I forgot my friend’s kid’s nut allergy

[Anonymous]

I goofed. 11DS has a friend allergic to nuts, which I’ve known for years. He’s been to our home and we’ve been out to dinner with them, although it’s been a while. From a young age, he has been diligent about avoiding nuts.

Recently, my teenage DD was diagnosed with her own severe allergy, which has thrown me for a loop. In all the chaos, I totally spaced out when planning DS’s birthday party. I bought a big bag of mixed wrapped candy bars for the boys to eat while watching a movie, not realizing one of the brands has nuts in it. The allergic kid knew not to eat it, although the other boys ate it, but he didn’t say anything to me or anyone.

The next day I got a nasty text from my friend, wondering why I had served candy with nuts when it was so upsetting to her son. I was mortified, admitted I had been completely preoccupied lately and had simply forgotten his nut allergy since I hadn’t seen him in a while. I apologized profusely and things seem smoothed over for now.

Not only do I feel bad for upsetting her son, I’m also wondering if it was her or her son’s responsibility to remind me of the allergy before the party and not ream me out by text. I’m embarrassed for the slip-up but also feel she went overboard with the nastygram. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

So he saw the candy, knew not to eat it, didn't eat it and went home to cry to Mommy that you had nuts in your house? This really happened?

[Anonymous]

I think you can apologize. I think you can apologize and move on. Obviously, usually these things are unintentional.

At 11 years old, my kids with my allergies knew not to eat certain candies. If there was a mix bag like the Hershey’s and the good bar, he would know to eat just the plain Hershey’s not the goodbar at that age. It depends on how strict the family is are some of them don’t eat any of them.

At my son’s best friend house I always had an extra EpiPen available and also the 11 year old should be carrying an EpiPen anyway.

It was an accident. You apologize and move on.

I think the mother flipped on you because what’s frustrating about it is that it is so out of her control and a deathly scary thing. At least you understand the severity, but please let yourself off the hook.

[Anonymous]

I have kindergarteners who know what they are allergic to and will tell me when I ask at the beginning of the year. An 11 year old should know better.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell my kid who's friends with the Nut Kid to always remind me when he's coming over that he's allergic and I'd try to remember myself. And I'd keep snacks that don't have nuts in a special place in a container with his name on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he saw the candy, knew not to eat it, didn't eat it and went home to cry to Mommy that you had nuts in your house? This really happened?

The kid is 11. I could see mine making just an off handed comment like "yeah it was a ton of fun but I couldn't eat the candy during the movie because it had nuts in it". Not complaining or crying, just a comment because he was a little disappointed. Certainly not thinking I would make a big deal out of it.

If you've known them for years, I don't think they need to remind you of the allergy. But I don't think she should have reamed you out either. You said things have smoothed over now. So you can either choose to let this go or let it bother you to the point it impacts your friendship.

[Anonymous]

This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

[Anonymous]

OP: Thanks, all. Good advice. I don’t want to keep beating myself up, and I’m sure my friend flipped out because it is such a scary thing. I won’t forget again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he saw the candy, knew not to eat it, didn't eat it and went home to cry to Mommy that you had nuts in your house? This really happened?

The kid is 11. I could see mine making just an off handed comment like "yeah it was a ton of fun but I couldn't eat the candy during the movie because it had nuts in it". Not complaining or crying, just a comment because he was a little disappointed. Certainly not thinking I would make a big deal out of it.

If you've known them for years, I don't think they need to remind you of the allergy. But I don't think she should have reamed you out either. You said things have smoothed over now. So you can either choose to let this go or let it bother you to the point it impacts your friendship.

OPs friend should tell her kid that other people may have nuts in their homes. They don't have to throw out everything with nuts just because he's coming over. Wrapped candies that are clearly labeled such as "Snickers" are not a huge risk. OP didn't make a birthday cake with nuts, slice and serve it him. That would be different. But the kid needs to be aware that other people don't live in nut free homes.

[Anonymous]

While an 11yo knows better, it’s still kind of scary. My daughters have friends we’ve known for years, and I still double-check and the onus is definitely on me/my kids, but it can be very frustrating when people “goof.” It’s not a “goof.” It’s extremely dangerous.

It’s dangerous especially if my kids are dealing with their grandparents or people we have known forever who should know and remember. I go overboard with reminders and reminding the kids, etc., but it makes me want to scream when my mom makes cranberry sauce with walnuts ***for the first time in her life, she always just boils cranberries/sugar/water*** and then acts huffy when I double-check the suspicious-looking cranberries and she’s like “Oh yeah I put walnuts in this year” and I say you should have told me AND my sister, as between the two of us we have three kids with nut allergies.

It’s hard not to be able to fully trust grandparents or parents of good friends. That said, the burden lies on the parent and the allergy kid, not you, but I can see why the kid would be upset. You’re supposed to be a “safe person.” That said, the mom should not have yelled at you at all. She should have just discussed it with you for next time.

[Anonymous]

And the kid ate candy because there were nut-free, wrapped options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Don't have that kid over anymore. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And the kid ate candy because there were nut-free, wrapped options.

If they were all mixed together in a bowl by a trusted adult, that’s a problem. Not a problem that OP should have gotten yelled at about, but still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Gee, do you think she’s micromanaging and helicopter-y because a lot of adults like you have “blown it” and act like it’s a “goof”?