Parent letting child use our pool toys

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree the other child should not have ignored OP’s no but I also think she’s a little ridiculous. I love at the pool everyone is a new friend. We always bring toys and my husband and I are both “play in the pool” parents so yeah other kids want to join in! I have had very similar situations and handled it by asking the other child to make sure both kids could get some diving toys and/or saying hey this one’s for Larla and this one’s for you depending on how old they were. The person who said she wanted your attention was very likely right. 95 percent of the time it’s the kids with completely checked out parents who are all over games with an adult. Why not take the chance to demonstrate the right way to play?

Also at our pool the unspoken rule is if you aren’t playing with a toy it’s up for grabs. You just ask for it back before you leave.

Where does an unspoken rule like this come from? Seriously question. Why isn't the unspoken rule "if it's not yours, don't mess with it?"

DP. If my young kids are at the kiddie pool
and your kids have scattered dozens of toys all around, I am not policing my kid. And I don't expect you to police your kid if mine has left their toys around a community pool. Leave all that stuff at home if you can't share some of it.

I remember teaching my 3 year old that when he was upset that some other toddler took the truck he had left when he went to go on the swings. When you’re in a community area (a park) and you’re not using a toy, your toys are fair game. You can’t share, you leave it at home. How does OP expect people to distinguish her kid’s stuff from the community pool stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree the other child should not have ignored OP’s no but I also think she’s a little ridiculous. I love at the pool everyone is a new friend. We always bring toys and my husband and I are both “play in the pool” parents so yeah other kids want to join in! I have had very similar situations and handled it by asking the other child to make sure both kids could get some diving toys and/or saying hey this one’s for Larla and this one’s for you depending on how old they were. The person who said she wanted your attention was very likely right. 95 percent of the time it’s the kids with completely checked out parents who are all over games with an adult. Why not take the chance to demonstrate the right way to play?

Also at our pool the unspoken rule is if you aren’t playing with a toy it’s up for grabs. You just ask for it back before you leave.

Where does an unspoken rule like this come from? Seriously question. Why isn't the unspoken rule "if it's not yours, don't mess with it?"

DP. If my young kids are at the kiddie pool
and your kids have scattered dozens of toys all around, I am not policing my kid. And I don't expect you to police your kid if mine has left their toys around a community pool. Leave all that stuff at home if you can't share some of it.

I remember teaching my 3 year old that when he was upset that some other toddler took the truck he had left when he went to go on the swings. When you’re in a community area (a park) and you’re not using a toy, your toys are fair game. You can’t share, you leave it at home. How does OP expect people to distinguish her kid’s stuff from the community pool stuff?

Should be quite easy for the child to distinguish once OP said it belonged to them....

[Anonymous]

You should have said NO to him. I would have.

[Anonymous]

I always write our last name on any pool toys as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree the other child should not have ignored OP’s no but I also think she’s a little ridiculous. I love at the pool everyone is a new friend. We always bring toys and my husband and I are both “play in the pool” parents so yeah other kids want to join in! I have had very similar situations and handled it by asking the other child to make sure both kids could get some diving toys and/or saying hey this one’s for Larla and this one’s for you depending on how old they were. The person who said she wanted your attention was very likely right. 95 percent of the time it’s the kids with completely checked out parents who are all over games with an adult. Why not take the chance to demonstrate the right way to play?

Also at our pool the unspoken rule is if you aren’t playing with a toy it’s up for grabs. You just ask for it back before you leave.

Where does an unspoken rule like this come from? Seriously question. Why isn't the unspoken rule "if it's not yours, don't mess with it?"

DP. If my young kids are at the kiddie pool
and your kids have scattered dozens of toys all around, I am not policing my kid. And I don't expect you to police your kid if mine has left their toys around a community pool. Leave all that stuff at home if you can't share some of it.

I remember teaching my 3 year old that when he was upset that some other toddler took the truck he had left when he went to go on the swings. When you’re in a community area (a park) and you’re not using a toy, your toys are fair game. You can’t share, you leave it at home. How does OP expect people to distinguish her kid’s stuff from the community pool stuff?

Should be quite easy for the child to distinguish once OP said it belonged to them....

OP: exactly, there are community toys! Plenty of toys to play with. The entire reason we bring our own is so that my children aren’t using a. the community toys, which someone else obviously may be using, and b. so that we have reliable access to diving practice (I.e. by bringing our own which we can be responsible for). I repeat that I do not care about the dumb toys and I would have literally purchased an additional toy for the other child if I knew she was going to be demanding my kid’s. But it is the principle that my very well-behaved children witness increasingly obnoxious behavior of children who are evidently never told NO, to the point that they demand their guardians override another adult’s refusal to hand over their own things.

[Anonymous]

I don't mind sharing the toys we bring to the pool, but it gets old when they walk off. Which happens a lot. So we don't bring them anymore. Because your kid stole them.

