Parent letting child use our pool toys

[Anonymous]

My kids always shared their toys at pools and playgrounds and other kids shared with them usually. And everyone has fun. I wouldn’t bring toys to a playground or pool unless I was willing to share them. Teach your kids to be kind and generous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You realize that what you consider rules for sharing or not sharing your toys at a community pool are rules you have in your head, right? They aren’t actual rules and you can’t expect everyone to use the same rules you made up!

NP. I think people just using their own stuff is a pretty classic “rule”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I agree the other child should not have ignored OP’s no but I also think she’s a little ridiculous. I love at the pool everyone is a new friend. We always bring toys and my husband and I are both “play in the pool” parents so yeah other kids want to join in! I have had very similar situations and handled it by asking the other child to make sure both kids could get some diving toys and/or saying hey this one’s for Larla and this one’s for you depending on how old they were. The person who said she wanted your attention was very likely right. 95 percent of the time it’s the kids with completely checked out parents who are all over games with an adult. Why not take the chance to demonstrate the right way to play?

Also at our pool the unspoken rule is if you aren’t playing with a toy it’s up for grabs. You just ask for it back before you leave.

Where does an unspoken rule like this come from? Seriously question. Why isn't the unspoken rule "if it's not yours, don't mess with it?"

DP. If my young kids are at the kiddie pool
and your kids have scattered dozens of toys all around, I am not policing my kid. And I don't expect you to police your kid if mine has left their toys around a community pool. Leave all that stuff at home if you can't share some of it.

I remember teaching my 3 year old that when he was upset that some other toddler took the truck he had left when he went to go on the swings. When you’re in a community area (a park) and you’re not using a toy, your toys are fair game. You can’t share, you leave it at home. How does OP expect people to distinguish her kid’s stuff from the community pool stuff?

Should be quite easy for the child to distinguish once OP said it belonged to them....

OP: exactly, there are community toys! Plenty of toys to play with. The entire reason we bring our own is so that my children aren’t using a. the community toys, which someone else obviously may be using, and b. so that we have reliable access to diving practice (I.e. by bringing our own which we can be responsible for). I repeat that I do not care about the dumb toys and I would have literally purchased an additional toy for the other child if I knew she was going to be demanding my kid’s. But it is the principle that my very well-behaved children witness increasingly obnoxious behavior of children who are evidently never told NO, to the point that they demand their guardians override another adult’s refusal to hand over their own things.

How old are these children?

I think your are a bit OTT describing her as demanding.

You talk about your well-behaved children but you failed to model good behavior. You failed to share something even though you had plenty to share. You failed to politely say no. Ultimately, you failed to be generous to a child who just wanted to play.

BTW, to another poster, diving for things on the bottom of the pool teaches and reinforces a lot of swimming skills for little kids. OP isn’t wrong about everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree the other child should not have ignored OP’s no but I also think she’s a little ridiculous. I love at the pool everyone is a new friend. We always bring toys and my husband and I are both “play in the pool” parents so yeah other kids want to join in! I have had very similar situations and handled it by asking the other child to make sure both kids could get some diving toys and/or saying hey this one’s for Larla and this one’s for you depending on how old they were. The person who said she wanted your attention was very likely right. 95 percent of the time it’s the kids with completely checked out parents who are all over games with an adult. Why not take the chance to demonstrate the right way to play?

Also at our pool the unspoken rule is if you aren’t playing with a toy it’s up for grabs. You just ask for it back before you leave.

Where does an unspoken rule like this come from? Seriously question. Why isn't the unspoken rule "if it's not yours, don't mess with it?"

DP. If my young kids are at the kiddie pool
and your kids have scattered dozens of toys all around, I am not policing my kid. And I don't expect you to police your kid if mine has left their toys around a community pool. Leave all that stuff at home if you can't share some of it.

I remember teaching my 3 year old that when he was upset that some other toddler took the truck he had left when he went to go on the swings. When you’re in a community area (a park) and you’re not using a toy, your toys are fair game. You can’t share, you leave it at home. How does OP expect people to distinguish her kid’s stuff from the community pool stuff?

Should be quite easy for the child to distinguish once OP said it belonged to them....

OP: exactly, there are community toys! Plenty of toys to play with. The entire reason we bring our own is so that my children aren’t using a. the community toys, which someone else obviously may be using, and b. so that we have reliable access to diving practice (I.e. by bringing our own which we can be responsible for). I repeat that I do not care about the dumb toys and I would have literally purchased an additional toy for the other child if I knew she was going to be demanding my kid’s. But it is the principle that my very well-behaved children witness increasingly obnoxious behavior of children who are evidently never told NO, to the point that they demand their guardians override another adult’s refusal to hand over their own things.

How old are these children?

I think your are a bit OTT describing her as demanding.

