My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re a bad person. I’m excited for my parents to travel and have fun. It’s sad that you can’t say the same. You’re setting a truly awful precedent for your own kids. You are entitled, unpleasant and combative. Your doubling down in this thread and willful obtuseness has demonstrated that over and over. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your parents just want to limit time in your presence.

Yes I’m a bad person for wanting my parents to be involved in the grandkids lives and not spend a few hours with 2-3x a year. If this is what American society has come to, I am seriously worried about the future of humanity.

Op, go back and read what you first wrote. Your problem is that your definition of “involved” is free childcare and financial support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re a bad person. I’m excited for my parents to travel and have fun. It’s sad that you can’t say the same. You’re setting a truly awful precedent for your own kids. You are entitled, unpleasant and combative. Your doubling down in this thread and willful obtuseness has demonstrated that over and over. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your parents just want to limit time in your presence.

Yes I’m a bad person for wanting my parents to be involved in the grandkids lives and not spend a few hours with 2-3x a year. If this is what American society has come to, I am seriously worried about the future of humanity.

Op, go back and read what you first wrote. Your problem is that your definition of “involved” is free childcare and financial support.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re a bad person. I’m excited for my parents to travel and have fun. It’s sad that you can’t say the same. You’re setting a truly awful precedent for your own kids. You are entitled, unpleasant and combative. Your doubling down in this thread and willful obtuseness has demonstrated that over and over. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your parents just want to limit time in your presence.

Yes I’m a bad person for wanting my parents to be involved in the grandkids lives and not spend a few hours with 2-3x a year. If this is what American society has come to, I am seriously worried about the future of humanity.

Op, go back and read what you first wrote. Your problem is that your definition of “involved” is free childcare and financial support.

I truly do not understand American families with money and time and this ultra leisure/ultra capitalist lifestyle being impacted by a few hours visit with family over the year. Really how much childcare and financial support is happening over a twice to four-year visit involvement?

What is happening to adult grandparents that they feel so threatened by being involved with family after their child becomes an adult? Is social media taking over their lives the same way it is teenagers? They can't miss a photo op to compete with others in their circle? Is that what drives them these days as well?

So strange that grandparents would think they would have no financial or caretaking involvement AT ALL after their grandchildren were born to the point where they are threatened by holding a baby for an hour. I can understand why people don't really have kids anymore. There is such conflicting messaging between parents and the workplace saying they want grandchildren and actually showing that they want grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re a bad person. I’m excited for my parents to travel and have fun. It’s sad that you can’t say the same. You’re setting a truly awful precedent for your own kids. You are entitled, unpleasant and combative. Your doubling down in this thread and willful obtuseness has demonstrated that over and over. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your parents just want to limit time in your presence.

Yes I’m a bad person for wanting my parents to be involved in the grandkids lives and not spend a few hours with 2-3x a year. If this is what American society has come to, I am seriously worried about the future of humanity.

Op, go back and read what you first wrote. Your problem is that your definition of “involved” is free childcare and financial support.

I truly do not understand American families with money and time and this ultra leisure/ultra capitalist lifestyle being impacted by a few hours visit with family over the year. Really how much childcare and financial support is happening over a twice to four-year visit involvement?

What is happening to adult grandparents that they feel so threatened by being involved with family after their child becomes an adult? Is social media taking over their lives the same way it is teenagers? They can't miss a photo op to compete with others in their circle? Is that what drives them these days as well?

So strange that grandparents would think they would have no financial or caretaking involvement AT ALL after their grandchildren were born to the point where they are threatened by holding a baby for an hour. I can understand why people don't really have kids anymore. There is such conflicting messaging between parents and the workplace saying they want grandchildren and actually showing that they want grandchildren.

If the caretaking and financial support are so important why weren't they discussed before having the baby? Set the expectations early. Say that you want X dollars and Y hours of unpaid childcare. Just lay it all out so everyone is on the same page with this transaction before it's too late.

[Anonymous]

Grandparents are humans who would like to retire and enjoy some of their golden years. They should not be expected to provide free child care or financial support. If they do, it’s a gift, not an obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents are humans who would like to retire and enjoy some of their golden years. They should not be expected to provide free child care or financial support. If they do, it’s a gift, not an obligation.

Thank you for admitting that you dont like children and find being with them in contrast to enjoying your golden years even for a couple of hours a year. Being with them is burdensome. Its obvious that Americans who think like you want to be anywhere except around family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents are humans who would like to retire and enjoy some of their golden years. They should not be expected to provide free child care or financial support. If they do, it’s a gift, not an obligation.

Thank you for admitting that you dont like children and find being with them in contrast to enjoying your golden years even for a couple of hours a year. Being with them is burdensome. Its obvious that Americans who think like you want to be anywhere except around family.

