DH is still mad at DD

[Anonymous]

Taking the phone away should have a timeline. A week? 2 weeks? And then you stick to that. That is the punishment, no?

Anything more than that is wrong. You don't continue to punish. The damage he is creating (and you by allowing it) will stay with her forever. She may actually be too afraid to reach out when a real emergency happens.

[Anonymous]

I think the punishment is a little harsh. No phone and no car seems appropriate, but not allowing you spend time with her and getting lunch seems odd.

You can punish and still show affection/spend valuable time with your kid. Both can happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is being emotionally abusive. Stonewalling is abuse. He's abusing your child.

This, absolutely. Not talking to your minor child is abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From Dad's perspective, breaking the trust is emotionally hard to deal with. If my daughter had done this, I could understand why he is still suffering. Remember, in his mind, he is trying to get over this, but he just can't (yet).

You’re immature and should not be raising children.

[Anonymous]

Hey people shaming and labeling is not helpful here to the OP, or her family. In my house it is the lying that gets punished. Telling the truth is essential, understanding that kids lie because it is easier sometimes. You need to find out from your daughter, why did she do this, why did she lie about it, does she see how the lying as made everything worse in addressing this. Also, what does your daughter think would be a reasonable recourse here to ensure in the future she is following family rules and not lying? Does this discussion with her make sense? Is she being honest now? Is the proposed ‘alternate’ punishment proportional to the original act. Then talk to your DH. Let him know you were not happy with your DD actions, however you believe this silent treatment will ultimately push your daughter away. Find out why he is being so harsh? What is his greatest concern? Does that answer seem reasonable? Say you want to have a peaceful discussion and see if you can resolve the lack of his willingness to hear what the daughter has to say and see if you all can 1) agree with what should be a reasonable consequence, and 2) what would be the future consequence if this recurs. Do think that OP you want some counseling for yourself so you can have the ability to get your needs met by understanding them and voicing them. You are both parents and you both should decide together on consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely did this when I was 14 but never got caught. I did it because my mom didn’t like my friend and I couldn’t otherwise hang out with her. She was the most fun friend I ever had as a kid. Why did your DD feel she couldn’t just get permission to hang with her friends?

OP here. I don’t know why DD lied. She is also upset about this and resenting herself why she did to us. We always give her what she wants, needs. I felt guilty too. That day I didn’t even check on her until my DH start calling her phone. He even drove to her work and found no her car. When he finally got in touch with her DD said she is at work then changed her response that she is at the store to get snacks. Her location was off too. So it really made DH upset more that day.

Response to the other reply: DH is from here, I’m an immigrant, been here more than 15 years.

She lied because kids make mistakes. That’s it.

First off, this wasn't a "mistake". She willfully chose to lie.

Second, your DH is making things worse. He's being immature and passive aggressive to further try to punish her and make her feel guilty.

Kids lie and do things against their parents wishes. They push boundaries and make bad decisions. But, your DH is now the one taking things too far.

-another immigrant

[Anonymous]

My H just called my DD a brat, not in front of her, she was kind of being bratty but that isn’t okay. Its triggering to me and I expect better because my dad beat me a lot as a kid & teen, till I left for college, so any kind of harsh language isn’t ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Because of the snow, the school is closed again today. DD is ready to take the bus and be out of the house now. I’ve tried to explain to him at least give her phone when she is out, so we know her where abouts. He said no. She can figure out how to get home if there is an after school activity. I’m used to his behavior. But it’s hard to watch how is he treating his own DD. Last night she came to me crying that he is still mad at her and doesn’t say he loves her anymore, why he hates her so much etc… I wanted to all of us have a talk together but I don’t know what to say and how to say. Because I know he won’t give me a chance to say what I want. If I look back, he’s been always a hard to communicate and emotionally abusive

You're going to let him abuse her mentally? Good luck after she turns 18 and cuts you both out of her life. You need to stick up for her.

[Anonymous]

^ is this a post from Op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From Dad's perspective, breaking the trust is emotionally hard to deal with. If my daughter had done this, I could understand why he is still suffering. Remember, in his mind, he is trying to get over this, but he just can't (yet).

