My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.

I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.

Yeah, helping out is expecting too much. You are expecting them to do stuff for you. Find a new backup childcare.

I disagree with you on this. If they are not interested in helping their grandkids and don’t even care about the grandkids they shouldn’t have had children in the first place. Kids are an obligation until the day you die and if you are too selfish to help them out you shouldn’t have them at all. I’m not expecting them to do everything for me just actually make an effort to help occasionally instead of requesting social media pics of the kids everyday so they can pretend like they are great grandparents to their friends.

Wow. You've got to be a troll.

The bolded means helping a fully-grown, financially-independent adult child only in case of emergency, or life-or-death situations. Not regular babysitting or sending random money throughout their lives. My parents helped me when I suddenly needed hospitalization and my husband's job was too inflexible for him to take off work for childcare. They took charge of my post-hospitalization, kid pick up and drop off, meals, etc. And then they left when I felt better. They have never baby-sat or sent us money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Biggest issue is your ILs judging your parents. That's not right. But I'm not sure if you just think they're judging them or if they have actually said of done anything. I think you just have to expect your parents to be the way they are. Your not going to change them. Just be thankful your in-laws are more involved and more helpful. I can't think of a lot of families that have two sets of involved grandparents.

I have no problem with them judging my parents. I am not upset about that. I’m judging my parents as well. I just feel bad for my ILs because it makes them sad that it seems like my family doesn’t care about the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.

I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.

I do not understand this post. What does hiring a nanny have to do with occasional grandparent weekend visits?

OP how old are your children?

It makes me angry because they keep on telling me to spend 5k a month on childcare but are unable to help financially in any way. They also voted for someone who has actively made my life more difficult/threatened my employment prospects, but they are unable to keep quiet about politics when they visit.

Your parents' position almost sounds like their way of enforcing healthy boundaries with their entitled adult child, frankly. Do you have a history of asking them for money or other assistance as an adult? Do you engage them in political debates (in our family, politics are just off limits for discussion, which is critical for family harmony)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.

I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.

I do not understand this post. What does hiring a nanny have to do with occasional grandparent weekend visits?

OP how old are your children?

It makes me angry because they keep on telling me to spend 5k a month on childcare but are unable to help financially in any way. They also voted for someone who has actively made my life more difficult/threatened my employment prospects, but they are unable to keep quiet about politics when they visit.

Oh here we go. Now we know it's a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.

I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.

Yeah, helping out is expecting too much. You are expecting them to do stuff for you. Find a new backup childcare.

I disagree with you on this. If they are not interested in helping their grandkids and don’t even care about the grandkids they shouldn’t have had children in the first place. Kids are an obligation until the day you die and if you are too selfish to help them out you shouldn’t have them at all. I’m not expecting them to do everything for me just actually make an effort to help occasionally instead of requesting social media pics of the kids everyday so they can pretend like they are great grandparents to their friends.

Wow. You've got to be a troll.

The bolded means helping a fully-grown, financially-independent adult child only in case of emergency, or life-or-death situations. Not regular babysitting or sending random money throughout their lives. My parents helped me when I suddenly needed hospitalization and my husband's job was too inflexible for him to take off work for childcare. They took charge of my post-hospitalization, kid pick up and drop off, meals, etc. And then they left when I felt better. They have never baby-sat or sent us money.

I genuinely feel this way and I would do anything for my kids. People who don’t feel this way should reconsider whether they should have kids.

[Anonymous]

Every family has a different background and attitude towards kids. My FIL has always have a bitter face expression and talk about money.
My parents always have a happy expression every time they see grandkids arriving. I don’t expect my parents to take caregiving responsibility or to pay for bills.

[Anonymous]

This is a bait-and-switch troll. Create narrative that OP is a little crazy, have everyone defend the hands-off grandparents, and then reveal that they are actually MAGA and watch to see if people will pretzel themselves into a different opinion.

Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.

I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.

Yeah, helping out is expecting too much. You are expecting them to do stuff for you. Find a new backup childcare.

I disagree with you on this. If they are not interested in helping their grandkids and don’t even care about the grandkids they shouldn’t have had children in the first place. Kids are an obligation until the day you die and if you are too selfish to help them out you shouldn’t have them at all. I’m not expecting them to do everything for me just actually make an effort to help occasionally instead of requesting social media pics of the kids everyday so they can pretend like they are great grandparents to their friends.

