single income family/ SAHM major disadvantage

[Anonymous]

Sometimes just being a generally pleasant warm body is “contribution” enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM to law partner husband.

The thing is, my DH and I also both believed in both partners contributing financially and domestically (and we met when we were teens). But by the time he was making 3M+ a year, my 200K income was not contributing. It just wasn’t. So it’s a weird thing, to feel like I ought to be contributing financially, and I’m educated and accomplished, but I literally can’t.

My career became more like a hobby - and one I frankly didn’t like all that much. I still dabble part time so I can pick things up when the kids are older, but no question the only way for me to feel like contribute was to devote more of my time to family tasks. If I contributed 200K a year I wouldn’t be stopping us from being “dependent” on one income. If his income changes drastically, our lifestyle will change drastically (though we’d be ok).

Anyway just throwing that out there. Sometimes not working, even with school aged kids, IS the best way to contribute.

Just to be clear, you ARE working. You just aren’t getting paid for it. Anytime you feel otherwise, go over to the parenting forum and read the posts inquiring how much you should pay a live in nanny who, in addition to taking care of the kids, also: cooks, cleans, takes care of the house etc etc etc. You’ll find that you’re actually a unicorn who should be getting paid $200k.

Roll your eyes all you want. That number came from working moms on this very forum pricing out what this work would cost if you hired someone else to do it. Rolling your eyes just makes you look defensive or like you can’t afford it.

Some before and after care, a house cleaner, and sahp quality meals would not in any way equal to 200k.

If you believe that then you are dumb. I am a SAHM and I have always had house cleaner, part time chef, lawnmower man, (and I pay to get my snow shoveled) and my DH also cooks - when I was working and when I stayed at home. What I contribute is priceless.

I am manager, strategist, planner, investor, therapist, counselor, publicist, rainmaker for the family in most aspects of our lives.

You keep telling yourself that if that is what you need to get through the day.

And ps - if you actually did have the $$ you say you have, you wouldn't be calling him a lawnmower man!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 60yr old. Been a SAHM for 2 decades. When I left my job to stay at home, DH and I made sure that I would never have to go back to work in any situation (divorce, death, disability, disaster, unemployment) for our lifetimes.

My DH and family see me as the biggest strength of our family. DH and I, wanted our family to be happy, healthy, intact, secure, well educated, successful, financially comfortable while also being self-fulfilled. We have time for our hobbies, causes and passion, we are able to support our extended family and we have a great social life.
And when we see how successful we have been in this because a college educated parent had the luxury to stay home and oversee this...it's priceless.

The stability and support structure of our family means that we are also a support for my adult children and their young families. This is true luxury and the returns for all my hardwork has been manifold and generational.

Speaking for myself only -

Is there a financial disadvantage of having a SAHM? If you are well-off, well-educated, can live/save on one income, and have remedies in place to combat adverse financial situations - then there is no disadvantage except not having double income.

What is the financial advantage of having a SAHM? If you are well-off, well educated and know how to leverage your time and brain to serve your family - you can help yourself and your family become happy and successful.

Breaking news, sahm doesn’t understand what financial advantage means 🙄

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

Eh everyone is different and what works for some people doesn’t work for others. You know theory of mind and all that. I think the bigger piece here is that it sounds like she makes enough money where even if the spouse is making $1M+, you miss the income when it’s gone. Worth noting the younger generations are much more focused on FAT FIRE / coast FIRE and all that jazz and losing $200-300K year even if you’re making $1M or whatever hurts those goals.

She’s fine with working, but wants to focus on kids (4 minimum), and with that many kids working full time would be challenging for her, she isn’t avoiding working at all and could work part-time. She wastes zero time with guys that aren’t for her, and she’s still very young, ambitious, and is fully into her goals including becoming a wife of a doctor, she’s used to the prestige.

We raised her to chase her goals and dreams, and she worked hard in school and college. She’s an adult now, so that means we’re not going to stop her from making her own career choices, whether that means being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. That’s entirely up to her. We let her decide. I don’t get the stigma against SAHM. My kid is financially set for life, and can always get right back into a career if needed, or can stay home too (whether married or not).

You need to focus on your own life. You’re meddling big time and should let your child forge her own path in life. Also she might have one child and decide she isn’t up for more kids. The fact you’re an adult and don’t realize this suggests you’re emotionally immature and enmeshed.