Are you not American?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re a bad person. I’m excited for my parents to travel and have fun. It’s sad that you can’t say the same. You’re setting a truly awful precedent for your own kids. You are entitled, unpleasant and combative. Your doubling down in this thread and willful obtuseness has demonstrated that over and over. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your parents just want to limit time in your presence.

Yes I’m a bad person for wanting my parents to be involved in the grandkids lives and not spend a few hours with 2-3x a year. If this is what American society has come to, I am seriously worried about the future of humanity.

Op, go back and read what you first wrote. Your problem is that your definition of “involved” is free childcare and financial support.

I truly do not understand American families with money and time and this ultra leisure/ultra capitalist lifestyle being impacted by a few hours visit with family over the year. Really how much childcare and financial support is happening over a twice to four-year visit involvement?

What is happening to adult grandparents that they feel so threatened by being involved with family after their child becomes an adult? Is social media taking over their lives the same way it is teenagers? They can't miss a photo op to compete with others in their circle? Is that what drives them these days as well?

So strange that grandparents would think they would have no financial or caretaking involvement AT ALL after their grandchildren were born to the point where they are threatened by holding a baby for an hour. I can understand why people don't really have kids anymore. There is such conflicting messaging between parents and the workplace saying they want grandchildren and actually showing that they want grandchildren.

If the caretaking and financial support are so important why weren't they discussed before having the baby? Set the expectations early. Say that you want X dollars and Y hours of unpaid childcare. Just lay it all out so everyone is on the same page with this transaction before it's too late.

In my case, our parents did say that they'd help (they're all local). They urged us to have kids and wanted to know why we were delaying and so we told them: our careers (that they encouraged us to prioritize), lack of childcare, lack of resources. And they said don't worry, you have so much support in the area! And then when the kids came it was radio silence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents are humans who would like to retire and enjoy some of their golden years. They should not be expected to provide free child care or financial support. If they do, it’s a gift, not an obligation.

Are kids not obligated to help their parents when they get old and senile? Is this also a “gift” and people should just treat their family members no differently than a random stranger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re a bad person. I’m excited for my parents to travel and have fun. It’s sad that you can’t say the same. You’re setting a truly awful precedent for your own kids. You are entitled, unpleasant and combative. Your doubling down in this thread and willful obtuseness has demonstrated that over and over. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your parents just want to limit time in your presence.

Yes I’m a bad person for wanting my parents to be involved in the grandkids lives and not spend a few hours with 2-3x a year. If this is what American society has come to, I am seriously worried about the future of humanity.

Op, go back and read what you first wrote. Your problem is that your definition of “involved” is free childcare and financial support.

I truly do not understand American families with money and time and this ultra leisure/ultra capitalist lifestyle being impacted by a few hours visit with family over the year. Really how much childcare and financial support is happening over a twice to four-year visit involvement?

What is happening to adult grandparents that they feel so threatened by being involved with family after their child becomes an adult? Is social media taking over their lives the same way it is teenagers? They can't miss a photo op to compete with others in their circle? Is that what drives them these days as well?

So strange that grandparents would think they would have no financial or caretaking involvement AT ALL after their grandchildren were born to the point where they are threatened by holding a baby for an hour. I can understand why people don't really have kids anymore. There is such conflicting messaging between parents and the workplace saying they want grandchildren and actually showing that they want grandchildren.

If the caretaking and financial support are so important why weren't they discussed before having the baby? Set the expectations early. Say that you want X dollars and Y hours of unpaid childcare. Just lay it all out so everyone is on the same page with this transaction before it's too late.

In my case, our parents did say that they'd help (they're all local). They urged us to have kids and wanted to know why we were delaying and so we told them: our careers (that they encouraged us to prioritize), lack of childcare, lack of resources. And they said don't worry, you have so much support in the area! And then when the kids came it was radio silence.

But did they make a firm promise or just vague “help”? At the end of the day your kids are your responsibility. If you though this was going to be a shared burden you weren’t ready to be a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents are humans who would like to retire and enjoy some of their golden years. They should not be expected to provide free child care or financial support. If they do, it’s a gift, not an obligation.

Thank you for admitting that you dont like children and find being with them in contrast to enjoying your golden years even for a couple of hours a year. Being with them is burdensome. Its obvious that Americans who think like you want to be anywhere except around family.

I’m not a grandparent. DH and I raised our kids who are now in college. We do t live near our parents and they visited a couple times a year. Some were still working in their careers when our kids were little so we didn’t expect them to use their own vacation time taking care of our kids. We appreciated the family time with them when they visited and didn’t expect them to take over for us when they were here. Only my MIL is still alive now and we cherish the family memories, not the free work they did for us.