I guess entitled jerks have to train their kids somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look. Share the damn toys. Who cares. It teaches your kid to be a nice person. I know it’s kind of annoying, but you sound kind of selfish and rigid.

Plus 100

[Anonymous]

Just say no.

[Anonymous]

Be a grownup. Just say no. Or say yes and be happy. But don’t say yes and stew about a child being told yes… by you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s annoying. People are so entitled and know that you’ll say yes, because saying no would make you look like the pool jerk. There is no winning with people like that.

If you don’t care whether this type of person causes a scene if you say no, you’re totally within your rights to say, “Sorry. These are for my children to enjoy.”

I know, I thought by saying “these are our personal toys” and showing the child where the community toys were that they would get the hint, but I guess not. I am moreso bothered that the adult in charge wasn’t embarrassed by this child’s utter lack of manners. Like it is so shameful to demand your parent ask for someone else’s things after that person has told you no already.

Ooh, you seem to have grown up with a load of shame and guilt, OP. You need to fix that because it's unhealthy, and understand that few people live their lives in that way. There should NOT be shame in normal social interactions (and this was a normal social interaction). The kid just didn't understand you clearly, and therefore sought clarification from their relative. If you don't want to share, next time start your sentence with a clear NO, and then follow up with "and there are toys over there". If a relative says it's OK, you can continue to say NO clearly and point to the alternative.

There are many cultural differences in saying yes and no. I'm Japanese: in Japan, it's impolite to reply to a request with a direct no, and kids are trained to understand nuance when they ask for something. But I've lived in some countries where the opposite is the case, and people need to hear a no, otherwise they understand yes. Additionally, each family is different. So you shouldn't feel uncomfortable if you are faced with someone who doesn't understand what you're saying. Say it a different way, more clearly.

But it *is* shameful to allow your child to demand other people’s things and then insist you override a stranger’s polite refusal to give them to her. I’m not even bothered by the toys (I literally don’t care, they are like dollar store items); I am bothered by fact that incompetent adults stand around indulging their children in behaviors that would have been considered egregiously rude in my childhood. And that those adults feel no shame about how obnoxious their children appear to others.

She wasn't demanding your things, or she wouldn't have brought them back to you after retrieving them. She was trying to join in a game you were playing with your kid, and your reaction is really over the top. You're literally demonizing a kid here for . . . diving after a sinky that an adult threw in a community pool. Take a breath, seriously.

If she were “joining in a game” she would have actually allowed my kid to retrieve the toy occasionally, but no, she wanted these toys and just helped herself to them. I’m over it. I no longer have any sympathy. I’m tired of teaching my kids to be kind, polite, honest and generous when I am witnessing obnoxious kids ruling their households and commanding their parents like subjects in a little child-centric kingdom.

Do you hear yourself?
You think this grandpa and child should feel shame…and then you let yourself off the hook even though YOU were not able to handle the situation.

She’s a kid. Kids aren’t always great about HOW to join in a game. If you’d been okay with her participating, you could have easily let her know the kids could take turns back and forth retrieving the diving toys. If you are truly trying to teach your kids to be kind and generous, modeling kindness and generosity would be a great way to do it!

Did you have to share? Of course not. And your conversation with the grandpa would have been the opportunity to be clear with your no. Instead you say yes…and then resent him and the child. Bravo!

[Anonymous]

You realize that what you consider rules for sharing or not sharing your toys at a community pool are rules you have in your head, right? They aren’t actual rules and you can’t expect everyone to use the same rules you made up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s annoying. People are so entitled and know that you’ll say yes, because saying no would make you look like the pool jerk. There is no winning with people like that.

If you don’t care whether this type of person causes a scene if you say no, you’re totally within your rights to say, “Sorry. These are for my children to enjoy.”

I know, I thought by saying “these are our personal toys” and showing the child where the community toys were that they would get the hint, but I guess not. I am moreso bothered that the adult in charge wasn’t embarrassed by this child’s utter lack of manners. Like it is so shameful to demand your parent ask for someone else’s things after that person has told you no already.

Ooh, you seem to have grown up with a load of shame and guilt, OP. You need to fix that because it's unhealthy, and understand that few people live their lives in that way. There should NOT be shame in normal social interactions (and this was a normal social interaction). The kid just didn't understand you clearly, and therefore sought clarification from their relative. If you don't want to share, next time start your sentence with a clear NO, and then follow up with "and there are toys over there". If a relative says it's OK, you can continue to say NO clearly and point to the alternative.

There are many cultural differences in saying yes and no. I'm Japanese: in Japan, it's impolite to reply to a request with a direct no, and kids are trained to understand nuance when they ask for something. But I've lived in some countries where the opposite is the case, and people need to hear a no, otherwise they understand yes. Additionally, each family is different. So you shouldn't feel uncomfortable if you are faced with someone who doesn't understand what you're saying. Say it a different way, more clearly.

