ASD gaslighting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now swap the “ASD” disability for “Down Syndrome” and hopefully you can see what a close minded jerk you sound like. You are free to divorce if your husband’s disability is too much for you. But ASD presentation isn’t gaslighting. It’s the outcome of neurological, cognitive and social differences. Understand the difference.

DP, this is apples to oranges. Many young men mask their ASD when they’re young through copy and paste behavior and using alcohol. In fact, it’s only when life becomes even more stressful and difficult that they are unable to mask any longer. You can’t mask with down syndrome. Please tell me how many Neurotypical people you know who have married someone with down syndrome.

How about ASD women? Or are ASD men the only ones with issues? I wish my wife could agree to a psych evaluation so we can rule out ASD. Ya'll on this forum mostly attribute mental health issues to men.

read Dr Kathy Marshack books or websites. Her mother was ASD, which led to her marrying one and having one child with it.
Her story is unfortunately common- as it is so genetic (so how does one know their kid needs help when they are the same), and hopefully people in 2025 are finding better ways forward.

Better ways forward in what sense? Like people on the spectrum shouldn’t be able to reproduce? Yes, it’s 2025, and we no longer talk about the disabled the way that you are taking about it. I don’t see my autistic friends and family as “unfortunately common” as you do. It’s a big world out there and it takes all kinds.

Gawd are you broken record, overly defensive, and totally incorrect every time you post your BS.

Read up on “better ways” for NT/AS relationships to communicate and co-exist.

Well, Autism Wife (that’s what we’re calling you), the only way it will ever get better is to take accountability, open your eyes to the reality of this disability, and own your unhappiness.

If you must, call us Austism Wives. There are many of us

It's as if you had zero control or the ability to pick your partner or reproduce with him.

Lol right?! “He masked for 10 years!”

GMAFB. That’s not how masking works. You either had your head in the sand or are blaming your bad picker on him.

That is how masking works.

Once life layers itself on more and more from the simple bachelor + work days, they enter Shutdown mode, Anger mode, DaRVO mode and the mask falls off at home. They’ll try hard to keep up their masking and image externally, in fact they’ll prioritize that.

They can “hit the wall” in middle school demands, HS demands, young adult demands, married w kids demands. Whatever the threshold, the self-created coping methods cease to work and off goes the mask.

No person who has the issues you claim masks that well. They don't.

Let's be real you ignored things because you were on a timeline for marriage and babies and figured you could change things once married.

Take responsibility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now swap the “ASD” disability for “Down Syndrome” and hopefully you can see what a close minded jerk you sound like. You are free to divorce if your husband’s disability is too much for you. But ASD presentation isn’t gaslighting. It’s the outcome of neurological, cognitive and social differences. Understand the difference.

DP, this is apples to oranges. Many young men mask their ASD when they’re young through copy and paste behavior and using alcohol. In fact, it’s only when life becomes even more stressful and difficult that they are unable to mask any longer. You can’t mask with down syndrome. Please tell me how many Neurotypical people you know who have married someone with down syndrome.

How about ASD women? Or are ASD men the only ones with issues? I wish my wife could agree to a psych evaluation so we can rule out ASD. Ya'll on this forum mostly attribute mental health issues to men.

read Dr Kathy Marshack books or websites. Her mother was ASD, which led to her marrying one and having one child with it.
Her story is unfortunately common- as it is so genetic (so how does one know their kid needs help when they are the same), and hopefully people in 2025 are finding better ways forward.

Better ways forward in what sense? Like people on the spectrum shouldn’t be able to reproduce? Yes, it’s 2025, and we no longer talk about the disabled the way that you are taking about it. I don’t see my autistic friends and family as “unfortunately common” as you do. It’s a big world out there and it takes all kinds.

Gawd are you broken record, overly defensive, and totally incorrect every time you post your BS.

Read up on “better ways” for NT/AS relationships to communicate and co-exist.