You talk about your well-behaved children but you failed to model good behavior. You failed to share something even though you had plenty to share. You failed to politely say no. Ultimately, you failed to be generous to a child who just wanted to play.

BTW, to another poster, diving for things on the bottom of the pool teaches and reinforces a lot of swimming skills for little kids. OP isn’t wrong about everything.

She did politely say no and even offered a reasonable alternative to the girl the first time.

What she didn't do is double down on it and embarrass Grandpa and the girl in public. I think that's the right amount of politeness and social skills given this situation.

I strongly disagree that OP having what you deem as plenty obligates her to share, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree the other child should not have ignored OP’s no but I also think she’s a little ridiculous. I love at the pool everyone is a new friend. We always bring toys and my husband and I are both “play in the pool” parents so yeah other kids want to join in! I have had very similar situations and handled it by asking the other child to make sure both kids could get some diving toys and/or saying hey this one’s for Larla and this one’s for you depending on how old they were. The person who said she wanted your attention was very likely right. 95 percent of the time it’s the kids with completely checked out parents who are all over games with an adult. Why not take the chance to demonstrate the right way to play?

Also at our pool the unspoken rule is if you aren’t playing with a toy it’s up for grabs. You just ask for it back before you leave.

Where does an unspoken rule like this come from? Seriously question. Why isn't the unspoken rule "if it's not yours, don't mess with it?"

DP. If my young kids are at the kiddie pool
and your kids have scattered dozens of toys all around, I am not policing my kid. And I don't expect you to police your kid if mine has left their toys around a community pool. Leave all that stuff at home if you can't share some of it.

I remember teaching my 3 year old that when he was upset that some other toddler took the truck he had left when he went to go on the swings. When you’re in a community area (a park) and you’re not using a toy, your toys are fair game. You can’t share, you leave it at home. How does OP expect people to distinguish her kid’s stuff from the community pool stuff?

Should be quite easy for the child to distinguish once OP said it belonged to them....

OP: exactly, there are community toys! Plenty of toys to play with. The entire reason we bring our own is so that my children aren’t using a. the community toys, which someone else obviously may be using, and b. so that we have reliable access to diving practice (I.e. by bringing our own which we can be responsible for). I repeat that I do not care about the dumb toys and I would have literally purchased an additional toy for the other child if I knew she was going to be demanding my kid’s. But it is the principle that my very well-behaved children witness increasingly obnoxious behavior of children who are evidently never told NO, to the point that they demand their guardians override another adult’s refusal to hand over their own things.

How old are these children?

I think your are a bit OTT describing her as demanding.

You talk about your well-behaved children but you failed to model good behavior. You failed to share something even though you had plenty to share. You failed to politely say no. Ultimately, you failed to be generous to a child who just wanted to play.

BTW, to another poster, diving for things on the bottom of the pool teaches and reinforces a lot of swimming skills for little kids. OP isn’t wrong about everything.

She did politely say no and even offered a reasonable alternative to the girl the first time.

What she didn't do is double down on it and embarrass Grandpa and the girl in public. I think that's the right amount of politeness and social skills given this situation.

I strongly disagree that OP having what you deem as plenty obligates her to share, though.

+1. I probably would have politely pointed out to the grandpa that there are a bunch of similar toys provided by the pool, since he may not have known.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women in their 60s see what’s going on just fine. They just don’t care about this kind of petty shyte anymore. You and OP will get there one day if you’re lucky.

I am 45 and don’t care either. 😀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree the other child should not have ignored OP’s no but I also think she’s a little ridiculous. I love at the pool everyone is a new friend. We always bring toys and my husband and I are both “play in the pool” parents so yeah other kids want to join in! I have had very similar situations and handled it by asking the other child to make sure both kids could get some diving toys and/or saying hey this one’s for Larla and this one’s for you depending on how old they were. The person who said she wanted your attention was very likely right. 95 percent of the time it’s the kids with completely checked out parents who are all over games with an adult. Why not take the chance to demonstrate the right way to play?

Also at our pool the unspoken rule is if you aren’t playing with a toy it’s up for grabs. You just ask for it back before you leave.

Where does an unspoken rule like this come from? Seriously question. Why isn't the unspoken rule "if it's not yours, don't mess with it?"

DP. If my young kids are at the kiddie pool
and your kids have scattered dozens of toys all around, I am not policing my kid. And I don't expect you to police your kid if mine has left their toys around a community pool. Leave all that stuff at home if you can't share some of it.

I remember teaching my 3 year old that when he was upset that some other toddler took the truck he had left when he went to go on the swings. When you’re in a community area (a park) and you’re not using a toy, your toys are fair game. You can’t share, you leave it at home. How does OP expect people to distinguish her kid’s stuff from the community pool stuff?

Should be quite easy for the child to distinguish once OP said it belonged to them....

