DH is still mad at DD

[Anonymous]

Last week our 16 y.o. DD got grounded. The phone is taken away. She will take the school bus instead of driving our car. The reason for grounded she lied to us: saying that she is going to work but instead hanged out with her friends. DH has been furious since then and not talking to her all. DD realizes and acknowledges her mistake but it’s stressing her out how DH is taking this too far. I was also disappointed but explained that this was a mistake learn from it and don’t repeat. When your child gets grounded, how long is the tension or how do you habdje? Is my DD being to strict?

[Anonymous]

My kid is 13. But there’s generally no tension after the first 15-30 mins.
She had all electronics taken away last Weds thru this morning. She was using an old device to sneaky watch utube and chat to friends at night when I thought she was sleeping and got caught. I took the device ( an old phone) her phone and tablet, told her they were gone until Monday and told her to write me an essay on the effects lack of sleep can have on the mind and body including if you have adhd, which she has.
There was no tension, we acted normally for the 4 days. She didnt ask for them back or shine about it because there was no point.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is being a jackass, and you need to step in. Giving the silent treatment is emotionally abusive. Your kid paid her penalty. That’s it. For him to stay silent for another week is immature and hurtful. He’s continuing to punish her. It’s mean.

Step in now. Read this together. Your daughter needs you to get him to stop this.
https://www.fatherly.com/life/the-silent-treatment-marriage-advice?utm_source=google&utm_medium=halyard&utm_campaign=h_fa_00026&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=21540137457&gbraid=0AAAAAqxUEyU_h15Iq6alK93LLOj25kS5l&gclid=CjwKCAiAs4HMBhBJEiwACrfNZazkpxhpPFNgMeAVDDq-_sFVy_-Ljp1dGx-IYw84RGrxh6emhKUNSRoC4zoQAvD_BwE

[Anonymous]

OP here. DD is a good student. She does gymnastics all year long and also doing school gymnastics for this season. Started to work part time during school year. DH was too harsh on her saying that she broke the trust and he has a hard time believing her. He shut her off without listening to her apology. Since then he is being too mean. I took her out with me to run errands the other day and grab some take out to eat. He blamed me that I’m being too soft on her. According to him she should eat food at home and suffer more. I don’t want that. I’m tired of his strictness. She is already stressed and feeling that she wants to graduate HS and be out of the house. He doesn’t realize it’s damaging. If I try to explain to him, he won’t listen. It’s no point of getting into arguments.

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing he does the same to you? Punishes you with his silence? Doesn’t listen to anyone but himself?

Not a good person. Tell him counseling or you will leave. Men get away with this type of abuse for years because someone allows them to think it’s normal/ok. It’s not. Don’t let him keep emotionally abusing your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Actually, some arguments are worth having. Your DH is being emotionally…I don’t know if abusive is the right worm, but he’s being a real jerk.

How about starting from what is he afraid of? What does he think will happen if he doesn’t keep punishing her? What does he hope for her, and for himself? You want to lead him to…what kind of relationship does he want with his daughter in a couple of years when she is a young adult? Does he want to be part of her life? What sorts of behaviors on his part now might make that more or less possible? Maybe he’ll at least think about it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Because of the snow, the school is closed again today. DD is ready to take the bus and be out of the house now. I’ve tried to explain to him at least give her phone when she is out, so we know her where abouts. He said no. She can figure out how to get home if there is an after school activity. I’m used to his behavior. But it’s hard to watch how is he treating his own DD. Last night she came to me crying that he is still mad at her and doesn’t say he loves her anymore, why he hates her so much etc… I wanted to all of us have a talk together but I don’t know what to say and how to say. Because I know he won’t give me a chance to say what I want. If I look back, he’s been always a hard to communicate and emotionally abusive

[Anonymous]

From Dad's perspective, breaking the trust is emotionally hard to deal with. If my daughter had done this, I could understand why he is still suffering. Remember, in his mind, he is trying to get over this, but he just can't (yet).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From Dad's perspective, breaking the trust is emotionally hard to deal with. If my daughter had done this, I could understand why he is still suffering. Remember, in his mind, he is trying to get over this, but he just can't (yet).