Well, Autism Wife (that’s what we’re calling you), the only way it will ever get better is to take accountability, open your eyes to the reality of this disability, and own your unhappiness.

If you must, call us Austism Wives. There are many of us

It's as if you had zero control or the ability to pick your partner or reproduce with him.

Lol right?! “He masked for 10 years!”

GMAFB. That’s not how masking works. You either had your head in the sand or are blaming your bad picker on him.

That is how masking works.

Once life layers itself on more and more from the simple bachelor + work days, they enter Shutdown mode, Anger mode, DaRVO mode and the mask falls off at home. They’ll try hard to keep up their masking and image externally, in fact they’ll prioritize that.

They can “hit the wall” in middle school demands, HS demands, young adult demands, married w kids demands. Whatever the threshold, the self-created coping methods cease to work and off goes the mask.

No person who has the issues you claim masks that well. They don't.

Let's be real you ignored things because you were on a timeline for marriage and babies and figured you could change things once married.

Take responsibility

I don't know how many times it needs to be said, but if you are a mom of a child DS with autism, you don't need to get defensive and insert yourselves into these threads. You have no idea the lengths families and these men themselves went to to play along/blend in up to and through adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now swap the “ASD” disability for “Down Syndrome” and hopefully you can see what a close minded jerk you sound like. You are free to divorce if your husband’s disability is too much for you. But ASD presentation isn’t gaslighting. It’s the outcome of neurological, cognitive and social differences. Understand the difference.

DP, this is apples to oranges. Many young men mask their ASD when they’re young through copy and paste behavior and using alcohol. In fact, it’s only when life becomes even more stressful and difficult that they are unable to mask any longer. You can’t mask with down syndrome. Please tell me how many Neurotypical people you know who have married someone with down syndrome.

How about ASD women? Or are ASD men the only ones with issues? I wish my wife could agree to a psych evaluation so we can rule out ASD. Ya'll on this forum mostly attribute mental health issues to men.

read Dr Kathy Marshack books or websites. Her mother was ASD, which led to her marrying one and having one child with it.
Her story is unfortunately common- as it is so genetic (so how does one know their kid needs help when they are the same), and hopefully people in 2025 are finding better ways forward.

Better ways forward in what sense? Like people on the spectrum shouldn’t be able to reproduce? Yes, it’s 2025, and we no longer talk about the disabled the way that you are taking about it. I don’t see my autistic friends and family as “unfortunately common” as you do. It’s a big world out there and it takes all kinds.

Gawd are you broken record, overly defensive, and totally incorrect every time you post your BS.

Read up on “better ways” for NT/AS relationships to communicate and co-exist.

Well, Autism Wife (that’s what we’re calling you), the only way it will ever get better is to take accountability, open your eyes to the reality of this disability, and own your unhappiness.

If you must, call us Austism Wives. There are many of us

It's as if you had zero control or the ability to pick your partner or reproduce with him.

Lol right?! “He masked for 10 years!”

GMAFB. That’s not how masking works. You either had your head in the sand or are blaming your bad picker on him.

That is how masking works.

Once life layers itself on more and more from the simple bachelor + work days, they enter Shutdown mode, Anger mode, DaRVO mode and the mask falls off at home. They’ll try hard to keep up their masking and image externally, in fact they’ll prioritize that.

They can “hit the wall” in middle school demands, HS demands, young adult demands, married w kids demands. Whatever the threshold, the self-created coping methods cease to work and off goes the mask.

No person who has the issues you claim masks that well. They don't.

Let's be real you ignored things because you were on a timeline for marriage and babies and figured you could change things once married.

Take responsibility

I don't know how many times it needs to be said, but if you are a mom of a child DS with autism, you don't need to get defensive and insert yourselves into these threads. You have no idea the lengths families and these men themselves went to to play along/blend in up to and through adulthood.