OP: exactly, there are community toys! Plenty of toys to play with. The entire reason we bring our own is so that my children aren’t using a. the community toys, which someone else obviously may be using, and b. so that we have reliable access to diving practice (I.e. by bringing our own which we can be responsible for). I repeat that I do not care about the dumb toys and I would have literally purchased an additional toy for the other child if I knew she was going to be demanding my kid’s. But it is the principle that my very well-behaved children witness increasingly obnoxious behavior of children who are evidently never told NO, to the point that they demand their guardians override another adult’s refusal to hand over their own things.

How old are these children?

I think your are a bit OTT describing her as demanding.

You talk about your well-behaved children but you failed to model good behavior. You failed to share something even though you had plenty to share. You failed to politely say no. Ultimately, you failed to be generous to a child who just wanted to play.

BTW, to another poster, diving for things on the bottom of the pool teaches and reinforces a lot of swimming skills for little kids. OP isn’t wrong about everything.

She did politely say no and even offered a reasonable alternative to the girl the first time.

What she didn't do is double down on it and embarrass Grandpa and the girl in public. I think that's the right amount of politeness and social skills given this situation.

I strongly disagree that OP having what you deem as plenty obligates her to share, though.

She isn’t obliged to share. Where did anyone say that? It would have been the best of her many options though. Why not share when you have more than enough for yourself? Bad example for both children.

[Anonymous]

7:21 here. One thing bothers me about OP having "plenty" obligating her to share is that it communicates to her kid that his preferences don't matter, that he's less important to her than a stranger. This can extend to him not feeling heard or valued.

There are times to share, and generosity is good, yes, but every time someone wants something of yours is not where I think the line should be. That just creates pushovers who shy away from actual generosity because they're not solid in who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree the other child should not have ignored OP’s no but I also think she’s a little ridiculous. I love at the pool everyone is a new friend. We always bring toys and my husband and I are both “play in the pool” parents so yeah other kids want to join in! I have had very similar situations and handled it by asking the other child to make sure both kids could get some diving toys and/or saying hey this one’s for Larla and this one’s for you depending on how old they were. The person who said she wanted your attention was very likely right. 95 percent of the time it’s the kids with completely checked out parents who are all over games with an adult. Why not take the chance to demonstrate the right way to play?

Also at our pool the unspoken rule is if you aren’t playing with a toy it’s up for grabs. You just ask for it back before you leave.

Where does an unspoken rule like this come from? Seriously question. Why isn't the unspoken rule "if it's not yours, don't mess with it?"

DP. If my young kids are at the kiddie pool
and your kids have scattered dozens of toys all around, I am not policing my kid. And I don't expect you to police your kid if mine has left their toys around a community pool. Leave all that stuff at home if you can't share some of it.

I don't take anything I'd be devastated to lose to the pool because I figure things can get lost in the shuffle, mixed up, or forgotten. But I also don't think just because I'd be okay if a toy got lost that it follows that others should knowingly take it.

If my kid picks up someone else's water gun, I ask them if they know whose it is and if they've asked to borrow it and if they didn't ask, they stop playing with it or ask now.

I don't let my kids walk off with other kids toys. But if it's floating around in the pool they can use it and vice versa. People can pick up their things in community spaces if they care- one could also say it's rude to leave all that stuff all over the place I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree the other child should not have ignored OP’s no but I also think she’s a little ridiculous. I love at the pool everyone is a new friend. We always bring toys and my husband and I are both “play in the pool” parents so yeah other kids want to join in! I have had very similar situations and handled it by asking the other child to make sure both kids could get some diving toys and/or saying hey this one’s for Larla and this one’s for you depending on how old they were. The person who said she wanted your attention was very likely right. 95 percent of the time it’s the kids with completely checked out parents who are all over games with an adult. Why not take the chance to demonstrate the right way to play?

Also at our pool the unspoken rule is if you aren’t playing with a toy it’s up for grabs. You just ask for it back before you leave.

Where does an unspoken rule like this come from? Seriously question. Why isn't the unspoken rule "if it's not yours, don't mess with it?"

DP. If my young kids are at the kiddie pool
and your kids have scattered dozens of toys all around, I am not policing my kid. And I don't expect you to police your kid if mine has left their toys around a community pool. Leave all that stuff at home if you can't share some of it.

I remember teaching my 3 year old that when he was upset that some other toddler took the truck he had left when he went to go on the swings. When you’re in a community area (a park) and you’re not using a toy, your toys are fair game. You can’t share, you leave it at home. How does OP expect people to distinguish her kid’s stuff from the community pool stuff?

Should be quite easy for the child to distinguish once OP said it belonged to them....