And no, once you stay home you can’t necessarily “get right back into a career.” Yes you can likely find a job, but you can be penalized majorly for stepping out of the workforce.

You can be penalized, but that doesn’t mean you *will* be penalized. If you exhibit the traits that are wanted, then you’ll get back into your career quickly. Most older people lack the relentless drive and hunger to work that young people do, but that doesn’t mean everyone is this way. If you’re one of those that genuinely wants to get back into the game, you’ll get back in.

A woman who’s only goal is “marry someone of X profession and pop out 4+ kids” does not sound like she has “relentless drive and hunger” to work LOL. Is this satire? It’s getting even more absurd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

Eh everyone is different and what works for some people doesn’t work for others. You know theory of mind and all that. I think the bigger piece here is that it sounds like she makes enough money where even if the spouse is making $1M+, you miss the income when it’s gone. Worth noting the younger generations are much more focused on FAT FIRE / coast FIRE and all that jazz and losing $200-300K year even if you’re making $1M or whatever hurts those goals.

She’s fine with working, but wants to focus on kids (4 minimum), and with that many kids working full time would be challenging for her, she isn’t avoiding working at all and could work part-time. She wastes zero time with guys that aren’t for her, and she’s still very young, ambitious, and is fully into her goals including becoming a wife of a doctor, she’s used to the prestige.

We raised her to chase her goals and dreams, and she worked hard in school and college. She’s an adult now, so that means we’re not going to stop her from making her own career choices, whether that means being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. That’s entirely up to her. We let her decide. I don’t get the stigma against SAHM. My kid is financially set for life, and can always get right back into a career if needed, or can stay home too (whether married or not).

Imagine writing this and feeling proud of your parenting and your child. What a disgusting mindset. I feel bad for whatever sucker she ends up baby trapping.

Calm down, PP is a troll. No one aspires to be a ‘wife of a doctor’ these days!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes just being a generally pleasant warm body is “contribution” enough.

The men who only want a pleasant warm body are the first to cheat. Anyone can be a pleasant warm body. If he doesn’t love and respect you for YOU, there is nothing keeping him to stay with YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Funny, I know a Yale engineer who is a SAHM married to a doctor. She does a lot of PTO/team parent and competitive CrossFit. Seems like a good gig.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Bigger issue is that 55% of med school students are women...and that keeps trending higher every year. I assume the med school women are also interested in marrying doctors.

Does your daughter bring a ton of family money to the table? I know people with Ivy degrees that become SAHMs but only after it's clear their spouse has basically made it (made MD at an IBank or law firm partner or equivalent).

Should she be aiming for med students or complete doctors? She'll be 24 in March.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

Eh everyone is different and what works for some people doesn’t work for others. You know theory of mind and all that. I think the bigger piece here is that it sounds like she makes enough money where even if the spouse is making $1M+, you miss the income when it’s gone. Worth noting the younger generations are much more focused on FAT FIRE / coast FIRE and all that jazz and losing $200-300K year even if you’re making $1M or whatever hurts those goals.

She’s fine with working, but wants to focus on kids (4 minimum), and with that many kids working full time would be challenging for her, she isn’t avoiding working at all and could work part-time. She wastes zero time with guys that aren’t for her, and she’s still very young, ambitious, and is fully into her goals including becoming a wife of a doctor, she’s used to the prestige.

We raised her to chase her goals and dreams, and she worked hard in school and college. She’s an adult now, so that means we’re not going to stop her from making her own career choices, whether that means being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. That’s entirely up to her. We let her decide. I don’t get the stigma against SAHM. My kid is financially set for life, and can always get right back into a career if needed, or can stay home too (whether married or not).

Imagine writing this and feeling proud of your parenting and your child. What a disgusting mindset. I feel bad for whatever sucker she ends up baby trapping.

Sorry you feel that way. She can make her own choices.

[Anonymous]

You can be a law partner and a SAHM, just not at the same time. Ask me how I know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

Eh everyone is different and what works for some people doesn’t work for others. You know theory of mind and all that. I think the bigger piece here is that it sounds like she makes enough money where even if the spouse is making $1M+, you miss the income when it’s gone. Worth noting the younger generations are much more focused on FAT FIRE / coast FIRE and all that jazz and losing $200-300K year even if you’re making $1M or whatever hurts those goals.