So WTF is it you want, OP? A medal for how amazing you are in the face of your big bad terrible autistic husband? I mean, truly ask yourself what it is you want here. From this forum, from him, from society? What do you want? Because, despite all of your excuses and insistence that your husband masked so well for 10 years and then decided to drop the bomb on you and none of this is your fault….you sound utterly miserable in life. I can tell because you need everyone on this thread to understand how justified you are in your assertions. So again, ask yourself, what do you want and what are you going to do about it? If he’s really THAT bad, you leave, just like every other woman has in an unbearable situation. Otherwise you’re just looking for sympathy and validation from a bunch of internet strangers, and even if we were to give it to you on this thread, you’d still be stuck with the reality of your current marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now swap the “ASD” disability for “Down Syndrome” and hopefully you can see what a close minded jerk you sound like. You are free to divorce if your husband’s disability is too much for you. But ASD presentation isn’t gaslighting. It’s the outcome of neurological, cognitive and social differences. Understand the difference.

DP, this is apples to oranges. Many young men mask their ASD when they’re young through copy and paste behavior and using alcohol. In fact, it’s only when life becomes even more stressful and difficult that they are unable to mask any longer. You can’t mask with down syndrome. Please tell me how many Neurotypical people you know who have married someone with down syndrome.

How about ASD women? Or are ASD men the only ones with issues? I wish my wife could agree to a psych evaluation so we can rule out ASD. Ya'll on this forum mostly attribute mental health issues to men.

read Dr Kathy Marshack books or websites. Her mother was ASD, which led to her marrying one and having one child with it.
Her story is unfortunately common- as it is so genetic (so how does one know their kid needs help when they are the same), and hopefully people in 2025 are finding better ways forward.

Better ways forward in what sense? Like people on the spectrum shouldn’t be able to reproduce? Yes, it’s 2025, and we no longer talk about the disabled the way that you are taking about it. I don’t see my autistic friends and family as “unfortunately common” as you do. It’s a big world out there and it takes all kinds.

Gawd are you broken record, overly defensive, and totally incorrect every time you post your BS.

Read up on “better ways” for NT/AS relationships to communicate and co-exist.

Well, Autism Wife (that’s what we’re calling you), the only way it will ever get better is to take accountability, open your eyes to the reality of this disability, and own your unhappiness.

If you must, call us Austism Wives. There are many of us

It's as if you had zero control or the ability to pick your partner or reproduce with him.

Lol right?! “He masked for 10 years!”

GMAFB. That’s not how masking works. You either had your head in the sand or are blaming your bad picker on him.

That is how masking works.

Once life layers itself on more and more from the simple bachelor + work days, they enter Shutdown mode, Anger mode, DaRVO mode and the mask falls off at home. They’ll try hard to keep up their masking and image externally, in fact they’ll prioritize that.

They can “hit the wall” in middle school demands, HS demands, young adult demands, married w kids demands. Whatever the threshold, the self-created coping methods cease to work and off goes the mask.

No person who has the issues you claim masks that well. They don't.

Let's be real you ignored things because you were on a timeline for marriage and babies and figured you could change things once married.

Take responsibility

I don't know how many times it needs to be said, but if you are a mom of a child DS with autism, you don't need to get defensive and insert yourselves into these threads. You have no idea the lengths families and these men themselves went to to play along/blend in up to and through adulthood.

So WTF is it you want, OP? A medal for how amazing you are in the face of your big bad terrible autistic husband? I mean, truly ask yourself what it is you want here. From this forum, from him, from society? What do you want? Because, despite all of your excuses and insistence that your husband masked so well for 10 years and then decided to drop the bomb on you and none of this is your fault….you sound utterly miserable in life. I can tell because you need everyone on this thread to understand how justified you are in your assertions. So again, ask yourself, what do you want and what are you going to do about it? If he’s really THAT bad, you leave, just like every other woman has in an unbearable situation. Otherwise you’re just looking for sympathy and validation from a bunch of internet strangers, and even if we were to give it to you on this thread, you’d still be stuck with the reality of your current marriage.

