I forgot my friend’s kid’s nut allergy

[Anonymous]

How do you forget something like this if you've known for years? So bizarre.

At least he didn't eat it, no real harm done. But I'm sure if you wouldn't be happy if your friend of "years" served your child something that could kill her and then flippantly dismissed it later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I appreciate all the responses. My friend was more concerned that her son would have a reaction, either physical or psychological, if people were eating nuts near him, not that he would eat something he shouldn’t. I guess there’s more to this than simple ingestion. I’m learning!

And we’re learning that you are moving the goal posts of your story. If that were true, you would have included that. But it’s not true, you just don’t like that you’re getting called out for your “goof” attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Gee, do you think she’s micromanaging and helicopter-y because a lot of adults like you have “blown it” and act like it’s a “goof”?

Did helicopter mom tell OP that her house must be entirely nut free in order for her son to be there? That's an impossible standard for a house that isn't already nut free.

That’s not what it’s about. It’s very hard on a kid when a trusted adult or a grandparent/aunt/whomever—who has known about the allergy for years—“goofs.” It makes them feel unsafe with someone they are supposed to trust.

What is the rule that is supposed to followed exactly? What should everyone do to make it safe for a kid with a nut allergy to attend a party?

1) No unlabeled food; if you’re going to order pizza, order from somewhere that the parents can review the allergens, like Papa John’s instead of the local place with no unpublished info
2) Discussion with parents and kids beforehand
3) Every label checked by both a parent and by the kid
4) If there’s any question, you call the other parent—be ready to screen shot a label
5) Don’t mix/offer food together. Like no mixed candy in a bowl. Keep everything in separate bags, allergy kid and parent read the labels
6) Do not have an “there is an epi-pen here so it’s fine” attitude. A DOCTOR recently died at Disney even after an epi-pen was administered. An epi-pen does not = absolute safety.

Uh, no. Not going to work. Way too many rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Gee, do you think she’s micromanaging and helicopter-y because a lot of adults like you have “blown it” and act like it’s a “goof”?

Did helicopter mom tell OP that her house must be entirely nut free in order for her son to be there? That's an impossible standard for a house that isn't already nut free.

That’s not what it’s about. It’s very hard on a kid when a trusted adult or a grandparent/aunt/whomever—who has known about the allergy for years—“goofs.” It makes them feel unsafe with someone they are supposed to trust.

What is the rule that is supposed to followed exactly? What should everyone do to make it safe for a kid with a nut allergy to attend a party?

1) No unlabeled food; if you’re going to order pizza, order from somewhere that the parents can review the allergens, like Papa John’s instead of the local place with no unpublished info
2) Discussion with parents and kids beforehand
3) Every label checked by both a parent and by the kid
4) If there’s any question, you call the other parent—be ready to screen shot a label
5) Don’t mix/offer food together. Like no mixed candy in a bowl. Keep everything in separate bags, allergy kid and parent read the labels
6) Do not have an “there is an epi-pen here so it’s fine” attitude. A DOCTOR recently died at Disney even after an epi-pen was administered. An epi-pen does not = absolute safety.

Uh, no. Not going to work. Way too many rules.

OK, that is great to know up front. We don’t want to associate with parents who don’t care about children’s safety. I’m so glad my daughters have friends whose parents are awesome about checking in, full discussion, full disclosure, and accommodating them. My daughters have friends whose parents are inclusive, thoughtful, and safe. We are grateful for our inclusive community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Gee, do you think she’s micromanaging and helicopter-y because a lot of adults like you have “blown it” and act like it’s a “goof”?

Did helicopter mom tell OP that her house must be entirely nut free in order for her son to be there? That's an impossible standard for a house that isn't already nut free.

That’s not what it’s about. It’s very hard on a kid when a trusted adult or a grandparent/aunt/whomever—who has known about the allergy for years—“goofs.” It makes them feel unsafe with someone they are supposed to trust.

What is the rule that is supposed to followed exactly? What should everyone do to make it safe for a kid with a nut allergy to attend a party?

1) No unlabeled food; if you’re going to order pizza, order from somewhere that the parents can review the allergens, like Papa John’s instead of the local place with no unpublished info
2) Discussion with parents and kids beforehand
3) Every label checked by both a parent and by the kid
4) If there’s any question, you call the other parent—be ready to screen shot a label
5) Don’t mix/offer food together. Like no mixed candy in a bowl. Keep everything in separate bags, allergy kid and parent read the labels
6) Do not have an “there is an epi-pen here so it’s fine” attitude. A DOCTOR recently died at Disney even after an epi-pen was administered. An epi-pen does not = absolute safety.

Uh, no. Not going to work. Way too many rules.

OK, that is great to know up front. We don’t want to associate with parents who don’t care about children’s safety. I’m so glad my daughters have friends whose parents are awesome about checking in, full discussion, full disclosure, and accommodating them. My daughters have friends whose parents are inclusive, thoughtful, and safe. We are grateful for our inclusive community.

