Who decides when to propose, get married and have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, young people who like the romanticized “proposal” thing have already had discussions. They know they are getting married, but don’t consider themselves engaged until they do the knee and ring thing.

On TV there is this narrative where the woman is totally surprised but I don’t know anyone who does that in real life.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

[Anonymous]

*given manual

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

We only want what would be beneficial for them. Of course, they can be attracted to whoever they want.

However, if they want us to be ok and supportive of their romantic relationship, marriage, kids ...they know the blue print. They are also the product of this same blueprint that we have followed. You cannot benefit from what we have built and then also think that we will support you if you do opposite of that.

[Anonymous]

We have three kids, each now married with children. I have no idea who initiated those conversations. The only conversation I had with my daughters was about living together and my feeling that marriage should be on the horizon. I think their now husbands had a good sense for how my husband felt!

[Anonymous]

In retrospect, I realize my now ex’s father probably encouraged him to marry me and start a family. What a disaster for me and our kids to end up with a man who really didn’t want to be a father or a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine parents having a say in when I marry and have kids! I would have left dh if he let his parents make either decision for him. What kind of manchild lets their parents run their life?

Dh and I both decided together to marry and have children. We always wanted both with each other.

That is normal. And I'm married to an Indian Man, one who didn't come to the US until college. So the culture was strong influence from the family. But my now husband did not care, and we did what we wanted to do. But the pressure from nosy family members is always a part of that culture

[Anonymous]

OPs daughter is probably not marriage material. Going online and blaming men won’t fix that issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you advise your sons and daughters to make this decision together with their significant other or let male partner decide when to go exclusive, when to move in together, when to propose, when to marry, when to have kids etc.? It seems Western men have unbalanced power in these equations. They've to be ready to decide to go ahead even though women are supposed to be equal partners in finances and logistics and practically handle 80% of the responsibilities.

We are from a different continent and these decisions are made by consensus between, both partners and both families. Men don't hold any special power. It just seems strange to see women accepting this system. They seem more interested in height of the groom and size of the diamond.

You come from a culture that involves "consensus by both families" and you are calling our way strange?

Butt out of your adult kids' lives, OP.

Seriously, how enmeshed can you be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

+1. What are you going to do about it if your kids don't live by your "timeline"?

You need to be aware that this will be off-putting and make it harder for them to marry, especially if they are boys. Nobody wants to think their boyfriend is letting his parents run his life. He will look like a child who can't make decisions for himself, and you will look like nightmare in-laws. Nobody wants a proposal that is essentially "Let's marry because my parents have a timeline for my life." The man should propose because he, himself, wants to marry this specific woman at this time. Not because his parents want him to marry someone. You are making it harder for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

We only want what would be beneficial for them. Of course, they can be attracted to whoever they want.

However, if they want us to be ok and supportive of their romantic relationship, marriage, kids ...they know the blue print. They are also the product of this same blueprint that we have followed. You cannot benefit from what we have built and then also think that we will support you if you do opposite of that.

What are you gonna do to them if they don't follow your rules?

[Anonymous]

In my experience, there are lots of discussions about the future and what both the man and woman want. There’s a general agreement that they want to get engaged in the next year or married by X age, Z number of children, etc.

However, the actual proposal is often a surprise. So, the couple agreed to get engaged in the next 6 months, but the woman is surprised that he chose to propose on a weekend beach trip or a Valentine’s Day or while rock climbing in Yosemite, etc. The specific proposal as a romantic gesture is a surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, there are lots of discussions about the future and what both the man and woman want. There’s a general agreement that they want to get engaged in the next year or married by X age, Z number of children, etc.

However, the actual proposal is often a surprise. So, the couple agreed to get engaged in the next 6 months, but the woman is surprised that he chose to propose on a weekend beach trip or a Valentine’s Day or while rock climbing in Yosemite, etc. The specific proposal as a romantic gesture is a surprise.

This. Smart young people have clear conversations to ensure they are compatible and set a general time frame. But the proposal itself can be a fun event. And if the woman is smart, she'll ensure that the man (and not his mommy!) does the work of planning it, to prove he has a modicum of executive functioning and motivation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

We only want what would be beneficial for them. Of course, they can be attracted to whoever they want.

However, if they want us to be ok and supportive of their romantic relationship, marriage, kids ...they know the blue print. They are also the product of this same blueprint that we have followed. You cannot benefit from what we have built and then also think that we will support you if you do opposite of that.

You know that if your kids were exposed much to the culture in this country you’re overplaying your hand, right? We value our independence. Your kids might follow your rules out of deference but it’s just as likely they’ll transition their relationship with you to a superficial one where they only share the parts of their lives with you that they already know you will approve of. Also might just mostly shut you out — especially if they have kids and want to raise them according to their choices rather than yours. You can put your chips where you want, but I think you should consider the stakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you advise your sons and daughters to make this decision together with their significant other or let male partner decide when to go exclusive, when to move in together, when to propose, when to marry, when to have kids etc.? It seems Western men have unbalanced power in these equations. They've to be ready to decide to go ahead even though women are supposed to be equal partners in finances and logistics and practically handle 80% of the responsibilities.

We are from a different continent and these decisions are made by consensus between, both partners and both families. Men don't hold any special power. It just seems strange to see women accepting this system. They seem more interested in height of the groom and size of the diamond.

I think you're misunderstanding it. Western men are expected to announce that they are ready and propose because they tend to be later to be ready. Nobody wants a man who is only going along with marriage because his family or girlfriend is pressuring him. That's a terrible choice that will end badly. Really, the only power men hold is to agree to be married or not get married. And women also have that power. If they don't want to marry they will decline the proposal, or preempt it by talking to the man about this so that he doesn't propose. The idea is that marriage should involve the genuine, uncoerced, freely given consent of both parties.