Spouse’s ex moved back, rejoined friend circle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here’s the twist- I’m the ex that moved back.

Trying to give the wife the benefit of the doubt, I posted from her perspective. DH has agreed not to be around me after she gave him an ultimatum.

It’s created an uncomfortable air in our friend group, especially when trying to plan events.

I don't think this is that useful as an exercise because people naturally point out the flaws in OP's thinking. If you want to know the flaws in your own thinking, you need to post from your own perspective.

The thing is, you don't know what has happened in their relationship. I never had any sort of rules around my ex-husband, until he had an actual affair and begged me to stay. So I had simple rules like, "If you are alone one on one with a woman, you tell me." Guess what, he didn't tell me and had another affair. Now we're divorcing. He's still with his girlfriend, but he's bantering with me about what size bra I wear. He has zero boundaries or self-awareness and being married to him meant trying to protect myself in a rational way. But ultimately I knew, I cannot control it. I can trust myself to be OK no matter what happens. And I am. But that doesn't mean you want to throw away your marriage and your intact family unit because there was an obvious situation that posed a threat and you were just all, sure sure, why don't you become best friends with your ex and then act surprised when something happens.

I have a high school sweetheart who has sent me smoke signals over the years. He didn't marry until ten years after me, so his kids are really little. He's been ghosting me ever since I separated from my husband. I interpret that to mean . . . yes, there's danger there. And he felt like when I was married that was a line I wouldn't cross and he felt safer. And now he realizes he needs to protect his marriage. Because there's always been something between us and always will be.

As a woman I'll just say . . . don't make this a thing with his wife. He's an autonomous adult who is in a relationship with another adult, and that requires negotiation and compromise. If he is blaming his wife for his own choices, well, you get a little bit of a sense why their marriage is struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here’s the twist- I’m the ex that moved back.

Trying to give the wife the benefit of the doubt, I posted from her perspective. DH has agreed not to be around me after she gave him an ultimatum.

It’s created an uncomfortable air in our friend group, especially when trying to plan events.

I was the first reply, who said reasonable lol. How do you know your ex and wife are going through a rough patch? That already suggests you are too emotionally involved.

Look, you should attend any event you want. You certainly should not have to arrange your schedule around his wife being available to babsit. But if he sits out because of an arrangement he has with his wife, that's their business and it's not for you and your friend group to take a poll and say it s wrong.

x1000% why throw in the "rough patch" stuff in your fictitious post? Is that wishful thinking. Sounds like you are angling to be a problem for this married couple. You're now divorced and think your teenage love might be the one that got away?

Yes, OP, it does sound like you are enjoying this. You're saying oh it's making everything so awkward but you come across as giddy at the idea that your high school ex boyfriend still harbors some feelings for you and that you're making his wife uncomfortable. You also seem to have some serious main character syndrome. I suggest you grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t worry about who my spouse dated as a teen.

You should.

Of my married male friends that cheated, roughly 80% did it with their HS gfs during a rough patch in the marriage in their 30s.

That number sounds made-up. At best, you’re just generalizing from a handful of personal stories.

PP sounds like someone who lives in a small town. I mean, who is still hanging out with their high school girlfriends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it sexist for me to say that women are too jealous? If you have been married to someone for 10 years, any are you worried about an ex? I don't get it. Nothing is going to happen. She is an ex for a reason.

Well, when I thought the OP was who she portrayed herself to be, I thought she was crazy. But after the OP revealed her true identity, I understand the wife's concern. OP and husband are both inappropriate, at the very least.

OP.
I actually agree with the wife. The rest of our close friends do not, so they keep stirring the pot.
I wish ex-bf had kept his mouth shut.

You agree with the wife that you can't be trusted around her husband? WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what ages were they in a relationship? How long did it last?

Unless there has been cheating or some reason for concern, not reasonable. If you don't trust your spouse, you don't trust them but you can't control them and cut them off from friends unless you oversee their visits.

Teens. Approximately one year.
Ex decided to leave for school.

You sound completely insane. Are you always this jealous and controlling over nothing?

Wait, they weren't even adults. OP you need to chill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t worry about who my spouse dated as a teen.

You should.

Of my married male friends that cheated, roughly 80% did it with their HS gfs during a rough patch in the marriage in their 30s.

That number sounds made-up. At best, you’re just generalizing from a handful of personal stories.

PP sounds like someone who lives in a small town. I mean, who is still hanging out with their high school girlfriends?

That's me. I grew up in Georgetown and attended a local private school. A huge number of my HS friends have ended up back in DC because we are highly educated and in VIP roles mostly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what ages were they in a relationship? How long did it last?