What do you suggest? Should I and DD stay quiet until he cools off? I don’t know how long it will take though? I can tolerate him. It just hard for DD to see her pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Because of the snow, the school is closed again today. DD is ready to take the bus and be out of the house now. I’ve tried to explain to him at least give her phone when she is out, so we know her where abouts. He said no. She can figure out how to get home if there is an after school activity. I’m used to his behavior. But it’s hard to watch how is he treating his own DD. Last night she came to me crying that he is still mad at her and doesn’t say he loves her anymore, why he hates her so much etc… I wanted to all of us have a talk together but I don’t know what to say and how to say. Because I know he won’t give me a chance to say what I want. If I look back, he’s been always a hard to communicate and emotionally abusive

OP, this is a make or break moment. This is a hill to die on. Give him the article above to read. Make an appointment for counseling today. Tell him he is being cruel. He doesn’t have to respond but he does have to listen to you hear how his actions are destroying this family. Sixteen year olds make mistakes. And then everyone moves on. He doesn’t get to hold everyone hostage with his silent treatment. Personally I would entertain ending a marriage where someone did this to me or my kid.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely did this when I was 14 but never got caught. I did it because my mom didn’t like my friend and I couldn’t otherwise hang out with her. She was the most fun friend I ever had as a kid. Why did your DD feel she couldn’t just get permission to hang with her friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From Dad's perspective, breaking the trust is emotionally hard to deal with. If my daughter had done this, I could understand why he is still suffering. Remember, in his mind, he is trying to get over this, but he just can't (yet).

What do you suggest? Should I and DD stay quiet until he cools off? I don’t know how long it will take though? I can tolerate him. It just hard for DD to see her pain.

I'd find a time to calmly to tell him your DD has learned her lessons and that you are concerned about her suffering. Deep inside he wants to forgive, forget, and move on. I am sure he is not enjoying seeing DD suffer but remember we men are dumb and emotionally immature. I don't think he is being a jerk. He sees trust as something that holds your family members together and, to him, it can be traumatic. Easy to break but hard to rebuild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From Dad's perspective, breaking the trust is emotionally hard to deal with. If my daughter had done this, I could understand why he is still suffering. Remember, in his mind, he is trying to get over this, but he just can't (yet).

What do you suggest? Should I and DD stay quiet until he cools off? I don’t know how long it will take though? I can tolerate him. It just hard for DD to see her pain.

Tell him to leave and come back when he is ready to deal with this like a mature adult. He doesn’t get to do this. When he is ready to talk and rejoin the family, he can return. He can stay in a hotel. If he won’t leave, I would seriously consider taking my daughter and leaving. Go to a hotel or a friend’s house. He needs to see how harmful this behavior is. You can offer him a way out by helping him talk with her and letting her know how hurt he felt. But he has to say that and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being a jackass, and you need to step in. Giving the silent treatment is emotionally abusive. Your kid paid her penalty. That’s it. For him to stay silent for another week is immature and hurtful. He’s continuing to punish her. It’s mean.

Step in now. Read this together. Your daughter needs you to get him to stop this.
https://www.fatherly.com/life/the-silent-treatment-marriage-advice?utm_source=google&utm_medium=halyard&utm_campaign=h_fa_00026&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=21540137457&gbraid=0AAAAAqxUEyU_h15Iq6alK93LLOj25kS5l&gclid=CjwKCAiAs4HMBhBJEiwACrfNZazkpxhpPFNgMeAVDDq-_sFVy_-Ljp1dGx-IYw84RGrxh6emhKUNSRoC4zoQAvD_BwE

This. Are you guys immigrants?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I will try to talk to him today. English is not my native language, if im upset or stressed I will lose the argument. I need to tell him that he needs to chill without making further difficulties for my DD.