OP: exactly, there are community toys! Plenty of toys to play with. The entire reason we bring our own is so that my children aren’t using a. the community toys, which someone else obviously may be using, and b. so that we have reliable access to diving practice (I.e. by bringing our own which we can be responsible for). I repeat that I do not care about the dumb toys and I would have literally purchased an additional toy for the other child if I knew she was going to be demanding my kid’s. But it is the principle that my very well-behaved children witness increasingly obnoxious behavior of children who are evidently never told NO, to the point that they demand their guardians override another adult’s refusal to hand over their own things.

How old are these children?

I think your are a bit OTT describing her as demanding.

You talk about your well-behaved children but you failed to model good behavior. You failed to share something even though you had plenty to share. You failed to politely say no. Ultimately, you failed to be generous to a child who just wanted to play.

BTW, to another poster, diving for things on the bottom of the pool teaches and reinforces a lot of swimming skills for little kids. OP isn’t wrong about everything.

She did politely say no and even offered a reasonable alternative to the girl the first time.

What she didn't do is double down on it and embarrass Grandpa and the girl in public. I think that's the right amount of politeness and social skills given this situation.

I strongly disagree that OP having what you deem as plenty obligates her to share, though.

She isn’t obliged to share. Where did anyone say that? It would have been the best of her many options though. Why not share when you have more than enough for yourself? Bad example for both children.

I read this as social obligation in the PP's opinion (and many other posters have said similar): "You talk about your well-behaved children but you failed to model good behavior. You failed to share something even though you had plenty to share."

She's being called out for being bad. Why can't not sharing simply be neutral?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:70% of DCUM have no social skills. Share if you want. If you don’t, say, “I’m sorry. We’re practicing. If you’d like dive toys, there are some over there.”

+1 op doesn’t have the social skills needed to be at a community pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:70% of DCUM have no social skills. Share if you want. If you don’t, say, “I’m sorry. We’re practicing. If you’d like dive toys, there are some over there.”

+1 op doesn’t have the social skills needed to be at a community pool.

She did say that! She didn't repeat it because she thought Grandpa had heard it the first time. Seems to me OP was acting appropriately gracious in the moment.

If you don't like her resenting it and complaining about it now, that's a separate matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree the other child should not have ignored OP’s no but I also think she’s a little ridiculous. I love at the pool everyone is a new friend. We always bring toys and my husband and I are both “play in the pool” parents so yeah other kids want to join in! I have had very similar situations and handled it by asking the other child to make sure both kids could get some diving toys and/or saying hey this one’s for Larla and this one’s for you depending on how old they were. The person who said she wanted your attention was very likely right. 95 percent of the time it’s the kids with completely checked out parents who are all over games with an adult. Why not take the chance to demonstrate the right way to play?

Also at our pool the unspoken rule is if you aren’t playing with a toy it’s up for grabs. You just ask for it back before you leave.

Where does an unspoken rule like this come from? Seriously question. Why isn't the unspoken rule "if it's not yours, don't mess with it?"

DP. If my young kids are at the kiddie pool
and your kids have scattered dozens of toys all around, I am not policing my kid. And I don't expect you to police your kid if mine has left their toys around a community pool. Leave all that stuff at home if you can't share some of it.

I don't take anything I'd be devastated to lose to the pool because I figure things can get lost in the shuffle, mixed up, or forgotten. But I also don't think just because I'd be okay if a toy got lost that it follows that others should knowingly take it.

If my kid picks up someone else's water gun, I ask them if they know whose it is and if they've asked to borrow it and if they didn't ask, they stop playing with it or ask now.

That's what this kid and grandpa did. Grandpa had the kid ask now.

If I had been in OP's shoes, I would have made a game both kids could play, whether that was throwing two and racing (adjusting the distance for skill) or taking turns, or throwing for each other. But OP wasn't obligated to to do that.

If I had been in Grandpa's shoes, and my kid came and asked me if they could play with someone else's toys, I would have said they needed to ask. If the other parent then told them no, I'd make sure that no was enforced, but I'd start by telling my kid to ask.

If a kid asked me to play with my kid's toys, and I didn't want to, I would say no. I don't understand why Grandpa gets blamed because OP didn't say no, and then complains that no one ever says no to kids. OP was the one in the position to say no here, and she didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:21 here. One thing bothers me about OP having "plenty" obligating her to share is that it communicates to her kid that his preferences don't matter, that he's less important to her than a stranger. This can extend to him not feeling heard or valued.

There are times to share, and generosity is good, yes, but every time someone wants something of yours is not where I think the line should be. That just creates pushovers who shy away from actual generosity because they're not solid in who they are.

OP had other toys. She could have lent one to the other child and her child would still have had the original dive toy. She would have shown her child that yes, I see you and your dilemma and I made sure you get your toy. But I also can share out of our abundance. Both can happen at the same time. And her child would have had practice sharing.

[Anonymous]

The thread title is misleading.