I forgot my friend’s kid’s nut allergy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Peanut allergies are different than other food allergies where a child might get a stomach ache or diarrhea. A person can go into anaphylaxis where their tongue /throat swells, blood pressure drops and they stop breathing.

As someone whose child ended up in ICU from something that wasn’t a peanut, it’s really horrifying to have you imply that somehow peanuts are unique in causing anaphylaxis.

My son's good friend had this type of allergy to eggs. The mom didn't demand to take over the entire party menu to make sure her son could eat everything. She brought him his own cupcake and pizza. Even at his parties she had one egg free cake and one regular cake. One parent trying to dominate the menu to suit her kid's specific allergy, ignoring what other allergies or dietary issues might be at play is really over the top. Who does that? People want to do the right thing but it's impossible to make any guarantees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am usually pretty chill when it comes to my son’s but allergy and I always think it is our responsibility to monitor it not other parents. My 13 year old usually finds it easier just not to eat anything at other people houses unless he is 100% sure. So yes he will have a slice of pizza but never baked goods, candy or even ice cream.

But in the situation you describe where kids are watching a movie and there is a bag of chocolates I would be pissed. Kids get distracted during movies and just glance down for a split second to unwrap chocolates and eat them. Chances are it was also dark during the movie.It makes it worse that you are familiar with his allergy and so maybe he could have let his guard down.

Peanut allergies are different than other food allergies where a child might get a stomach ache or diarrhea. A person can go into anaphylaxis where their tongue /throat swells, blood pressure drops and they stop breathing.

I probably too care free about my son’s nut allergy. I never care about people washing hands if they recently ate nuts, he didn’t sit at the nut free table, his siblings eat pb&j sandwiches next to him, etc. But wow even I would be pissed and not want him at your house ever again.

Great, we’ll be sure to leave him off all invitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That mom is psycho. My DD could identify nut risky candy before she could even read. By 11 she was an expert.

Signed,
A peanut allergy mom

Not all kids can do that. Some kids will deliberately rub their allergen on an allergic kid. This happened to my daughter in late elementary. Reactions can’t be predicted, you can have a mild reaction and later a severe reaction to the same exposure. You’re either not actually the mom of a kid with an allergy or you’ve received very bad advice.

This. To the peanut allergy mom, your child must have a mild-non-epipen allergy. Better hope it stays that way because with one of my kids it moved into the territory mentioned above and life threatening. We advocate and get lots of eyerolls when we remind. Nothing like someone who's kid might get hives or digestive issues telling a parent of a kid who could die to chill out.

No, she carries an epipen. She’s 16 now. She always keeps safe snacks on her too. We’ve also had times where she needed to DoorDash something safe to eat. She is great at managing it, which is important because I am there less and less as she ages. It is ultimately her responsibility.

[Anonymous]

You’re a forgetful monster OP FULL STOP

[Anonymous]

I would think that if you have a child who also has a severe allergy you would be MORE aware/responsible, so I get her reaction. I mean, you should get it having a child of your own who is vulnerable. Forgetting is pretty awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Peanut allergies are different than other food allergies where a child might get a stomach ache or diarrhea. A person can go into anaphylaxis where their tongue /throat swells, blood pressure drops and they stop breathing.

As someone whose child ended up in ICU from something that wasn’t a peanut, it’s really horrifying to have you imply that somehow peanuts are unique in causing anaphylaxis.

NP and SERIOUSLY THIS! My kid has a tree nut allergy but can eat peanuts. Almost every parent gets stuck on “it’s peanut free.” Yeah great, but does it contain or may contain tree nuts?

Ugghhh. So many well-meaning but dangerous parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think that if you have a child who also has a severe allergy you would be MORE aware/responsible, so I get her reaction. I mean, you should get it having a child of your own who is vulnerable. Forgetting is pretty awful.

Seriously this should be part of every conversation about kids and restaurants and even your adult guests! I always ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think that if you have a child who also has a severe allergy you would be MORE aware/responsible, so I get her reaction. I mean, you should get it having a child of your own who is vulnerable. Forgetting is pretty awful.

You can’t remember everything. Ultimately the child needs to be responsible for what they put in their mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the thing, it would make my kid sad not to have any safe candy when everyone else around them had a treat. But the bigger realization would have been that the person I trusted had a lapse in judgement before they served the candy, then they could have had a lapse in judgment before they made the cake or ordered the pizza. To say “oh well I forgot, but it’s OK because I forgot in a way that didn’t happen to lead to a disaster” is still scary.

NP. But literally ANYONE can have a lapse in judgment. Including you. Including your child. Including your friends, or anyone else in the world. No one is ever going to be perfect. Anyone can forget anything at any time, so exactly how much self-flagellation should OP be doing when the parent themselves had a lapse in judgment by forgetting to remind her? It's not like an adequate amount of apologizing will magically render OP or anyone esle immune from forgetting another time. Thinking that you can be 100% reliable in everything is exactly how babies die in hot cars--it's the nature of the human brain and thinking something is foolproof or you will never forget is the biggest lapse in judgment of all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the thing, it would make my kid sad not to have any safe candy when everyone else around them had a treat. But the bigger realization would have been that the person I trusted had a lapse in judgement before they served the candy, then they could have had a lapse in judgment before they made the cake or ordered the pizza. To say “oh well I forgot, but it’s OK because I forgot in a way that didn’t happen to lead to a disaster” is still scary.

