My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really struggling here because my parents suck, but the kids other set of grandparents are amazing. My in-laws are helping us with the grandkids every way possible and they constantly visiting to help take care of our kids. They absolutely adore the grandkids, and provide significant financial support. They are willing to do anything to help us and support the grandkids. However, my parents are basically useless and they provide no help, but my parents are somehow
under the impression that they are great grandparents. They only come to visit for short trips and don’t actually help much with taking care of the kids. My parents basically just want pictures to show their friends. After my baby was born my dad booked a hotel that was no where near where I was staying, and only visited the kids for 3 hours over the weekend. He spent most of the time traveling, and he even mentioned he is actually going on a week long vacation immediately after visiting my kids. This made me very angry because he clearly doesn’t prioritize the grandkids at all. My mother is not much better and she basically comes to visit only to see them without actually considering when we need really help. This situation has been very frustrating because my side of family contributes almost nothing to help with the grandkids and my in-laws are absolutely amazing people. The in-laws are very nice to me, but they are quite annoyed that my family does not even try to be helpful. The in-laws have never explicitly told me this, but I can tell they dislike my parents. The worst part of this situation is I completely understand why they feel this way because I would also dislike my kids in-laws if they acted similarly to my parents. It’s honestly gotten to the point where I’m not sure if I want them to visit at all because it just makes me angry how much they suck as grandparents.

Way to bury the lede, OP

+ 1. You seem to want both financial and physical help from both sets of grandparents and that's unrealistic and entitled. Three hours to visit a newborn is plenty.

Most people that care about their newborn grandkids actually visit longer. Even the great grandparents visited for a whole week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not expect family whom I invite to visit me to cook or clean and I don't offer to clean or cook when invited to their homes. If you are incapable of taking care of your children or your house then hire help. If you can't afford help then get off your entitled derriere hand clean your own house and take care of your own children.

You don't clean up after yourself or offer to help with cooking/cleaning when you visit family? That's so weird to me. We always defer to our hosts on everything but we clean up after ourselves and always offer to help with meal prep and clean up. When we visit my parents or ILs, we also check in to see if there are other tasks we can help with, as often our parents have other issues they have been putting off or are unsure how to handle. I helped my MIL get out of a cell phone contract after they'd given her the run around on it. I helped my parents switch their car insurance. That kind of thing.

I cannot imagine visiting a family member and just expecting to be served and waited on. It's not a hotel! I also do our own laundry and make sure the rooms we are staying in are reasonable tidy with made beds and that kind of thing.

And on the flip side, if someone is visiting me, especially when my kids were very young and required constant supervision, you bet I assume that I can leave grandparents with the baby or a toddler while I work on dinner or catch up on some work. And I assume they will enjoy these interactions and not view them as "free babysitting" but an opportunity to bond one on one with their grandkids.

Some of you have deeeeeeply dysfunctional attitudes about family. It must be so miserable living that way.

So I don’t mean to take a side or disagree with you here, but as someone who can sympathize with the other side….
My family of origin is a lot like OP’s (except that they do want to spend a lot of time with grandkids!). DH’s family are wildly and incredibly helpful. I love them. But….
If you’ve been raised more like I was, it can be off putting if guests come in your kitchen to help clean up (example). It’s not necessarily a simple matter of expecting to be waited on someone else’s home; it’s actually more of a respect for a host’s space being theirs. I love my MIL but often wish she would get out of my kitchen when she’s at our house. On the flip side, I often feel uncomfortable helping out at other people’s houses (even when it is my goal because I want to please them!) because I don’t know where things go, etc.

All that said, not wanting to spend active time with grandkids is still weird to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really struggling here because my parents suck, but the kids other set of grandparents are amazing. My in-laws are helping us with the grandkids every way possible and they constantly visiting to help take care of our kids. They absolutely adore the grandkids, and provide significant financial support. They are willing to do anything to help us and support the grandkids. However, my parents are basically useless and they provide no help, but my parents are somehow
under the impression that they are great grandparents. They only come to visit for short trips and don’t actually help much with taking care of the kids. My parents basically just want pictures to show their friends. After my baby was born my dad booked a hotel that was no where near where I was staying, and only visited the kids for 3 hours over the weekend. He spent most of the time traveling, and he even mentioned he is actually going on a week long vacation immediately after visiting my kids. This made me very angry because he clearly doesn’t prioritize the grandkids at all. My mother is not much better and she basically comes to visit only to see them without actually considering when we need really help. This situation has been very frustrating because my side of family contributes almost nothing to help with the grandkids and my in-laws are absolutely amazing people. The in-laws are very nice to me, but they are quite annoyed that my family does not even try to be helpful. The in-laws have never explicitly told me this, but I can tell they dislike my parents. The worst part of this situation is I completely understand why they feel this way because I would also dislike my kids in-laws if they acted similarly to my parents. It’s honestly gotten to the point where I’m not sure if I want them to visit at all because it just makes me angry how much they suck as grandparents.