Wow. You've got to be a troll.

The bolded means helping a fully-grown, financially-independent adult child only in case of emergency, or life-or-death situations. Not regular babysitting or sending random money throughout their lives. My parents helped me when I suddenly needed hospitalization and my husband's job was too inflexible for him to take off work for childcare. They took charge of my post-hospitalization, kid pick up and drop off, meals, etc. And then they left when I felt better. They have never baby-sat or sent us money.

I genuinely feel this way and I would do anything for my kids. People who don’t feel this way should reconsider whether they should have kids.

You miss the point: YOUR PARENTS DO NOT OWE YOU REGULAR CHILDCARE OR MONEY.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.

I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.

I do not understand this post. What does hiring a nanny have to do with occasional grandparent weekend visits?

OP how old are your children?

It makes me angry because they keep on telling me to spend 5k a month on childcare but are unable to help financially in any way. They also voted for someone who has actively made my life more difficult/threatened my employment prospects, but they are unable to keep quiet about politics when they visit.

Your parents' position almost sounds like their way of enforcing healthy boundaries with their entitled adult child, frankly. Do you have a history of asking them for money or other assistance as an adult? Do you engage them in political debates (in our family, politics are just off limits for discussion, which is critical for family harmony)?

I never start the discussion, it is always them that starts the political discussion and I want nothing to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is a bait-and-switch troll. Create narrative that OP is a little crazy, have everyone defend the hands-off grandparents, and then reveal that they are actually MAGA and watch to see if people will pretzel themselves into a different opinion.

Ridiculous.

Why do we care if they are MAGA? It's not really relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.

I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.

Yeah, helping out is expecting too much. You are expecting them to do stuff for you. Find a new backup childcare.

I disagree with you on this. If they are not interested in helping their grandkids and don’t even care about the grandkids they shouldn’t have had children in the first place. Kids are an obligation until the day you die and if you are too selfish to help them out you shouldn’t have them at all. I’m not expecting them to do everything for me just actually make an effort to help occasionally instead of requesting social media pics of the kids everyday so they can pretend like they are great grandparents to their friends.

Wow. You've got to be a troll.

The bolded means helping a fully-grown, financially-independent adult child only in case of emergency, or life-or-death situations. Not regular babysitting or sending random money throughout their lives. My parents helped me when I suddenly needed hospitalization and my husband's job was too inflexible for him to take off work for childcare. They took charge of my post-hospitalization, kid pick up and drop off, meals, etc. And then they left when I felt better. They have never baby-sat or sent us money.

I genuinely feel this way and I would do anything for my kids. People who don’t feel this way should reconsider whether they should have kids.

You miss the point: YOUR PARENTS DO NOT OWE YOU REGULAR CHILDCARE OR MONEY.

I never said they should pay for it, but don’t criticize me for not paying for it then talk voting for people all day that are actively destroying my life. At least keep quiet about politics if you are unable to help financially and vote for people that harm my finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where you always this rotten child? Maybe your parents are showing what you really are.

I’m rotten for expecting my parents to care about their grandkids and not pretend they don’t exist unless they are asking for social media photos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where you always this rotten child? Maybe your parents are showing what you really are.

I’m rotten for expecting my parents to care about their grandkids and not pretend they don’t exist unless they are asking for social media photos.

Not rotten, just lacking internal peace. You won't find it until you learn to accept people as they are.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is similar to the dynamic we had with my parents when my kids were small. DH’s parents sound just like your in-laws - willing to help, very doting and provided support while my parents could hardly bother to visit or pay much attention (except also for the social media posts for their friends). Now my kids are in their late teens and my parents are the more favored grandparents because my parents treat the kids like adults and have meaningful conversations with them while MIL is still buying them cute pencils and hair ties and isn’t particularly interesting. My point is that my in laws were the better grandparents for when the kids were younger and mine are now that the kids are older. People evolve and change and maybe your dynamic will too.

[Anonymous]

You’re messy OP. Stop over sharing with your in-laws.

They probably think their child married into a horrible family anyways.

Also, your parents aren’t obligated to help you with your kids.