How to handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

That's not quite true. I have been around for almost a decade and when they were younger, they were nicer (read: their mom hadn't poisoned them as much) and I never escalated my demands. You know why? Because I have my own kids to worry about and I don't have that much time. If anything, I am around much less and so are my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I would think they don't like you, for several reasons.

1) Teens just don't really like adults that much.

2) You're trying to make them spend time with you and your kids, and they don't want to. It doesn't matter why they don't want to. You're trying to pressure and coerce them and they don't like being pressured and coerced.

3) You're planning to move in to their dad's house or have him give up his house and move in with you, so that they can't come home without seeing you and maybe your kids. So they are losing the peace of their home, and maybe the home itself, permanently. You think they don't know this, but they do, and they don't like it.

4) You are treating them like they are little and clueless or stupid, and that offends them. See above.

1. Ok. Fine. I agree.

2. I don't make them do anything with me. Our Spring Break overlapped in FLORIDA for one day and that's the last time they had to see us.

3. My kids are younger so I am not planning on moving into their house and nor is their dad planning on moving into mine. When everyone is grown and we RETIRE, we might move somewhere new together. Don't a lot of people do that? That shouldn't be a threat.

4. I am not treating them like they are clueless. Where do you get off projecting this much?????

2) But you're seeing them, just you, right? And they know perfectly well that you want to make them see your kids.

3) Okay, well they don't like that idea either. And you said in your original post that you are planning to live together when they are all in college which is about 5 years from now. So which is it?

4) They know what you want, stop acting like they don't. They absolutely do have something to feel "threatened" about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

That's not quite true. I have been around for almost a decade and when they were younger, they were nicer (read: their mom hadn't poisoned them as much) and I never escalated my demands. You know why? Because I have my own kids to worry about and I don't have that much time. If anything, I am around much less and so are my kids.

But you would escalate if you thought it would succeed. And you are planning to move in with their dad in 5 years. You said that in your initial post. That is escalating.

Answer the question, what do you think life will be like when you move in together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I would think they don't like you, for several reasons.

1) Teens just don't really like adults that much.

2) You're trying to make them spend time with you and your kids, and they don't want to. It doesn't matter why they don't want to. You're trying to pressure and coerce them and they don't like being pressured and coerced.

3) You're planning to move in to their dad's house or have him give up his house and move in with you, so that they can't come home without seeing you and maybe your kids. So they are losing the peace of their home, and maybe the home itself, permanently. You think they don't know this, but they do, and they don't like it.

4) You are treating them like they are little and clueless or stupid, and that offends them. See above.

1. Ok. Fine. I agree.

2. I don't make them do anything with me. Our Spring Break overlapped in FLORIDA for one day and that's the last time they had to see us.

3. My kids are younger so I am not planning on moving into their house and nor is their dad planning on moving into mine. When everyone is grown and we RETIRE, we might move somewhere new together. Don't a lot of people do that? That shouldn't be a threat.

4. I am not treating them like they are clueless. Where do you get off projecting this much?????

2) But you're seeing them, just you, right? And they know perfectly well that you want to make them see your kids.

3) Okay, well they don't like that idea either. And you said in your original post that you are planning to live together when they are all in college which is about 5 years from now. So which is it?

4) They know what you want, stop acting like they don't. They absolutely do have something to feel "threatened" about.

I am done arguing with you. You have zero empathy and think you know everything based on your own life. Have a good day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I would think they don't like you, for several reasons.

1) Teens just don't really like adults that much.

2) You're trying to make them spend time with you and your kids, and they don't want to. It doesn't matter why they don't want to. You're trying to pressure and coerce them and they don't like being pressured and coerced.

3) You're planning to move in to their dad's house or have him give up his house and move in with you, so that they can't come home without seeing you and maybe your kids. So they are losing the peace of their home, and maybe the home itself, permanently. You think they don't know this, but they do, and they don't like it.

