Parent letting child use our pool toys

[Anonymous]

Are you sure that Gramps even heard your first exchange with the child? He may be hard of hearing.There's this intermediate stage of hearing loss many people have when they can hear things they focus on but don't pick up background conversations. (It's even possible he has the kind of hearing aids that can't get wet, so he doesn't use them at the pool.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be annoyed at all, OP. If you have several, you can share. That's what I do. It's mildly annoying to remember to ask for it back, because kids forget to return items, but if I'm at a community pool, I behave as a community. Otherwise I'd get my own private pool.

+1 Kid may be obnoxious to go ask Grandpa to ask you when you already said no, but it's a kid, and it may be hard to grasp why some toys in the pool are community toys and some are your precious toys that you brought from your own house. (I personally can't imagine a public pool that chaotic with all these public/private kiddie toys floating around.)

In either case, the amount of anger you have is disproportionate to the wrong you/your child has suffered. Go take a walk in the fresh air. It's summer, and you live a good enough life that this is something you consider a major problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s annoying. People are so entitled and know that you’ll say yes, because saying no would make you look like the pool jerk. There is no winning with people like that.

If you don’t care whether this type of person causes a scene if you say no, you’re totally within your rights to say, “Sorry. These are for my children to enjoy.”

I know, I thought by saying “these are our personal toys” and showing the child where the community toys were that they would get the hint, but I guess not. I am moreso bothered that the adult in charge wasn’t embarrassed by this child’s utter lack of manners. Like it is so shameful to demand your parent ask for someone else’s things after that person has told you no already.

Kid don't get hints -- they're learning what's acceptable and not acceptable. You should have told the grandfather that they were not toys -- they were being used for diving exercises for your own child.

You need to develop a backbone -- you will feel terribly guilty if you continue letting people walk all over your child because you don't have the nerve to speak up, or the skills to speak up while remaining kind and civil. It's important and will continue to be important the more aware your child is of this dynamic -- that you don't have the courage to speak up for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s annoying. People are so entitled and know that you’ll say yes, because saying no would make you look like the pool jerk. There is no winning with people like that.

If you don’t care whether this type of person causes a scene if you say no, you’re totally within your rights to say, “Sorry. These are for my children to enjoy.”

I know, I thought by saying “these are our personal toys” and showing the child where the community toys were that they would get the hint, but I guess not. I am moreso bothered that the adult in charge wasn’t embarrassed by this child’s utter lack of manners. Like it is so shameful to demand your parent ask for someone else’s things after that person has told you no already.

Ooh, you seem to have grown up with a load of shame and guilt, OP. You need to fix that because it's unhealthy, and understand that few people live their lives in that way. There should NOT be shame in normal social interactions (and this was a normal social interaction). The kid just didn't understand you clearly, and therefore sought clarification from their relative. If you don't want to share, next time start your sentence with a clear NO, and then follow up with "and there are toys over there". If a relative says it's OK, you can continue to say NO clearly and point to the alternative.

There are many cultural differences in saying yes and no. I'm Japanese: in Japan, it's impolite to reply to a request with a direct no, and kids are trained to understand nuance when they ask for something. But I've lived in some countries where the opposite is the case, and people need to hear a no, otherwise they understand yes. Additionally, each family is different. So you shouldn't feel uncomfortable if you are faced with someone who doesn't understand what you're saying. Say it a different way, more clearly.

But it *is* shameful to allow your child to demand other people’s things and then insist you override a stranger’s polite refusal to give them to her. I’m not even bothered by the toys (I literally don’t care, they are like dollar store items); I am bothered by fact that incompetent adults stand around indulging their children in behaviors that would have been considered egregiously rude in my childhood. And that those adults feel no shame about how obnoxious their children appear to others.

She wasn't demanding your things, or she wouldn't have brought them back to you after retrieving them. She was trying to join in a game you were playing with your kid, and your reaction is really over the top. You're literally demonizing a kid here for . . . diving after a sinky that an adult threw in a community pool. Take a breath, seriously.

+1 They could have taken turns.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get your frustration in that you were throwing items for your child to retrieve and another child swooped in and grabbed them first. Did your child speak up and say “hey, that was for for me!”?

[Anonymous]

I personally wouldn't care. If I had an extra to spare, I'd happily let the other kid play with it. However, OP, if you're going to be this rigid about your things at the pool, you are going to have to grow a backbone and not be afraid to say, "Oh, actually, I brought these for my kid to use, but the community items are over there."

