DH is still mad at DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I will try to talk to him today. English is not my native language, if im upset or stressed I will lose the argument. I need to tell him that he needs to chill without making further difficulties for my DD.

Be soft. Hard a$$ approach will meet with hard a$$ pushback and may make things even worse.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you can't have a conversation about this also is a red flag to me. He doesn't get to solely make parenting decisions and it seems like you two are walking on eggshells


She's the kid in this situation, he's not acting like the adult here.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s fine not to have her phone as punishment, even at school. She can deal. But the silent treatment is mean from him- he needs to forgive her and move on. Did she apologize? Maybe the two of them, need to talk this out.

Also, why would she need to lie to hang out with friends? Is there a boyfriend involved and she isn’t allowed to date? Friends you don’t like? Was she supposed to be home studying when not at work for a night test? Seems like an odd thing to lie about without a particular reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely did this when I was 14 but never got caught. I did it because my mom didn’t like my friend and I couldn’t otherwise hang out with her. She was the most fun friend I ever had as a kid. Why did your DD feel she couldn’t just get permission to hang with her friends?

OP here. I don’t know why DD lied. She is also upset about this and resenting herself why she did to us. We always give her what she wants, needs. I felt guilty too. That day I didn’t even check on her until my DH start calling her phone. He even drove to her work and found no her car. When he finally got in touch with her DD said she is at work then changed her response that she is at the store to get snacks. Her location was off too. So it really made DH upset more that day.

Response to the other reply: DH is from here, I’m an immigrant, been here more than 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s fine not to have her phone as punishment, even at school. She can deal. But the silent treatment is mean from him- he needs to forgive her and move on. Did she apologize? Maybe the two of them, need to talk this out.

Also, why would she need to lie to hang out with friends? Is there a boyfriend involved and she isn’t allowed to date? Friends you don’t like? Was she supposed to be home studying when not at work for a night test? Seems like an odd thing to lie about without a particular reason.

That day when she came home, DD said that these 2 girls invited her to hang out. DD says they are good students but do smoking and she sweared that she didn’t smoke. She was out from 3-9pm and didn’t texts us the whole time. That day the snow storm was just about yo start and there was no work at all. DH is upset about this whole thing how she lied from the beginning. She started having a bf. We know him and he wasn’t involved that day.

[Anonymous]

I see both sides. Yes, he’s taking it too far. But often I tell DH he’s being an ass and he tells me I’m coddling them and they aren’t little anymore. Sometimes we are both right and sometimes we are both wrong.

Teen years are tough and we generally have agreed to not interfere on little things with one parent. Like we don’t over rule a big decision. But we aren’t going to play counselor if a kid isn’t mad at one of us for any reason and let it work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely did this when I was 14 but never got caught. I did it because my mom didn’t like my friend and I couldn’t otherwise hang out with her. She was the most fun friend I ever had as a kid. Why did your DD feel she couldn’t just get permission to hang with her friends?

OP here. I don’t know why DD lied. She is also upset about this and resenting herself why she did to us. We always give her what she wants, needs. I felt guilty too. That day I didn’t even check on her until my DH start calling her phone. He even drove to her work and found no her car. When he finally got in touch with her DD said she is at work then changed her response that she is at the store to get snacks. Her location was off too. So it really made DH upset more that day.

Response to the other reply: DH is from here, I’m an immigrant, been here more than 15 years.

She lied because kids make mistakes. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is a POS.

He needs to grow up and realize he too is not perfect (how shocking!!) and be the loving father his DD needs. Ever consider WHY she felt the need to lie?

This would be a deal breaker for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DD is a good student. She does gymnastics all year long and also doing school gymnastics for this season. Started to work part time during school year. DH was too harsh on her saying that she broke the trust and he has a hard time believing her. He shut her off without listening to her apology. Since then he is being too mean. I took her out with me to run errands the other day and grab some take out to eat. He blamed me that I’m being too soft on her. According to him she should eat food at home and suffer more. I don’t want that. I’m tired of his strictness. She is already stressed and feeling that she wants to graduate HS and be out of the house. He doesn’t realize it’s damaging. If I try to explain to him, he won’t listen. It’s no point of getting into arguments.

The silent treatment is abusive. He sounds like a controlling loser. It’s no wonder she lies, she will go off to college and never look back.

And she’ll be done with you too because you’re complicit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely did this when I was 14 but never got caught. I did it because my mom didn’t like my friend and I couldn’t otherwise hang out with her. She was the most fun friend I ever had as a kid. Why did your DD feel she couldn’t just get permission to hang with her friends?

OP here. I don’t know why DD lied. She is also upset about this and resenting herself why she did to us. We always give her what she wants, needs. I felt guilty too. That day I didn’t even check on her until my DH start calling her phone. He even drove to her work and found no her car. When he finally got in touch with her DD said she is at work then changed her response that she is at the store to get snacks. Her location was off too. So it really made DH upset more that day.

Response to the other reply: DH is from here, I’m an immigrant, been here more than 15 years.

Your daughter is 16? Is she his daughter?

[Anonymous]

So, he is always checking on her. Did she not know? Why would she have to lie about being with friends? Do you not like her friends?
I never lied to my parents, but they never cared where I was.
I'm surprised you don't know why she had to lie.
DH seems strict to the point of abnormal. Are you leaving out something about him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you can't have a conversation about this also is a red flag to me. He doesn't get to solely make parenting decisions and it seems like you two are walking on eggshells


She's the kid in this situation, he's not acting like the adult here.

Yes, you are correct. I’ve tried to talk to him and he wouldn’t listen. He’s like that most of the time. I’m used to it. I’m not a firm enough. Me and my DD are really walking on eggshells rn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely did this when I was 14 but never got caught. I did it because my mom didn’t like my friend and I couldn’t otherwise hang out with her. She was the most fun friend I ever had as a kid. Why did your DD feel she couldn’t just get permission to hang with her friends?

OP here. I don’t know why DD lied. She is also upset about this and resenting herself why she did to us. We always give her what she wants, needs. I felt guilty too. That day I didn’t even check on her until my DH start calling her phone. He even drove to her work and found no her car. When he finally got in touch with her DD said she is at work then changed her response that she is at the store to get snacks. Her location was off too. So it really made DH upset more that day.

Response to the other reply: DH is from here, I’m an immigrant, been here more than 15 years.

Your daughter is 16? Is she his daughter?

Yes. She is 16. She is his biological daughter

[Anonymous]

The biggest fights we have had raising kids is over my husband acting like this. It’s a control thing and lack of knowledge of teens/families. He was raised in a very dysfunctional home with an absent dad so he has never seen “normal” and there’s a lot of “what I had to do when I was your age.” I did stand tall with my kids and away from them voiced my rationale and concern to spouse. I stood up to protect my kids who have turned out very well. I have told him when he’s crossed the line and had him go find them, sit and talk and apologize when he’s gone too far.

We are a united front on issues, just not always delivery and consequences. But- we try to work together.

[Anonymous]

^^ without dad in the house (an alcoholic cheater who left) he has an idea of masculinity that is very old school. Thinks he needs to be so tough.