DH can’t handle being a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

OP.

1. This is a parenting board. Most of us have parented newborns. We have also seen what comes three months from now, three years from now, etc.

2. I remember being very angry the first month of my child’s life. People commented on it, but i thought they were crazy. They weren’t. My hormones were off. I was stressed. I was exhausted. It resolved itself naturally within a few months.

Your post reeks of unresolved anger and resentment. I’m sure that this is coming across in your interactions with DH who is probably also tired. If you truly think that your hormones are fine, then you are choosing to be angry and you can stop. Think about that. Either it’s sleep deprivation/stress/hormones, or it’s a choice.

3. If you can’t control your resentment, you need to talk to your OB. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger will not make the situation better. You cannot control DH. You can only control how you react to him. Manage your anger, THEN schedule some time where he is in charge of the baby.

4. If you can control your anger, then you need to do so. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger still will not make the situation better. You still can only control how you react to him. As I said in #3, manage your anger, THEN schedule some time when he is in charge of the baby.

Don’t ruin the good thing you have because it’s not perfect. You can both be compassionate and hold him to a higher standard.

I don’t have anger. I’m disappointed.


He’s not tired when he sleeps a full 8 hours a night. He has done nearly zero for our child. It’s great that he cooks us dinner and cleans up but that’s only a couple times a week. I’m still doing all of the parenting with him spending maybe 20 minute holding our son once a day.

You just sound so angry. Can you afford someone to come in and assist with the baby?

You’re missing the point. I shouldn’t have to hire help because my husband refuses to be a parent. It’s his responsibility. For a forum so pro women, you all aren’t acting like it. Why should I bear the full responsibility of caring for a child we both made? I’m learning so that’s no excuse. He doesn’t get a pass because he’s a man.

.

I feel so bad for your husband. It is has only three weeks. I’m glad you got it all figured out and are perfect. You are a team. Let him support you as he can best. Maybe your husbands strengths will come later. Your anger is felt by your husband and for sure just making things worse.

[Anonymous]

My DD is 16 now. My husband and I are both active and involved parents. We went through phases throughout DD's childhood where one of us did more and was the favored parent it went back and forth. Ironically, I (the mom) was the one who was terrified in the newborn phase. There was no amount of pressure from my husband that would have changed that and would have only strained our marriage. He picked up the slack with DD and I took care of all of the other necessary tasks. The dynamic changed went back and forth many times.

Give your husband some grace. He is adjusting to a new normal. He is contributing in other ways. It does not mean that he will remain a hands-off parent. The relationship between all of you will be constantly evolving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

OP.

1. This is a parenting board. Most of us have parented newborns. We have also seen what comes three months from now, three years from now, etc.

2. I remember being very angry the first month of my child’s life. People commented on it, but i thought they were crazy. They weren’t. My hormones were off. I was stressed. I was exhausted. It resolved itself naturally within a few months.

Your post reeks of unresolved anger and resentment. I’m sure that this is coming across in your interactions with DH who is probably also tired. If you truly think that your hormones are fine, then you are choosing to be angry and you can stop. Think about that. Either it’s sleep deprivation/stress/hormones, or it’s a choice.

3. If you can’t control your resentment, you need to talk to your OB. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger will not make the situation better. You cannot control DH. You can only control how you react to him. Manage your anger, THEN schedule some time where he is in charge of the baby.

4. If you can control your anger, then you need to do so. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger still will not make the situation better. You still can only control how you react to him. As I said in #3, manage your anger, THEN schedule some time when he is in charge of the baby.

Don’t ruin the good thing you have because it’s not perfect. You can both be compassionate and hold him to a higher standard.

I don’t have anger. I’m disappointed.


He’s not tired when he sleeps a full 8 hours a night. He has done nearly zero for our child. It’s great that he cooks us dinner and cleans up but that’s only a couple times a week. I’m still doing all of the parenting with him spending maybe 20 minute holding our son once a day.

You just sound so angry. Can you afford someone to come in and assist with the baby?

You’re missing the point. I shouldn’t have to hire help because my husband refuses to be a parent. It’s his responsibility. For a forum so pro women, you all aren’t acting like it. Why should I bear the full responsibility of caring for a child we both made? I’m learning so that’s no excuse. He doesn’t get a pass because he’s a man.

For almost all of human history in all societies up until about 100 years ago (being generous here) you wouldn’t be bearing the full responsibility of caring for a child. Your sister, mother, grandmother, in-laws, and a whole village of women would be around to help you through caring for a THREE WEEK old. A PP had both side’s mothers to help out, plus a nanny. That is what you need! Women have always hired help and leaned on other women until a certain age!

You must understand that human nature is old—just because it is your opinion that men “should” be caring for tiny little newborns as deftly and skillfully as women can, doesn’t make it true. You can rage against your husband all you wanr, but you’re really raging against reality.

[Anonymous]

My father has changed zero of my diapers when I was a baby. In fact, due to long distance work, he visited me twice the first six months I was alive. Guess what? He was an amazing loving father after and I am still close to him as a 40+ year old.

