single income family/ SAHM major disadvantage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

Eh everyone is different and what works for some people doesn’t work for others. You know theory of mind and all that. I think the bigger piece here is that it sounds like she makes enough money where even if the spouse is making $1M+, you miss the income when it’s gone. Worth noting the younger generations are much more focused on FAT FIRE / coast FIRE and all that jazz and losing $200-300K year even if you’re making $1M or whatever hurts those goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

+1

A man is not a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

Eh everyone is different and what works for some people doesn’t work for others. You know theory of mind and all that. I think the bigger piece here is that it sounds like she makes enough money where even if the spouse is making $1M+, you miss the income when it’s gone. Worth noting the younger generations are much more focused on FAT FIRE / coast FIRE and all that jazz and losing $200-300K year even if you’re making $1M or whatever hurts those goals.

She’s fine with working, but wants to focus on kids (4 minimum), and with that many kids working full time would be challenging for her, she isn’t avoiding working at all and could work part-time. She wastes zero time with guys that aren’t for her, and she’s still very young, ambitious, and is fully into her goals including becoming a wife of a doctor, she’s used to the prestige.

We raised her to chase her goals and dreams, and she worked hard in school and college. She’s an adult now, so that means we’re not going to stop her from making her own career choices, whether that means being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. That’s entirely up to her. We let her decide. I don’t get the stigma against SAHM. My kid is financially set for life, and can always get right back into a career if needed, or can stay home too (whether married or not).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two sales incomes here. Having two working spouses in sales allows us to dial up and dial down effort to focus on family as needed and also allows us to take more risks.

tow sales family here as well! My SH spent many year chasing IPOs and The bear RSU packages He has this luxury because my accounts are i’m very stable and I make a consistent 375-425 each year without fail. He has has some total busts and once hit that jackpot that was financially life changing. No way would he have been able to do that if I didn’t have that steady income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two camps.

If you’re in the SAHM middle class camp, it is probably more comfortable to stay around others in the same camp. Everyone will be frugal, feel privileged to stay at home, support their working spouse (usually the husband), and look a little tired and frazzled from being home with kids.

In 2-earner families, the vibe is different. The moms usually look more professional but may be a little out of touch with the PTA or latest school stuff, they tend to have more organized activities instead of play dates.

I was a SAHM before my divorce and am working now so I see both camps and have been in both.

The type A working moms with flexible jobs are running the pta.

Isn’t this the truth! I have one in college and one in high school and in high school it is SO SO SO hard to get parent participation and it’s probably 80% working parents dedicating their time.

[Anonymous]

I have a gen z son, recent college grad who landed a great job, but lives at home while he invests al his income he would otherwise spend on housing/commute/ utilities (we live 2 miles from his job). He is adamant that he only marries someone who put their education to work and earns an income. I think this generation (z) is acutely aware that it’s unrealistic in today’s economy to not have all hands on deck when raising a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It cuts both way. I have a HYP classmate who chose to be a stay at home mom her whole life and dedicated her time to tiger parenting her kids. Now her kids both go to ivies and because her husband is a government worker, I assume they don’t pay a penny in tuition because their HHI is under 200k unlike rich parents who will pay 90k/year.

SAHM here. Kid goes to Harvard and we are full pay. We were saving for grad school and expected DC to attend undergrad on merit scholarship — which they received a full ride. Now cash flowing Harvard so it can be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two camps.

If you’re in the SAHM middle class camp, it is probably more comfortable to stay around others in the same camp. Everyone will be frugal, feel privileged to stay at home, support their working spouse (usually the husband), and look a little tired and frazzled from being home with kids.

In 2-earner families, the vibe is different. The moms usually look more professional but may be a little out of touch with the PTA or latest school stuff, they tend to have more organized activities instead of play dates.

I was a SAHM before my divorce and am working now so I see both camps and have been in both.

The type A working moms with flexible jobs are running the pta.

Isn’t this the truth! I have one in college and one in high school and in high school it is SO SO SO hard to get parent participation and it’s probably 80% working parents dedicating their time.

So they can put it on their resume?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two camps.

If you’re in the SAHM middle class camp, it is probably more comfortable to stay around others in the same camp. Everyone will be frugal, feel privileged to stay at home, support their working spouse (usually the husband), and look a little tired and frazzled from being home with kids.

In 2-earner families, the vibe is different. The moms usually look more professional but may be a little out of touch with the PTA or latest school stuff, they tend to have more organized activities instead of play dates.

I was a SAHM before my divorce and am working now so I see both camps and have been in both.

The type A working moms with flexible jobs are running the pta.

Isn’t this the truth! I have one in college and one in high school and in high school it is SO SO SO hard to get parent participation and it’s probably 80% working parents dedicating their time.

