DH is still mad at DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H just called my DD a brat, not in front of her, she was kind of being bratty but that isn’t okay. Its triggering to me and I expect better because my dad beat me a lot as a kid & teen, till I left for college, so any kind of harsh language isn’t ok.

You're too sensitive because of your past.

Calling your kid a brat behind her back to you, his wife, is not a big deal, especially if she is being bratty. Your DH shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because of your traumatic past.

Get some therapy. And I'm team OP.

I still don’t think it’s okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H just called my DD a brat, not in front of her, she was kind of being bratty but that isn’t okay. Its triggering to me and I expect better because my dad beat me a lot as a kid & teen, till I left for college, so any kind of harsh language isn’t ok.

You're too sensitive because of your past.

Calling your kid a brat behind her back to you, his wife, is not a big deal, especially if she is being bratty. Your DH shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because of your traumatic past.

Get some therapy. And I'm team OP.

I still don’t think it’s okay.

And to add DD is only 9. We do have older tween/teen boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H just called my DD a brat, not in front of her, she was kind of being bratty but that isn’t okay. Its triggering to me and I expect better because my dad beat me a lot as a kid & teen, till I left for college, so any kind of harsh language isn’t ok.

You're too sensitive because of your past.

Calling your kid a brat behind her back to you, his wife, is not a big deal, especially if she is being bratty. Your DH shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because of your traumatic past.

Get some therapy. And I'm team OP.

+1 Agree

I understand, though — experiencing trauma can affect rational thinking. My dad was also very physical, and I remember the last time he hit me, in the late 90s. I was 19 years old, responsible, a young adult, and engaged, home from college over Thanksgiving break my sophomore year. I came in late, unlocked the door, and woke him up — he had been asleep on the couch and was drunk. He came storming as I was walking up the stairs, grabbed me by my hair, dragged me down the stairs, and started beating me with his hands. Then he took off his belt and hit me with it. It went on for about ten minutes. I ended up with a sprained wrist, a black eye, a busted lip, and could barely walk or sit for about a week afterward due to the welts and bruises.
Even though this wasn’t something my siblings and I experienced often — maybe a few times a year — it wasn’t good for us, so I can’t imagine the effects of it happening more frequently. That said, PP, DH calling DD a brat behind her back is really nothing. All I can say is yes to seeking professional help — it can make a world of difference and help your kids become well-adjusted adults. Mine are 16–25, happy and full of life, and had/have amazing childhoods, thanks to our emotionally healthy parenting.
Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband problem.

That husband of yours is mean. Does he treat you as such as well?

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking the phone away should have a timeline. A week? 2 weeks? And then you stick to that. That is the punishment, no?

Anything more than that is wrong. You don't continue to punish. The damage he is creating (and you by allowing it) will stay with her forever. She may actually be too afraid to reach out when a real emergency happens.

+1

[Anonymous]

There shouldn't be tension, punishment is enough.

[Anonymous]

Family therapy

[Anonymous]

My DH does this.

When my oldest was 10, DH started this behavior with him and I looking back a decade, I wish I’d had a crystal ball to see how many times he did it after that and that I had recognized how emotionally immature it was, and put my foot down.

But I didn’t, every time it happened I instead told my *son* to try harder, to please Dad. I wish I had said if it happened again, we are out of here. But I didn’t and I have such regrets.

[Anonymous]

Is he being silent because otherwise his instinct is to yell? Was it a one time thing that he is upset about or a lot of little things? Sometimes it is hard for parents to recognize things that make them feel angry and reconcile that with their perception of how easy their kids have it. And then they forget that these are kids. he can put some questions into chatgpt and try to get some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From Dad's perspective, breaking the trust is emotionally hard to deal with. If my daughter had done this, I could understand why he is still suffering. Remember, in his mind, he is trying to get over this, but he just can't (yet).

This is not an excuse. He MUST "get over this." He is the adult here. "Trying to get over this" doesn't cut it.

