My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biggest issue is your ILs judging your parents. That's not right. But I'm not sure if you just think they're judging them or if they have actually said of done anything. I think you just have to expect your parents to be the way they are. Your not going to change them. Just be thankful your in-laws are more involved and more helpful. I can't think of a lot of families that have two sets of involved grandparents.

I have no problem with them judging my parents. I am not upset about that. I’m judging my parents as well. I just feel bad for my ILs because it makes them sad that it seems like my family doesn’t care about the grandkids.

My brother is in a similar situation with his wife and their DD and now grandson. They demonize the other parents, but really they are enmeshed and really toxic. I can see why his parents don’t want to help out because of the toxic relationship with their DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.

I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.

It is almost worst because you have one set of grandparents who are over the top and one who sounds normal to me.

I would not hold this against your parents. They don’t have to do anything. They don’t. Visits are nice. They can love your kids and not give money.

I doubt your in-laws would thinkable badly if you didn’t.

Sorry you are unhappy - but your parents are fine. They aren’t doing anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Tbh if your parents don't have much money (no retirement savings, bad with spending), then why do you think they should support you/your kids? Be grateful that you don't have to support them! It's good to be self-sufficient by the time you have kids. You sound somewhat entitled and with unrealistic expectations. They probably don't visit much either because it costs money. Could be much worse, not just not supporting you, but requiring support themselves.

[Anonymous]

Hire a nanny. Grandparents aren’t babysitters unless they want to be. Grow up and stop being selfish and cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people want to be active in day to lives of their grandchildren and some want to be vacation and holiday grandparents. Both come with positives and negatives.

How many other grandchildren do your parents have and how many other grandchildren do your in-laws have?

They have zero other grandkids. I would completely understand if they were less involved because there are like a dozen grandkids, but they ate the only grandkids and my sibling will probably never have kids.

[Anonymous]

Well that's better than having both sets of grandparents suck. Count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Your in-laws need to butt out if what your parents are doing. They should feel happy they are clearly going to have stronger relationships with the grandkids as well as with you and DH.

Sorry your parents don’t do more. That’s how it is sometimes. Fwiw, my kid doesn’t have any grandparents and is sad about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Honestly, you sound very demanding, and I'm wondering whether your personality is playing into your parents holding you at arms' length. Maybe your in-laws believe your kids need the support, but your parents are just done.

This. OP sounds like a spoiled brat. Signed mother of 2, and not a MIL yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You’re messy OP. Stop over sharing with your in-laws.

They probably think their child married into a horrible family anyways.

Also, your parents aren’t obligated to help you with your kids.

Americans are so selfish. This is why I didn’t marry one. They feel no obligation to their family and don’t give a crap about their children or grandchildren. Everything is just about themselves.

So then why don’t you move to wherever you came from if Americans are so selfish. I’m not MAGA but if you don’t like it here then LEAVE. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

OP and her husband are Brokees.
Her parents aren't paying to play w her kids and she's annoyed..So she trashes them to her inlaws who swoop in.

The husbands family probably has more time and money to toss at and fund their poor financial choices.

OP is big mad her parents aren't clamoring to babysit

[Anonymous]

I’m in this situation as well, and the most mature thing I have seen is that my in laws never bad mouth or pass judgment on my parents. I’m sure they discuss it on the ride home. But they never do with me or my husband.

Just accept your parents as they are. It’s freeing. Of course, easier said than done. My parents expect to be catered to, don’t want to attend events, etc, but then seem annoyed when the in laws do put in that effort and annoyed that the kids are closer to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.

I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.

It is almost worst because you have one set of grandparents who are over the top and one who sounds normal to me.

I would not hold this against your parents. They don’t have to do anything. They don’t. Visits are nice. They can love your kids and not give money.

I doubt your in-laws would thinkable badly if you didn’t.

Sorry you are unhappy - but your parents are fine. They aren’t doing anything wrong.

I’m not expecting them to give me money, but they clearly don’t care about their grandkids grandkid or they would actually try to spend quality time with them occasionally rather than just visit for an hour to take photos for social media.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need so much financial help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You’re messy OP. Stop over sharing with your in-laws.

They probably think their child married into a horrible family anyways.

Also, your parents aren’t obligated to help you with your kids.

Americans are so selfish. This is why I didn’t marry one. They feel no obligation to their family and don’t give a crap about their children or grandchildren. Everything is just about themselves.

So then why don’t you move to wherever you came from if Americans are so selfish. I’m not MAGA but if you don’t like it here then LEAVE. Problem solved.

I'm American and I agree with the PP and think this is one of the things that is just broken about American culture. It is selfish and honestly shallow to care more about self into your old age than you do about your own kids and grandkids, and I also think it contributes to depression and is one of the reason so many older Americans are MAGA -- they've replaced healthy, close relationships with their own families with Fox News. They could be developing close relationships with their kids' kids, something that would keep them young and optimistic, but instead they joined a cult. It's sad.

I remember getting to college and grad school and meeting people who had close, respectful, valued relationships with their parents. Mostly from families of immigrants or where their immigrant culture remained strong even after immigrating to the US (like in many Jewish families, for instance). It was a revelation to me that it was even possible. And now over the last couple decades as we've all married and had kids, and I've been to their weddings and seen how their parents are with their kids, I can say it's also just better. Everyone is happier and more fulfilled. My parents were gleeful when their kids left home, made little to no effort to develop meaningful relationships with us as adults, and are hands off and uninvolved in our kids' lives. They are also depressed, resentful, and and lonely. Meanwhile we are stretched thin as parents and our kids are deprived of having more caring adults in their lives to help give them a sense of community and belonging (which we have recreated elsewhere with friends and neighbors, but it's not the same).

We'd all be happier and more fulfilled if American culture encouraged people to maintain and invest in family ties instead of just pursuing personal pleasure. It's a net negative for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need so much financial help

Right .. OP is avoiding that question.