Husband lazy/half asses everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is reason #28475950 of why women don't need men anymore.

That's because loser women can only get loser guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is lazy.
Either discuss w him or plan to deal as you don’t seem like you would consider divorce.

The older I get, the more convinced I am that there is no such thing as lazy. Laziness is simply a struggle that you cannot see. Depression, ADHD, both, family trauma they haven’t processed, etc. approach with compassion. Nobody actually enjoys letting people down. They are often dissociating and beating themselves up for not being able to do what is expected of them.

I’m the opposite - the older I get, the more I realize it’s laziness and just plain selfishness. I’ve known so many people who claimed ADHD/depression/trauma/etc while married, yet as soon as their spouse divorced them, they suddenly got it together and were able to function. Amazing what consequences like “you’ll be evicted” or “you’ll starve” can do.

Trauma. Everyone has “trauma” now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you not notice long ago that he is like that? Would have driven me crazy.
Now figure why or how to fix it. I wouldn't bother even. Easier to do those things on my own under a minute.

Essentially, I never really needed him before we had a baby, which made it easy to be in love. And then we had a baby and I needed him, and he suuuuuucked. Then the kids got old enough to where I don’t need him any more, again, which makes it easy for me to be indifferent about him altogether.

How is this possible? Did you just do all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, hosting, planning, present buying, etc.? Before we had kids together my husband and I lived together so we shared all the household responsibilities, we had dogs (each brought one into the relationship) so we shared pet care duties, we traveled so we shared planning and executing that, we celebrated holidays together so we shared buying presents, etc. I don't get how you couldn't need your spouse before having a baby with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is reason #28475950 of why women don't need men anymore.

I need my husband! Not to make money, I make my own, although obviously it's nice having twice as much, but he does 50% of the work around the house and the childcare (we had a nanny when they were younger before going to school full-time). When he's gone I have to do it all myself and it's a lot. I much, much prefer him being here.

[Anonymous]

He’s not doing the bare minimum of being an adult/husband/father. Baths, kids laundry and dishes were the easiest tasks for my husband so he asked to do those. He took on zero mental load, bill paying, and extremely minimal parenting.

I think he did ok w baths and kids laundry, but was terrible with dishes (thought he could wait till Saturday to do them!)

Ultimately I separated because he was making my life impossibly difficult. We had a major medical issue of a family member where he was so incompetent and uncaring. The signs were there all along. If he couldn’t do little easy things, how could he possibly handle something bigger and so important? He was worse than the kids at picking up after himself, being appreciative, etc and I didn’t want that example for my kids esp my son.

I didn’t see a way to get him to care and be motivated to be a good responsible husband, if he didn’t want to be that himself. It was a long difficult losing battle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH only handles cooking.

I handle everyone's laundry. I am currently unwell and he will do the laundry but it makes my heart weep when I see how grungy and sad the clothes look.

I do everything for kids education. He drives them places during the weekend. I plan, organize, invite, cook, decorate for parties...he does the ice cube run and pours the drinks. I now outsource everything that I can because my DH cannot do what needs to be done.

But, as long as the house is standing, kids are fed and we all are alive, I let it slide. My mom told me that the fact that my DH is not malicious and that I have full control of his money (I am SAHM), and there is no adultery, abuse, addiction in my marriage, and he has zero expectation from me even if sometimes the house is trashed...I should just ignore it. So, I do.

You're a SAHM - your job is literally to do all that suff. And his is to make money. So yeah, you should ignore it. Also, what else are you going to do? You don't have a job.

No. As a SAHM - my job is to take care of my kids. I am a SAH MOM, not a SAH maid. So, I give 100% of myself to my kids. Best investment of my time. He values the family, marriage, lifestyle - and most important he likes his work. So he works in a job he likes, making salary he likes, in a non-toxic and comfortable environment. He is not a coal miner.

I don't want to work for pay in corporate America because I find it toxic for women and families- so I don't. I also don't want to do many of the household chores because it bores me. So, I don't. Whenever I can, I outsource stuff that I don't want to do. And when we were poor and did not have money, DH and I did the work together.

I LOL at your assertion that I don't have options because I don't have a job. Just let me say that being strategic and putting in the work before I got married or had kids - has given me plenty of options to never have a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My DH only handles cooking.

I handle everyone's laundry. I am currently unwell and he will do the laundry but it makes my heart weep when I see how grungy and sad the clothes look.

I do everything for kids education. He drives them places during the weekend. I plan, organize, invite, cook, decorate for parties...he does the ice cube run and pours the drinks. I now outsource everything that I can because my DH cannot do what needs to be done.

But, as long as the house is standing, kids are fed and we all are alive, I let it slide. My mom told me that the fact that my DH is not malicious and that I have full control of his money (I am SAHM), and there is no adultery, abuse, addiction in my marriage, and he has zero expectation from me even if sometimes the house is trashed...I should just ignore it. So, I do.

You needed to have led with you a SAHM. Once I read that, my expectations regarding what he has to do dropped considerably. Stop weeping and start outsourcing the laundry.

How unwell are you? Cancer treatment unwell?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has ADHD

please. He's just lazy and doesn't really care about these things. He's half a$$ing it.

DH does similar things.. for things he thinks are nbd and doesn't care about. Other things that he does care about, he's on the ball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a ADHD Coach or therapist.

A practical strategy would be to give him a domain, and give him time to own and perfect it. Communicate with him on ways that will support whatever internal system he that developed to remember. If it’s laundry, then it’s possible he will want color coded baskets to sort. He’ll need a designated day or timer set.

Be patient and trust the process. Get therapy for yourself to learn how to manage and better communicate.

Jesus. You people are totally crazy. OP doesn’t need another baby to mother!! She already has young helpless children! My 10 year old uses a timer for chores, if my DH had to do that and color coded baskets too we would be headed to “dead bedroom” purgatory. Stop having such low standards and treating useless men like babies and adding on more to their wives’ ever growing list of responsibilities. OP needs to very candidly tell her DH how he is dropping the ball, big time, and not pulling his weight in the family. He can decide if he is going to grow up and either get help for what may or may not be ADHD or change his attitude if he is just lazy. But he is a grown adult and a father of young children who needs to take responsibility for his behavior. What is OP supposed to do, hold his hand in therapy and make him color coded flashcards?? Nope. If he can’t change or get the help to change then OP I’m sorry but you will have to decide what kind of family life you are willing to accept. Whatever you do do not have another child you already got one more than you expected. Good luck.

+1 If I had to treat my DH like my child to get him to do chores I would not be attracted to him. Gross.

[Anonymous]

I've told my sahh many many times to pull out any clothes that is linen or 100% cotton and hang dry it. I've shown him which ones. Sometimes he does it; sometimes he forgets. He just did laundry and forgot to take out my linen shirt. It's now fit for a child. He's ruined several of my shirts this way. I only got to wear a few of them once or twice before it shrank in the dryer.

How many times do I have to tell him? He remembers to pull out his cotton shirts, but can't be bothered to check whether my shirts need to be pulled out.

He's been unemployed for over a year and agreed to be the sahd. I work FT. You'd think he would've gotten the hang of it (pardon the pun).

He doesn't seem to think it's a big deal how much money we waste with throwing out clothes because he can't be bothered to check which of my shirts are hang dry only.

When I was a sahw I made sure his laundry was done properly. I even ironed his damn shirts.