So they can put it on their resume?

huh? who is “they” and what are they putting on their resume? Or did you respond to the wrong thread? highly confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in awe of my classmates from college and medical school. Many of them are now partners at law firms married to a physician or another high level professional. I guess jobs now are more flexible as some have over 3 kids. I’m estimating their joint incomes to be 500-800k across the board. Growing up, it seemed that being a SAHM with high earner dad was high status/ privileged but now it’s having now having a mom as a law partner / dad surgeon with tons of money in your 529k. I bet this means that young men now are looking to marry someone who can put them into that next tax bracket vs sometime we can care for the kids.

It still is, but I think what you define as a “high earner” isn’t actually a high earner in this area. I’m not sure what you define as “status” but the dad’s I know making $800k+ married to SAHMs definitely have it.

Yes, the SAHM is still high status. Incomes are higher though. High earning men with SAHM and 3+ kids in private school requires an income of 800K+. DH earns 2-3m. I stopped working to focus on the kids when he was earning around 800k.

[Anonymous]

I am envious of dual working couples, especially dr/att or two attorneys as those HHI numbers double and they have income to set up trusts or have more homes, but there is a palpable level of stress from some and I think its hard to generalize or glamorize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

Eh everyone is different and what works for some people doesn’t work for others. You know theory of mind and all that. I think the bigger piece here is that it sounds like she makes enough money where even if the spouse is making $1M+, you miss the income when it’s gone. Worth noting the younger generations are much more focused on FAT FIRE / coast FIRE and all that jazz and losing $200-300K year even if you’re making $1M or whatever hurts those goals.

She’s fine with working, but wants to focus on kids (4 minimum), and with that many kids working full time would be challenging for her, she isn’t avoiding working at all and could work part-time. She wastes zero time with guys that aren’t for her, and she’s still very young, ambitious, and is fully into her goals including becoming a wife of a doctor, she’s used to the prestige.

We raised her to chase her goals and dreams, and she worked hard in school and college. She’s an adult now, so that means we’re not going to stop her from making her own career choices, whether that means being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. That’s entirely up to her. We let her decide. I don’t get the stigma against SAHM. My kid is financially set for life, and can always get right back into a career if needed, or can stay home too (whether married or not).

DP
That sounds amazing for her, to have that financial security. It makes me wonder if we all had that, how our choices would vary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, young men these days are all about "being a provider" so women can "be in their feminine" but they still expect you to work and pay 50%. It's a bizarre facade.

Sure is. My daughter wants to marry a doctor.. but is worried because a lot of doctors want to marry doctors/similar She graduated with an Engineering degree from Yale and makes good money, but wants to be a SAHM and raise a lot of kids, but there aren’t a lot of guys happy about that.

Imagine that. Men don’t want a loaf of a wife that doesn’t contribute financially. Your daughter can work and still be a mother.

Eh everyone is different and what works for some people doesn’t work for others. You know theory of mind and all that. I think the bigger piece here is that it sounds like she makes enough money where even if the spouse is making $1M+, you miss the income when it’s gone. Worth noting the younger generations are much more focused on FAT FIRE / coast FIRE and all that jazz and losing $200-300K year even if you’re making $1M or whatever hurts those goals.

She’s fine with working, but wants to focus on kids (4 minimum), and with that many kids working full time would be challenging for her, she isn’t avoiding working at all and could work part-time. She wastes zero time with guys that aren’t for her, and she’s still very young, ambitious, and is fully into her goals including becoming a wife of a doctor, she’s used to the prestige.

We raised her to chase her goals and dreams, and she worked hard in school and college. She’s an adult now, so that means we’re not going to stop her from making her own career choices, whether that means being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. That’s entirely up to her. We let her decide. I don’t get the stigma against SAHM. My kid is financially set for life, and can always get right back into a career if needed, or can stay home too (whether married or not).

I think people are negatively reacting to your fantasy land because we live life and that’s not how it works.

Are you saying she’s a trust fund baby and it doesn’t really matter never has been divorces her because you are gonna give her money.

An engineer out of work for five years has no idea what is going on because technology changes too quickly.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I’m friends with a lot of these dual couples and people aren’t that stressed. It actually seems like being a SAHM with a big law partner husband is more stressful. For example, my friend who is a law partner at a major firm (she has 3+ kids btw) and her husband is a surgeon has tons of help, feels valuable and sets boundaries at work. Her husband respects her work and she respected his work. There is no stress re what happens if someone loses their job. The SAHM with law partners seem to never see their partners and cater to their big earners whims to make sure they stay employed + do most of the childcare to rationalize their choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even in well paying jobs, I’ve noticed that the men with SAHMs notice the men with the same jobs but who have wives who work have less pressure and more income and are envious especially if the spouse has good enough hours they do a lot of the SAHM duties.

In dual income homes that have good HHI, most of the menial labor gets hired out. So neither person has to do it. You can throw money at things that neither wants to do and also hire help to make life really manageable. Dual incomes in higher brackets aren't coming home and cleaning or even cooking if they don't want to.

Sure but the women are still responsible for planning and managing all outsourcing.