DH is still mad at DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DD is a good student. She does gymnastics all year long and also doing school gymnastics for this season. Started to work part time during school year. DH was too harsh on her saying that she broke the trust and he has a hard time believing her. He shut her off without listening to her apology. Since then he is being too mean. I took her out with me to run errands the other day and grab some take out to eat. He blamed me that I’m being too soft on her. According to him she should eat food at home and suffer more. I don’t want that. I’m tired of his strictness. She is already stressed and feeling that she wants to graduate HS and be out of the house. He doesn’t realize it’s damaging. If I try to explain to him, he won’t listen. It’s no point of getting into arguments.

The bolded description is going to be the type of guy she finds. Is she a people pleaser? He needs to apologize to her too and explain how his actions were messed up before she normalizes this. Or at least you can

This is so true.

She's learning that love is fleeting and can be taken away at the drop of a hat. She's going to find men who abuse her and think that's normal "well that's how I grew up, that's what my dad always did.". These are terrible lessons for your children to be learning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH does this.

When my oldest was 10, DH started this behavior with him and I looking back a decade, I wish I’d had a crystal ball to see how many times he did it after that and that I had recognized how emotionally immature it was, and put my foot down.

But I didn’t, every time it happened I instead told my *son* to try harder, to please Dad. I wish I had said if it happened again, we are out of here. But I didn’t and I have such regrets.

Ugh yikes.

These are the kids who will go NC with their parents and the parents will be fumbling around wondering why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From Dad's perspective, breaking the trust is emotionally hard to deal with. If my daughter had done this, I could understand why he is still suffering. Remember, in his mind, he is trying to get over this, but he just can't (yet).

This is not an excuse. He MUST "get over this." He is the adult here. "Trying to get over this" doesn't cut it.

He must recognize that she is a teen and is still learning. And, OP, tell him to look at the mistakes he's made in his life (numerous, I'm sure) and the understanding and grace he was given then.

If she does this again, that's another issue.

Not making an excuse, just trying to explain what's in guy's head. Women see these things as an "event", the DH sees this as a failure in raising kids

That sounds awfully like an excuse... He's failing in raising his kids by being an abusive AH. Not because a teenager lied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H just called my DD a brat, not in front of her, she was kind of being bratty but that isn’t okay. Its triggering to me and I expect better because my dad beat me a lot as a kid & teen, till I left for college, so any kind of harsh language isn’t ok.

You're too sensitive because of your past.

Calling your kid a brat behind her back to you, his wife, is not a big deal, especially if she is being bratty. Your DH shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because of your traumatic past.

Get some therapy. And I'm team OP.

+1 Agree

I understand, though — experiencing trauma can affect rational thinking. My dad was also very physical, and I remember the last time he hit me, in the late 90s. I was 19 years old, responsible, a young adult, and engaged, home from college over Thanksgiving break my sophomore year. I came in late, unlocked the door, and woke him up — he had been asleep on the couch and was drunk. He came storming as I was walking up the stairs, grabbed me by my hair, dragged me down the stairs, and started beating me with his hands. Then he took off his belt and hit me with it. It went on for about ten minutes. I ended up with a sprained wrist, a black eye, a busted lip, and could barely walk or sit for about a week afterward due to the welts and bruises.
Even though this wasn’t something my siblings and I experienced often — maybe a few times a year — it wasn’t good for us, so I can’t imagine the effects of it happening more frequently. That said, PP, DH calling DD a brat behind her back is really nothing. All I can say is yes to seeking professional help — it can make a world of difference and help your kids become well-adjusted adults. Mine are 16–25, happy and full of life, and had/have amazing childhoods, thanks to our emotionally healthy parenting.
Best wishes.

Sounds awful. There sure is a lot of shitty dads, and the abuse doesn’t end til adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last week our 16 y.o. DD got grounded. The phone is taken away. She will take the school bus instead of driving our car. The reason for grounded she lied to us: saying that she is going to work but instead hanged out with her friends. DH has been furious since then and not talking to her all. DD realizes and acknowledges her mistake but it’s stressing her out how DH is taking this too far. I was also disappointed but explained that this was a mistake learn from it and don’t repeat. When your child gets grounded, how long is the tension or how do you habdje? Is my DD being to strict?

Too far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H just called my DD a brat, not in front of her, she was kind of being bratty but that isn’t okay. Its triggering to me and I expect better because my dad beat me a lot as a kid & teen, till I left for college, so any kind of harsh language isn’t ok.

You're too sensitive because of your past.

Calling your kid a brat behind her back to you, his wife, is not a big deal, especially if she is being bratty. Your DH shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because of your traumatic past.

Get some therapy. And I'm team OP.

+1 Agree

I understand, though — experiencing trauma can affect rational thinking. My dad was also very physical, and I remember the last time he hit me, in the late 90s. I was 19 years old, responsible, a young adult, and engaged, home from college over Thanksgiving break my sophomore year. I came in late, unlocked the door, and woke him up — he had been asleep on the couch and was drunk. He came storming as I was walking up the stairs, grabbed me by my hair, dragged me down the stairs, and started beating me with his hands. Then he took off his belt and hit me with it. It went on for about ten minutes. I ended up with a sprained wrist, a black eye, a busted lip, and could barely walk or sit for about a week afterward due to the welts and bruises.
Even though this wasn’t something my siblings and I experienced often — maybe a few times a year — it wasn’t good for us, so I can’t imagine the effects of it happening more frequently. That said, PP, DH calling DD a brat behind her back is really nothing. All I can say is yes to seeking professional help — it can make a world of difference and help your kids become well-adjusted adults. Mine are 16–25, happy and full of life, and had/have amazing childhoods, thanks to our emotionally healthy parenting.
Best wishes.

