single income family/ SAHM major disadvantage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM to law partner husband.

The thing is, my DH and I also both believed in both partners contributing financially and domestically (and we met when we were teens). But by the time he was making 3M+ a year, my 200K income was not contributing. It just wasn’t. So it’s a weird thing, to feel like I ought to be contributing financially, and I’m educated and accomplished, but I literally can’t.

My career became more like a hobby - and one I frankly didn’t like all that much. I still dabble part time so I can pick things up when the kids are older, but no question the only way for me to feel like contribute was to devote more of my time to family tasks. If I contributed 200K a year I wouldn’t be stopping us from being “dependent” on one income. If his income changes drastically, our lifestyle will change drastically (though we’d be ok).

Anyway just throwing that out there. Sometimes not working, even with school aged kids, IS the best way to contribute.

Just to be clear, you ARE working. You just aren’t getting paid for it. Anytime you feel otherwise, go over to the parenting forum and read the posts inquiring how much you should pay a live in nanny who, in addition to taking care of the kids, also: cooks, cleans, takes care of the house etc etc etc. You’ll find that you’re actually a unicorn who should be getting paid $200k.

Roll your eyes all you want. That number came from working moms on this very forum pricing out what this work would cost if you hired someone else to do it. Rolling your eyes just makes you look defensive or like you can’t afford it.

Some before and after care, a house cleaner, and sahp quality meals would not in any way equal to 200k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a gen z son, recent college grad who landed a great job, but lives at home while he invests al his income he would otherwise spend on housing/commute/ utilities (we live 2 miles from his job). He is adamant that he only marries someone who put their education to work and earns an income. I think this generation (z) is acutely aware that it’s unrealistic in today’s economy to not have all hands on deck when raising a family.

+1 The tables have turned and young women are far more educated and career driven than young men.

For the typical Gen Z guy, a woman is part on their plan. Couldn’t make it on their own, especially in this financial climate.

[Anonymous]

I know a woman who married a doctor (well he was a med student when they met but he became a doctor). He is a surgeon and makes great money. The thing is that the drive he has as a perfectionist at work is a personality trait and he is also driven to be the best at the sport he does too. They have four kids but he is barely home. Between work and training, basically the kids and family just follow him around to sports events to spend time with him. Yes, this is what she signed up for. He is exactly the same as he was when they met - he has always been an athlete and very focused and determined. And yes, she loves the luxuries of life and the beautiful home and the sunny vacations but even with the shiny things, her life is kind of mundane and boring. I know she regrets stepping completely out of her professional life - lunching at the tennis clubs gets old too. But it was what she wanted and she went after it and has it. She doesn't really complain because it is the life she chose but it isn't all that amazing of a life outside of Instagram.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who married a doctor (well he was a med student when they met but he became a doctor). He is a surgeon and makes great money. The thing is that the drive he has as a perfectionist at work is a personality trait and he is also driven to be the best at the sport he does too. They have four kids but he is barely home. Between work and training, basically the kids and family just follow him around to sports events to spend time with him. Yes, this is what she signed up for. He is exactly the same as he was when they met - he has always been an athlete and very focused and determined. And yes, she loves the luxuries of life and the beautiful home and the sunny vacations but even with the shiny things, her life is kind of mundane and boring. I know she regrets stepping completely out of her professional life - lunching at the tennis clubs gets old too. But it was what she wanted and she went after it and has it. She doesn't really complain because it is the life she chose but it isn't all that amazing of a life outside of Instagram.

So why doesn’t she get a job? What’s stopping her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

Eh everyone is different and what works for some people doesn’t work for others. You know theory of mind and all that. I think the bigger piece here is that it sounds like she makes enough money where even if the spouse is making $1M+, you miss the income when it’s gone. Worth noting the younger generations are much more focused on FAT FIRE / coast FIRE and all that jazz and losing $200-300K year even if you’re making $1M or whatever hurts those goals.

She’s fine with working, but wants to focus on kids (4 minimum), and with that many kids working full time would be challenging for her, she isn’t avoiding working at all and could work part-time. She wastes zero time with guys that aren’t for her, and she’s still very young, ambitious, and is fully into her goals including becoming a wife of a doctor, she’s used to the prestige.