But it *is* shameful to allow your child to demand other people’s things and then insist you override a stranger’s polite refusal to give them to her. I’m not even bothered by the toys (I literally don’t care, they are like dollar store items); I am bothered by fact that incompetent adults stand around indulging their children in behaviors that would have been considered egregiously rude in my childhood. And that those adults feel no shame about how obnoxious their children appear to others.

She wasn't demanding your things, or she wouldn't have brought them back to you after retrieving them. She was trying to join in a game you were playing with your kid, and your reaction is really over the top. You're literally demonizing a kid here for . . . diving after a sinky that an adult threw in a community pool. Take a breath, seriously.

If she were “joining in a game” she would have actually allowed my kid to retrieve the toy occasionally, but no, she wanted these toys and just helped herself to them. I’m over it. I no longer have any sympathy. I’m tired of teaching my kids to be kind, polite, honest and generous when I am witnessing obnoxious kids ruling their households and commanding their parents like subjects in a little child-centric kingdom.

Do you hear yourself?
You think this grandpa and child should feel shame…and then you let yourself off the hook even though YOU were not able to handle the situation.

She’s a kid. Kids aren’t always great about HOW to join in a game. If you’d been okay with her participating, you could have easily let her know the kids could take turns back and forth retrieving the diving toys. If you are truly trying to teach your kids to be kind and generous, modeling kindness and generosity would be a great way to do it!

Did you have to share? Of course not. And your conversation with the grandpa would have been the opportunity to be clear with your no. Instead you say yes…and then resent him and the child. Bravo!

You designate the kids a color. New strange kid gets blue. You chuck blue as far as you can, maybe into the trees. Continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree the other child should not have ignored OP’s no but I also think she’s a little ridiculous. I love at the pool everyone is a new friend. We always bring toys and my husband and I are both “play in the pool” parents so yeah other kids want to join in! I have had very similar situations and handled it by asking the other child to make sure both kids could get some diving toys and/or saying hey this one’s for Larla and this one’s for you depending on how old they were. The person who said she wanted your attention was very likely right. 95 percent of the time it’s the kids with completely checked out parents who are all over games with an adult. Why not take the chance to demonstrate the right way to play?

Also at our pool the unspoken rule is if you aren’t playing with a toy it’s up for grabs. You just ask for it back before you leave.

Where does an unspoken rule like this come from? Seriously question. Why isn't the unspoken rule "if it's not yours, don't mess with it?"

DP. If my young kids are at the kiddie pool
and your kids have scattered dozens of toys all around, I am not policing my kid. And I don't expect you to police your kid if mine has left their toys around a community pool. Leave all that stuff at home if you can't share some of it.

I remember teaching my 3 year old that when he was upset that some other toddler took the truck he had left when he went to go on the swings. When you’re in a community area (a park) and you’re not using a toy, your toys are fair game. You can’t share, you leave it at home. How does OP expect people to distinguish her kid’s stuff from the community pool stuff?

Should be quite easy for the child to distinguish once OP said it belonged to them....

OP: exactly, there are community toys! Plenty of toys to play with. The entire reason we bring our own is so that my children aren’t using a. the community toys, which someone else obviously may be using, and b. so that we have reliable access to diving practice (I.e. by bringing our own which we can be responsible for). I repeat that I do not care about the dumb toys and I would have literally purchased an additional toy for the other child if I knew she was going to be demanding my kid’s. But it is the principle that my very well-behaved children witness increasingly obnoxious behavior of children who are evidently never told NO, to the point that they demand their guardians override another adult’s refusal to hand over their own things.

What exactly is this "diving" practice you keep referring to? What sort of skill are we trying to build by swimming to the bottom of the pool? (I ask as lifelong swimmer.) In any event, I seem to be in the minority here, but I do not think you are doing any better by your child by teaching them that sharing one measly pool toy is optional. In that moment, I would not have even hesitated to continue allowing that girl to dive for the toy. You could have asked her to take turns, or to please dive for one at a time and allow your own kid to get to some. Was she older than your kid? If not, I'm sensing you were a little jealous that this girl was outgoing and a stronger swimmer. You may not know this, since you don't sound like an experienced parent, girls develop faster than boys. Try not to be so jealous about it. And teach your kid to share.

[Anonymous]

1. grandpas don't say not - that's their job. also probably didn't prepare anything for the pool and so he does what most men of his generation do

2. share. you are at a community pool. your precious pieces of plastic are not that important. if you want toys only your kids use build your own pool

3. you are an adult. why can't an adult say no, we are particular and want these toys to ourselves. why can't you control your embarrassment or is social convention of sharing more important to you and you don't like that.

[Anonymous]

OP do you realize how petty you sound? You dumped a bunch of toys into a community pool and are upset that another kid's grandfather didn't stop her from playing with some.

Either put one toy at a time in the *community* pool or accept the fact that if you have a bunch of unused toys floating around, another kid might play with one. (The horrors!)