single income family/ SAHM major disadvantage

[Anonymous]

There are two camps.

If you’re in the SAHM middle class camp, it is probably more comfortable to stay around others in the same camp. Everyone will be frugal, feel privileged to stay at home, support their working spouse (usually the husband), and look a little tired and frazzled from being home with kids.

In 2-earner families, the vibe is different. The moms usually look more professional but may be a little out of touch with the PTA or latest school stuff, they tend to have more organized activities instead of play dates.

I was a SAHM before my divorce and am working now so I see both camps and have been in both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even in well paying jobs, I’ve noticed that the men with SAHMs notice the men with the same jobs but who have wives who work have less pressure and more income and are envious especially if the spouse has good enough hours they do a lot of the SAHM duties.

In dual income homes that have good HHI, most of the menial labor gets hired out. So neither person has to do it. You can throw money at things that neither wants to do and also hire help to make life really manageable. Dual incomes in higher brackets aren't coming home and cleaning or even cooking if they don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

There are still lots of traditional gender role guys out there, she could look more in the south. Not sure why she wants to marry a doctor - as long as she marries someone with similar gender role values who makes enough for her to stay home and do the domestic labor, she is set. I am sure if she posts on her profile about wanting to be a trad wife, she will get lots of replies. Assuming she has taken the time to learn the domestic skills she needs to be sure she is a good trad wife.

She believes that doctors make good husbands. She’s smart & knows what she wants so I don’t try to get in the way of or shatter her dreams.

Male doctors make some of the worst spouses.

[Anonymous]

We both work and I make $250 and DH about $150. It would we way easier if one person made that combined HHI. The one not working could do more at home, shuttle to activities etc. As it is, we split shift and each do some activity driving and it's exhausting but still fun. We only had 2 kids. Couldn't do it with 3 and it would be much easier with just 1. Infant and toddler years were the easiest as we had a nanny and nothing except dinner in the evenings. When DH travels, need more help and thankfully my parents come and help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

There are still lots of traditional gender role guys out there, she could look more in the south. Not sure why she wants to marry a doctor - as long as she marries someone with similar gender role values who makes enough for her to stay home and do the domestic labor, she is set. I am sure if she posts on her profile about wanting to be a trad wife, she will get lots of replies. Assuming she has taken the time to learn the domestic skills she needs to be sure she is a good trad wife.

She believes that doctors make good husbands. She’s smart & knows what she wants so I don’t try to get in the way of or shatter her dreams.

Doctors is a broad term. And being a doctor on its own doesn't make anyone a good spouse. She is an adult so time she starts thinking like one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We both work and I make $250 and DH about $150. It would we way easier if one person made that combined HHI. The one not working could do more at home, shuttle to activities etc. As it is, we split shift and each do some activity driving and it's exhausting but still fun. We only had 2 kids. Couldn't do it with 3 and it would be much easier with just 1. Infant and toddler years were the easiest as we had a nanny and nothing except dinner in the evenings. When DH travels, need more help and thankfully my parents come and help

Sounds like your jobs aren’t that flexible. There are families that make 400k with two work at home flexible incomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

There are still lots of traditional gender role guys out there, she could look more in the south. Not sure why she wants to marry a doctor - as long as she marries someone with similar gender role values who makes enough for her to stay home and do the domestic labor, she is set. I am sure if she posts on her profile about wanting to be a trad wife, she will get lots of replies. Assuming she has taken the time to learn the domestic skills she needs to be sure she is a good trad wife.

She believes that doctors make good husbands. She’s smart & knows what she wants so I don’t try to get in the way of or shatter her dreams.

Male doctors make some of the worst spouses.

I have worked in hospitals for 30 years. There are both male and female doctors that are great people and spouses and there are male and female doctors that are horrible people and likely horrible spouses - and lots in between. It definitely isn't determined by sex.

[Anonymous]

I’m the person in the dual sales couple. DH and I both work from home, and we don’t use aftercare because our kids get out of school after 4 pm. We’re extremely lucky. I realize I lucked out in my choice of partner and career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two camps.

If you’re in the SAHM middle class camp, it is probably more comfortable to stay around others in the same camp. Everyone will be frugal, feel privileged to stay at home, support their working spouse (usually the husband), and look a little tired and frazzled from being home with kids.

In 2-earner families, the vibe is different. The moms usually look more professional but may be a little out of touch with the PTA or latest school stuff, they tend to have more organized activities instead of play dates.

I was a SAHM before my divorce and am working now so I see both camps and have been in both.

The type A working moms with flexible jobs are running the pta.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both work and I make $250 and DH about $150. It would we way easier if one person made that combined HHI. The one not working could do more at home, shuttle to activities etc. As it is, we split shift and each do some activity driving and it's exhausting but still fun. We only had 2 kids. Couldn't do it with 3 and it would be much easier with just 1. Infant and toddler years were the easiest as we had a nanny and nothing except dinner in the evenings. When DH travels, need more help and thankfully my parents come and help

Sounds like your jobs aren’t that flexible. There are families that make 400k with two work at home flexible incomes.

l would think that’s pretty uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two camps.

If you’re in the SAHM middle class camp, it is probably more comfortable to stay around others in the same camp. Everyone will be frugal, feel privileged to stay at home, support their working spouse (usually the husband), and look a little tired and frazzled from being home with kids.

In 2-earner families, the vibe is different. The moms usually look more professional but may be a little out of touch with the PTA or latest school stuff, they tend to have more organized activities instead of play dates.

I was a SAHM before my divorce and am working now so I see both camps and have been in both.

The type A working moms with flexible jobs are running the pta.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in awe of my classmates from college and medical school. Many of them are now partners at law firms married to a physician or another high level professional. I guess jobs now are more flexible as some have over 3 kids. I’m estimating their joint incomes to be 500-800k across the board. Growing up, it seemed that being a SAHM with high earner dad was high status/ privileged but now it’s having now having a mom as a law partner / dad surgeon with tons of money in your 529k. I bet this means that young men now are looking to marry someone who can put them into that next tax bracket vs sometime we can care for the kids.

It still is, but I think what you define as a “high earner” isn’t actually a high earner in this area. I’m not sure what you define as “status” but the dad’s I know making $800k+ married to SAHMs definitely have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in awe of my classmates from college and medical school. Many of them are now partners at law firms married to a physician or another high level professional. I guess jobs now are more flexible as some have over 3 kids. I’m estimating their joint incomes to be 500-800k across the board. Growing up, it seemed that being a SAHM with high earner dad was high status/ privileged but now it’s having now having a mom as a law partner / dad surgeon with tons of money in your 529k. I bet this means that young men now are looking to marry someone who can put them into that next tax bracket vs sometime we can care for the kids.

It still is, but I think what you define as a “high earner” isn’t actually a high earner in this area. I’m not sure what you define as “status” but the dad’s I know making $800k+ married to SAHMs definitely have it.

The recent SAHM thread showed (most?) had spouses making $1M+ and many $2-3M+ - it basically turned into a big law partner spouse thread

[Anonymous]

She believes that doctors make good husbands. She’s smart & knows what she wants so I don’t try to get in the way of or shatter her dreams.

Bizarre to equate a profession with quality of parenting. Your DD sounds like she has a lot of maturing to do, so maybe you should “get in the way” and challenge her assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.