Husband lazy/half asses everything

[Anonymous]

Me again. Try not to say lazy or half ass (I admitted say both); it's a disability. The reason it's showing up now is the the kids' requirements are pushing him past his abilities and you have less bandwidth to pick up the slack.

[Anonymous]

In my case, my DH does very little around the house or with kids. He sticks to his job and that’s about it. He is a good provider. I don’t think he’s ever done laundry. He’ll clean up in the kitchen maybe once a month. I do have a housekeeper. It works for us.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is lazy.
Either discuss w him or plan to deal as you don’t seem like you would consider divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here we go again. Divorce is the only option.

This is OP. Are you being sarcastic? We have 2 very young children. When I think about divorce I feel very guilty for blowing up their life.

I divorced mine, kids were 8 and 3. Zero regrets. Life is so much better without him. Kids struggled for a couple months but then were fine. Honestly they’re happier with 2 happy parents than in a house where everyone is miserable.

[Anonymous]

I have discovered that my exact same resentments with DH stem from the feeling I get that he doesn’t care. And mostly that his half assing things is an illustration of how much effort he puts into our relationship too, which is next to nothing. That’s why it bothers me so much.

The things that are a result of ADHD, forgetting laundry, forgetting to replace trash bags, etc are fine. It would be the putting clothes away in the wrong place or doing a crap job at bath time that really bother me. Those are two different things altogether I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is lazy.
Either discuss w him or plan to deal as you don’t seem like you would consider divorce.

The older I get, the more convinced I am that there is no such thing as lazy. Laziness is simply a struggle that you cannot see. Depression, ADHD, both, family trauma they haven’t processed, etc. approach with compassion. Nobody actually enjoys letting people down. They are often dissociating and beating themselves up for not being able to do what is expected of them.

[Anonymous]

Strategic incompetence. He knows, on some level, as long as he does a crappy job, you’ll pick up the slack and he’ll have to do less.

If you talk to him and he wants to improve and you see some improvement (ie - he’s bad at things the first time, but then gets better), okay, maybe it’s ADHD, you can work with him.

But strategic incompetence? Call him out, and if he doesn’t change, divorce.

[Anonymous]

It can be 'fixed' if they are willing but it is absolutely valid for you to be losing respect/attraction to him. I would explain this to him. You are attracted to a capable man who can handle things and do things well, especially the easy things. It is not hot to be married to a manchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is lazy.
Either discuss w him or plan to deal as you don’t seem like you would consider divorce.

The older I get, the more convinced I am that there is no such thing as lazy. Laziness is simply a struggle that you cannot see. Depression, ADHD, both, family trauma they haven’t processed, etc. approach with compassion. Nobody actually enjoys letting people down. They are often dissociating and beating themselves up for not being able to do what is expected of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire a ADHD Coach or therapist.

A practical strategy would be to give him a domain, and give him time to own and perfect it. Communicate with him on ways that will support whatever internal system he that developed to remember. If it’s laundry, then it’s possible he will want color coded baskets to sort. He’ll need a designated day or timer set.

Be patient and trust the process. Get therapy for yourself to learn how to manage and better communicate.

My lord it is not her job to do this. He needs to do it. This would really affect my attraction to him if I had to treat him like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is lazy.
Either discuss w him or plan to deal as you don’t seem like you would consider divorce.

The older I get, the more convinced I am that there is no such thing as lazy. Laziness is simply a struggle that you cannot see. Depression, ADHD, both, family trauma they haven’t processed, etc. approach with compassion. Nobody actually enjoys letting people down. They are often dissociating and beating themselves up for not being able to do what is expected of them.

I’m the opposite - the older I get, the more I realize it’s laziness and just plain selfishness. I’ve known so many people who claimed ADHD/depression/trauma/etc while married, yet as soon as their spouse divorced them, they suddenly got it together and were able to function. Amazing what consequences like “you’ll be evicted” or “you’ll starve” can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all men are like this. You got a lemon. Sorry. Does he at least have a high paying job? Don’t have any more kids with him. Tell him to get a vasectomy.

You do your laundry and the kids laundry and the sheets. Let him do his own and the towels. It’s hard to screw up towels.

Hire as much help as you can.

NP. My DH only does his laundry now. He messed up the towels bc lazy.

But he only every 6 weeks or so when he has absolutely zero underwear left (he never packs more than a few pairs for trips so he has a sampling from Uniqlos and Zaras from every continent but Africa and Antarctica). It’s always a Sunday and he’ll get mad if he can’t do 7 loads in a row. And he insists on air drying everything but never quite puts it away, so it’s a jungle of air drying clothes on racks and on hangers on doorframes. And then we start the workweek pawing our way through his damp clothing which he doesn’t do anything with until Saturday. Then he piles it on the dryer in anticipation of fluffing it, which never actually happens, so he just gets dressed adjacent to the dryer for the remaining 5 weeks.

i would remove his underwear so he has 1 - 2 weeks max. nobody needs to let their laundry pile up for 6 weeks. ridiculous!

it is much easier to do 1 - 2 weeks of laundry than 6!

[Anonymous]

I divorced mine. I started losing respect for him, started handling everyone myself because he was incapable, incompetent or just felt like his time was more valuable in mine and ultimately he stopped bringing anything to the marriage. And no, he was fully capable when I met him. He devolved after almost 20 years together. And no, I didn’t nag him, didn’t treat him like a child, didn’t emasculate him. He just didn’t care enough.

Life without him is so much easier. I had one less child to take care of. Almost ten years later and I’m remarried to a true partner. So they are out there.

Sorry I don’t have better news OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have ADHD or some other executive function issue? It definitely sounds like it.

No excuse. Lazy. Tell him to get on meds asap. or at least 2-3 days/week so he can do his chores like an adult.
Seriously, go back to work and travel or take a month trip somewhere, so he learns how to function as an adult in his own home. and then invite his family over on his last day alone, so he's responsible for cleaning the house for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire a ADHD Coach or therapist.

A practical strategy would be to give him a domain, and give him time to own and perfect it. Communicate with him on ways that will support whatever internal system he that developed to remember. If it’s laundry, then it’s possible he will want color coded baskets to sort. He’ll need a designated day or timer set.

Be patient and trust the process. Get therapy for yourself to learn how to manage and better communicate.

She doesn't need another child to manage. He needs to step up and better himself