4) You are treating them like they are little and clueless or stupid, and that offends them. See above.

1. Ok. Fine. I agree.

2. I don't make them do anything with me. Our Spring Break overlapped in FLORIDA for one day and that's the last time they had to see us.

3. My kids are younger so I am not planning on moving into their house and nor is their dad planning on moving into mine. When everyone is grown and we RETIRE, we might move somewhere new together. Don't a lot of people do that? That shouldn't be a threat.

4. I am not treating them like they are clueless. Where do you get off projecting this much?????

2) But you're seeing them, just you, right? And they know perfectly well that you want to make them see your kids.

3) Okay, well they don't like that idea either. And you said in your original post that you are planning to live together when they are all in college which is about 5 years from now. So which is it?

4) They know what you want, stop acting like they don't. They absolutely do have something to feel "threatened" about.

I am done arguing with you. You have zero empathy and think you know everything based on your own life. Have a good day.

Best of luck coercing them into liking you! Happy blended holidays will surely follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

That's not quite true. I have been around for almost a decade and when they were younger, they were nicer (read: their mom hadn't poisoned them as much) and I never escalated my demands. You know why? Because I have my own kids to worry about and I don't have that much time. If anything, I am around much less and so are my kids.

But you would escalate if you thought it would succeed. And you are planning to move in with their dad in 5 years. You said that in your initial post. That is escalating.

Answer the question, what do you think life will be like when you move in together?

I don't care to argue with you because your solution is for us to give up on this relationship based on the kids. We aren't going to do that. We want to help them. Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

That's not quite true. I have been around for almost a decade and when they were younger, they were nicer (read: their mom hadn't poisoned them as much) and I never escalated my demands. You know why? Because I have my own kids to worry about and I don't have that much time. If anything, I am around much less and so are my kids.

But you would escalate if you thought it would succeed. And you are planning to move in with their dad in 5 years. You said that in your initial post. That is escalating.

Answer the question, what do you think life will be like when you move in together?

I don't care to argue with you because your solution is for us to give up on this relationship based on the kids. We aren't going to do that. We want to help them. Yes.

Honestly it seems like you want to change them (not the same as helping them), and he does not want to intervene. I wonder if he does not actually want to move in with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

That's not quite true. I have been around for almost a decade and when they were younger, they were nicer (read: their mom hadn't poisoned them as much) and I never escalated my demands. You know why? Because I have my own kids to worry about and I don't have that much time. If anything, I am around much less and so are my kids.

But you would escalate if you thought it would succeed. And you are planning to move in with their dad in 5 years. You said that in your initial post. That is escalating.

Answer the question, what do you think life will be like when you move in together?

I don't care to argue with you because your solution is for us to give up on this relationship based on the kids. We aren't going to do that. We want to help them. Yes.

So what solution do you think is realistically possible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

That's not quite true. I have been around for almost a decade and when they were younger, they were nicer (read: their mom hadn't poisoned them as much) and I never escalated my demands. You know why? Because I have my own kids to worry about and I don't have that much time. If anything, I am around much less and so are my kids.

But you would escalate if you thought it would succeed. And you are planning to move in with their dad in 5 years. You said that in your initial post. That is escalating.

Answer the question, what do you think life will be like when you move in together?

I don't care to argue with you because your solution is for us to give up on this relationship based on the kids. We aren't going to do that. We want to help them. Yes.

So what solution do you think is realistically possible?

For me to stay out of their way until they mature and don't see our existence as them betraying their mother. Because that's all that is going on here. Once their mom stops poisoning them, they might grow out of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

That's not quite true. I have been around for almost a decade and when they were younger, they were nicer (read: their mom hadn't poisoned them as much) and I never escalated my demands. You know why? Because I have my own kids to worry about and I don't have that much time. If anything, I am around much less and so are my kids.

But you would escalate if you thought it would succeed. And you are planning to move in with their dad in 5 years. You said that in your initial post. That is escalating.

