Who decides when to propose, get married and have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

We only want what would be beneficial for them. Of course, they can be attracted to whoever they want.

However, if they want us to be ok and supportive of their romantic relationship, marriage, kids ...they know the blue print. They are also the product of this same blueprint that we have followed. You cannot benefit from what we have built and then also think that we will support you if you do opposite of that.

What are you gonna do to them if they don't follow your rules?

Ha ha. We will just treat them like American parents.

No paying for college, no funding their wedding, no down-payment for the house, no babysitting the grandkids, no celebrating their milestones, no living rent-free in our house after college, no new car when they start college, no generational wealth being passed down to them.

Really, you'd do all that just because someone didn't propose on your timeline?

Try to understand that this kind of controlling parenting is deeply off-putting and is actually making it less likely that your children get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

We only want what would be beneficial for them. Of course, they can be attracted to whoever they want.

However, if they want us to be ok and supportive of their romantic relationship, marriage, kids ...they know the blue print. They are also the product of this same blueprint that we have followed. You cannot benefit from what we have built and then also think that we will support you if you do opposite of that.

What are you gonna do to them if they don't follow your rules?

Ha ha. We will just treat them like American parents.

No paying for college, no funding their wedding, no down-payment for the house, no babysitting the grandkids, no celebrating their milestones, no living rent-free in our house after college, no new car when they start college, no generational wealth being passed down to them.

New poster here. Many are past typical college age when they find a partner so college expenses might have already been sorted by then. And you won’t babysit your grandkids or celebrate milestones? Very hard to believe that you won’t want to be part of your kids and grandkids lives that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men keep women's lives in limbo for years before breaking up. If two people can't decide in 1-2 years, move on. No point in reeling in someone for years and years.

Is it worse if a woman does it or just different? My son's friend met his girlfriend freshman year of college, which was over ten years ago. She gives mixed signals on marriage, and my son's friend doesn't know whether to try to propose!

[Anonymous]

Both partners make these decisions together. If one of them is deciding for the other, that’s not a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

We only want what would be beneficial for them. Of course, they can be attracted to whoever they want.

However, if they want us to be ok and supportive of their romantic relationship, marriage, kids ...they know the blue print. They are also the product of this same blueprint that we have followed. You cannot benefit from what we have built and then also think that we will support you if you do opposite of that.

What are you gonna do to them if they don't follow your rules?

Ha ha. We will just treat them like American parents.

No paying for college, no funding their wedding, no down-payment for the house, no babysitting the grandkids, no celebrating their milestones, no living rent-free in our house after college, no new car when they start college, no generational wealth being passed down to them.

New poster here. Many are past typical college age when they find a partner so college expenses might have already been sorted by then. And you won’t babysit your grandkids or celebrate milestones? Very hard to believe that you won’t want to be part of your kids and grandkids lives that way.

Yes, that's super sad! I can't imagine being so controlling that I'd give up my grandchild time over the timing of a marriage proposal or anything as minor as that. How many years does PP plan to sulk over not getting to micromanage the marriage proposal? PP is lucky if someone is willing to marry their kid and put up with nightmare controlling in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

We only want what would be beneficial for them. Of course, they can be attracted to whoever they want.

However, if they want us to be ok and supportive of their romantic relationship, marriage, kids ...they know the blue print. They are also the product of this same blueprint that we have followed. You cannot benefit from what we have built and then also think that we will support you if you do opposite of that.

What are you gonna do to them if they don't follow your rules?

Ha ha. We will just treat them like American parents.

No paying for college, no funding their wedding, no down-payment for the house, no babysitting the grandkids, no celebrating their milestones, no living rent-free in our house after college, no new car when they start college, no generational wealth being passed down to them.

Really, you'd do all that just because someone didn't propose on your timeline?

Try to understand that this kind of controlling parenting is deeply off-putting and is actually making it less likely that your children get married.

Well, yes. If they want no interference from parents, like their WASP peers, then they have to walk the walk too, correct? If they don't want to be treated like the most precious children and rather be treated like orphans - then this is the life they get.

Trust me - most of our kids graduate on time, get jobs on time, marry on time, buy their SFH/TH on time, have kids on time - regardless of if they marry within our culture or even outside the culture. The kind of support we give is the support only UMC parents and rich parents in USA can give - and we are neither.

As they get into the working world, they can see how much harder the lives of their peers is because of lack of support. Most of their peers are drowning in student debt, don't have good paying jobs, can't afford homes, don't have savings, delay marriage, delay having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

We only want what would be beneficial for them. Of course, they can be attracted to whoever they want.

However, if they want us to be ok and supportive of their romantic relationship, marriage, kids ...they know the blue print. They are also the product of this same blueprint that we have followed. You cannot benefit from what we have built and then also think that we will support you if you do opposite of that.

What are you gonna do to them if they don't follow your rules?

Ha ha. We will just treat them like American parents.

No paying for college, no funding their wedding, no down-payment for the house, no babysitting the grandkids, no celebrating their milestones, no living rent-free in our house after college, no new car when they start college, no generational wealth being passed down to them.

New poster here. Many are past typical college age when they find a partner so college expenses might have already been sorted by then. And you won’t babysit your grandkids or celebrate milestones? Very hard to believe that you won’t want to be part of your kids and grandkids lives that way.

Yes, that's super sad! I can't imagine being so controlling that I'd give up my grandchild time over the timing of a marriage proposal or anything as minor as that. How many years does PP plan to sulk over not getting to micromanage the marriage proposal? PP is lucky if someone is willing to marry their kid and put up with nightmare controlling in-laws.

Don't worry. Kids are married or on track to be married. To wonderful people (outside of our culture) who are the kind of people we would have wanted for our kids.