You’re immature and should not be raising children.

dp.. I think maybe it's because the dad is still furious and doesn't want to talk to the DD. Sometimes, you need time to cool off before you can talk reasonably. I know that's how I am.

Having stated that, two weeks seems like a lot of time. I bet the DH also holds grudges a lot.

I know how people like this are because my dad is just like this. He has no friends, and most of us kids don't really like to spend much time with him. It's sad.

I inherited this trait from my dad, but I recognize it (now), and try not to be this way, especially to my kids.

Your DD will end up disliking her father, and their relationship will never be close. Ask him if that's the type of relationship he wants with his daughter.

I had to have the same conversation with my DH about how he was with DD - what kind of relationship do you want with your kids? He's changed since then. My sister also had a similar conversation with her DH. He was also quite harsh.

There's a fine line between coddling your kids and being a supportive parent. Being supportive doesn't mean coddling. She was punished appropriately. That should be the end of that.

However, she also needs to understand that she has lost some trust from her dad. She needs to earn that back somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My H just called my DD a brat, not in front of her, she was kind of being bratty but that isn’t okay. Its triggering to me and I expect better because my dad beat me a lot as a kid & teen, till I left for college, so any kind of harsh language isn’t ok.

You're too sensitive because of your past.

Calling your kid a brat behind her back to you, his wife, is not a big deal, especially if she is being bratty. Your DH shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because of your traumatic past.

Get some therapy. And I'm team OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ is this a post from Op?

No DP.

[Anonymous]

The silent treatment isn’t okay. Consequences are fine, but he’s the grown up and needs to make sure his daughter knows he loves her unconditionally, even when she’s being punished.

I would consider being firm, but not accusatory with him. Tell him he needs to be the adult, otherwise he’s setting her up to be in an abusive relationship when she’s older. But that’s hard to do since I’m guessing this isn’t the first time he’s acted like this. OP - I suggest you seek out a good therapist to try to figure out what you should do long term.

I grew up with a volatile father and a peace maker mother, and find myself in a similar situation - therapy has helped. Still not resolved, but it’s better.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Before giving him the apology note she wrote, asked how long is the punishment is going to be? He replied not till the end of the school year for driving our car. I asked him about the silent treatment. Then we got into a verbal fight. Recap the conversation: I’m the one who gives him the silent treatment, I have no concern about his health or his mom who is currently in the care center, I don’t throw away recycle items, I don’t put shoes away from the entry way, I’m lazy…I told him you made me lazy bc anytime I clean he said stop cleaning, relax don’t do anything. I don’t respect his wishes… actually I’m the one who does all chores at home, throwing away all the crap he collects. basically whatever I do I’m not good enough. Then he said he will leave and I have to pay phone, electricity bills when I said that I’m not happy and our family relationship is so dysfunctional. I didn’t respond to his word bc I was about to get into work call. Then he went to my dd room. They’ve talked. DD told him she was sorry… Since then we haven’t talked. He is out to take my ds to the sport practice. I took my dd to her practice. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. Whatever happens I will make it fine. It’s not like I’m sitting home doing nothing. I work, I pay bills, groceries too. I clean, cook. I don’t ask for expensive handbags or mani pedi allowance like other friends of mine do to their dh. He doesn’t have much friends. He’s retired. He’s not an easy person to live with, I realized.

[Anonymous]

What is he trying to teach her by giving her the silent treatment on top of a traditional punishment? Is he trying to teach her that his love is conditional? Is he trying to teach her that emotional punishments are OK to dole out to other people? Is he trying to teach her that punishments can be unclear and have no specific parameters?

The silent treatment is abuse beyond an initial short period of being angry. How would he like it if she stopped talking to him for a week for whatever reason? Does he want her to be afraid of him? Does he want to push her away?

Teenagers lie. They all lie. It might be a big lie or a small lie, but they all do this at some point. How the parents handle it is important. Your husband is signaling to her that she is not worth his time and not worth talking. That’s going to damage their relationship if that is the way he is going to go about things.