We raised her to chase her goals and dreams, and she worked hard in school and college. She’s an adult now, so that means we’re not going to stop her from making her own career choices, whether that means being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. That’s entirely up to her. We let her decide. I don’t get the stigma against SAHM. My kid is financially set for life, and can always get right back into a career if needed, or can stay home too (whether married or not).

You need to focus on your own life. You’re meddling big time and should let your child forge her own path in life. Also she might have one child and decide she isn’t up for more kids. The fact you’re an adult and don’t realize this suggests you’re emotionally immature and enmeshed.

And no, once you stay home you can’t necessarily “get right back into a career.” Yes you can likely find a job, but you can be penalized majorly for stepping out of the workforce.

You can be penalized, but that doesn’t mean you *will* be penalized. If you exhibit the traits that are wanted, then you’ll get back into your career quickly. Most older people lack the relentless drive and hunger to work that young people do, but that doesn’t mean everyone is this way. If you’re one of those that genuinely wants to get back into the game, you’ll get back in.

[Anonymous]

the narrative certainly changed once you said she is set for life and doesn't have to work. if that is the case, then she can marry whoever, doctor not necessary. i think marrying a doctor would not necessarily be the best choice in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM to law partner husband.

The thing is, my DH and I also both believed in both partners contributing financially and domestically (and we met when we were teens). But by the time he was making 3M+ a year, my 200K income was not contributing. It just wasn’t. So it’s a weird thing, to feel like I ought to be contributing financially, and I’m educated and accomplished, but I literally can’t.

My career became more like a hobby - and one I frankly didn’t like all that much. I still dabble part time so I can pick things up when the kids are older, but no question the only way for me to feel like contribute was to devote more of my time to family tasks. If I contributed 200K a year I wouldn’t be stopping us from being “dependent” on one income. If his income changes drastically, our lifestyle will change drastically (though we’d be ok).

Anyway just throwing that out there. Sometimes not working, even with school aged kids, IS the best way to contribute.

How old were you when you stopped working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who married a doctor (well he was a med student when they met but he became a doctor). He is a surgeon and makes great money. The thing is that the drive he has as a perfectionist at work is a personality trait and he is also driven to be the best at the sport he does too. They have four kids but he is barely home. Between work and training, basically the kids and family just follow him around to sports events to spend time with him. Yes, this is what she signed up for. He is exactly the same as he was when they met - he has always been an athlete and very focused and determined. And yes, she loves the luxuries of life and the beautiful home and the sunny vacations but even with the shiny things, her life is kind of mundane and boring. I know she regrets stepping completely out of her professional life - lunching at the tennis clubs gets old too. But it was what she wanted and she went after it and has it. She doesn't really complain because it is the life she chose but it isn't all that amazing of a life outside of Instagram.

So why doesn’t she get a job? What’s stopping her?

She was a paramedic when they met. Not something she can just step back into. And she last worked more than 15 years ago. I highly doubt she actually wants to go back to work, she has just realized that a man being the plan isn't as great as it seemed when she was young.

[Anonymous]

You assume a lot about people’s lives that doesn’t bear out statistically or even if you knew them well. Doctors tend to not accumulate wealth due to huge student loans and lifestyle competition. They feel pressured to join the country club and buy the Audi. They are mostly in debt to their eyeballs. Lawyers have less debt but feel pressure to get the McMansion to host clients to make partner. Meanwhile many teachers have strong pensions, drive a Camry, spend all summer with their kids instead of hiring Nannies, and many of them retire as millionaires.

It just depends on what YOU want out of life. I have an Ivy degree but work part time and have an accountant husband. This has been a good compromise for me. We have three kids and I enjoy spending their out of school time with them. We paid off our house and steadily fund the 529’s. Yes they will attend state schools for college and our modest house is in a exurb (with a great school pyramid) but I have no regrets about choosing this path. I do have friends who are driven to make partner, ski in France every year, send their kids to privates and that’s ok too. But don’t assume that life doesn’t have its own pitfalls. Don’t try to be someone you think more men will be attracted to, you will be miserable if you are not true to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It cuts both way. I have a HYP classmate who chose to be a stay at home mom her whole life and dedicated her time to tiger parenting her kids. Now her kids both go to ivies and because her husband is a government worker, I assume they don’t pay a penny in tuition because their HHI is under 200k unlike rich parents who will pay 90k/year.

