Reply to If you faced unimaginable trauma as a child, do you ever really move on?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thank you to all who have posted on this thread. I have cptsd from childhood trauma and am utterly exhausted after decades of pursuing healing. I am surprised at the level of grief, anger and pain that is still surfacing. And I am beginning to understand that the chronic pain and autoimmune issues I have as an adult are not unrelated to my childhood abuse.

I am so so angry at my mother for all the ways she caused me so much damage. And I am angry at myself for still having so much anger. I thought the anger was done, all felt and out, but the more I heal the more I discover there is still anger there and that the anger is even more profound than I had thought. I think a lot of it is fueled by realizing that I can’t just walk away from the pain of my past by building the perfect life and making all the right choices and working my a$$ off to heal emotionally. That some pain will be with you and that an abusive childhood breaks you in profound ways.

I believe there is still much healing for me to experience, but for a moment on my journey I am still in this place, experiencing that anger all over again that I have come so far but have so much more to go.

Big hugs to all - 
[/quote]
I’m sure you’ve heard something similar to my thought below, so pls ignore if it doesn’t work for you.

For me, anger doesn’t dissipate until I can find empathy. I now believe that my parents, like me, did the best they could with the tools they had. I also believe that many of their failures were a result of their trauma. That no matter how hard they tried to create perfect lives for us, they were constrained by what they had experienced and learned. I cringe when I see black parents threatening violence for backtalk; yet my parents explained to us constantly that mouthing off to the wrong authority figure could get you killed.

I know there are ways I am failing my kids that I don’t even know yet, but hopefully I’m doing better than the prior generation, and they will do better than we did, so on.

I’m sorry for your anger (which is just the pain of the little girl who was failed again and again lashing out). I hope you find peace one way or another.[/quote]

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