Your husband may end up being a terrible father. Or he may end up being fine - it’s been three weeks! Nothing you’ve described sounds like a man who hates being a father, is abusive etc. Some people grow into it, some are good at one stage and not the other (my father in law was a great father to a teen but not very interested in babies and toddlers apparently.) Your child will be fine - a baby that age needs someone to care for them and feed them - it does not need to be both parents (or honestly any parent as long as it’s done.)

Here is a trick - let’s go with your worst case scenario. He will never ever help you with the baby but just do other things he’s doing (job, chores.) OK - then what? You need to decide if being divorced from him over his not helping with an infant is better than being married to him in terms of finances, emotional wellbeing, logistics etc. Only you can answer that but even if your answer is yes it’s better to be alone, I’d advise you to give it a year to see if things start working better. Divorcing with a newborn would be hell.

[Anonymous]

Your husband maybe positioning you to be the primary parent forever. Time will tell.

However, what you allow will become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, caring for an infant is not "being a parent". If he is picking up all the other slack right now and letting you be the primary infant carer, it doesn't mean he sucks as a parent. Newborns are newborns for a matter of months. Not every great parent is great at every stage, and this one is REALLY short.

I strongly disagree with your statement. Parenting is caring for your child. The rest is being a capable adult.

Keeping a baby alive isn't parenting. But keep arguing with everyone, OP.

+1. By all accounts my mom could not deal with having a newborn. The anxiety took over and she was paralyzed. She refused to do night feedings and seldom held me.

She was also a great mom. It's just that one short stage that overwhelmed her.

She was actually a pretty shitty mom during that period. As is OP’s husband right now. What if both parents took this attitude? The baby would die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, caring for an infant is not "being a parent". If he is picking up all the other slack right now and letting you be the primary infant carer, it doesn't mean he sucks as a parent. Newborns are newborns for a matter of months. Not every great parent is great at every stage, and this one is REALLY short.

I strongly disagree with your statement. Parenting is caring for your child. The rest is being a capable adult.

Keeping a baby alive isn't parenting. But keep arguing with everyone, OP.

+1. By all accounts my mom could not deal with having a newborn. The anxiety took over and she was paralyzed. She refused to do night feedings and seldom held me.

She was also a great mom. It's just that one short stage that overwhelmed her.

She was actually a pretty shitty mom during that period. As is OP’s husband right now. What if both parents took this attitude? The baby would die.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, caring for an infant is not "being a parent". If he is picking up all the other slack right now and letting you be the primary infant carer, it doesn't mean he sucks as a parent. Newborns are newborns for a matter of months. Not every great parent is great at every stage, and this one is REALLY short.

I strongly disagree with your statement. Parenting is caring for your child. The rest is being a capable adult.

Keeping a baby alive isn't parenting. But keep arguing with everyone, OP.

+1. By all accounts my mom could not deal with having a newborn. The anxiety took over and she was paralyzed. She refused to do night feedings and seldom held me.

She was also a great mom. It's just that one short stage that overwhelmed her.

She was actually a pretty shitty mom during that period. As is OP’s husband right now. What if both parents took this attitude? The baby would die.

What if the moon was made of cheese? If thing were different they’d be different.

Some of the people on this board are terrible at giving grace and I hope never need any.

To the infant, as long as someone feeds and cares for them, the rest is immaterial - it can be mom, dad, great aunt Gretchen or whoever. It will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:correction- it causes men to back off and give up trying

Can you elaborate on this?

[Anonymous]

OP - what is your goal? To get DH to participate? You can either try to gently encourage which you are not interested in or have a fight which may help or not but is going to lead to more resentment for both of you.

Your only other options are either accept what’s going on or decide this is not worth it and divorce.

It looks like you want someone to wave a magic wand and have DH become a wonderful father. That’s not going to happen. The options you have are only about what you can do and feel, not what you can make him do or feel.

[Anonymous]

My wife handled the majority of the baby stuff because she WAS better at dealing with a very small infant. So mommy got lots and lots of hug time. I did much as your husband does-taking over cooking and other non kid tasks. Your husband is picking up the slack in other areas, so why not let him do his stuff?

He's your husband, not a chore mule, and presumably you both wanted this kid. In any case, your kid is here. Take care of your baby and let your husband take care of you.

As my wife put it just now, your mission changed. Get with it because you wanted to be doing this and so figure it out (her words.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:go for a walk or take a nap and tell him he is in charge of the baby

This is the answer! Although I think it is best to leave not stay in the house. Maybe start with a half hour and work your way up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, caring for an infant is not "being a parent". If he is picking up all the other slack right now and letting you be the primary infant carer, it doesn't mean he sucks as a parent. Newborns are newborns for a matter of months. Not every great parent is great at every stage, and this one is REALLY short.

I strongly disagree with your statement. Parenting is caring for your child. The rest is being a capable adult.

Keeping a baby alive isn't parenting. But keep arguing with everyone, OP.

It is. What do you think parenting is? It’s making sure your child is safe, loved, and properly cared for.

Again, keep arguing with everyone. You post on here with these woe is me stories and then argue with everyone who responds. It's so tiring. But I assume you have no one in real life to talk to because they're all exhausted by you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Sounds like you married a dud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

No, you're the problem because you're annoying. You should probably stay off DCUM for the next few years.