My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(

[Anonymous]

I was sympathetic to the OP before... but the longer the thread gets, the more entitled and annoying the OP sounds. What exactly do you want from your parents? What is this "quality time" you're referring to (hate this expression)? It sounds that both sets of grandparents are immigrants and you married up, to a more wealthy family. It's very common for immigrant parents NOT to provide any financial help as they're from way poorer countries. They way family life is structured here is completely different: the money spend on kids' activities would be unheard of elsewhere. We're also immigrants (from 2 different countries) and we don't even tell our parents what we spend as they'd be speechless. They're certainly NOT contributing anything. As far as Americans being selfish: it's common (more common than not) for our generation of parents to be selfish, including immigrant parents. The wealth increase after the WWs was so huge (not just in the US) that they thought everybody can and should manage themselves. A lot of family closeness throughout history was due to necessity. With money came the desire to control, which is why the old family system went belly-up (before the elders deferred decision making to their adult children as soon as possible -- good luck with that now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is me and my husband (my parents are great, his useless).

You need to stop seeing the big difference between as making the problem bigger. You're phrasing this like it'd be better if they all were useless, cause at least it'd be fair and you wouldn't be as angry? But that's crazy. Stop comparing.

Your in-laws are amazing grandparents. That's FABULOUS. You've won the in-law lottery. Embrace it! Embrace them! Heck, my husband just took two of our kids to go see my parents at their house WITHOUT ME. Lean in! How wonderful for your kids, how wonderful for you. No but. Full stop.

Your parents aren't involve grandparents. Okay. A bummer, sure, but people are different. They're not going to help. You should set boundaries and clear expectations so they don't make things worse, and enjoy whatever visits or whatever they do give. it's okay to be disappointed, and even to express that disappointment (once!). But then you need to work on letting it go. Not everyone is cut out to be a fab grandparent. They're visiting sometimes? They're not actively undermining your parenting? You don't feel obligated to financially support them? Then frankly, they are right in the meaty part of the curve for grandparenting. Keep your expectations low, enjoy what you can, try and let go of the anger.

+1. I think if one set is fabulous and the other isn't actively making life worse (for example, making bad financial decisions after you tell them it's a bad idea and then expecting you to fix it- this is one real example from my life, and I have many more), then you won the LOTTERY.

Enjoy your parents in small doses and let the rest go.

They also have no retirement savings and are terrible with money.

I guess you have permission to not help them in the future with end-of-life care, though I still would take the high road.

[Anonymous]

You are not entitled to help from anyone. That's unrealistic.

Consider yourself extremely lucky that your inlaws are happy to help. The universe has been kind to you. Appreciate what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was sympathetic to the OP before... but the longer the thread gets, the more entitled and annoying the OP sounds. What exactly do you want from your parents? What is this "quality time" you're referring to (hate this expression)? It sounds that both sets of grandparents are immigrants and you married up, to a more wealthy family. It's very common for immigrant parents NOT to provide any financial help as they're from way poorer countries. They way family life is structured here is completely different: the money spend on kids' activities would be unheard of elsewhere. We're also immigrants (from 2 different countries) and we don't even tell our parents what we spend as they'd be speechless. They're certainly NOT contributing anything. As far as Americans being selfish: it's common (more common than not) for our generation of parents to be selfish, including immigrant parents. The wealth increase after the WWs was so huge (not just in the US) that they thought everybody can and should manage themselves. A lot of family closeness throughout history was due to necessity. With money came the desire to control, which is why the old family system went belly-up (before the elders deferred decision making to their adult children as soon as possible -- good luck with that now).

Money
Free childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well that's better than having both sets of grandparents suck. Count your blessings.

How about four sets? As Both of are parents are remarried.
We don't care..Our kids are adults and thriving.

[Anonymous]

our^

[Anonymous]

Yep, I also have to conclude that OP's so-called "quality time" is money and free childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, I also have to conclude that OP's so-called "quality time" is money and free childcare.

I’m not expecting money and would never ask them for money. They don’t have any. I am just frustrated that treat visiting the grandkids like going to the zoo rather than actually spending time with them. They basically take pictures and leave, they don’t even eat dinner with us and the grandkids when they visit. My in-laws even spend hours cooking and very nice meals and they are not even polite enough to eat the food ny husbands parents cook. They just go our to eat by themselves and then come back later whenever they feel like taking more photos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, I also have to conclude that OP's so-called "quality time" is money and free childcare.

I’m not expecting money and would never ask them for money. They don’t have any. I am just frustrated that treat visiting the grandkids like going to the zoo rather than actually spending time with them. They basically take pictures and leave, they don’t even eat dinner with us and the grandkids when they visit. My in-laws even spend hours cooking and very nice meals and they are not even polite enough to eat the food ny husbands parents cook. They just go our to eat by themselves and then come back later whenever they feel like taking more photos.

They stay at my house, don't help with grandkids or even at least spend time with them. Then they go out to restaurants when we (my in laws) cooked nice meal at the house. They basically want to pretend like they are great grandparents but are not willing to bear even the slightest incovenice to (eg. Holding kids for 5 minutes or changing diapers while we are in work meetings and they are staying at our house).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You are not entitled to help from anyone. That's unrealistic.

Consider yourself extremely lucky that your inlaws are happy to help. The universe has been kind to you. Appreciate what you have.

I didn't say I was entitled to help I'm just disappointed that my parent suck and treat the grandkids like zoo animals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, I also have to conclude that OP's so-called "quality time" is money and free childcare.

I’m not expecting money and would never ask them for money. They don’t have any. I am just frustrated that treat visiting the grandkids like going to the zoo rather than actually spending time with them. They basically take pictures and leave, they don’t even eat dinner with us and the grandkids when they visit. My in-laws even spend hours cooking and very nice meals and they are not even polite enough to eat the food ny husbands parents cook. They just go our to eat by themselves and then come back later whenever they feel like taking more photos.

They are your guests. You shouldn't expect a guest to cook and clean up after you. You should be doing it for them. You are a user.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, I also have to conclude that OP's so-called "quality time" is money and free childcare.

I’m not expecting money and would never ask them for money. They don’t have any. I am just frustrated that treat visiting the grandkids like going to the zoo rather than actually spending time with them. They basically take pictures and leave, they don’t even eat dinner with us and the grandkids when they visit. My in-laws even spend hours cooking and very nice meals and they are not even polite enough to eat the food ny husbands parents cook. They just go our to eat by themselves and then come back later whenever they feel like taking more photos.

They stay at my house, don't help with grandkids or even at least spend time with them. Then they go out to restaurants when we (my in laws) cooked nice meal at the house. They basically want to pretend like they are great grandparents but are not willing to bear even the slightest incovenice to (eg. Holding kids for 5 minutes or changing diapers while we are in work meetings and they are staying at our house).

Not their responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need so much financial help

I don't need financial help, his parents are just insistent on providing help. They would be very upset if we did not accept it. We save 30%+ of our salary (not including retirement accounts). They don't let us pay for groceries, gave us a downpayment for our house, will pay off mortgage soon, put money in kids 529 accounts.

[Anonymous]

I think talking to your in laws and thanking them for being so great while subtly acknowledging that your parents suck can go a long way.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you need so much help from the grandparents. They are YOUR children = your responsibility. Grandparents are great for fill-in help, but only if they willing. Your in laws shouldn’t be commenting of your parents, but then again, maybe they are tired. Quit relying on them.