[Anonymous]

I agree Grandpa might not have heard everything or had the full context, but I don't know why anyone is defending the kid going to him to try to override OP.

However, this seems common. Case in point, someone yesterday asked a mom if our pool toys were theirs, mom said no but everyone plays with everything here. And there are no community toys at our pool, so she knew they were someone else's. The entitlement is baffling to me. I was in hearing distance, not right there, but she didn't try to ask me. A similar thing has happened before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women in their 60s see what’s going on just fine. They just don’t care about this kind of petty shyte anymore. You and OP will get there one day if you’re lucky.

Preach.

[Anonymous]

If my child had more than one no one would have to ask me, I would have let her have some. It’s petty to get upset.

Why wasn’t your son able to get there first? Maybe they could have played a game with her. Throw two in at a time.

[Anonymous]

OP, that child is neglected at home. That child saw you having fun with your own child, and wanted a piece of it. Just a small piece, but a piece. That child isn't getting enough time and attention at home. I was a kid like that, talked too much at school, etc. I would have been right in on trying to get your toy -- er, attention -- at that age. Please don't take it as an insult. That child thought you were cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s annoying. People are so entitled and know that you’ll say yes, because saying no would make you look like the pool jerk. There is no winning with people like that.

If you don’t care whether this type of person causes a scene if you say no, you’re totally within your rights to say, “Sorry. These are for my children to enjoy.”

I know, I thought by saying “these are our personal toys” and showing the child where the community toys were that they would get the hint, but I guess not. I am moreso bothered that the adult in charge wasn’t embarrassed by this child’s utter lack of manners. Like it is so shameful to demand your parent ask for someone else’s things after that person has told you no already.

Ooh, you seem to have grown up with a load of shame and guilt, OP. You need to fix that because it's unhealthy, and understand that few people live their lives in that way. There should NOT be shame in normal social interactions (and this was a normal social interaction). The kid just didn't understand you clearly, and therefore sought clarification from their relative. If you don't want to share, next time start your sentence with a clear NO, and then follow up with "and there are toys over there". If a relative says it's OK, you can continue to say NO clearly and point to the alternative.

There are many cultural differences in saying yes and no. I'm Japanese: in Japan, it's impolite to reply to a request with a direct no, and kids are trained to understand nuance when they ask for something. But I've lived in some countries where the opposite is the case, and people need to hear a no, otherwise they understand yes. Additionally, each family is different. So you shouldn't feel uncomfortable if you are faced with someone who doesn't understand what you're saying. Say it a different way, more clearly.

But it *is* shameful to allow your child to demand other people’s things and then insist you override a stranger’s polite refusal to give them to her. I’m not even bothered by the toys (I literally don’t care, they are like dollar store items); I am bothered by fact that incompetent adults stand around indulging their children in behaviors that would have been considered egregiously rude in my childhood. And that those adults feel no shame about how obnoxious their children appear to others.

She wasn't demanding your things, or she wouldn't have brought them back to you after retrieving them. She was trying to join in a game you were playing with your kid, and your reaction is really over the top. You're literally demonizing a kid here for . . . diving after a sinky that an adult threw in a community pool. Take a breath, seriously.

If she were “joining in a game” she would have actually allowed my kid to retrieve the toy occasionally, but no, she wanted these toys and just helped herself to them. I’m over it. I no longer have any sympathy. I’m tired of teaching my kids to be kind, polite, honest and generous when I am witnessing obnoxious kids ruling their households and commanding their parents like subjects in a little child-centric kingdom.

Why couldn't you just say, "Okay these rings are for (my kid) to retrieve. I'll throw the next set for you.".

Once the kids were both playing, I'd suggest the kids throw rings for each other and go read my book.

[Anonymous]

DCUM example #28 of why the the best money I ever spent was putting in a pool.

[Anonymous]

I think op is the rude one. Why don’t you put a pool in your yard if you don’t want your kid to play with other kids? If my kids bring toys to a pool or playground I tell them they have to share. I prom you your kid will learn more from playing with other kids than you. Land your helicopter.

[Anonymous]

You miss a lot of teaching opportunities here. This was a great moment to:
1. Teach your child to share
2. Teach your child to speak for herself and explain that she wants to get the toys herself.
3. Teach your child how to make friends to play at the pool.

[Anonymous]

You’re the AH here. If you don’t want anyone else touching your stuff, don’t bring it into a public pool. If there’s enough space that you can play privately in one corner while others stay somewhere else, that’s fine. But if it’s crowded and you’re all on top of each other, totally rude of you to expect that others need to stay out of half the pool for your personal use.