Unless there has been cheating or some reason for concern, not reasonable. If you don't trust your spouse, you don't trust them but you can't control them and cut them off from friends unless you oversee their visits.

Teens. Approximately one year.
Ex decided to leave for school.

I thought this was a divorced spouse and they had a long history so I was thinking how hard this must be for you. Then you say this is someone he dated for a year in HS. You are ridiculous.

+1. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here’s the twist- I’m the ex that moved back.

Trying to give the wife the benefit of the doubt, I posted from her perspective. DH has agreed not to be around me after she gave him an ultimatum.

It’s created an uncomfortable air in our friend group, especially when trying to plan events.

Okay, you are nuts.

[Anonymous]

I think it is reasonable for you to ask your spouse to stop going to these events if his ex will be in attendance however whether or not he will do so is entirely up to him.

Since you are both going through a rough patch now I can see why this circumstance would feel problematic.

[Anonymous]

That level of insecurity must be a new low, even for you OP. they were dating for a year as teens.... and 10 years later you are so insecure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here’s the twist- I’m the ex that moved back.

Trying to give the wife the benefit of the doubt, I posted from her perspective. DH has agreed not to be around me after she gave him an ultimatum.

It’s created an uncomfortable air in our friend group, especially when trying to plan events.

I don't think this is that useful as an exercise because people naturally point out the flaws in OP's thinking. If you want to know the flaws in your own thinking, you need to post from your own perspective.

The thing is, you don't know what has happened in their relationship. I never had any sort of rules around my ex-husband, until he had an actual affair and begged me to stay. So I had simple rules like, "If you are alone one on one with a woman, you tell me." Guess what, he didn't tell me and had another affair. Now we're divorcing. He's still with his girlfriend, but he's bantering with me about what size bra I wear. He has zero boundaries or self-awareness and being married to him meant trying to protect myself in a rational way. But ultimately I knew, I cannot control it. I can trust myself to be OK no matter what happens. And I am. But that doesn't mean you want to throw away your marriage and your intact family unit because there was an obvious situation that posed a threat and you were just all, sure sure, why don't you become best friends with your ex and then act surprised when something happens.

I have a high school sweetheart who has sent me smoke signals over the years. He didn't marry until ten years after me, so his kids are really little. He's been ghosting me ever since I separated from my husband. I interpret that to mean . . . yes, there's danger there. And he felt like when I was married that was a line I wouldn't cross and he felt safer. And now he realizes he needs to protect his marriage. Because there's always been something between us and always will be.

As a woman I'll just say . . . don't make this a thing with his wife. He's an autonomous adult who is in a relationship with another adult, and that requires negotiation and compromise. If he is blaming his wife for his own choices, well, you get a little bit of a sense why their marriage is struggling.

Your whole post is smart and insightful. +1

[Anonymous]

You don’t even know this is true. This sounds like speculation from some third party that might just be a gossip/pot stirrer. You also have zero idea what is happening in their marriage. Just stop thinking about this. Go to events you are invited to and interested in. Stop worrying about anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you handle this situation?

Your spouse’s ex has moved back in town and is getting invited by mutual friends to group activities where your spouse will also be, sometimes without you. They were both part of a tight group of friends before you entered the picture. Since then, ex had fallen off the face of the earth.

They broke up over a decade ago because of the out-of-state move and never planning on moving back. Is it reasonable to ask spouse not to go out with the friend group when I’m not there? Relevant details: married 10+ years with kids and currently going through a rough patch.

Not reasonable. If he is going to cheat you can't stop him. Why do u assume ex wants him back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would you handle this situation?

Your spouse’s ex has moved back in town and is getting invited by mutual friends to group activities where your spouse will also be, sometimes without you. They were both part of a tight group of friends before you entered the picture. Since then, ex had fallen off the face of the earth.

They broke up over a decade ago because of the out-of-state move and never planning on moving back. Is it reasonable to ask spouse not to go out with the friend group when I’m not there? Relevant details: married 10+ years with kids and currently going through a rough patch.

Not reasonable. If he is going to cheat you can't stop him. Why do u assume ex wants him back?

Three marriages broke up within a year among the attendees of my 25-year high school reunion, all for their former classmates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t worry about who my spouse dated as a teen.

You should.

Of my married male friends that cheated, roughly 80% did it with their HS gfs during a rough patch in the marriage in their 30s.

That number sounds made-up. At best, you’re just generalizing from a handful of personal stories.

PP sounds like someone who lives in a small town. I mean, who is still hanging out with their high school girlfriends?

That's me. I grew up in Georgetown and attended a local private school. A huge number of my HS friends have ended up back in DC because we are highly educated and in VIP roles mostly.

So how much did Justice Kavanaugh like beer way back when.