He must recognize that she is a teen and is still learning. And, OP, tell him to look at the mistakes he's made in his life (numerous, I'm sure) and the understanding and grace he was given then.

If she does this again, that's another issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From Dad's perspective, breaking the trust is emotionally hard to deal with. If my daughter had done this, I could understand why he is still suffering. Remember, in his mind, he is trying to get over this, but he just can't (yet).

This is not an excuse. He MUST "get over this." He is the adult here. "Trying to get over this" doesn't cut it.

He must recognize that she is a teen and is still learning. And, OP, tell him to look at the mistakes he's made in his life (numerous, I'm sure) and the understanding and grace he was given then.

If she does this again, that's another issue.

Not making an excuse, just trying to explain what's in guy's head. Women see these things as an "event", the DH sees this as a failure in raising kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is 13. But there’s generally no tension after the first 15-30 mins.
She had all electronics taken away last Weds thru this morning. She was using an old device to sneaky watch utube and chat to friends at night when I thought she was sleeping and got caught. I took the device ( an old phone) her phone and tablet, told her they were gone until Monday and told her to write me an essay on the effects lack of sleep can have on the mind and body including if you have adhd, which she has.
There was no tension, we acted normally for the 4 days. She didnt ask for them back or shine about it because there was no point.

I had to read this twice to make sure I hadn’t written it! Literally my 13 yo did exactly the same thing - same consequences - including the writing the paper on lack of sleep esp bc of adhd!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he being silent because otherwise his instinct is to yell? Was it a one time thing that he is upset about or a lot of little things? Sometimes it is hard for parents to recognize things that make them feel angry and reconcile that with their perception of how easy their kids have it. And then they forget that these are kids. he can put some questions into chatgpt and try to get some perspective.

No, he doesn’t yell or get physical. But his words can be hurtful. From this incident I’ve realized that I’m used to his silent treatment and I also give him back too. But for DD it was hard. She understands his feelings but at the same time wishes that he didn’t get upset too long with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DD is a good student. She does gymnastics all year long and also doing school gymnastics for this season. Started to work part time during school year. DH was too harsh on her saying that she broke the trust and he has a hard time believing her. He shut her off without listening to her apology. Since then he is being too mean. I took her out with me to run errands the other day and grab some take out to eat. He blamed me that I’m being too soft on her. According to him she should eat food at home and suffer more. I don’t want that. I’m tired of his strictness. She is already stressed and feeling that she wants to graduate HS and be out of the house. He doesn’t realize it’s damaging. If I try to explain to him, he won’t listen. It’s no point of getting into arguments.

The bolded description is going to be the type of guy she finds. Is she a people pleaser? He needs to apologize to her too and explain how his actions were messed up before she normalizes this. Or at least you can

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Before giving him the apology note she wrote, asked how long is the punishment is going to be? He replied not till the end of the school year for driving our car. I asked him about the silent treatment. Then we got into a verbal fight. Recap the conversation: I’m the one who gives him the silent treatment, I have no concern about his health or his mom who is currently in the care center, I don’t throw away recycle items, I don’t put shoes away from the entry way, I’m lazy…I told him you made me lazy bc anytime I clean he said stop cleaning, relax don’t do anything. I don’t respect his wishes… actually I’m the one who does all chores at home, throwing away all the crap he collects. basically whatever I do I’m not good enough. Then he said he will leave and I have to pay phone, electricity bills when I said that I’m not happy and our family relationship is so dysfunctional. I didn’t respond to his word bc I was about to get into work call. Then he went to my dd room. They’ve talked. DD told him she was sorry… Since then we haven’t talked. He is out to take my ds to the sport practice. I took my dd to her practice. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. Whatever happens I will make it fine. It’s not like I’m sitting home doing nothing. I work, I pay bills, groceries too. I clean, cook. I don’t ask for expensive handbags or mani pedi allowance like other friends of mine do to their dh. He doesn’t have much friends. He’s retired. He’s not an easy person to live with, I realized.

Yikes. What a miserable life.

You could leave and just... be happy, y'know? You don't have to live like a monk on eggshells in your own home.