I forgot my friend’s kid’s nut allergy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

+1
I do think it's irresponsible of you as a parent especially since you know about the allergy and the kids are good friends, but it's not something a parent should be angry with another parent about at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think that if you have a child who also has a severe allergy you would be MORE aware/responsible, so I get her reaction. I mean, you should get it having a child of your own who is vulnerable. Forgetting is pretty awful.

You can’t remember everything. Ultimately the child needs to be responsible for what they put in their mouth.

Is that what you would say to the paramedics when they came to get a dead body out of your basement? Like seriously? If you don’t have human empathy try thinking about your homeowners insurance— she served the kid a food she knew was dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the thing, it would make my kid sad not to have any safe candy when everyone else around them had a treat. But the bigger realization would have been that the person I trusted had a lapse in judgement before they served the candy, then they could have had a lapse in judgment before they made the cake or ordered the pizza. To say “oh well I forgot, but it’s OK because I forgot in a way that didn’t happen to lead to a disaster” is still scary.

NP. But literally ANYONE can have a lapse in judgment. Including you. Including your child. Including your friends, or anyone else in the world. No one is ever going to be perfect. Anyone can forget anything at any time, so exactly how much self-flagellation should OP be doing when the parent themselves had a lapse in judgment by forgetting to remind her? It's not like an adequate amount of apologizing will magically render OP or anyone esle immune from forgetting another time. Thinking that you can be 100% reliable in everything is exactly how babies die in hot cars--it's the nature of the human brain and thinking something is foolproof or you will never forget is the biggest lapse in judgment of all.

The amount of self-flagellating that doesn’t involve trying to make excuses and shift the blame.

She served a dangerous food. She put a kid at risk while he was in her care. How much self-flagellating would you expect for any other lapse like this? Didn’t lock the pool gate, for example, with toddlers in the yard?

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing the other mother was just scared. OP don't beat yourself up. You were wrong but she should not have written to you in that way. When you have a child with severe allergies you have anxiety about this all the time. She's probably angry at herself for trusting you.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty laid back about my kids' allergies but I'd be annoyed with OP because she knew better and also because a movie night is different than a regular party. My kids sit in close proximity with their friends and pass around bowls of popcorn and share candy when they watch a movie together. I don't let anyone eat nuts then because of the possibility of exposure via hands in the popcorn or just sitting near each other and touching when they're all lounging around together. Having nuts in the mix changes the way the allergy kid can relax and hang out with the others. And I'm fine with nuts in my house normally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty laid back about my kids' allergies but I'd be annoyed with OP because she knew better and also because a movie night is different than a regular party. My kids sit in close proximity with their friends and pass around bowls of popcorn and share candy when they watch a movie together. I don't let anyone eat nuts then because of the possibility of exposure via hands in the popcorn or just sitting near each other and touching when they're all lounging around together. Having nuts in the mix changes the way the allergy kid can relax and hang out with the others. And I'm fine with nuts in my house normally.

Me again. It's not exactly right anymore that I don't "let" the other kids eat nuts. They all do this on their own because they are nice kids (tweens) who know my kids are allergic and there is plenty of non-nut candy they like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I goofed. 11DS has a friend allergic to nuts, which I’ve known for years. He’s been to our home and we’ve been out to dinner with them, although it’s been a while. From a young age, he has been diligent about avoiding nuts.

Recently, my teenage DD was diagnosed with her own severe allergy, which has thrown me for a loop. In all the chaos, I totally spaced out when planning DS’s birthday party. I bought a big bag of mixed wrapped candy bars for the boys to eat while watching a movie, not realizing one of the brands has nuts in it. The allergic kid knew not to eat it, although the other boys ate it, but he didn’t say anything to me or anyone.

The next day I got a nasty text from my friend, wondering why I had served candy with nuts when it was so upsetting to her son. I was mortified, admitted I had been completely preoccupied lately and had simply forgotten his nut allergy since I hadn’t seen him in a while. I apologized profusely and things seem smoothed over for now.

Not only do I feel bad for upsetting her son, I’m also wondering if it was her or her son’s responsibility to remind me of the allergy before the party and not ream me out by text. I’m embarrassed for the slip-up but also feel she went overboard with the nastygram. WWYD?

Was it *actually* a nasty text?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think that if you have a child who also has a severe allergy you would be MORE aware/responsible, so I get her reaction. I mean, you should get it having a child of your own who is vulnerable. Forgetting is pretty awful.

You can’t remember everything. Ultimately the child needs to be responsible for what they put in their mouth.

Is that what you would say to the paramedics when they came to get a dead body out of your basement? Like seriously? If you don’t have human empathy try thinking about your homeowners insurance— she served the kid a food she knew was dangerous.

It was offered in a bowl and labeled. Just like at Halloween. Your hysterics about a dead body are incredibly stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

+1
I do think it's irresponsible of you as a parent especially since you know about the allergy and the kids are good friends, but it's not something a parent should be angry with another parent about at that age.