DP but I thought that was the point of DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not only was it easier for my DH to mask when he was younger, but life stressors have gotten worse as we’ve gotten older, and aging has slowed him down… Made him less flexible, more rigid, and made his executive function even worse.

It is tough to even have conversations with him because it some point pretty early on, I’ll say a very random and innocuous thing that will set him off, or he will somehow tell me I’m not having the conversation right. It’s like in his ASD rigid brain, he has these rules of what a conversation is supposed to be like, which he of course, does not have to follow because there is always a very good reason he’s not following them (and more often than not that reason is somehow my fault), but if I’m not following them, he blows up.

Also, when we were younger, he used to be a great lover… I think he thought that sexually pleasing me was one of the rules of dating and marriage. As we’ve been married many many years now, he’s gotten very comfortable and doesn’t think it applies anymore. Especially since he’s gotten older and he’s slowed down (I haven’t), he thinks that’s just the way it is and doesn’t really get the need to compromise because he’s fine with the way things are, so there must be something wrong with me if I don’t agree with him.

wow, this could be me and DH exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now swap the “ASD” disability for “Down Syndrome” and hopefully you can see what a close minded jerk you sound like. You are free to divorce if your husband’s disability is too much for you. But ASD presentation isn’t gaslighting. It’s the outcome of neurological, cognitive and social differences. Understand the difference.

DP, this is apples to oranges. Many young men mask their ASD when they’re young through copy and paste behavior and using alcohol. In fact, it’s only when life becomes even more stressful and difficult that they are unable to mask any longer. You can’t mask with down syndrome. Please tell me how many Neurotypical people you know who have married someone with down syndrome.

How about ASD women? Or are ASD men the only ones with issues? I wish my wife could agree to a psych evaluation so we can rule out ASD. Ya'll on this forum mostly attribute mental health issues to men.

read Dr Kathy Marshack books or websites. Her mother was ASD, which led to her marrying one and having one child with it.
Her story is unfortunately common- as it is so genetic (so how does one know their kid needs help when they are the same), and hopefully people in 2025 are finding better ways forward.

Better ways forward in what sense? Like people on the spectrum shouldn’t be able to reproduce? Yes, it’s 2025, and we no longer talk about the disabled the way that you are taking about it. I don’t see my autistic friends and family as “unfortunately common” as you do. It’s a big world out there and it takes all kinds.

Gawd are you broken record, overly defensive, and totally incorrect every time you post your BS.

Read up on “better ways” for NT/AS relationships to communicate and co-exist.

Well, Autism Wife (that’s what we’re calling you), the only way it will ever get better is to take accountability, open your eyes to the reality of this disability, and own your unhappiness.

If you must, call us Austism Wives. There are many of us

It's as if you had zero control or the ability to pick your partner or reproduce with him.

Lol right?! “He masked for 10 years!”

GMAFB. That’s not how masking works. You either had your head in the sand or are blaming your bad picker on him.

That is how masking works.

Once life layers itself on more and more from the simple bachelor + work days, they enter Shutdown mode, Anger mode, DaRVO mode and the mask falls off at home. They’ll try hard to keep up their masking and image externally, in fact they’ll prioritize that.

They can “hit the wall” in middle school demands, HS demands, young adult demands, married w kids demands. Whatever the threshold, the self-created coping methods cease to work and off goes the mask.

No person who has the issues you claim masks that well. They don't.

Let's be real you ignored things because you were on a timeline for marriage and babies and figured you could change things once married.

Take responsibility

I don't know how many times it needs to be said, but if you are a mom of a child DS with autism, you don't need to get defensive and insert yourselves into these threads. You have no idea the lengths families and these men themselves went to to play along/blend in up to and through adulthood.

This sounds like some weird conspiracy theory. That’s not how masking works.

[Anonymous]

The ASD people in my life are not manipulative at all. In fact, they often fail to see manipulative behavior in others to their disadvantage. I actually wonder if rigidity and routine are mechanisms that help guard against this blind spot.

