Husband lazy/half asses everything

[Anonymous]

Let me short cut this for you. This is my ex. Got diagnosed and medicated for ADHD. It doesn't get any better; rather you just understand why he is the way he is and there are some very marginal improvements. Unless he brings anything else to the table (handy? successful? good looking? funny? good dad? literally anything), the only thing that will save your sanity is divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is lazy.
Either discuss w him or plan to deal as you don’t seem like you would consider divorce.

The older I get, the more convinced I am that there is no such thing as lazy. Laziness is simply a struggle that you cannot see. Depression, ADHD, both, family trauma they haven’t processed, etc. approach with compassion. Nobody actually enjoys letting people down. They are often dissociating and beating themselves up for not being able to do what is expected of them.

Delusional

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is lazy.
Either discuss w him or plan to deal as you don’t seem like you would consider divorce.

The older I get, the more convinced I am that there is no such thing as lazy. Laziness is simply a struggle that you cannot see. Depression, ADHD, both, family trauma they haven’t processed, etc. approach with compassion. Nobody actually enjoys letting people down. They are often dissociating and beating themselves up for not being able to do what is expected of them.

Delusional

I think if you tried approaching people you judge as being lazy with an open mind, through the lens of what might be going on with them, you will be surprised by what you learn.

Did you grow up with judgmental, harsh parents who never let anyone sit down while they were working?

[Anonymous]

No i absolutely do not have this problem with my spouse.

[Anonymous]

This is me. I could follow my husband around all day and pick up after him.
But I gave up. I take care of things myself and figure out ways to get help when I need it.
If he travels, I will do renovations that will make my life easier. I hire people to come in and organize closets and drawers after he’s screwed everything up.
Laundry, I just do it. I line the kitchen counters with paper because he messes every surface he touches. I got baskets to throw mail in and I go through it when I have time. Speaking of baskets. They are great! I put them all over the house and they magically catch things so we don’t live like hoarders.
How do I justify all this? I don’t go to a gym. This is my workout!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else have a spouse who seems to do the bare minimum or half ass everything? I’m incredibly stressed out with him and finding it difficult to be attracted to him.

Example:

He'll do a load of laundry but forgets about it for days. If he does manage to toss it in the dryer, it often comes out still damp, which means I end up rewashing it anyway.

Putting away the laundry? Great idea! But where are all my underwear? Oh, they’re in the toddler’s drawer, and the kids’ clothes are mixed in with the bathroom towels.

He can load the dishwasher to the brim but never actually starts it. I genuinely don't get this one! Is he too lazy to add the detergent?

When he offers to put away leftovers, I end up with food on a plate without a cover just sitting in the fridge.

He’ll take out the trash but never replaces the bag.

And those trash bags? They sit on our back porch until pickup day.

He might offer to cook dinner but ends up absolutely destroying the kitchen in the process, leaving me to cleanup.

He volunteers to pick up groceries but forgets important items (even with reminders, texts, and lists).

He neglects the dog’s water bowl and food dish. If it weren’t for me they would have died from dehydration by now. He thinks it’s ok to never wash their dishes.

I don’t mind restocking the diaper bag, but he will leave wet clothes, dirty diapers, dirty bottles in there (for me to find).

Gives our toddler a bath but doesn’t wash soap out properly or brush her hair.

These are just a few. There are many more examples.

Is there any hope for him and us? Are my expectations too high? Do you think therapy would help us?

What a child.

But likely one or more of the following:
Narcissism
Misogyny
Golden child syndrome
Routine jerk
Village Idiot
Mental disorders and zero exec functioning skills
Does. Not. Care. About. You. Or. The. House.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is lazy.
Either discuss w him or plan to deal as you don’t seem like you would consider divorce.

The older I get, the more convinced I am that there is no such thing as lazy. Laziness is simply a struggle that you cannot see. Depression, ADHD, both, family trauma they haven’t processed, etc. approach with compassion. Nobody actually enjoys letting people down. They are often dissociating and beating themselves up for not being able to do what is expected of them.

No. It’s simpler than that.

It’s lack of self discipline.

Much more fun and easy to do what you want, when you want. Or impress the guys at work instead, plus make money. Womens work?, blech.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can be 'fixed' if they are willing but it is absolutely valid for you to be losing respect/attraction to him. I would explain this to him. You are attracted to a capable man who can handle things and do things well, especially the easy things. It is not hot to be married to a manchild.

Say it again for the losers in the back!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all men are like this. You got a lemon. Sorry. Does he at least have a high paying job? Don’t have any more kids with him. Tell him to get a vasectomy.

You do your laundry and the kids laundry and the sheets. Let him do his own and the towels. It’s hard to screw up towels.

Hire as much help as you can.

NP. My DH only does his laundry now. He messed up the towels bc lazy.

But he only every 6 weeks or so when he has absolutely zero underwear left (he never packs more than a few pairs for trips so he has a sampling from Uniqlos and Zaras from every continent but Africa and Antarctica). It’s always a Sunday and he’ll get mad if he can’t do 7 loads in a row. And he insists on air drying everything but never quite puts it away, so it’s a jungle of air drying clothes on racks and on hangers on doorframes. And then we start the workweek pawing our way through his damp clothing which he doesn’t do anything with until Saturday. Then he piles it on the dryer in anticipation of fluffing it, which never actually happens, so he just gets dressed adjacent to the dryer for the remaining 5 weeks.

LOL. Thanks for the chuckle.

