DH can’t handle being a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

Didn’t you talk about this before getting married? What did he say then? What kind of father did he intend to be and what was he looking FW to doing during each child phase?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

OP.

1. This is a parenting board. Most of us have parented newborns. We have also seen what comes three months from now, three years from now, etc.

2. I remember being very angry the first month of my child’s life. People commented on it, but i thought they were crazy. They weren’t. My hormones were off. I was stressed. I was exhausted. It resolved itself naturally within a few months.

Your post reeks of unresolved anger and resentment. I’m sure that this is coming across in your interactions with DH who is probably also tired. If you truly think that your hormones are fine, then you are choosing to be angry and you can stop. Think about that. Either it’s sleep deprivation/stress/hormones, or it’s a choice.

3. If you can’t control your resentment, you need to talk to your OB. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger will not make the situation better. You cannot control DH. You can only control how you react to him. Manage your anger, THEN schedule some time where he is in charge of the baby.

4. If you can control your anger, then you need to do so. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger still will not make the situation better. You still can only control how you react to him. As I said in #3, manage your anger, THEN schedule some time when he is in charge of the baby.

Don’t ruin the good thing you have because it’s not perfect. You can both be compassionate and hold him to a higher standard.

This poster hit the nail on the head. Listen to him/her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, caring for an infant is not "being a parent". If he is picking up all the other slack right now and letting you be the primary infant carer, it doesn't mean he sucks as a parent. Newborns are newborns for a matter of months. Not every great parent is great at every stage, and this one is REALLY short.

+100.

I will chalk up OP’s obstinancy in her responses and lack of charity towards her husband to her delicate postpartum state.

I'm hopeful that her eagerness to die on this is hill is her own anxiety, sleep deprivation, etc., because it doesn't bode well if it isn't.

DP.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Had a baby in February and very similar situation. Ignore all the posters putting you down OP- maybe they went through it but when it’s fresh and you’re this vulnerable having recently given birth you need to surround yourself with helpful, positive people/things.
It’s extremely disappointing to go through pregnancy and labor with your partner and they feel like they dropped off the face of the Earth. I had to hire night help, bring in both of our moms. My husband thought he might have had PPD, but wouldn’t seek help and just holed himself away. Now a few months later things have smoothed out a bit. Baby basically sleeps through the night, husband helps for a few hours a day (he’s not currently working so ideally will take over more at some point). I feel so many things but most of all disappointed that this is more common for women to be the primary parent, especially if breastfeeding. Not making any excuses but it also feels like something society ingrained for many people. I thought we were different, but alas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

OP.

1. This is a parenting board. Most of us have parented newborns. We have also seen what comes three months from now, three years from now, etc.

2. I remember being very angry the first month of my child’s life. People commented on it, but i thought they were crazy. They weren’t. My hormones were off. I was stressed. I was exhausted. It resolved itself naturally within a few months.

Your post reeks of unresolved anger and resentment. I’m sure that this is coming across in your interactions with DH who is probably also tired. If you truly think that your hormones are fine, then you are choosing to be angry and you can stop. Think about that. Either it’s sleep deprivation/stress/hormones, or it’s a choice.

3. If you can’t control your resentment, you need to talk to your OB. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger will not make the situation better. You cannot control DH. You can only control how you react to him. Manage your anger, THEN schedule some time where he is in charge of the baby.

4. If you can control your anger, then you need to do so. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger still will not make the situation better. You still can only control how you react to him. As I said in #3, manage your anger, THEN schedule some time when he is in charge of the baby.

Don’t ruin the good thing you have because it’s not perfect. You can both be compassionate and hold him to a higher standard.

I don’t have anger. I’m disappointed.


He’s not tired when he sleeps a full 8 hours a night. He has done nearly zero for our child. It’s great that he cooks us dinner and cleans up but that’s only a couple times a week. I’m still doing all of the parenting with him spending maybe 20 minute holding our son once a day.

You just sound so angry. Can you afford someone to come in and assist with the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

I’m team you OP 🖤
How you’re feeling is accurate
You alone shouldn’t be made to learn or do those tasks solo… especially as first time parents.



You’re both learning as you go.

[Anonymous]

OP before you got pregnant did he actively want a baby? Want a baby now?

Was this a surprise to him?

Does he express love for the baby? Say he is glad the baby is here?