She’s fine with working, but wants to focus on kids (4 minimum), and with that many kids working full time would be challenging for her, she isn’t avoiding working at all and could work part-time. She wastes zero time with guys that aren’t for her, and she’s still very young, ambitious, and is fully into her goals including becoming a wife of a doctor, she’s used to the prestige.

We raised her to chase her goals and dreams, and she worked hard in school and college. She’s an adult now, so that means we’re not going to stop her from making her own career choices, whether that means being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. That’s entirely up to her. We let her decide. I don’t get the stigma against SAHM. My kid is financially set for life, and can always get right back into a career if needed, or can stay home too (whether married or not).

Imagine writing this and feeling proud of your parenting and your child. What a disgusting mindset. I feel bad for whatever sucker she ends up baby trapping.

Calm down, PP is a troll. No one aspires to be a ‘wife of a doctor’ these days!

This. Except for some specialties, it’s impossible to cross $1M and comp is stagnating and mid-levels are ruining a bunch of stuff and it doesn’t look good long-term. Everyone I know who went into medicine the past 10 years regrets it as their big tech peers make multiples way earlier.

[Anonymous]

Yup. My cousin who is a big lawyer married a surgeon who believe that my cousin need to stay home and not working. The FIL/MIL agree that women should be SAHM. Well, my cousin quitted her job before they even had their first child, and they are happily married with 3 children. My cousin said that if her background was not a lawyer, the other families may not approve their marriage anc accept her as DIL because they would not have been at the same level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM to law partner husband.

The thing is, my DH and I also both believed in both partners contributing financially and domestically (and we met when we were teens). But by the time he was making 3M+ a year, my 200K income was not contributing. It just wasn’t. So it’s a weird thing, to feel like I ought to be contributing financially, and I’m educated and accomplished, but I literally can’t.

My career became more like a hobby - and one I frankly didn’t like all that much. I still dabble part time so I can pick things up when the kids are older, but no question the only way for me to feel like contribute was to devote more of my time to family tasks. If I contributed 200K a year I wouldn’t be stopping us from being “dependent” on one income. If his income changes drastically, our lifestyle will change drastically (though we’d be ok).

Anyway just throwing that out there. Sometimes not working, even with school aged kids, IS the best way to contribute.

Just to be clear, you ARE working. You just aren’t getting paid for it. Anytime you feel otherwise, go over to the parenting forum and read the posts inquiring how much you should pay a live in nanny who, in addition to taking care of the kids, also: cooks, cleans, takes care of the house etc etc etc. You’ll find that you’re actually a unicorn who should be getting paid $200k.

Roll your eyes all you want. That number came from working moms on this very forum pricing out what this work would cost if you hired someone else to do it. Rolling your eyes just makes you look defensive or like you can’t afford it.

Some before and after care, a house cleaner, and sahp quality meals would not in any way equal to 200k.

It’s close. We are pretty frugal but with summer time and kids not starting school until 5 yo, and needing before and after care you are looking at a full time nanny really for at least ten years to replicate what a sahm does- around DC that’s around 60K. Not to mention maternity leave, daily cleaning with laundry, and fresh dinner weekday delivery would be looking another 50-60k.

I work only part time so we outsource some but not all of that. It’s actually less efficient and more expensive (-45K) because it’s harder to find part time child care than full time and you cycle through more providers which takes a lot of management time. I’m lucky I have telework or it wouldn’t be worth the hassle. I also like spending after school time with my kids and their friends’ parents so I actually have some idea of what their life at school is like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even in well paying jobs, I’ve noticed that the men with SAHMs notice the men with the same jobs but who have wives who work have less pressure and more income and are envious especially if the spouse has good enough hours they do a lot of the SAHM duties.

So they want a sahm who does all the work for them so they can focus on their job but then would really like that wife to have a decent paying job as well?

A real man appreciates their spouse who stays home and runs the house or a spouse who works but the man then pulls his weight as well. Cannot have it both ways

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even in well paying jobs, I’ve noticed that the men with SAHMs notice the men with the same jobs but who have wives who work have less pressure and more income and are envious especially if the spouse has good enough hours they do a lot of the SAHM duties.

Being the sole breadwinner is quite stressful. Makes sense.

But it's much easier to advance at work and much less stressful if you never have to worry about the kids or anything at the house. You go further than the guy who has to take the day off for sick kids or leave MWF at 5:30pm to do daycare pickup