Way to bury the lede, OP

+ 1. You seem to want both financial and physical help from both sets of grandparents and that's unrealistic and entitled. Three hours to visit a newborn is plenty.

Most people that care about their newborn grandkids actually visit longer. Even the great grandparents visited for a whole week.

You have living great grandparents who travel? You must be extremely young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re a bad person. I’m excited for my parents to travel and have fun. It’s sad that you can’t say the same. You’re setting a truly awful precedent for your own kids. You are entitled, unpleasant and combative. Your doubling down in this thread and willful obtuseness has demonstrated that over and over. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your parents just want to limit time in your presence.

Because there aren't enough days in the year to do both? Why would there be mutually exclusive? I mean maybe if they have limited vacation days. I guess it depends on the person's circumstances. I think its weird they weren't there for the birth. Is this a follow up visit? Maybe that's why the beach is a bigger deal now? Summer is 4 months though and longer if you go to a beach that has good weather all year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws are completely out of line if they're judging your parents. That's rude. Providing help when you're a grandparent should not come with strings attached, like expectations that the other side will pitch in at a similar level.

I understand that you are disappointed in your parents, because you're their child and you had expectations. But ultimately your parents are free to live how they want. Similarly, you are free to tell them that they're not as present as your in-laws, and *you are also free to not help your parents when they're old and decrepit*.


So the parents raising op is meaningless? Unless they were terrible parents I wouldn't abandon them. Maybe they didn't get any help from their parents? Or expect op to be capable of providing for her kids? They do visit but do you really expect parents to do things you can do? Have you asked for help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really struggling here because my parents suck, but the kids other set of grandparents are amazing. My in-laws are helping us with the grandkids every way possible and they constantly visiting to help take care of our kids. They absolutely adore the grandkids, and provide significant financial support. They are willing to do anything to help us and support the grandkids. However, my parents are basically useless and they provide no help, but my parents are somehow
under the impression that they are great grandparents. They only come to visit for short trips and don’t actually help much with taking care of the kids. My parents basically just want pictures to show their friends. After my baby was born my dad booked a hotel that was no where near where I was staying, and only visited the kids for 3 hours over the weekend. He spent most of the time traveling, and he even mentioned he is actually going on a week long vacation immediately after visiting my kids. This made me very angry because he clearly doesn’t prioritize the grandkids at all. My mother is not much better and she basically comes to visit only to see them without actually considering when we need really help. This situation has been very frustrating because my side of family contributes almost nothing to help with the grandkids and my in-laws are absolutely amazing people. The in-laws are very nice to me, but they are quite annoyed that my family does not even try to be helpful. The in-laws have never explicitly told me this, but I can tell they dislike my parents. The worst part of this situation is I completely understand why they feel this way because I would also dislike my kids in-laws if they acted similarly to my parents. It’s honestly gotten to the point where I’m not sure if I want them to visit at all because it just makes me angry how much they suck as grandparents.

Way to bury the lede, OP

+ 1. You seem to want both financial and physical help from both sets of grandparents and that's unrealistic and entitled. Three hours to visit a newborn is plenty.

Most people that care about their newborn grandkids actually visit longer. Even the great grandparents visited for a whole week.

You have living great grandparents who travel? You must be extremely young.

Pp meant 'grandparents' who are great. Not great grandparents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really struggling here because my parents suck, but the kids other set of grandparents are amazing. My in-laws are helping us with the grandkids every way possible and they constantly visiting to help take care of our kids. They absolutely adore the grandkids, and provide significant financial support. They are willing to do anything to help us and support the grandkids. However, my parents are basically useless and they provide no help, but my parents are somehow
under the impression that they are great grandparents. They only come to visit for short trips and don’t actually help much with taking care of the kids. My parents basically just want pictures to show their friends. After my baby was born my dad booked a hotel that was no where near where I was staying, and only visited the kids for 3 hours over the weekend. He spent most of the time traveling, and he even mentioned he is actually going on a week long vacation immediately after visiting my kids. This made me very angry because he clearly doesn’t prioritize the grandkids at all. My mother is not much better and she basically comes to visit only to see them without actually considering when we need really help. This situation has been very frustrating because my side of family contributes almost nothing to help with the grandkids and my in-laws are absolutely amazing people. The in-laws are very nice to me, but they are quite annoyed that my family does not even try to be helpful. The in-laws have never explicitly told me this, but I can tell they dislike my parents. The worst part of this situation is I completely understand why they feel this way because I would also dislike my kids in-laws if they acted similarly to my parents. It’s honestly gotten to the point where I’m not sure if I want them to visit at all because it just makes me angry how much they suck as grandparents.

