Who decides when to propose, get married and have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids, each now married with children. I have no idea who initiated those conversations. The only conversation I had with my daughters was about living together and my feeling that marriage should be on the horizon. I think their now husbands had a good sense for how my husband felt!

Our expectation - kids will marry into intact and functional families that prioritize education. They will marry normal people with good morals, good education, minimal baggage and bright future. No living together before marriage, unless the wedding planning was already underway. No abuse, addiction and adultery to be ever accepted.

What we expect from life and what we get are quite far apart. You'll be lucky if half of these requirements are fulfilled. Not saying that these aren't reasonable.

Without living together, hard to really know the person, specially their tendencies for addiction, abuse, adultery etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids, each now married with children. I have no idea who initiated those conversations. The only conversation I had with my daughters was about living together and my feeling that marriage should be on the horizon. I think their now husbands had a good sense for how my husband felt!

Our expectation - kids will marry into intact and functional families that prioritize education. They will marry normal people with good morals, good education, minimal baggage and bright future. No living together before marriage, unless the wedding planning was already underway. No abuse, addiction and adultery to be ever accepted.

What we expect from life and what we get are quite far apart. You'll be lucky if half of these requirements are fulfilled. Not saying that these aren't reasonable.

Without living together, hard to really know the person, specially their tendencies for addiction, abuse, adultery etc.

We have told our kids not to marry "projects". If they think that they can change an addict or change their value system then they are mistaken. Children of addicts - become addicts. Children of divorce - get divorced. Children of abusers - become abusers themselves. I know that people actually show their SO what kind of people they are even when they are dating. Most people cannot fake it forever. Besides, our kids may marry young, but (at least the daughters in our family) wait for a number of years before having kids. No one is having kids before they are in their 30s and have a firm grasp of the true nature of their partner and are financially stable.

Living together and/or having multiple sexual partners - does not prevent USA's 50% divorce rates or dead bedrooms. Entire DCUM is full of the reality of American family life!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids, each now married with children. I have no idea who initiated those conversations. The only conversation I had with my daughters was about living together and my feeling that marriage should be on the horizon. I think their now husbands had a good sense for how my husband felt!

Our expectation - kids will marry into intact and functional families that prioritize education. They will marry normal people with good morals, good education, minimal baggage and bright future. No living together before marriage, unless the wedding planning was already underway. No abuse, addiction and adultery to be ever accepted.

What we expect from life and what we get are quite far apart. You'll be lucky if half of these requirements are fulfilled. Not saying that these aren't reasonable.

Without living together, hard to really know the person, specially their tendencies for addiction, abuse, adultery etc.

We have told our kids not to marry "projects". If they think that they can change an addict or change their value system then they are mistaken. Children of addicts - become addicts. Children of divorce - get divorced. Children of abusers - become abusers themselves. I know that people actually show their SO what kind of people they are even when they are dating. Most people cannot fake it forever. Besides, our kids may marry young, but (at least the daughters in our family) wait for a number of years before having kids. No one is having kids before they are in their 30s and have a firm grasp of the true nature of their partner and are financially stable.

Living together and/or having multiple sexual partners - does not prevent USA's 50% divorce rates or dead bedrooms. Entire DCUM is full of the reality of American family life!!

Really unfair to paint your children's potential partners with the brush of being children of divorce will automatically get divorced.

Not to mention, sometimes divorce is the least worst option when people discover addiction or adultery.

[Anonymous]

Well, people who divorce are mostly kids of married parents, if they didn't follow their parents in staying married, why would their kids follow them in getting divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids, each now married with children. I have no idea who initiated those conversations. The only conversation I had with my daughters was about living together and my feeling that marriage should be on the horizon. I think their now husbands had a good sense for how my husband felt!

Our expectation - kids will marry into intact and functional families that prioritize education. They will marry normal people with good morals, good education, minimal baggage and bright future. No living together before marriage, unless the wedding planning was already underway. No abuse, addiction and adultery to be ever accepted.

What we expect from life and what we get are quite far apart. You'll be lucky if half of these requirements are fulfilled. Not saying that these aren't reasonable.

Without living together, hard to really know the person, specially their tendencies for addiction, abuse, adultery etc.