I'm guessing they don't have a sizeable retirement nest egg.

Also, big state schools don't give out much aid, so your kid would be limited to private schools that are willing to shell out $$$.

LOL. I am a SAHM and we were able to afford college and my kids also got full tuition in merit scholarship. The fact is that being able to afford college is a flex for most families that need two incomes for it. We were able to do this because of what DH earns, as well as the fact that my kids were high performers and got the merit money. We have since converted their college fund to Roths in their name.

I think my flex remains that my kids are super smart, well adjusted, secure, happy kids, who are also very successful and meeting all the life milestones. And my being at home and putting in the work played a significant part.

But, in reality, I have seen broke-ass people and dysfunctional families in all sorts of employment situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Yes they only group who has it all is men.

[Anonymous]

I'm a lawyer married to an engineer and it's also about giving both of us work/life balance. Neither of us has to be aggressive about the 80 hr/week jobs (we both make good incomes but for instance I work more flexible job that isn't partner money). Had I been a SAHM husband probably would have to work more. This way we both get to spend tons of time with our kids. My granddad was a lawyer and my Dad basically never saw him. My husband gets to coach little league.

[Anonymous]

Mind your own business, people.

Why do people care so much about what others do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM to law partner husband.

The thing is, my DH and I also both believed in both partners contributing financially and domestically (and we met when we were teens). But by the time he was making 3M+ a year, my 200K income was not contributing. It just wasn’t. So it’s a weird thing, to feel like I ought to be contributing financially, and I’m educated and accomplished, but I literally can’t.

My career became more like a hobby - and one I frankly didn’t like all that much. I still dabble part time so I can pick things up when the kids are older, but no question the only way for me to feel like contribute was to devote more of my time to family tasks. If I contributed 200K a year I wouldn’t be stopping us from being “dependent” on one income. If his income changes drastically, our lifestyle will change drastically (though we’d be ok).

Anyway just throwing that out there. Sometimes not working, even with school aged kids, IS the best way to contribute.

Just to be clear, you ARE working. You just aren’t getting paid for it. Anytime you feel otherwise, go over to the parenting forum and read the posts inquiring how much you should pay a live in nanny who, in addition to taking care of the kids, also: cooks, cleans, takes care of the house etc etc etc. You’ll find that you’re actually a unicorn who should be getting paid $200k.

Roll your eyes all you want. That number came from working moms on this very forum pricing out what this work would cost if you hired someone else to do it. Rolling your eyes just makes you look defensive or like you can’t afford it.

Some before and after care, a house cleaner, and sahp quality meals would not in any way equal to 200k.

If you believe that then you are dumb. I am a SAHM and I have always had house cleaner, part time chef, lawnmower man, (and I pay to get my snow shoveled) and my DH also cooks - when I was working and when I stayed at home. What I contribute is priceless.

I am manager, strategist, planner, investor, therapist, counselor, publicist, rainmaker for the family in most aspects of our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

Eh everyone is different and what works for some people doesn’t work for others. You know theory of mind and all that. I think the bigger piece here is that it sounds like she makes enough money where even if the spouse is making $1M+, you miss the income when it’s gone. Worth noting the younger generations are much more focused on FAT FIRE / coast FIRE and all that jazz and losing $200-300K year even if you’re making $1M or whatever hurts those goals.

She’s fine with working, but wants to focus on kids (4 minimum), and with that many kids working full time would be challenging for her, she isn’t avoiding working at all and could work part-time. She wastes zero time with guys that aren’t for her, and she’s still very young, ambitious, and is fully into her goals including becoming a wife of a doctor, she’s used to the prestige.

We raised her to chase her goals and dreams, and she worked hard in school and college. She’s an adult now, so that means we’re not going to stop her from making her own career choices, whether that means being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. That’s entirely up to her. We let her decide. I don’t get the stigma against SAHM. My kid is financially set for life, and can always get right back into a career if needed, or can stay home too (whether married or not).

Imagine writing this and feeling proud of your parenting and your child. What a disgusting mindset. I feel bad for whatever sucker she ends up baby trapping.