Reply to Spouse’s ex moved back, rejoined friend circle

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Here’s the twist-  I’m the ex that moved back.

Trying to give the wife the benefit of the doubt, I posted from her perspective. DH has agreed not to be around me after she gave him an ultimatum.

It’s created an uncomfortable air in our friend group, especially when trying to plan events.  [/quote]

I don't think this is that useful as an exercise because people naturally point out the flaws in OP's thinking. If you want to know the flaws in your own thinking, you need to post from your own perspective.

The thing is, you don't know what has happened in their relationship. I never had any sort of rules around my ex-husband, until he had an actual affair and begged me to stay. So I had simple rules like, "If you are alone one on one with a woman, you tell me." Guess what, he didn't tell me and had another affair. Now we're divorcing. He's still with his girlfriend, but he's bantering with me about what size bra I wear. He has zero boundaries or self-awareness and being married to him meant trying to protect myself in a rational way. But ultimately I knew, I cannot control it. I can trust myself to be OK no matter what happens. And I am. But that doesn't mean you want to throw away your marriage and your intact family unit because there was an obvious situation that posed a threat and you were just all, sure sure, why don't you become best friends with your ex and then act surprised when something happens.

I have a high school sweetheart who has sent me smoke signals over the years. He didn't marry until ten years after me, so his kids are really little. He's been ghosting me ever since I separated from my husband. I interpret that to mean . . . yes, there's danger there. And he felt like when I was married that was a line I wouldn't cross and he felt safer. And now he realizes he needs to protect his marriage. Because there's always been something between us and always will be.

As a woman I'll just say . . . don't make this a thing with his wife. He's an autonomous adult who is in a relationship with another adult, and that requires negotiation and compromise. If he is blaming his wife for his own choices, well, you get a little bit of a sense why their marriage is struggling. [/quote]

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