SAHM. The key to making it work is to be comfortable in your own skin, because you're the exception to the rule, the outlier, the weird one who literally isn't towing the company line. The one going against society's grain. You need to be strong enough to stand in the withering gaze of the work-outside-the-home mom who thinks you are somehow letting down the sisterhood and not shrink an inch. You can go toe to toe with her. You can think "whatever, lady, you've made your choice and I've made mine" because you see the purpose in what you are doing -- which is to raise mentally well-adjusted, calm, happy, appropriately self confident children who see home as a refuge instead of as another source of huge stress, competition, tension, etc. I manage my own 401k and I'm doing just fine. If spouse of more than 30 years left me tomorrow, I'd be fine financially. I would get my payout after 30+ years, half of it spent caring for my family exclusively. That's the part people don't like to talk about: sunk cost and how that plays to your benefit. I would look back and think: I'm so, so lucky I got to do things the way I did, and I didn't live in fear of the future and what my peers would think of me and live for them instead of myself and my family. I did it my way, and good for me.

Did you read any of OP's post? Her spouse is kicking her while she's down while also suggesting that she depend on him, and insulting her along the way. Does any of that story resonate with your tale? Your story is lovely and I'm glad that worked out. It is diametrically opposed to what OP seems to be dealing with. As a sidenote, no one is looking at you with a withering gaze. Maybe settle down with the self-congratulatory refrain. It doesn't make you sound content; just defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I became a SAHM more than 15 years ago. I lost a job, husband said just focus on the kids for now, we're doing fine, so I did and I just never went back. I threw myself into working for the enrichment of my family instead of working to enrich some random company or organization. I have no regrets, I don't feel like I missed out at all. I'm thankful. My spouse of more than 30 years is my best friend; our young adult kids still talk to us, which feels like an accomplishment in today's growing age of estrangement. I'm almost 60. Just posting this to let you know, OP, that this perception can be out there, it exists. You CAN create a great life being a SAHM. The key to making it work is to be comfortable in your own skin, because you're the exception to the rule, the outlier, the weird one who literally isn't towing the company line. The one going against society's grain. You need to be strong enough to stand in the withering gaze of the work-outside-the-home mom who thinks you are somehow letting down the sisterhood and not shrink an inch. You can go toe to toe with her. You can think "whatever, lady, you've made your choice and I've made mine" because you see the purpose in what you are doing -- which is to raise mentally well-adjusted, calm, happy, appropriately self confident children who see home as a refuge instead of as another source of huge stress, competition, tension, etc. I manage my own 401k and I'm doing just fine. If spouse of more than 30 years left me tomorrow, I'd be fine financially. I would get my payout after 30+ years, half of it spent caring for my family exclusively. That's the part people don't like to talk about: sunk cost and how that plays to your benefit. I would look back and think: I'm so, so lucky I got to do things the way I did, and I didn't live in fear of the future and what my peers would think of me and live for them instead of myself and my family. I did it my way, and good for me.

Did you read any of OP's post? Her spouse is kicking her while she's down while also suggesting that she depend on him, and insulting her along the way. Does any of that story resonate with your tale? Your story is lovely and I'm glad that worked out. It is diametrically opposed to what OP seems to be dealing with. As a sidenote, no one is looking at you with a withering gaze. Maybe settle down with the self-congratulatory refrain. It doesn't make you sound content; just defensive.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP, do what you want to do and ignore your husband's attacks. Sounds like he thinks it is in his best interests if you stay home, and he's taking some low blows to get his way. What's in your best interests? If you want to stay home, just make sure you are comfortable with how you spend and invest your money for your family. If you want to keep working, then keep working. Do what's right for you, and consider your kids as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't need "her own" investment accounts since she already owns half of whatever are in each of their accounts, just like he does.

OP- What is the career path you are on? Are you actively moving forward with your career advancement? It does not sound like it, but maybe you left something out. How much were you earning in this last position? How much are you likely to earn in your next position? How old are your children? How old are you and your DH?

I made 325k a year as a Director of Program Management at a mid-sized government contractors. I’m 34 and my husband is 37.

Seriously? After reading your first post, I assumed you were a low paid employee earning way less than your husband.
You earn that much and have a solid career, yet you allow your husband to put you down like that?
You must be a troll.
Anyone who has achieved that level in their career wouldn't have such low self-worth.