Way to bury the lede, OP

+ 1. You seem to want both financial and physical help from both sets of grandparents and that's unrealistic and entitled. Three hours to visit a newborn is plenty.

Most people that care about their newborn grandkids actually visit longer. Even the great grandparents visited for a whole week.

And then you get op complaining that their visits were too long and draining

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really struggling here because my parents suck, but the kids other set of grandparents are amazing. My in-laws are helping us with the grandkids every way possible and they constantly visiting to help take care of our kids. They absolutely adore the grandkids, and provide significant financial support. They are willing to do anything to help us and support the grandkids. However, my parents are basically useless and they provide no help, but my parents are somehow
under the impression that they are great grandparents. They only come to visit for short trips and don’t actually help much with taking care of the kids. My parents basically just want pictures to show their friends. After my baby was born my dad booked a hotel that was no where near where I was staying, and only visited the kids for 3 hours over the weekend. He spent most of the time traveling, and he even mentioned he is actually going on a week long vacation immediately after visiting my kids. This made me very angry because he clearly doesn’t prioritize the grandkids at all. My mother is not much better and she basically comes to visit only to see them without actually considering when we need really help. This situation has been very frustrating because my side of family contributes almost nothing to help with the grandkids and my in-laws are absolutely amazing people. The in-laws are very nice to me, but they are quite annoyed that my family does not even try to be helpful. The in-laws have never explicitly told me this, but I can tell they dislike my parents. The worst part of this situation is I completely understand why they feel this way because I would also dislike my kids in-laws if they acted similarly to my parents. It’s honestly gotten to the point where I’m not sure if I want them to visit at all because it just makes me angry how much they suck as grandparents.

Way to bury the lede, OP

+ 1. You seem to want both financial and physical help from both sets of grandparents and that's unrealistic and entitled. Three hours to visit a newborn is plenty.

Most people that care about their newborn grandkids actually visit longer. Even the great grandparents visited for a whole week.

And then you get op complaining that their visits were too long and draining

How many OPs have we seen where people are lying about due dates to prevent visitors? Wanting a house full of guests is the last thing some people want. The visitors will want food, entertainment, conversation, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a joke, entitled much???!! Let’s see you have kids, can’t afford them and get mad at your parents for not stepping in to help you take care of them. Is that right??

I can afford my kids and my finances are good. I’m frustrated that they don’t care about the grandkids. Visiting for only 2 hours after their grandkid is born then going on a vacation for a week shows that their priorities are messed up. The fact that people are defending this behavior is beyond ridiculous. They care more about going to the beach than meeting their grandkid. I wasn’t expecting them to help out, but you could at least spend a few days with your grandkid instead of prioritizing a beach trip over your own family.

When you were pregnant and you invited them to come and stay with you after the baby was born, what did they say?

My mother specifically did not come for the first week because she thought that the first week should be about the mother, father and the new baby. She felt they needed to learned how to become a family themselves. She and my dad came the next week. My first was my in-laws 9th grandchild and were burnt out at that point. They came the week after my parents.

My mom and dad had my sister and I with no help from grandparents. For some of us, it feels weird to expect people to show up the first week.

[Anonymous]

Since you're so focused on the newborn visit: most people don't have anyone coming and staying with them for a week/month, because it's the time for mom and dad to bond with the baby. Also most people don't want to host at that time, they're exhausted themselves and need to find a new family rhythm. It seems that you want someone to come and take care of you and the baby, doing nothing yourself. Were you a minor when you had your baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you're so focused on the newborn visit: most people don't have anyone coming and staying with them for a week/month, because it's the time for mom and dad to bond with the baby. Also most people don't want to host at that time, they're exhausted themselves and need to find a new family rhythm. It seems that you want someone to come and take care of you and the baby, doing nothing yourself. Were you a minor when you had your baby?

Not sure about your use of “most” in either instance. I don’t have strong feelings about OP’s situation, but you sure come off as disdaining moms with your last 2 sentences.

[Anonymous]

Well op you can let this be motivation for you. Make sure you are able to provide financially for your future grandkids and take a month off for each of their births

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well op you can let this be motivation for you. Make sure you are able to provide financially for your future grandkids and take a month off for each of their births

I was already going to do that. I will quit my job when grandkids are born if I haven’t retired already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well op you can let this be motivation for you. Make sure you are able to provide financially for your future grandkids and take a month off for each of their births

I was already going to do that. I will quit my job when grandkids are born if I haven’t retired already.

And hopefully your kids want that level of involvement. I certainly wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well op you can let this be motivation for you. Make sure you are able to provide financially for your future grandkids and take a month off for each of their births

I was already going to do that. I will quit my job when grandkids are born if I haven’t retired already.

If you are younger than 65 what will you do for healthcare? It's nice that you think you will be working as a hobby at that age. You won't.