Spouse lost his job and its ruining our life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but why are you putting all the onus on him? You had the lower paying job. Do you know what it’s like carrying the household on your shoulders?

You seem selfish and self-centered. OP, why don’t YOU get a restaurant job?!

OP. I hear you. We agreed together when I got my masters degree in education that it was ok for me to have the lower paying job based on the trajectory of his career. I also am trying to find a higher paying job, in addition to summer work. He did not need to leave his prior job, he chose to and it didnt work out and left us way worse off than we ever were.

Presumably it was a joint decision. You can't blame him when you and your children are part of the reason he took the job (you keep spending more and more money, you said it yourself). Also you have no idea if his old job would have remained stable.

His old job did remain stable. Everyone is still there. But in this thread weve moved on from ppl wanting to shame me for being in education, etc and weve moved on to kind ppl sharing their stories or productive suggestions. So no need for you to brung it back to where we moved on from. Just move along to the next thread. Thanks.

FFS OP. Have some perspective. Sure, his old job was stable but it easily could have gone another way, maybe there was an exec who took a dislike to him, who knows. Stop beating that hobby horse. You placed him in the role of breadwinner, and had escalating expenses and he took the job seriously and try to provide. It didn’t pan out, but it’s not like he as gambling at the track. I just can’t even with you.

You will be fine, you are some UMC folks who have been working for 20 years; you must have some assets and resources. Maybe you can’t live in Bethesda or Rockville, but you will be fine. My dad was a depressed alcoholic and only worked 3 years in his life (enough time to marry my mom and have me, then fell down a bottle forever). Mom was a teacher, and yeah we lived in a small rural town, but we had a house, went to passable schools and went off to college. Maybe that isn’t good enough for you, but your family will be fine.

Good talk!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to us. I was a wreck. We were hemorrhaging money because our expenses had gotten really high. But what I did was tell him he was amazing, that he can do anything he put his mind to, and it would work out. (All while freaking out inside and worried he would never get another job and we'd go broke.) He needed to not feel desperate in interviews. He needed to feel confident and powerful. After he got the new, better job, he thanked me for believing in him and not freaking out.

It was a bad break, completely not his fault. And he has always supported me and our kids. He deserved to have strong support behind him.

I agree with this.

Honestly, initiate intimacy with him the evening before his interview. Men need to feel needed. It is the equivalent of a husband telling the wife he knows she has a stressful day tomorrow, so he cleaned the house, folded laundry, made dinner and put the kids to bed so she can focus on herself and her needs before the big day.

[Anonymous]

What is his skill set? There are lots of data entry and data analysis type fully remote jobs available. If he can WFH and make $20-$30/hr, then it can help with the money and he will feel productive. He can continue to interview for the main job in the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but why are you putting all the onus on him? You had the lower paying job. Do you know what it’s like carrying the household on your shoulders?

You seem selfish and self-centered. OP, why don’t YOU get a restaurant job?!

OP. I hear you. We agreed together when I got my masters degree in education that it was ok for me to have the lower paying job based on the trajectory of his career. I also am trying to find a higher paying job, in addition to summer work. He did not need to leave his prior job, he chose to and it didnt work out and left us way worse off than we ever were.

Presumably it was a joint decision. You can't blame him when you and your children are part of the reason he took the job (you keep spending more and more money, you said it yourself). Also you have no idea if his old job would have remained stable.

+1 Op, you were lucky to have had a spouse who earned far more than you for a while, and now you don't. You are blaming him for taking a higher paying job that would have helped cover your family's spending, and it didn't work out. It's not like he lost his job due to misconduct or something. Look at all the government employees who have lost/are losing their stable jobs. You never know what would have happened in his prior job.

Just move on and try to make more money yourself and be supportive for a bit longer that your spouse doesn't want to abandon a once lucrative career since he's still interviewing regularly.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel for you and this is my biggest fear. I am also in education, though doing school
Part time for nursing school pre-reqs to do a career change. DH is the breadwinner by a lot. People are saying you aren’t supportive which I find BS. You are working and carrying the benefits and mourning your change in circumstance. I hope you DH finds something soon. Would he apply to jobs a step lower? What field is he in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are your husband's main skills and what kind of work environment does he naturally desire?

+1 OP just wants to complain about their spouse but not give details that would allow people to give advice. I call troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 are you me?

Sounds like my situation- husband been unemployed- I’m barely holding it together- so much resentment.

+2
Me too. It totally socks and I'm actually pondering divorce. I have enough anxiety of my own and cannot deal with his expectations for me to do all the housework, food prep, child care and still be the only one working.

This is unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your husband's main skills and what kind of work environment does he naturally desire?

+1 OP just wants to complain about their spouse but not give details that would allow people to give advice. I call troll.