Not another random parent, no. But a family friend who has known about her kid’s allergy for YEARS is someone she presumably (and with good reason) trusted to keep her kid safe. Probably feels somewhat betrayed by OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

+1
I do think it's irresponsible of you as a parent especially since you know about the allergy and the kids are good friends, but it's not something a parent should be angry with another parent about at that age.

Not another random parent, no. But a family friend who has known about her kid’s allergy for YEARS is someone she presumably (and with good reason) trusted to keep her kid safe. Probably feels somewhat betrayed by OP.

OP said she has her own problems. Get a grip. Her kid knew what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty laid back about my kids' allergies but I'd be annoyed with OP because she knew better and also because a movie night is different than a regular party. My kids sit in close proximity with their friends and pass around bowls of popcorn and share candy when they watch a movie together. I don't let anyone eat nuts then because of the possibility of exposure via hands in the popcorn or just sitting near each other and touching when they're all lounging around together. Having nuts in the mix changes the way the allergy kid can relax and hang out with the others. And I'm fine with nuts in my house normally.

You make a good point about it being a movie and sharing candy and popcorn and exposure.
It's hard to think these things through even when you have a kid with severe allergies to nuts. I think OP is a good parent and a good friend and just made a mistake. It's human. She feels bad. I think her actions are really different from some other adults I've seen.

While volunteering once I saw another parent hand a kid a cookie during a class party and the kid asked her if it had nuts. The teacher had warned the parents that several kids had nut allergies when the parents arrived and told us which kids we should be careful about. The parent reassured the kid it did not have nuts but did not check the label. The kid was smart so the kid asked another parent for the box. The kid read the box. Sure enough the cookies contained nuts! It was shocking to watch this unfold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think that if you have a child who also has a severe allergy you would be MORE aware/responsible, so I get her reaction. I mean, you should get it having a child of your own who is vulnerable. Forgetting is pretty awful.

You can’t remember everything. Ultimately the child needs to be responsible for what they put in their mouth.

Is that what you would say to the paramedics when they came to get a dead body out of your basement? Like seriously? If you don’t have human empathy try thinking about your homeowners insurance— she served the kid a food she knew was dangerous.

It was offered in a bowl and labeled. Just like at Halloween. Your hysterics about a dead body are incredibly stupid.

Not like Halloween, when you’re not responsible for any of your trick or treaters.

OP was responsible for this child. She was aware of his allergy and served him a dangerous food anyway. If he had died— a potential outcome with a serious enough allergy— do you really think she’d have no responsibility? Would she tell the paramedics that it was just like Halloween?

She should feel bad, apologize, and do better. Trying to contort herself to make it fine to serve a kid with a nut allergy nuts is an incredible waste of energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

+1
I do think it's irresponsible of you as a parent especially since you know about the allergy and the kids are good friends, but it's not something a parent should be angry with another parent about at that age.

Not another random parent, no. But a family friend who has known about her kid’s allergy for YEARS is someone she presumably (and with good reason) trusted to keep her kid safe. Probably feels somewhat betrayed by OP.

OP said she has her own problems. Get a grip. Her kid knew what to do.

If your problems make you incapable of safely hosting a child, don’t host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think that if you have a child who also has a severe allergy you would be MORE aware/responsible, so I get her reaction. I mean, you should get it having a child of your own who is vulnerable. Forgetting is pretty awful.

You can’t remember everything. Ultimately the child needs to be responsible for what they put in their mouth.

Is that what you would say to the paramedics when they came to get a dead body out of your basement? Like seriously? If you don’t have human empathy try thinking about your homeowners insurance— she served the kid a food she knew was dangerous.

It was offered in a bowl and labeled. Just like at Halloween. Your hysterics about a dead body are incredibly stupid.

Not like Halloween, when you’re not responsible for any of your trick or treaters.

OP was responsible for this child. She was aware of his allergy and served him a dangerous food anyway. If he had died— a potential outcome with a serious enough allergy— do you really think she’d have no responsibility? Would she tell the paramedics that it was just like Halloween?

She should feel bad, apologize, and do better. Trying to contort herself to make it fine to serve a kid with a nut allergy nuts is an incredible waste of energy.

The kid wasn't served the food. It was offered and refused. Served would be like putting a slice of cake on a plate. No labels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

+1
I do think it's irresponsible of you as a parent especially since you know about the allergy and the kids are good friends, but it's not something a parent should be angry with another parent about at that age.

Not another random parent, no. But a family friend who has known about her kid’s allergy for YEARS is someone she presumably (and with good reason) trusted to keep her kid safe. Probably feels somewhat betrayed by OP.

OP said she has her own problems. Get a grip. Her kid knew what to do.

If your problems make you incapable of safely hosting a child, don’t host.

Your naivete is going to bite you some day. You think your kid is perfectly safe whenever they are in a home not yours? Okay, lady.