DH can’t handle being a parent

[Anonymous]

We had a baby in late April and his parenting has been subpar. He seems nervous and becomes easily flustered when our son cries. He takes a million years to do anything. He seems afraid to hold him unless he is seated. He immediately wants to pass him off to me instead of trying to calm him down. He has picked up the slack of doing almost everything else, but what I need most is him to be an active parent. I’m growing fed up with inability to learn to parent. My resentment is building and I don’t know how to take control of it.

[Anonymous]

Late April? Like, three weeks ago?

[Anonymous]

This is an issue.
Both of you should be able to soothe, carry/hold and take care of the baby.

Maybe have a convo with him to gauge what his issues really are.

Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

go for a walk or take a nap and tell him he is in charge of the baby

[Anonymous]

I am really uncomfortable with newborns. Their heads are so floppy. Once they're sturdier I feel more confident. Let him do all the other stuff for now.

[Anonymous]

Are you exclusively breastfeeding? If possible, put him in charge of at least one feeding a day. Can be pumped milk or a bottle. Feeding is the thing that really helped my husband get over the initial hump.

Also see if he is into baby wearing.

That said, my main PPD symptom was rage. So try not to make any big moves. You’re both in a very fragile, very trying time. If you can’t summon good feelings towards him, at least table any big confrontations for six months if you can. The issues will still be there waiting for you, I promise.

In the meantime, look for help elsewhere. Are you planning any childcare? When does it start? Keep your eye on that. Ask for help from family and friends if you can. Are you doing a PACE group? It’s probably not too late to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Late April? Like, three weeks ago?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

My DH was like this until I went back to work and he was on paternity leave alone with the baby for 6 weeks. He had deferred to me for everything because I WAS the expert and I did have a better instinct for what would soothe the baby. And it's awkward to suck at something important in front of your spouse.

On his own, he did great and built confidence. How much can you leave him alone with baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is an issue.
Both of you should be able to soothe, carry/hold and take care of the baby.

Maybe have a convo with him to gauge what his issues really are.

Best of luck!

I’ve done exactly that and he said I’m much better at caring for him. I told him he needs to learn and he always pushes back that he’s worried because he’s so tiny.

[Anonymous]

OP, what you need most - you may not get. What your child needs most is two parents married, so make that more of a priority. Does he contribute salary to the marriage? He's not evil, or abusive or an addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:go for a walk or take a nap and tell him he is in charge of the baby

Exactly. Leave the house for 20-30mins w dad in charge. And don’t criticize how he parents.

[Anonymous]

Also, caring for an infant is not "being a parent". If he is picking up all the other slack right now and letting you be the primary infant carer, it doesn't mean he sucks as a parent. Newborns are newborns for a matter of months. Not every great parent is great at every stage, and this one is REALLY short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you exclusively breastfeeding? If possible, put him in charge of at least one feeding a day. Can be pumped milk or a bottle. Feeding is the thing that really helped my husband get over the initial hump.

Also see if he is into baby wearing.

That said, my main PPD symptom was rage. So try not to make any big moves. You’re both in a very fragile, very trying time. If you can’t summon good feelings towards him, at least table any big confrontations for six months if you can. The issues will still be there waiting for you, I promise.

In the meantime, look for help elsewhere. Are you planning any childcare? When does it start? Keep your eye on that. Ask for help from family and friends if you can. Are you doing a PACE group? It’s probably not too late to start.

I am. We were told no bottles until 6 weeks.

He doesn’t like baby wearing because they feel uncomfortable to him.

We will have childcare start when I go back to work. I don’t know what PACE is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was like this until I went back to work and he was on paternity leave alone with the baby for 6 weeks. He had deferred to me for everything because I WAS the expert and I did have a better instinct for what would soothe the baby. And it's awkward to suck at something important in front of your spouse.

On his own, he did great and built confidence. How much can you leave him alone with baby?

A couple hours a day. I’m home and he is working from home. He went back after two weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you need most - you may not get. What your child needs most is two parents married, so make that more of a priority. Does he contribute salary to the marriage? He's not evil, or abusive or an addict.

He works and makes mistakes of our money. He isn’t abusive, evil, or an addict. He has taken over cooking and cleaning for us.

I still think it’s important that he bond with our son and be able to parent. Him being a good husband doesn’t override his inability to want to parent our child.