The frustrating behavior the woman described in the article sounded more like adhd to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ASD people in my life are not manipulative at all. In fact, they often fail to see manipulative behavior in others to their disadvantage. I actually wonder if rigidity and routine are mechanisms that help guard against this blind spot.

The frustrating behavior the woman described in the article sounded more like adhd to me.

Do you live with them?

Do you have normal expectations and have to rely on them for day to day responsibilities? Either of their own or for a household?

[Anonymous]

OP, to say that your ASD husband is manipulative is a diametrically opposed to what the autistic brain is capable of organizing, from a social/emotional perspective. By definition, autistic people are not able to comprehend, recognize, or incorporate fundamental social signals from others, and their own ability to facilitate what you describe as manipulation is not really what it appears. They may be rigid, they may be insistent, but they are not trying to manipulate you. This is an important distinction.

Signed, a doctor in the field of neurology who, yes, has lived with an autistic person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now swap the “ASD” disability for “Down Syndrome” and hopefully you can see what a close minded jerk you sound like. You are free to divorce if your husband’s disability is too much for you. But ASD presentation isn’t gaslighting. It’s the outcome of neurological, cognitive and social differences. Understand the difference.

So what. One could make the case that anything is a result of “neurological cognitive and social differences” - narcissism, borderline, being an abuser. No one is entitled to treat others poorly. Grow up.

It does mean

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, to say that your ASD husband is manipulative is a diametrically opposed to what the autistic brain is capable of organizing, from a social/emotional perspective. By definition, autistic people are not able to comprehend, recognize, or incorporate fundamental social signals from others, and their own ability to facilitate what you describe as manipulation is not really what it appears. They may be rigid, they may be insistent, but they are not trying to manipulate you. This is an important distinction.

Signed, a doctor in the field of neurology who, yes, has lived with an autistic person.

Thank goodness there isn’t a high level of co-morbidity of ASD with ADHD, ODD, PDS, bipolar and/or borderline. Right doc?

And “not trying to manipulate you” versus having a totally different interpretation of reality aren’t one and the same result on others either. Right doc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5. The ones who claim 'gaslighting' are usually projecting their own behavior.

6. The women on here who claim they have ASD masking husbands sound very dysfunctional themselves with undiagnosed ADHD.

Have you ever met a family and household with kids where the father has untreated asd and the mother has untreated adhd?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so exhausting to even be in the same room as DH who was diagnosed ASD a couple of years ago

The Cumulative Effect of ASD Aggravation and Gaslighting
www.nationalautismacademy.com/the-cumulative-effect-of-asd-aggravation-and-gaslighting

Yes it’s a thing.

They “don’t recall” what actually happened, only what they intended to happen.

Alternatively it’s not due to ASD, they really just don’t give two F’s about anything not directly affecting them immediately. And lie about it.

This.

Plus admitting mistakes is often impossible for some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now swap the “ASD” disability for “Down Syndrome” and hopefully you can see what a close minded jerk you sound like. You are free to divorce if your husband’s disability is too much for you. But ASD presentation isn’t gaslighting. It’s the outcome of neurological, cognitive and social differences. Understand the difference.

Agree.

It doesn’t matter what’s driving all those chronic bad behaviors, bad habits, and gaslighting reactions.

Don’t subject yourself to that verbal and emotional abuse and get out of the toxic relationship. No explanation needed.

True.

At some point it doesn’t matter what’s driving the bad behavior. It’s abusive to other and they will have to set boundaries and extract themselves from the situation and relationship as soon as safely possible. When minors are involved this can be very difficult.

[Anonymous]

What’s crazy to me is apparently how many of these husbands who masked for decades and appeared to love and care for their spouses enough to have these women fall in love, suddenly dropped the mask and is at some point completely incapable of loving their spouses and children and yet completely capable of being affable and productive at work.

Come on, this is kind of absurd. There’s something else going on. Something we are missing.