DH can’t handle being a parent

[Anonymous]

correction- it causes men to back off and give up trying

[Anonymous]

He definitely won't learn if he doesn't have to. So schedule yourself a thing. Twice a week, or whatever, you go to the library for your book-club-of-one (or you go grocery shopping or whatever-- this is up to you) and leave him with the baby. Tell him that this is to help him become more independent! Show him some of the million tiktoks about fathers with new babies, and the comments where the women are all swooning over the hotness of a man taking care of a tiny infant. Jazz him up. And then let him do it.

Agree with PP that babywearing is good. It really takes the fear out of holding a tiny fragile floppy baby. Try a variety of carriers. My kids' dad liked a cheap snugli. I preferred an ergo. You can post on any parents or neighborhood listservs to borrow and try some out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, caring for an infant is not "being a parent". If he is picking up all the other slack right now and letting you be the primary infant carer, it doesn't mean he sucks as a parent. Newborns are newborns for a matter of months. Not every great parent is great at every stage, and this one is REALLY short.

I strongly disagree with your statement. Parenting is caring for your child. The rest is being a capable adult.

No. I went back to work when my child was 8 weeks old, and an incredibly capable, loving woman cared for him in her home, she soothed him and rocked him and fed him bottles. She was NOT his parent.

I get that you want help, OP, and I get that you're disappointed, but you mentally labeling him as a bad parent is NOT helping things. You are a team and this - newborn care - is not his strength yet. And maybe it never will be. Maybe his strength is going to be in the Tween years...all of a sudden, my DH is the default parent and the preferred parent in this stage, and guess what? It lasts longer than the newborn phase which I was brilliant at. If I labeled my DH a terrible parent before we barely started the newborn phase (which he didn't rock until he solo parented for a while) would he have the confidence to be such a good dad now? No.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds amazing. Seriously. He’s doing great. Did you take some baby care classes before baby arrived? If not, do that now (or watch some videos). Also, OP, at your six week checkup with your OB, get screened for PPD/PPA, you sound like you’re having a rough time mentally.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you need most - you may not get. What your child needs most is two parents married, so make that more of a priority. Does he contribute salary to the marriage? He's not evil, or abusive or an addict.

He works and makes mistakes of our money. He isn’t abusive, evil, or an addict. He has taken over cooking and cleaning for us.

I still think it’s important that he bond with our son and be able to parent. Him being a good husband doesn’t override his inability to want to parent our child.

.

OP my God. Your son is 3 weeks old. You have 17 years and 49 weeks to go. Cut your husband some slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds amazing. Seriously. He’s doing great. Did you take some baby care classes before baby arrived? If not, do that now (or watch some videos). Also, OP, at your six week checkup with your OB, get screened for PPD/PPA, you sound like you’re having a rough time mentally.

How does he sound great if he refuses to do anything for his child? Op said he won’t hold him, burp, feed, change diaper, put to sleep..He hasn’t great if he can’t care for his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you exclusively breastfeeding? If possible, put him in charge of at least one feeding a day. Can be pumped milk or a bottle. Feeding is the thing that really helped my husband get over the initial hump.

Also see if he is into baby wearing.

That said, my main PPD symptom was rage. So try not to make any big moves. You’re both in a very fragile, very trying time. If you can’t summon good feelings towards him, at least table any big confrontations for six months if you can. The issues will still be there waiting for you, I promise.

In the meantime, look for help elsewhere. Are you planning any childcare? When does it start? Keep your eye on that. Ask for help from family and friends if you can. Are you doing a PACE group? It’s probably not too late to start.

I am. We were told no bottles until 6 weeks.

He doesn’t like baby wearing because they feel uncomfortable to him.

We will have childcare start when I go back to work. I don’t know what PACE is.

PACE is a moms support group.
https://www.pacemoms.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

OP.

1. This is a parenting board. Most of us have parented newborns. We have also seen what comes three months from now, three years from now, etc.

2. I remember being very angry the first month of my child’s life. People commented on it, but i thought they were crazy. They weren’t. My hormones were off. I was stressed. I was exhausted. It resolved itself naturally within a few months.

Your post reeks of unresolved anger and resentment. I’m sure that this is coming across in your interactions with DH who is probably also tired. If you truly think that your hormones are fine, then you are choosing to be angry and you can stop. Think about that. Either it’s sleep deprivation/stress/hormones, or it’s a choice.

3. If you can’t control your resentment, you need to talk to your OB. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger will not make the situation better. You cannot control DH. You can only control how you react to him. Manage your anger, THEN schedule some time where he is in charge of the baby.

4. If you can control your anger, then you need to do so. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger still will not make the situation better. You still can only control how you react to him. As I said in #3, manage your anger, THEN schedule some time when he is in charge of the baby.

Don’t ruin the good thing you have because it’s not perfect. You can both be compassionate and hold him to a higher standard.

[Anonymous]

Newborn babies are terrifyingly floppy and fragile. He's probably scared he'll break him. I grew up babysitting my siblings and others, and have held many babies but seriously. Don't assume he'll always be this way. And honestly, what's the alternative? A lot of men are scared of babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

OP.

1. This is a parenting board. Most of us have parented newborns. We have also seen what comes three months from now, three years from now, etc.

2. I remember being very angry the first month of my child’s life. People commented on it, but i thought they were crazy. They weren’t. My hormones were off. I was stressed. I was exhausted. It resolved itself naturally within a few months.

Your post reeks of unresolved anger and resentment. I’m sure that this is coming across in your interactions with DH who is probably also tired. If you truly think that your hormones are fine, then you are choosing to be angry and you can stop. Think about that. Either it’s sleep deprivation/stress/hormones, or it’s a choice.

3. If you can’t control your resentment, you need to talk to your OB. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger will not make the situation better. You cannot control DH. You can only control how you react to him. Manage your anger, THEN schedule some time where he is in charge of the baby.

4. If you can control your anger, then you need to do so. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger still will not make the situation better. You still can only control how you react to him. As I said in #3, manage your anger, THEN schedule some time when he is in charge of the baby.

Don’t ruin the good thing you have because it’s not perfect. You can both be compassionate and hold him to a higher standard.

I don’t have anger. I’m disappointed.


He’s not tired when he sleeps a full 8 hours a night. He has done nearly zero for our child. It’s great that he cooks us dinner and cleans up but that’s only a couple times a week. I’m still doing all of the parenting with him spending maybe 20 minute holding our son once a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Newborn babies are terrifyingly floppy and fragile. He's probably scared he'll break him. I grew up babysitting my siblings and others, and have held many babies but seriously. Don't assume he'll always be this way. And honestly, what's the alternative? A lot of men are scared of babies.

It’s not fair for him to opt out of parenting. I am scared sometimes but I still have to parent. He doesn’t get a pass because he is scared.

[Anonymous]

I'm a man who has been changing one set of diapers for one kid or another for like five years. Newborn turds are some of the least offensive. They get do much worse. Tell him that the diapers he doesn't change now, you expect to be paid back with interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a baby in late April and his parenting has been subpar. He seems nervous and becomes easily flustered when our son cries. He takes a million years to do anything. He seems afraid to hold him unless he is seated. He immediately wants to pass him off to me instead of trying to calm him down. He has picked up the slack of doing almost everything else, but what I need most is him to be an active parent. I’m growing fed up with inability to learn to parent. My resentment is building and I don’t know how to take control of it.

Troll

Newborn baby days he can’t handle? When the baby sleeps 18 hours on/off and must drinks milk and pees and does tummy time and cuddles?!