[Anonymous]

So why don't you let us know where you're from, the non-American post writer??? In reality this is not how it works, at all. In cultures where grandparents helped with childrearing, they were provided shelter and food. It was mostly out of necessity. Nowadays, when people have the means, they want to live their own lives. Childrearing is hard work. Nobody wants to provide free labor (childrearing is a form of division of labor). Grandparents usually raise grandchildren when their kid had a child as a minor or when parents are incarcerated. Nowhere do the grandparents work, run their own household, and then on top of it finance and offer free labor to their offspring. This is why countries have maternity/paternity leaves. You literally get time off work to take care of your baby. Obviously, with women now having other opportunities than marriage, the number of children will drop, exactly because it's hard work. Nobody wants to take on childrearing in their retirement, nobody. And didn't OP's parents still work? You must think other people don't actually enjoy anything else in their life than working. OP's parents know their boundaries: they visited the baby and then went on vacation. This is normal. If you want somebody else to raise your kid, move them in they're willing (make an agreement) or pay for outside help. That said, women who are reluctant to take care of their own babies make crappy mothers and grandmothers. This talk how they will raise their grandchildren is just that... talk. They don't know how nor want to, because someone else has to always "help" them instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So why don't you let us know where you're from, the non-American post writer??? In reality this is not how it works, at all. In cultures where grandparents helped with childrearing, they were provided shelter and food. It was mostly out of necessity. Nowadays, when people have the means, they want to live their own lives. Childrearing is hard work. Nobody wants to provide free labor (childrearing is a form of division of labor). Grandparents usually raise grandchildren when their kid had a child as a minor or when parents are incarcerated. Nowhere do the grandparents work, run their own household, and then on top of it finance and offer free labor to their offspring. This is why countries have maternity/paternity leaves. You literally get time off work to take care of your baby. Obviously, with women now having other opportunities than marriage, the number of children will drop, exactly because it's hard work. Nobody wants to take on childrearing in their retirement, nobody. And didn't OP's parents still work? You must think other people don't actually enjoy anything else in their life than working. OP's parents know their boundaries: they visited the baby and then went on vacation. This is normal. If you want somebody else to raise your kid, move them in they're willing (make an agreement) or pay for outside help. That said, women who are reluctant to take care of their own babies make crappy mothers and grandmothers. This talk how they will raise their grandchildren is just that... talk. They don't know how nor want to, because someone else has to always "help" them instead.

Many a grandparent behaves differently than what you wrote. You are writing from one perspective only. The parents came over and weren't interested in even holding a baby while someone took a phone call and spent most of the time talking over the family about their other interests and ignoring the family's life. They aren't interested in the family other than photo ops and it shows. I understand why you relate to them. You are cut from the same cloth. We get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So why don't you let us know where you're from, the non-American post writer??? In reality this is not how it works, at all. In cultures where grandparents helped with childrearing, they were provided shelter and food. It was mostly out of necessity. Nowadays, when people have the means, they want to live their own lives. Childrearing is hard work. Nobody wants to provide free labor (childrearing is a form of division of labor). Grandparents usually raise grandchildren when their kid had a child as a minor or when parents are incarcerated. Nowhere do the grandparents work, run their own household, and then on top of it finance and offer free labor to their offspring. This is why countries have maternity/paternity leaves. You literally get time off work to take care of your baby. Obviously, with women now having other opportunities than marriage, the number of children will drop, exactly because it's hard work. Nobody wants to take on childrearing in their retirement, nobody. And didn't OP's parents still work? You must think other people don't actually enjoy anything else in their life than working. OP's parents know their boundaries: they visited the baby and then went on vacation. This is normal. If you want somebody else to raise your kid, move them in they're willing (make an agreement) or pay for outside help. That said, women who are reluctant to take care of their own babies make crappy mothers and grandmothers. This talk how they will raise their grandchildren is just that... talk. They don't know how nor want to, because someone else has to always "help" them instead.

Many a grandparent behaves differently than what you wrote. You are writing from one perspective only. The parents came over and weren't interested in even holding a baby while someone took a phone call and spent most of the time talking over the family about their other interests and ignoring the family's life. They aren't interested in the family other than photo ops and it shows. I understand why you relate to them. You are cut from the same cloth. We get it.

So you had a baby and were shocked about this? Were these indifferent grandparents fully engaged parents?

[Anonymous]

For someone who has so much to do other than be with grandchildren you are sure argumentative ans spending a lot of time on this site. Your responses dont even make sense anymore. OP. Is disappointed. Thats all. You are way more upset than she is and it doesn't even concern you.