We have told our kids not to marry "projects". If they think that they can change an addict or change their value system then they are mistaken. Children of addicts - become addicts. Children of divorce - get divorced. Children of abusers - become abusers themselves. I know that people actually show their SO what kind of people they are even when they are dating. Most people cannot fake it forever. Besides, our kids may marry young, but (at least the daughters in our family) wait for a number of years before having kids. No one is having kids before they are in their 30s and have a firm grasp of the true nature of their partner and are financially stable.

Living together and/or having multiple sexual partners - does not prevent USA's 50% divorce rates or dead bedrooms. Entire DCUM is full of the reality of American family life!!

Really unfair to paint your children's potential partners with the brush of being children of divorce will automatically get divorced.

Not to mention, sometimes divorce is the least worst option when people discover addiction or adultery.

Yes but that means one parent had issues and other parent didn't have sense to pick better?

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day, no matter who you are, as a parent you want your kids to find healthy, decent, educated and successful spouses from stable families with ethical values, intact parents and financial sense.

[Anonymous]

You don't want chaos in your kid's life and if in-laws are divorced, bankruptcy, addiction, divorce or legal issues etc, their chaos is very likely to seep into their kid's life and by association into your kid's life so its only natural to want to avoid it.

[Anonymous]

I don't care if my kids are marrying up or down. I only wish for their partners to have common sense and be ethical.

[Anonymous]

The two adults involved and dating absolutely should discuss and make that decision.

Not the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

We only want what would be beneficial for them. Of course, they can be attracted to whoever they want.

However, if they want us to be ok and supportive of their romantic relationship, marriage, kids ...they know the blue print. They are also the product of this same blueprint that we have followed. You cannot benefit from what we have built and then also think that we will support you if you do opposite of that.

What are you gonna do to them if they don't follow your rules?

Ha ha. We will just treat them like American parents.

No paying for college, no funding their wedding, no down-payment for the house, no babysitting the grandkids, no celebrating their milestones, no living rent-free in our house after college, no new car when they start college, no generational wealth being passed down to them.

New poster here. Many are past typical college age when they find a partner so college expenses might have already been sorted by then. And you won’t babysit your grandkids or celebrate milestones? Very hard to believe that you won’t want to be part of your kids and grandkids lives that way.

Yes, that's super sad! I can't imagine being so controlling that I'd give up my grandchild time over the timing of a marriage proposal or anything as minor as that. How many years does PP plan to sulk over not getting to micromanage the marriage proposal? PP is lucky if someone is willing to marry their kid and put up with nightmare controlling in-laws.

Don't worry. Kids are married or on track to be married. To wonderful people (outside of our culture) who are the kind of people we would have wanted for our kids.

Our kids also are intelligent and sorted people who avoided toxic/loser people from dysfunctional families - so they chose very wisely.

You sound very smug but I’ll note that my Indian friends have unhappy marriages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

We only want what would be beneficial for them. Of course, they can be attracted to whoever they want.

However, if they want us to be ok and supportive of their romantic relationship, marriage, kids ...they know the blue print. They are also the product of this same blueprint that we have followed. You cannot benefit from what we have built and then also think that we will support you if you do opposite of that.

What are you gonna do to them if they don't follow your rules?

Ha ha. We will just treat them like American parents.

No paying for college, no funding their wedding, no down-payment for the house, no babysitting the grandkids, no celebrating their milestones, no living rent-free in our house after college, no new car when they start college, no generational wealth being passed down to them.

New poster here. Many are past typical college age when they find a partner so college expenses might have already been sorted by then. And you won’t babysit your grandkids or celebrate milestones? Very hard to believe that you won’t want to be part of your kids and grandkids lives that way.

Yes, that's super sad! I can't imagine being so controlling that I'd give up my grandchild time over the timing of a marriage proposal or anything as minor as that. How many years does PP plan to sulk over not getting to micromanage the marriage proposal? PP is lucky if someone is willing to marry their kid and put up with nightmare controlling in-laws.

Don't worry. Kids are married or on track to be married. To wonderful people (outside of our culture) who are the kind of people we would have wanted for our kids.

Our kids also are intelligent and sorted people who avoided toxic/loser people from dysfunctional families - so they chose very wisely.

You sound very smug but I’ll note that my Indian friends have unhappy marriages

This poster does sound arrogantly smug but as far as your comment goes, Americans of all origins have more unhappy or failed marriages than happy and stable ones so why would you single out just one group?

[Anonymous]

Marriages which seem very happy on social media often tend to end badly.