NP. But literally ANYONE can have a lapse in judgment. Including you. Including your child. Including your friends, or anyone else in the world. No one is ever going to be perfect. Anyone can forget anything at any time, so exactly how much self-flagellation should OP be doing when the parent themselves had a lapse in judgment by forgetting to remind her? It's not like an adequate amount of apologizing will magically render OP or anyone esle immune from forgetting another time. Thinking that you can be 100% reliable in everything is exactly how babies die in hot cars--it's the nature of the human brain and thinking something is foolproof or you will never forget is the biggest lapse in judgment of all.

So, OP can have a lapse in judgement but OP’s friend who sent one text doesn’t have the right to feel scared and have that tone come across in a text? OP wasn’t sued or even yelled at. They certainly weren’t flagellated. They got one strongly worded text.

[Anonymous]

My young adult son is anaphylactic to peanuts, pistachios, hazelnuts and possibly pine nuts (never proven, I've never met an allergist who could do a skin test for that).

Some of our friends and relatives have, over the course of his childhood, forgotten his allergies, particularly because previously he couldn't eat ANY nuts, and also had reactions to almonds, pecans, walnuts, etc, so it became rather complicated to follow.

We would never excoriate them for their memory slips. It's hard to remember when you're not living with the child in question!

However, I did give my husband a very hard time for forgetting his own son's allergies when he was younger. We, the parents, are supposed to act as bulwarks! He forgot on two occasions, which lead to severe reactions both times: I was livid. My husband and son have ADHD, which makes remembering allergies harder... but still. I was hyper vigilant when DS was young and I would always remind hosts of parties that he was allergic to nuts, and hand them the Epipen. I only felt more relaxed when as a teen he started remembering his own allergies systematically. He still forgets his Epipen.

ADHD and anaphylaxia is a really bad mix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the thing, it would make my kid sad not to have any safe candy when everyone else around them had a treat. But the bigger realization would have been that the person I trusted had a lapse in judgement before they served the candy, then they could have had a lapse in judgment before they made the cake or ordered the pizza. To say “oh well I forgot, but it’s OK because I forgot in a way that didn’t happen to lead to a disaster” is still scary.

NP. But literally ANYONE can have a lapse in judgment. Including you. Including your child. Including your friends, or anyone else in the world. No one is ever going to be perfect. Anyone can forget anything at any time, so exactly how much self-flagellation should OP be doing when the parent themselves had a lapse in judgment by forgetting to remind her? It's not like an adequate amount of apologizing will magically render OP or anyone esle immune from forgetting another time. Thinking that you can be 100% reliable in everything is exactly how babies die in hot cars--it's the nature of the human brain and thinking something is foolproof or you will never forget is the biggest lapse in judgment of all.

So, OP can have a lapse in judgement but OP’s friend who sent one text doesn’t have the right to feel scared and have that tone come across in a text? OP wasn’t sued or even yelled at. They certainly weren’t flagellated. They got one strongly worded text.

That’s fine in the moment but I would likely expect an apology for overreacting the next time I saw her. And if she continued to give me attitude that would the friendship done with.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what you could do besides apologize. You usually remember, and this was an oversight. I hope she can forgive and you can move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My young adult son is anaphylactic to peanuts, pistachios, hazelnuts and possibly pine nuts (never proven, I've never met an allergist who could do a skin test for that).

Some of our friends and relatives have, over the course of his childhood, forgotten his allergies, particularly because previously he couldn't eat ANY nuts, and also had reactions to almonds, pecans, walnuts, etc, so it became rather complicated to follow.

We would never excoriate them for their memory slips. It's hard to remember when you're not living with the child in question!

However, I did give my husband a very hard time for forgetting his own son's allergies when he was younger. We, the parents, are supposed to act as bulwarks! He forgot on two occasions, which lead to severe reactions both times: I was livid. My husband and son have ADHD, which makes remembering allergies harder... but still. I was hyper vigilant when DS was young and I would always remind hosts of parties that he was allergic to nuts, and hand them the Epipen. I only felt more relaxed when as a teen he started remembering his own allergies systematically. He still forgets his Epipen.

ADHD and anaphylaxia is a really bad mix.

Why haven’t you just categorically ruled out tree nuts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the thing, it would make my kid sad not to have any safe candy when everyone else around them had a treat. But the bigger realization would have been that the person I trusted had a lapse in judgement before they served the candy, then they could have had a lapse in judgment before they made the cake or ordered the pizza. To say “oh well I forgot, but it’s OK because I forgot in a way that didn’t happen to lead to a disaster” is still scary.

NP. But literally ANYONE can have a lapse in judgment. Including you. Including your child. Including your friends, or anyone else in the world. No one is ever going to be perfect. Anyone can forget anything at any time, so exactly how much self-flagellation should OP be doing when the parent themselves had a lapse in judgment by forgetting to remind her? It's not like an adequate amount of apologizing will magically render OP or anyone esle immune from forgetting another time. Thinking that you can be 100% reliable in everything is exactly how babies die in hot cars--it's the nature of the human brain and thinking something is foolproof or you will never forget is the biggest lapse in judgment of all.

So, OP can have a lapse in judgement but OP’s friend who sent one text doesn’t have the right to feel scared and have that tone come across in a text? OP wasn’t sued or even yelled at. They certainly weren’t flagellated. They got one strongly worded text.

One is intentional and the other isn't.