Maybe he did not want children and if so will likely divorce you and not ask for custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a baby in late April and his parenting has been subpar. He seems nervous and becomes easily flustered when our son cries. He takes a million years to do anything. He seems afraid to hold him unless he is seated. He immediately wants to pass him off to me instead of trying to calm him down. He has picked up the slack of doing almost everything else, but what I need most is him to be an active parent. I’m growing fed up with inability to learn to parent. My resentment is building and I don’t know how to take control of it.

Troll

Newborn baby days he can’t handle? When the baby sleeps 18 hours on/off and must drinks milk and pees and does tummy time and cuddles?!

You must be a couple of drinks because what you wrote didn’t make any sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP before you got pregnant did he actively want a baby? Want a baby now?

Was this a surprise to him?

Does he express love for the baby? Say he is glad the baby is here?

Maybe he did not want children and if so will likely divorce you and not ask for custody.

- We actively tried for our son. We both wanted to be parents and had several serious discussions about shared responsibility and if we both really wanted to take this journey. We both agreed we wanted to be parents.

- He loves him. I know he loves him. It’s a little too late to not want a baby now because he’s here.

- We both wanted children. He was always excited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

OP.

1. This is a parenting board. Most of us have parented newborns. We have also seen what comes three months from now, three years from now, etc.

2. I remember being very angry the first month of my child’s life. People commented on it, but i thought they were crazy. They weren’t. My hormones were off. I was stressed. I was exhausted. It resolved itself naturally within a few months.

Your post reeks of unresolved anger and resentment. I’m sure that this is coming across in your interactions with DH who is probably also tired. If you truly think that your hormones are fine, then you are choosing to be angry and you can stop. Think about that. Either it’s sleep deprivation/stress/hormones, or it’s a choice.

3. If you can’t control your resentment, you need to talk to your OB. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger will not make the situation better. You cannot control DH. You can only control how you react to him. Manage your anger, THEN schedule some time where he is in charge of the baby.

4. If you can control your anger, then you need to do so. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger still will not make the situation better. You still can only control how you react to him. As I said in #3, manage your anger, THEN schedule some time when he is in charge of the baby.

Don’t ruin the good thing you have because it’s not perfect. You can both be compassionate and hold him to a higher standard.

I don’t have anger. I’m disappointed.


He’s not tired when he sleeps a full 8 hours a night. He has done nearly zero for our child. It’s great that he cooks us dinner and cleans up but that’s only a couple times a week. I’m still doing all of the parenting with him spending maybe 20 minute holding our son once a day.

You just sound so angry. Can you afford someone to come in and assist with the baby?

You’re missing the point. I shouldn’t have to hire help because my husband refuses to be a parent. It’s his responsibility. For a forum so pro women, you all aren’t acting like it. Why should I bear the full responsibility of caring for a child we both made? I’m learning so that’s no excuse. He doesn’t get a pass because he’s a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

OP.

1. This is a parenting board. Most of us have parented newborns. We have also seen what comes three months from now, three years from now, etc.

2. I remember being very angry the first month of my child’s life. People commented on it, but i thought they were crazy. They weren’t. My hormones were off. I was stressed. I was exhausted. It resolved itself naturally within a few months.

Your post reeks of unresolved anger and resentment. I’m sure that this is coming across in your interactions with DH who is probably also tired. If you truly think that your hormones are fine, then you are choosing to be angry and you can stop. Think about that. Either it’s sleep deprivation/stress/hormones, or it’s a choice.

3. If you can’t control your resentment, you need to talk to your OB. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger will not make the situation better. You cannot control DH. You can only control how you react to him. Manage your anger, THEN schedule some time where he is in charge of the baby.

4. If you can control your anger, then you need to do so. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger still will not make the situation better. You still can only control how you react to him. As I said in #3, manage your anger, THEN schedule some time when he is in charge of the baby.

Don’t ruin the good thing you have because it’s not perfect. You can both be compassionate and hold him to a higher standard.

I don’t have anger. I’m disappointed.


He’s not tired when he sleeps a full 8 hours a night. He has done nearly zero for our child. It’s great that he cooks us dinner and cleans up but that’s only a couple times a week. I’m still doing all of the parenting with him spending maybe 20 minute holding our son once a day.

You just sound so angry. Can you afford someone to come in and assist with the baby?

You’re missing the point. I shouldn’t have to hire help because my husband refuses to be a parent. It’s his responsibility. For a forum so pro women, you all aren’t acting like it. Why should I bear the full responsibility of caring for a child we both made? I’m learning so that’s no excuse. He doesn’t get a pass because he’s a man.

Instead of talking to him about this, you are just posting screeds. It won’t improve your situation or make you feel better about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is an issue.
Both of you should be able to soothe, carry/hold and take care of the baby.