If you read my OP youd know I came here looking to hear from those who have been in my situation and hear how it went for them, find support from then etc. I got a lot of great suggestions and am not looking for sprcific job search advice for my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your husband's main skills and what kind of work environment does he naturally desire?

+1 OP just wants to complain about their spouse but not give details that would allow people to give advice. I call troll.

Sometimes a person just needs to vent.

[Anonymous]

I just want to send you love, op. You might read the empowered wife. It will help your husband and help you feel less resentful.

[Anonymous]

This happened to us. I was a wreck. We were hemorrhaging money because our expenses had gotten really high. But what I did was tell him he was amazing, that he can do anything he put his mind to, and it would work out. (All while freaking out inside and worried he would never get another job and we'd go broke.) He needed to not feel desperate in interviews. He needed to feel confident and powerful. After he got the new, better job, he thanked me for believing in him and not freaking out.

It was a bad break, completely not his fault. And he has always supported me and our kids. He deserved to have strong support behind him.



^^^^ this is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to us. I was a wreck. We were hemorrhaging money because our expenses had gotten really high. But what I did was tell him he was amazing, that he can do anything he put his mind to, and it would work out. (All while freaking out inside and worried he would never get another job and we'd go broke.) He needed to not feel desperate in interviews. He needed to feel confident and powerful. After he got the new, better job, he thanked me for believing in him and not freaking out.

It was a bad break, completely not his fault. And he has always supported me and our kids. He deserved to have strong support behind him.

So glad it worked out. Thanks for sharing.

It did. I was talking to a friend last week about how I was sure we were ruined. I'd get in the car and drive to run errands by myself and cry. And now his career is now better than ever. But I never showed him my worry. I was surprised that I could be that strong. But I did it for him and our kids. No question it's scary, OP. But if you can help him you will be proud of yourself that you could be so strong. I worry that you are saying he is ruining your lives. That is a lot of pressure and blame.

You are an amazing wife. I want to be more like you.

[Anonymous]

OP probably enjoyed when he was making the big bucks for a short while, but then tries to blame him for being laid off, which is outside his control. No one has 20/20 foresight.

Maybe you should go get a better job yourself, OP. Stop blaming your husband. The economy is in shambles and no one is hiring right now for senior positions. Worse comes to worse, you sell your house, car, and posseions to downgrade your lifestyle. No big deal, they're just material things.

You need to do more to contribute yourself, from the sound of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 are you me?

Sounds like my situation- husband been unemployed- I’m barely holding it together- so much resentment.

+2
Me too. It totally socks and I'm actually pondering divorce. I have enough anxiety of my own and cannot deal with his expectations for me to do all the housework, food prep, child care and still be the only one working.

I feel like I have daily breakdowns. I cry, feel sorry for our situation, then feel bad I’m not being supportive.
I want to talk to someone- hoping to make a connection for him. I’ve been prayerful and hopeful- all that I can do.
I work part time, then do some private tutoring in the evening.

Some days I can’t catch my breath.
I can only image how he’s feeling… he feels lost, depressed, like a loser… it’s so hard watching your spouse fail.

OP here- youve summed it up exactly. Many sleepless nights over here and then the daytime is so hard because Im mentally exhausted and tired from not sleeping. Although going to work and being busy there feels like a vacation away from the turmoil I feel when Im at home.

Yes- that’s exactly how it is. And then I have to come home… curious to know what he did or didn’t do… sleeping in, not motivated…

This sounds like a different situation. If my DH were unemployed and playing video games all day/not looking for another job/not even trying to bring in income in the interim by driving uber, bartending, etc. I’d leave him.

Why always so quick to leave someone /divorce?! It’s not that simple and/or if for every challenge in life, you simply leave how do you grow? Our culture is so quick to quit bc of selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your husband's main skills and what kind of work environment does he naturally desire?

+1 OP just wants to complain about their spouse but not give details that would allow people to give advice. I call troll.

If you read my OP youd know I came here looking to hear from those who have been in my situation and hear how it went for them, find support from then etc. I got a lot of great suggestions and am not looking for sprcific job search advice for my husband.

If you read your thread title, you see that you complain that your DH has ruined your marriage, and you are so angry that he took this leap to be a better breadwinner.

He could flip the script and say he wish you had stayed in a more lucrative path, so that he could have less stress to make so much more money And not to be as stressed about losing his job.

It’s fine to ask advice, it’s the anger and marriage toxin that is the problem, you need perspective. It’s just support him. I would feel differently if he wasn’t interviewing or had taken a different reason to lose his job like harassment or theft. But he did all the right things and it just didn’t work out. If anything we would never be in your position because having one adult consciously aside to earn less would be ridiculous to us, but we grew up poor.