Our kids also are intelligent and sorted people who avoided toxic/loser people from dysfunctional families - so they chose very wisely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men keep women's lives in limbo for years before breaking up. If two people can't decide in 1-2 years, move on. No point in reeling in someone for years and years.

Is it worse if a woman does it or just different? My son's friend met his girlfriend freshman year of college, which was over ten years ago. She gives mixed signals on marriage, and my son's friend doesn't know whether to try to propose!

He or she may not be the best marriage material. What is the background, family background, education, career, wealth, habits, values, friends, dreams, hopes and ambition?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men keep women's lives in limbo for years before breaking up. If two people can't decide in 1-2 years, move on. No point in reeling in someone for years and years.

Is it worse if a woman does it or just different? My son's friend met his girlfriend freshman year of college, which was over ten years ago. She gives mixed signals on marriage, and my son's friend doesn't know whether to try to propose!

Why can't they communicate?

[Anonymous]

I too am a parent of South Asian origin who has done it all from private colleges for undergrad and grad schools, car, house downpayment etc etc but don't see any connection between me wanting to life easier for my kids and cutting them off for deciding whom or when to marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids, each now married with children. I have no idea who initiated those conversations. The only conversation I had with my daughters was about living together and my feeling that marriage should be on the horizon. I think their now husbands had a good sense for how my husband felt!

Our expectation - kids will marry into intact and functional families that prioritize education. They will marry normal people with good morals, good education, minimal baggage and bright future. No living together before marriage, unless the wedding planning was already underway. No abuse, addiction and adultery to be ever accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I too am a parent of South Asian origin who has done it all from private colleges for undergrad and grad schools, car, house downpayment etc etc but don't see any connection between me wanting to life easier for my kids and cutting them off for deciding whom or when to marry.

If you have done your job as a parent right, they will marry good people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

We only want what would be beneficial for them. Of course, they can be attracted to whoever they want.

However, if they want us to be ok and supportive of their romantic relationship, marriage, kids ...they know the blue print. They are also the product of this same blueprint that we have followed. You cannot benefit from what we have built and then also think that we will support you if you do opposite of that.

What are you gonna do to them if they don't follow your rules?

Ha ha. We will just treat them like American parents.

No paying for college, no funding their wedding, no down-payment for the house, no babysitting the grandkids, no celebrating their milestones, no living rent-free in our house after college, no new car when they start college, no generational wealth being passed down to them.

Really, you'd do all that just because someone didn't propose on your timeline?

Try to understand that this kind of controlling parenting is deeply off-putting and is actually making it less likely that your children get married.

Well, yes. If they want no interference from parents, like their WASP peers, then they have to walk the walk too, correct? If they don't want to be treated like the most precious children and rather be treated like orphans - then this is the life they get.

Trust me - most of our kids graduate on time, get jobs on time, marry on time, buy their SFH/TH on time, have kids on time - regardless of if they marry within our culture or even outside the culture. The kind of support we give is the support only UMC parents and rich parents in USA can give - and we are neither.

As they get into the working world, they can see how much harder the lives of their peers is because of lack of support. Most of their peers are drowning in student debt, don't have good paying jobs, can't afford homes, don't have savings, delay marriage, delay having kids.

1) You haven't a clue what WASP actually means.

2) I didn't get any of those things from my parents, even though they could afford it, and my life has turned out great. I have all the things you think your children's peers don't have, and I also have a healthy marriage and a healthy relationship with my parents, who don't try to use money to control me. Same for my DH. I'm beyond thrilled that my parents and in-laws treat me as an adult and don't try to control us.

3) Perhaps there's a smidgen of middle ground between "most precious child" and "like an orphan", no?

You are headed for disaster with this parenting style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids know very well what our expectation and reasoning is for the kind of people they should marry, how they should structure their relationship so that it ends in marriage and a family, when they should have kids.

Also, we have a certain timeline for them to get married.

It seems like its all about what you want for them. They must find someone you would approve of and within your given timeframe and follow the given annual. What if they are attracted to partners who aren't your kind of people, want to marry earlier or later then approved window and structure a different relationship than allowed?

We only want what would be beneficial for them. Of course, they can be attracted to whoever they want.

However, if they want us to be ok and supportive of their romantic relationship, marriage, kids ...they know the blue print. They are also the product of this same blueprint that we have followed. You cannot benefit from what we have built and then also think that we will support you if you do opposite of that.

What are you gonna do to them if they don't follow your rules?

Ha ha. We will just treat them like American parents.

No paying for college, no funding their wedding, no down-payment for the house, no babysitting the grandkids, no celebrating their milestones, no living rent-free in our house after college, no new car when they start college, no generational wealth being passed down to them.

New poster here. Many are past typical college age when they find a partner so college expenses might have already been sorted by then. And you won’t babysit your grandkids or celebrate milestones? Very hard to believe that you won’t want to be part of your kids and grandkids lives that way.

Yes, that's super sad! I can't imagine being so controlling that I'd give up my grandchild time over the timing of a marriage proposal or anything as minor as that. How many years does PP plan to sulk over not getting to micromanage the marriage proposal? PP is lucky if someone is willing to marry their kid and put up with nightmare controlling in-laws.

Don't worry. Kids are married or on track to be married. To wonderful people (outside of our culture) who are the kind of people we would have wanted for our kids.

Our kids also are intelligent and sorted people who avoided toxic/loser people from dysfunctional families - so they chose very wisely.

So even if your children's lives turned out well, you'd still give up time with your grandchildren to punish your children for not letting you control their choices? I understand it hasn't, or you think it won't, actually come to that. But you'd actually punish your own grandchildren by withholding time together because you weren't allowed to dictate the timing of your adult child's marriage proposal?

[Anonymous]

Do your parents use money to control your choices, PP? When does it end?