DH can’t handle being a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

Didn’t you talk about this before getting married? What did he say then? What kind of father did he intend to be and what was he looking FW to doing during each child phase?

? Good questions for OP

[Anonymous]

In my experience, it is very normal for mom to be the primary caregiver until the kid is 5 years old even if she is working. Describes me and all of my friends. Late 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Been there done that. This is not as uncommon as you think. I figured you knew this before you had a baby. I am being serious. Men don't do the same as women...maybe a rare man does but it is certainly not the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

OP.

1. This is a parenting board. Most of us have parented newborns. We have also seen what comes three months from now, three years from now, etc.

2. I remember being very angry the first month of my child’s life. People commented on it, but i thought they were crazy. They weren’t. My hormones were off. I was stressed. I was exhausted. It resolved itself naturally within a few months.

Your post reeks of unresolved anger and resentment. I’m sure that this is coming across in your interactions with DH who is probably also tired. If you truly think that your hormones are fine, then you are choosing to be angry and you can stop. Think about that. Either it’s sleep deprivation/stress/hormones, or it’s a choice.

3. If you can’t control your resentment, you need to talk to your OB. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger will not make the situation better. You cannot control DH. You can only control how you react to him. Manage your anger, THEN schedule some time where he is in charge of the baby.

4. If you can control your anger, then you need to do so. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger still will not make the situation better. You still can only control how you react to him. As I said in #3, manage your anger, THEN schedule some time when he is in charge of the baby.

Don’t ruin the good thing you have because it’s not perfect. You can both be compassionate and hold him to a higher standard.

I don’t have anger. I’m disappointed.


He’s not tired when he sleeps a full 8 hours a night. He has done nearly zero for our child. It’s great that he cooks us dinner and cleans up but that’s only a couple times a week. I’m still doing all of the parenting with him spending maybe 20 minute holding our son once a day.

You just sound so angry. Can you afford someone to come in and assist with the baby?

You’re missing the point. I shouldn’t have to hire help because my husband refuses to be a parent. It’s his responsibility. For a forum so pro women, you all aren’t acting like it. Why should I bear the full responsibility of caring for a child we both made? I’m learning so that’s no excuse. He doesn’t get a pass because he’s a man.

Actually, men do get passes. You are going to end of divorced. Just wait. (I don't think that is necessarily bad. My ex did ZERO until we got a divorce. Kids were 5 and 8. He literally did not lift a finger until he wanted 50/50 custody. I have seen it so many times.)

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. Having a new baby is so hard. the weight of responsibility when it's just you is so crushing.

We just had a baby ten weeks ago and for the first maybe eight weeks my husband was a bit useless at handling the baby. He was super fussy and cried all the time and husband didn't know how to soothe him. He even referred to him as "Satan baby" lol. As baby grew older and bigger, my husband became more confident at handling him. I hope this will be the same for you. Just show the husband what you do to soothe the baby, how to rock the baby, etc. he will get more confident with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, caring for an infant is not "being a parent". If he is picking up all the other slack right now and letting you be the primary infant carer, it doesn't mean he sucks as a parent. Newborns are newborns for a matter of months. Not every great parent is great at every stage, and this one is REALLY short.

I strongly disagree with your statement. Parenting is caring for your child. The rest is being a capable adult.

Keeping a baby alive isn't parenting. But keep arguing with everyone, OP.

It is. What do you think parenting is? It’s making sure your child is safe, loved, and properly cared for.

And that includes working, cleaning and cooking. If soeone doens't work then who pays for the child's needs? If no one cooks or gets meals - then no one eats healthy or nutritious food and the mother's milk will dry up, if no one cleans, it is an environmental hazard for kids. Parenting is a lot more than soothing a baby.

Andyou are 3 weeks in. Your attitude towards him is pretty horrible. I don't know if you are a controlling or abusive person but the way you are approaching this situation makes you seem that way.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like he is anxious. Rather than attacking him and criticizing him and name calling him and being nasty, there are other qys to go about supporting someone who is anxious about a huge responsibility and new role. It seems he hasn't been around newborns much. Since it doesn't seem you are a supportive partner, maybe there is a doctor or community center he could talk to to learn more about newborns and how to get through this anxious period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you need most - you may not get. What your child needs most is two parents married, so make that more of a priority. Does he contribute salary to the marriage? He's not evil, or abusive or an addict.