Maybe have a convo with him to gauge what his issues really are.

Best of luck!

I’ve done exactly that and he said I’m much better at caring for him. I told him he needs to learn and he always pushes back that he’s worried because he’s so tiny.

This is very normal new parent anxiety for all new parents. Framing it as he "can't handle being a parent" is inaccurate and unhelpful. Newborns are really really hard. I don't know what the solution is to your immediate problem, but you have to give him grace about this.

I didn’t make him by myself and I shouldn’t have to do all the parenting on my own. I had to learn and so does he.

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

OP.

1. This is a parenting board. Most of us have parented newborns. We have also seen what comes three months from now, three years from now, etc.

2. I remember being very angry the first month of my child’s life. People commented on it, but i thought they were crazy. They weren’t. My hormones were off. I was stressed. I was exhausted. It resolved itself naturally within a few months.

Your post reeks of unresolved anger and resentment. I’m sure that this is coming across in your interactions with DH who is probably also tired. If you truly think that your hormones are fine, then you are choosing to be angry and you can stop. Think about that. Either it’s sleep deprivation/stress/hormones, or it’s a choice.

3. If you can’t control your resentment, you need to talk to your OB. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger will not make the situation better. You cannot control DH. You can only control how you react to him. Manage your anger, THEN schedule some time where he is in charge of the baby.

4. If you can control your anger, then you need to do so. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger still will not make the situation better. You still can only control how you react to him. As I said in #3, manage your anger, THEN schedule some time when he is in charge of the baby.

Don’t ruin the good thing you have because it’s not perfect. You can both be compassionate and hold him to a higher standard.

I don’t have anger. I’m disappointed.


He’s not tired when he sleeps a full 8 hours a night. He has done nearly zero for our child. It’s great that he cooks us dinner and cleans up but that’s only a couple times a week. I’m still doing all of the parenting with him spending maybe 20 minute holding our son once a day.

You just sound so angry. Can you afford someone to come in and assist with the baby?

You’re missing the point. I shouldn’t have to hire help because my husband refuses to be a parent. It’s his responsibility. For a forum so pro women, you all aren’t acting like it. Why should I bear the full responsibility of caring for a child we both made? I’m learning so that’s no excuse. He doesn’t get a pass because he’s a man.

Obvious troll

[Anonymous]

Playing zither of Dragons Martyr because he isn't doing what he should is making you both miserable. Hire a nanny. That gives you a break and a break from rage one hopes.
He gets time. Seeing the NONMOTHER handle the baby should reassure him. Maybe ge can learn with nanny what he can't with you because your perfection as the mother scares him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

OP.

1. This is a parenting board. Most of us have parented newborns. We have also seen what comes three months from now, three years from now, etc.

2. I remember being very angry the first month of my child’s life. People commented on it, but i thought they were crazy. They weren’t. My hormones were off. I was stressed. I was exhausted. It resolved itself naturally within a few months.

Your post reeks of unresolved anger and resentment. I’m sure that this is coming across in your interactions with DH who is probably also tired. If you truly think that your hormones are fine, then you are choosing to be angry and you can stop. Think about that. Either it’s sleep deprivation/stress/hormones, or it’s a choice.

3. If you can’t control your resentment, you need to talk to your OB. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger will not make the situation better. You cannot control DH. You can only control how you react to him. Manage your anger, THEN schedule some time where he is in charge of the baby.

4. If you can control your anger, then you need to do so. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger still will not make the situation better. You still can only control how you react to him. As I said in #3, manage your anger, THEN schedule some time when he is in charge of the baby.

Don’t ruin the good thing you have because it’s not perfect. You can both be compassionate and hold him to a higher standard.

I don’t have anger. I’m disappointed.


He’s not tired when he sleeps a full 8 hours a night. He has done nearly zero for our child. It’s great that he cooks us dinner and cleans up but that’s only a couple times a week. I’m still doing all of the parenting with him spending maybe 20 minute holding our son once a day.

You just sound so angry. Can you afford someone to come in and assist with the baby?

You’re missing the point. I shouldn’t have to hire help because my husband refuses to be a parent. It’s his responsibility. For a forum so pro women, you all aren’t acting like it. Why should I bear the full responsibility of caring for a child we both made? I’m learning so that’s no excuse. He doesn’t get a pass because he’s a man.

Instead of talking to him about this, you are just posting screeds. It won’t improve your situation or make you feel better about it.

This! And get off DCUM OP. Focus on the baby and stop raging at your husband.