Cool. My best friend growing up had a peanut allergy and her mom never did any of the above. Worked out fine.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you handled it appropriately. Fortunately it was an oops and not a major health crisis, but some 11 year olds would tear into a snack without paying attention.

Your friend was rude, but I would give some grace. My oldest has multiple allergies including all tree nuts and peanuts. There was so much anxiety sending her into the world unsupervised. As an allergy mom, you’re going to experience people who think you’re crazy, people who don’t think allergies are real, people who want you to do what their doctor or some guy on tv said rather than what your doctor said. It is wearying. She probably felt upset that what she thought was a safe spot didn’t turn out that way.

If you were my friend I probably would have said something but not in anything approaching that tone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Gee, do you think she’s micromanaging and helicopter-y because a lot of adults like you have “blown it” and act like it’s a “goof”?

Did helicopter mom tell OP that her house must be entirely nut free in order for her son to be there? That's an impossible standard for a house that isn't already nut free.

That’s not what it’s about. It’s very hard on a kid when a trusted adult or a grandparent/aunt/whomever—who has known about the allergy for years—“goofs.” It makes them feel unsafe with someone they are supposed to trust.

What is the rule that is supposed to followed exactly? What should everyone do to make it safe for a kid with a nut allergy to attend a party?

1) No unlabeled food; if you’re going to order pizza, order from somewhere that the parents can review the allergens, like Papa John’s instead of the local place with no unpublished info
2) Discussion with parents and kids beforehand
3) Every label checked by both a parent and by the kid
4) If there’s any question, you call the other parent—be ready to screen shot a label
5) Don’t mix/offer food together. Like no mixed candy in a bowl. Keep everything in separate bags, allergy kid and parent read the labels
6) Do not have an “there is an epi-pen here so it’s fine” attitude. A DOCTOR recently died at Disney even after an epi-pen was administered. An epi-pen does not = absolute safety.

Uh, no. Not going to work. Way too many rules.

OK, that is great to know up front. We don’t want to associate with parents who don’t care about children’s safety. I’m so glad my daughters have friends whose parents are awesome about checking in, full discussion, full disclosure, and accommodating them. My daughters have friends whose parents are inclusive, thoughtful, and safe. We are grateful for our inclusive community.

Cool. My best friend growing up had a peanut allergy and her mom never did any of the above. Worked out fine.

That’s great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Don't have that kid over anymore. Problem solved.

Or be the grown up and invite the kid anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Don't have that kid over anymore. Problem solved.

Or be the grown up and invite the kid anyway.

Why? I care about safety and can't guarantee a sterile peanut free environment.

[Anonymous]

That mom is psycho. My DD could identify nut risky candy before she could even read. By 11 she was an expert.

Signed,
A peanut allergy mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Don't have that kid over anymore. Problem solved.

Or be the grown up and invite the kid anyway.

Why? I care about safety and can't guarantee a sterile peanut free environment.

Nobody asked for that. They asked for communication, checking labels, and no label-free food *for that kid.* If other kids want to eat unlabeled food or ice cream that May Contain Tree Nuts, that’s great. But if you’re not willing to have conversations and check labels, please by all means ban my kid from your home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That mom is psycho. My DD could identify nut risky candy before she could even read. By 11 she was an expert.

Signed,
A peanut allergy mom

Not all kids can do that. Some kids will deliberately rub their allergen on an allergic kid. This happened to my daughter in late elementary. Reactions can’t be predicted, you can have a mild reaction and later a severe reaction to the same exposure. You’re either not actually the mom of a kid with an allergy or you’ve received very bad advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Don't have that kid over anymore. Problem solved.

Or be the grown up and invite the kid anyway.

Why? I care about safety and can't guarantee a sterile peanut free environment.

Nobody asked for that. They asked for communication, checking labels, and no label-free food *for that kid.* If other kids want to eat unlabeled food or ice cream that May Contain Tree Nuts, that’s great. But if you’re not willing to have conversations and check labels, please by all means ban my kid from your home!

Right, and that's too much responsibility for one kid. No other kid with an allergy has come to my house with rules like that. It's weird. That parent would be an outlier and I wouldn't be interested in that sort of micromanaging of what happens in my home.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. Honestly, the best course of action for that kid is to not eat any candy at all in situations like this. That's what my high school son does.

FWIW, my son is allergic to almost all tree nuts and peanuts and we do not have a nut-free home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Don't have that kid over anymore. Problem solved.

Or be the grown up and invite the kid anyway.

Why? I care about safety and can't guarantee a sterile peanut free environment.

Nobody asked for that. They asked for communication, checking labels, and no label-free food *for that kid.* If other kids want to eat unlabeled food or ice cream that May Contain Tree Nuts, that’s great. But if you’re not willing to have conversations and check labels, please by all means ban my kid from your home!

OP didn’t serve unlabeled food.