[Anonymous]

This is way, way out of control ADHD. How does this man even hold down a job?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all men are like this. You got a lemon. Sorry. Does he at least have a high paying job? Don’t have any more kids with him. Tell him to get a vasectomy.

You do your laundry and the kids laundry and the sheets. Let him do his own and the towels. It’s hard to screw up towels.

Hire as much help as you can.

NP. My DH only does his laundry now. He messed up the towels bc lazy.

But he only every 6 weeks or so when he has absolutely zero underwear left (he never packs more than a few pairs for trips so he has a sampling from Uniqlos and Zaras from every continent but Africa and Antarctica). It’s always a Sunday and he’ll get mad if he can’t do 7 loads in a row. And he insists on air drying everything but never quite puts it away, so it’s a jungle of air drying clothes on racks and on hangers on doorframes. And then we start the workweek pawing our way through his damp clothing which he doesn’t do anything with until Saturday. Then he piles it on the dryer in anticipation of fluffing it, which never actually happens, so he just gets dressed adjacent to the dryer for the remaining 5 weeks.

This is insanity! How do people live like this? My toddler has more skills than these men.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all men are like this. You got a lemon. Sorry. Does he at least have a high paying job? Don’t have any more kids with him. Tell him to get a vasectomy.

You do your laundry and the kids laundry and the sheets. Let him do his own and the towels. It’s hard to screw up towels.

Hire as much help as you can.

NP. My DH only does his laundry now. He messed up the towels bc lazy.

But he only every 6 weeks or so when he has absolutely zero underwear left (he never packs more than a few pairs for trips so he has a sampling from Uniqlos and Zaras from every continent but Africa and Antarctica). It’s always a Sunday and he’ll get mad if he can’t do 7 loads in a row. And he insists on air drying everything but never quite puts it away, so it’s a jungle of air drying clothes on racks and on hangers on doorframes. And then we start the workweek pawing our way through his damp clothing which he doesn’t do anything with until Saturday. Then he piles it on the dryer in anticipation of fluffing it, which never actually happens, so he just gets dressed adjacent to the dryer for the remaining 5 weeks.

This is insanity! How do people live like this? My toddler has more skills than these men.

I’m the poster you’re replying to and yes, my child has been more capable from a very early age. Since I posted DH and I have separated promoted by an acute incident unrelated to laundry, but I can’t say that laundry and manchilding wasn’t in the back of my head when it all went down.

[Anonymous]

^sorry for the typos above. Prompted by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all men are like this. You got a lemon. Sorry. Does he at least have a high paying job? Don’t have any more kids with him. Tell him to get a vasectomy.

You do your laundry and the kids laundry and the sheets. Let him do his own and the towels. It’s hard to screw up towels.

Hire as much help as you can.

NP. My DH only does his laundry now. He messed up the towels bc lazy.

But he only every 6 weeks or so when he has absolutely zero underwear left (he never packs more than a few pairs for trips so he has a sampling from Uniqlos and Zaras from every continent but Africa and Antarctica). It’s always a Sunday and he’ll get mad if he can’t do 7 loads in a row. And he insists on air drying everything but never quite puts it away, so it’s a jungle of air drying clothes on racks and on hangers on doorframes. And then we start the workweek pawing our way through his damp clothing which he doesn’t do anything with until Saturday. Then he piles it on the dryer in anticipation of fluffing it, which never actually happens, so he just gets dressed adjacent to the dryer for the remaining 5 weeks.

This is insanity! How do people live like this? My toddler has more skills than these men.

I’m the poster you’re replying to and yes, my child has been more capable from a very early age. Since I posted DH and I have separated promoted by an acute incident unrelated to laundry, but I can’t say that laundry and manchilding wasn’t in the back of my head when it all went down.

You separated from your husband in the last 5 days? You posted the above and called him your DH and now you're separated? Did posting the above help you get there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else have a spouse who seems to do the bare minimum or half ass everything? I’m incredibly stressed out with him and finding it difficult to be attracted to him.

Example:

He'll do a load of laundry but forgets about it for days. If he does manage to toss it in the dryer, it often comes out still damp, which means I end up rewashing it anyway.

Putting away the laundry? Great idea! But where are all my underwear? Oh, they’re in the toddler’s drawer, and the kids’ clothes are mixed in with the bathroom towels.

He can load the dishwasher to the brim but never actually starts it. I genuinely don't get this one! Is he too lazy to add the detergent?

When he offers to put away leftovers, I end up with food on a plate without a cover just sitting in the fridge.

He’ll take out the trash but never replaces the bag.

And those trash bags? They sit on our back porch until pickup day.

He might offer to cook dinner but ends up absolutely destroying the kitchen in the process, leaving me to cleanup.

He volunteers to pick up groceries but forgets important items (even with reminders, texts, and lists).

He neglects the dog’s water bowl and food dish. If it weren’t for me they would have died from dehydration by now. He thinks it’s ok to never wash their dishes.

I don’t mind restocking the diaper bag, but he will leave wet clothes, dirty diapers, dirty bottles in there (for me to find).

Gives our toddler a bath but doesn’t wash soap out properly or brush her hair.

These are just a few. There are many more examples.

Is there any hope for him and us? Are my expectations too high? Do you think therapy would help us?

What a child.

But likely one or more of the following:
Narcissism
Misogyny
Golden child syndrome
Routine jerk
Village Idiot
Mental disorders and zero exec functioning skills
Does. Not. Care. About. You. Or. The. House.

+1

Btw folks, “caring” is an action word. Something you demonstrate. Not something you merely say you are. Show it, don’t tell it.