Do we all have a story like this.. my alcoholic dad physically beat me not once, but twice, at 16, for coming home late, both times caused bad injuries. Sorry that happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Silent treatment == not okay

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to stand up for yourself and your daughter? I can sense the insecurity, fear, and self-blaming you are feeling. Is that what you want for your daughter.

The lie was a not good thing that every teen pulls, usually more than once. The natural consequence of lying is some loss of trust. I would probably have increased parental controls on the phone and grounded for a short time. Then she’d have needed a bit more contact with me when going out, and then back to normal. At no time should yelling, withholding affection etc. come into it.

I really hope you get into counseling. I would do individual and marriage. If your husband is abusive family therapy would be damaging. Same for marriage counseling- if these is who he is, marriage counseling won’t change that. If these are behaviors he can change, then he needs to do the work stat. Otherwise I’d be looking for a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Before giving him the apology note she wrote, asked how long is the punishment is going to be? He replied not till the end of the school year for driving our car. I asked him about the silent treatment. Then we got into a verbal fight. Recap the conversation: I’m the one who gives him the silent treatment, I have no concern about his health or his mom who is currently in the care center, I don’t throw away recycle items, I don’t put shoes away from the entry way, I’m lazy…I told him you made me lazy bc anytime I clean he said stop cleaning, relax don’t do anything. I don’t respect his wishes… actually I’m the one who does all chores at home, throwing away all the crap he collects. basically whatever I do I’m not good enough. Then he said he will leave and I have to pay phone, electricity bills when I said that I’m not happy and our family relationship is so dysfunctional. I didn’t respond to his word bc I was about to get into work call. Then he went to my dd room. They’ve talked. DD told him she was sorry… Since then we haven’t talked. He is out to take my ds to the sport practice. I took my dd to her practice. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. Whatever happens I will make it fine. It’s not like I’m sitting home doing nothing. I work, I pay bills, groceries too. I clean, cook. I don’t ask for expensive handbags or mani pedi allowance like other friends of mine do to their dh. He doesn’t have much friends. He’s retired. He’s not an easy person to live with, I realized.

I think you should get your finances in order and get ready to divorce him when the youngest goes to college.

Your life will be miserable with just the two of you.

I'm a pp whose dad is like your DH - holds grudges forever, and gives his wife (my mom) the silent treatment (for a year). Unfortunately, my mother didn't have a job, was uneducated and doesn't speak English (we're immigrants), and that generation really didn't believe in divorce. Women just suffered in silence. Fast forward several years after I (youngest) left home, she had had enough and told my dad she wanted a divorce. He stopped being an ahole for a while, but then reverted to his old ways. But, by then, she didn't GAF, and she'd stand up for herself and curse him out. She had never been that way before.

Us kids think she should've left him long ago. She now has dementia, and we are convinced it was hastened by the stress of living with my dad.

Leave when you can. You will be a lot happier. And let your kids know it was not their fault.

[Anonymous]

He has issues if he is punishing by giving the silent treatment. Completely inappropriate, especially to your own kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From Dad's perspective, breaking the trust is emotionally hard to deal with. If my daughter had done this, I could understand why he is still suffering. Remember, in his mind, he is trying to get over this, but he just can't (yet).

What do you suggest? Should I and DD stay quiet until he cools off? I don’t know how long it will take though? I can tolerate him. It just hard for DD to see her pain.

Tell him to leave and come back when he is ready to deal with this like a mature adult. He doesn’t get to do this. When he is ready to talk and rejoin the family, he can return. He can stay in a hotel. If he won’t leave, I would seriously consider taking my daughter and leaving. Go to a hotel or a friend’s house. He needs to see how harmful this behavior is. You can offer him a way out by helping him talk with her and letting her know how hurt he felt. But he has to say that and move on.

I issued a similar ultimatum to my STBX. He went to our second home for a while. And then a month later, he filed for divorce.

My DD pushing back against his emotionally abusive behavior impacted him differently than me pushing back. He couldn’t handle it. I think it basically destroyed his ego so he had to destroy our family to make it “fair” and get away from the shame of what he had done.

OP, I think you rightly sense that this is more than just him being mad about a phone. You’re in a really delicate situation. I don’t mean to sound crazy, but he’s showing you a bit of who he is. This is a good time to quietly gather passwords and screenshot account info and other financial information. Make copies of important paper documents. Best case scenario is that you never need any of that.

Good luck and good for you for flagging this as not ok. Thinking of you and your DD.

[Anonymous]

Holy sh-t, OP, I am the 15:31 PP and hadn’t gone through the entire thread and now I’m worried for you. Please look up coercive control and do what you need to stay safe. The entryway shoes, the recycling, the weaponization of an elderly in-law: everything you wrote is something we experienced.

It gets worse.