[Anonymous]

what did you make.

at some point, it just seems useless for a low earnng spouse to work instead of SAHM.

i see here "my husband makes 600 and i make 40..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I became a SAHM more than 15 years ago. I lost a job, husband said just focus on the kids for now, we're doing fine, so I did and I just never went back. I threw myself into working for the enrichment of my family instead of working to enrich some random company or organization. I have no regrets, I don't feel like I missed out at all. I'm thankful. My spouse of more than 30 years is my best friend; our young adult kids still talk to us, which feels like an accomplishment in today's growing age of estrangement. I'm almost 60. Just posting this to let you know, OP, that this perception can be out there, it exists. You CAN create a great life being a SAHM. The key to making it work is to be comfortable in your own skin, because you're the exception to the rule, the outlier, the weird one who literally isn't towing the company line. The one going against society's grain. You need to be strong enough to stand in the withering gaze of the work-outside-the-home mom who thinks you are somehow letting down the sisterhood and not shrink an inch. You can go toe to toe with her. You can think "whatever, lady, you've made your choice and I've made mine" because you see the purpose in what you are doing -- which is to raise mentally well-adjusted, calm, happy, appropriately self confident children who see home as a refuge instead of as another source of huge stress, competition, tension, etc. I manage my own 401k and I'm doing just fine. If spouse of more than 30 years left me tomorrow, I'd be fine financially. I would get my payout after 30+ years, half of it spent caring for my family exclusively. That's the part people don't like to talk about: sunk cost and how that plays to your benefit. I would look back and think: I'm so, so lucky I got to do things the way I did, and I didn't live in fear of the future and what my peers would think of me and live for them instead of myself and my family. I did it my way, and good for me.

Did you read any of OP's post? Her spouse is kicking her while she's down while also suggesting that she depend on him, and insulting her along the way. Does any of that story resonate with your tale? Your story is lovely and I'm glad that worked out. It is diametrically opposed to what OP seems to be dealing with. As a sidenote, no one is looking at you with a withering gaze. Maybe settle down with the self-congratulatory refrain. It doesn't make you sound content; just defensive.

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP I wanted to stay home when my kids were tiny, and my husband was not ok with it, he didn’t want to be the only income and we didn’t have as much money then. There is no way I would agree to be a SAHM now with my kids busy with activities and school now so I could do 100 percent of the household stuff I never liked and spend no more time with my kids (particularly the after working my way into a mommy tracked flexible job that allows me to be there for my kids a lot). Everyone is different- if you want to stay home now go for it but the way you described your husband’s approach to this is troubling, like you are a failure at working and only good enough to do chores around the house. That would make me very uncomfortable and worry about my security long term so agree with the other posters who suggested a post nup or something similar

[Anonymous]

So, you are saying, you have been fired from every job you had and are only 33?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you're slow and not good at adapting to change. Children change. Boys move fast. I am not sure you will be any better as a SAHM than as a career woman, though you can't really get fired from being a SAHM.

It also sounds like OP has poor executive functioning skills, and those are necessary to manage kids, especially busy twins. Again, I don't think OP will be a reliable SAHM so chances are her husband is going to get mad at her a few months in for half-assing parenting and sucking at it.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, OP was making good money. If she was earning less than $150k at 40, it wouldn't be worth it for her to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you are saying, you have been fired from every job you had and are only 33?

And this is helpful how?

[Anonymous]

NP but being fired from every job you have ever had, I would get assessed by a psychologist as there is some issue that is not being addressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah a law partner making $575 is not that great in this area. Doesn't seem you guys could save much on that. I'm actually surprised he doesn't want to to find another job. On one hand it could be a gallant gesture saying he will support the family with his single income. But I'd be worried about what happens in the event of a divorce.

NP. Can’t save on 575k? We save on 200k, what the heck?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me, this is a red flag. You need to have money of your own, that he doesn’t control or know about. You should make sure you can live as a single parent if needed. He doesn’t sound very respectful and loving. Look for another job.

To me the red flag is a law firm partner making $575k. Where is this?

Maybe a small firm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me, this is a red flag. You need to have money of your own, that he doesn’t control or know about. You should make sure you can live as a single parent if needed. He doesn’t sound very respectful and loving. Look for another job.

To me the red flag is a law firm partner making $575k. Where is this?

We’re on the west coast, chose to move here during Covid.

And yet you worked at your recent job for 7 years?