Answer the question, what do you think life will be like when you move in together?

I don't care to argue with you because your solution is for us to give up on this relationship based on the kids. We aren't going to do that. We want to help them. Yes.

Honestly it seems like you want to change them (not the same as helping them), and he does not want to intervene. I wonder if he does not actually want to move in with you.

OMG. Enough of you.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is why you don’t detail your private life on DCUM. It’s not the place to come for sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

That's not quite true. I have been around for almost a decade and when they were younger, they were nicer (read: their mom hadn't poisoned them as much) and I never escalated my demands. You know why? Because I have my own kids to worry about and I don't have that much time. If anything, I am around much less and so are my kids.

But you would escalate if you thought it would succeed. And you are planning to move in with their dad in 5 years. You said that in your initial post. That is escalating.

Answer the question, what do you think life will be like when you move in together?

I don't care to argue with you because your solution is for us to give up on this relationship based on the kids. We aren't going to do that. We want to help them. Yes.

So what solution do you think is realistically possible?

For me to stay out of their way until they mature and don't see our existence as them betraying their mother. Because that's all that is going on here. Once their mom stops poisoning them, they might grow out of this.

So you're going to invest five more years on "might"?

Look, it's a classic new partner move to blame everything on the ex. But even if she is as crazy and awful as you say, they might still just not like you. Because lots of people don't like their stepfamily even when nobody involved is crazy or alienating at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

OK. You win.

Look, it's not an easy road to be the parent of adults with mental health problems. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for some even more difficult challenges if he doesn't intervene and get these kids into a better condition of health. As soon as they turn 18, parents have so much less information and so much less leverage and when something really bad does happen, it can be really hard to help them. They might start self-medicating with controlled substances for example, fail out of college, lose jobs, who knows. And when their situation gets bad enough, they may turn to their parents for help, and that will put him, and you, in a really stressful and difficult situation.

Really truly consider whether you want this for your kids. I get that you want to move in with this guy and all get along and do family holidays together etc., it's a beautiful dream, but how does that happen if his children continue to have mental health problems? I am an adult child in this situation, and let me tell you, it's not so merry when you're expected to show up and fake a normal holiday but the parents are preoccupied with attempting to manage the long-term entrenched mental health conditions of my stepsiblings.

So what are you suggesting? That we stop being together unless and until his kids are treated because all future gatherings will be stressful?

You should have dumped him ten plus years ago when you realized he wasn’t getting care for his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

OK. You win.

Look, it's not an easy road to be the parent of adults with mental health problems. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for some even more difficult challenges if he doesn't intervene and get these kids into a better condition of health. As soon as they turn 18, parents have so much less information and so much less leverage and when something really bad does happen, it can be really hard to help them. They might start self-medicating with controlled substances for example, fail out of college, lose jobs, who knows. And when their situation gets bad enough, they may turn to their parents for help, and that will put him, and you, in a really stressful and difficult situation.

Really truly consider whether you want this for your kids. I get that you want to move in with this guy and all get along and do family holidays together etc., it's a beautiful dream, but how does that happen if his children continue to have mental health problems? I am an adult child in this situation, and let me tell you, it's not so merry when you're expected to show up and fake a normal holiday but the parents are preoccupied with attempting to manage the long-term entrenched mental health conditions of my stepsiblings.

So what are you suggesting? That we stop being together unless and until his kids are treated because all future gatherings will be stressful?

You should have dumped him ten plus years ago when you realized he wasn’t getting care for his children.

This. So they're rude to you, and he allows it, and this is the fault of his ex? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

15 years from now his kids will be adults. Are you seriously advocating adult kids having veto power over their divorced parent's choice of new partner? I get that you may not like that your father has a new partner, but if you're an adult, your choices are to accept it or to stay away. If you must get together for holidays, it looks sort of childish to affect complete coldness out of fear that you may be pressured to do more if you show the slightest bit of courtesy.