No with the two parents marriage crap.

Plenty of single mothers and fathers raise great kids better than married ones

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Been there done that. This is not as uncommon as you think. I figured you knew this before you had a baby. I am being serious. Men don't do the same as women...maybe a rare man does but it is certainly not the norm.

Sounds like you only know losers. My DH has probably changed more diapers than me. Heck even my Boomer dad started changing diapers once the babies were 6 months+ and he started babysitting solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

OP.

1. This is a parenting board. Most of us have parented newborns. We have also seen what comes three months from now, three years from now, etc.

2. I remember being very angry the first month of my child’s life. People commented on it, but i thought they were crazy. They weren’t. My hormones were off. I was stressed. I was exhausted. It resolved itself naturally within a few months.

Your post reeks of unresolved anger and resentment. I’m sure that this is coming across in your interactions with DH who is probably also tired. If you truly think that your hormones are fine, then you are choosing to be angry and you can stop. Think about that. Either it’s sleep deprivation/stress/hormones, or it’s a choice.

3. If you can’t control your resentment, you need to talk to your OB. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger will not make the situation better. You cannot control DH. You can only control how you react to him. Manage your anger, THEN schedule some time where he is in charge of the baby.

4. If you can control your anger, then you need to do so. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger still will not make the situation better. You still can only control how you react to him. As I said in #3, manage your anger, THEN schedule some time when he is in charge of the baby.

Don’t ruin the good thing you have because it’s not perfect. You can both be compassionate and hold him to a higher standard.

I don’t have anger. I’m disappointed.


He’s not tired when he sleeps a full 8 hours a night. He has done nearly zero for our child. It’s great that he cooks us dinner and cleans up but that’s only a couple times a week. I’m still doing all of the parenting with him spending maybe 20 minute holding our son once a day.

You just sound so angry. Can you afford someone to come in and assist with the baby?

You’re missing the point. I shouldn’t have to hire help because my husband refuses to be a parent. It’s his responsibility. For a forum so pro women, you all aren’t acting like it. Why should I bear the full responsibility of caring for a child we both made? I’m learning so that’s no excuse. He doesn’t get a pass because he’s a man.

Instead of talking to him about this, you are just posting screeds. It won’t improve your situation or make you feel better about it.

Oh shut it.

OP—I’m on your side. And your anger is valid

[Anonymous]

It has only been three weeks! This is a major life adjustment and it has only been three weeks. It sounds like he is really trying to help in how he knows best.

Be nice for goodness sake. He life just got turned upside down and he is nervous about this little tiny human. Neither of you will be perfect parents. It won’t happen. You will both make mistress. Give the guy a break.

And separately many men are bad with newborns. They get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It has only been three weeks! This is a major life adjustment and it has only been three weeks. It sounds like he is really trying to help in how he knows best.

Be nice for goodness sake. He life just got turned upside down and he is nervous about this little tiny human. Neither of you will be perfect parents. It won’t happen. You will both make mistress. Give the guy a break.

And separately many men are bad with newborns. They get better.

I was an awful dad at four weeks. Years later, I'm 100% the primary parent. They really are very different skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

But he is doing stuff. There is more to parenting than just carrying and feeding a baby. Geez. You are in for a long road. Stop being angry. Ask him if he needs help and then just go for a walk. Things will end and flow for the next 18 years! There will be times he does more and you do less. Calm down.

My husband does all the sports stuff. Thanks goodness.

[Anonymous]

Is the problem that you are burned out and need help to do all the things, or are you just fixating on how it should be?

[Anonymous]

Newborns are terrifying. DH thought he was going to break ours. Best thing we ever did was for me to go back to work at 4 months and nanny started at 5 months. He was on his own for a month with the baby. She was a little more scheduled then. But I told him not to call me unless it's an emergency. He figured it out and had a great bonding time with our daughter. We did the same with the second.