How to handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So how does one help children post divorce move on?
This scenario followed all the rules--didn't date immediately post divorce, didn't bring in woman after woman into the kids lives, didn't introduce kids till things were serious, woman doesn't spend the night, kids are not part of the scene but yet the relationship is very committed and has been for years. We even spend holidays apart so no one feels threatened. There is no reason to feel threatened because we have prioritized the kids/their well being and not changing things for them. But ex wife has made it her mission to paint me and my kids as the wrong doers because she hasn't been able to move on and accept. When they tantrum about my kids, they will say "it's unfair to mom".

So how does one help in this situation?

Address it with them. Did you cheat on mom or why did you divorce? Tell them that you’re sorry it’s making their mom unhappy but you cannot fix her happiness now.

[Anonymous]

Trauma doesn’t give you mental illness. Trauma is a part of life and millions of people get it and process it without a diagnosis. A difficult time is not an illness.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

OK. You win.

Look, it's not an easy road to be the parent of adults with mental health problems. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for some even more difficult challenges if he doesn't intervene and get these kids into a better condition of health. As soon as they turn 18, parents have so much less information and so much less leverage and when something really bad does happen, it can be really hard to help them. They might start self-medicating with controlled substances for example, fail out of college, lose jobs, who knows. And when their situation gets bad enough, they may turn to their parents for help, and that will put him, and you, in a really stressful and difficult situation.

Really truly consider whether you want this for your kids. I get that you want to move in with this guy and all get along and do family holidays together etc., it's a beautiful dream, but how does that happen if his children continue to have mental health problems? I am an adult child in this situation, and let me tell you, it's not so merry when you're expected to show up and fake a normal holiday but the parents are preoccupied with attempting to manage the long-term entrenched mental health conditions of my stepsiblings.

So what are you suggesting? That we stop being together unless and until his kids are treated because all future gatherings will be stressful?

I would suggest either he gets them mental health care, he allows you to get them mental health care (if you're willing to let him abdicate as a parent and do the work for him), or you give up on ever having both sets of kids together, or you break up with him and date someone else. Or I guess you can see how things go, maybe they'll get mental health care on their own, anything's possible.

As the kid in this situation, I just hate to see my mom's retirement being so consumed with the mental health problems of her partner's adult children. And I'm not willing to bring my own children to my mom's for the holidays because of the mental health behaviors. It's sad. I much prefer my mom to have a partner in life, but I think she would be much better off if she had chosen someone else to date, who didn't bring all these problems to the relationship. It's not his fault that his children have mental health problems, but he's never been willing to deal with it effectively and it's affecting my mom a lot. She's an adult and she made her choice, but I'm not willing to go along with it as if everything's fine.

OP here--I would not be in a position to get them mental health care. I don't parent them at all. I don't even drive them places.

What is going on that you cannot drive them! What is the custody like?

[Anonymous]

Things may change once they are away at college a few years. Being away from the situation, growing up and maturing may change their view of things. If they have spent very little time with you or your kids, then they are never going to see you as family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I am just reaching the point where I find it ridiculous how my kids get treated by his kids. They either will vanish to their rooms, refuse to engage or just ignore my kids if we are out for an activity. My kids notice but don't say much as they know the "visit" will be short lived and everyone will go back to their respective lives.

You posted the kids have not seen each other since April, so, who cares? They aren't getting "treated" any kind of way with basically no contact.

We can't control other people, OP, not his ex, not his kids. Give up on that fantasy of yours.

Learn to gray rock, it's the route to peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So how does one help children post divorce move on?
This scenario followed all the rules--didn't date immediately post divorce, didn't bring in woman after woman into the kids lives, didn't introduce kids till things were serious, woman doesn't spend the night, kids are not part of the scene but yet the relationship is very committed and has been for years. We even spend holidays apart so no one feels threatened. There is no reason to feel threatened because we have prioritized the kids/their well being and not changing things for them. But ex wife has made it her mission to paint me and my kids as the wrong doers because she hasn't been able to move on and accept. When they tantrum about my kids, they will say "it's unfair to mom".

So how does one help in this situation?

I would learn to accept the situation as it may not ever change. Focus on the one YOU can control, YOU.

Let your boyfriend parent his kids.

I get you want his ex and his kids to be different but you have no control over other people. I get you feel like you followed some "rules" and there should be a payoff, etc. If you and he are less reactive it may dial down the drama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

How can he have 100% custody but his kids have not seen yours since April?

Calling TROLL.

And if you are not, you are nutty like she is. You say she is perturbed, well, pot/kettle. If your guy exists, he has a TYPE.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

Well, sounds like they are behaving like adolescents who experienced, and are continuing to experience, a difficult situation. You and your boyfriend should bring a trauma-informed approach and seek professional help for his children. Because what they're going through is terribly difficult, and is a *much* bigger deal than them not being courteous on outings. Stop thinking about you and what you want. If the ex is really that bad then you need to view their behavior as a cry for help. And as a sign of potential post-traumatic and hereditary mental health issues as well.

If their struggle and their mental health isn't being properly addressed, then life is going to be difficult for everyone. And if your boyfriend isn't taking the lead in addressing it, then you should break up with him because he's a bad parent. It's naive new-girlfriend stuff to blame the ex-wife for everything. He chose her. And he has 100% custody so there should be no obstacle to him seeking professional help for his children.

I happen to think my mom's boyfriend sucks and his kids suck too and I've never met his ex, btw. It's not always because of that. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.

I 100% agree with the first paragraph. This is much bigger than me and my kids. And I recognize it. My boyfriend doesn't bad mouth his ex ever (to me or to his kids) but I have been around long enough to see her actions and effect. So again, this isn't a question of just blaming the ex. She will pick up the kids and complain about us to the point where they beg her to stop, say they don't want to visit her because all she does is complain about their dad etc. She basically has driven the narrative from afar. It's parental alienation even though they live with boyfriend because mom didn't want custody (important).

Where's the part where your boyfriend is seeking mental health interventions for his children? He sounds like he's just avoiding it.

It's really hard to alienate a parent on such a low-hour schedule! I wonder why they find her statements so credible. Hm....

Because when you are the Disney parent who does no heavy lifting in parenting, you're given a pass by teenagers who want the easy way out.

So, what's your boyfriend doing to help his children who are so evidently in need of mental health care?

I have been encouraging him to get them mental health help but he's very old school and a bit of an avoidant/not talk about it kind of guy. I think that's a problem but I can't tell him how to parent but I do make suggestions.

So obviously a troll

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you simply don't want to face the fact that this is exactly the type of "baggage" that comes with partnering up with divorced people with kids. You risk losing control of a big chunk of the relationship with your partner, due to his/her kids. But you chose this route. Playing by the books don't always guarantee the outcomes you expected. 'Tis life.

[Anonymous]

I think that the only way to handle this is not stop having the kids interact. You say that you aren't trying to 'blend', but you are forcing interactions. Why do they need to do things together? Just let it go. And stop interacting with his kids.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

OK. You win.

Look, it's not an easy road to be the parent of adults with mental health problems. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for some even more difficult challenges if he doesn't intervene and get these kids into a better condition of health. As soon as they turn 18, parents have so much less information and so much less leverage and when something really bad does happen, it can be really hard to help them. They might start self-medicating with controlled substances for example, fail out of college, lose jobs, who knows. And when their situation gets bad enough, they may turn to their parents for help, and that will put him, and you, in a really stressful and difficult situation.

Really truly consider whether you want this for your kids. I get that you want to move in with this guy and all get along and do family holidays together etc., it's a beautiful dream, but how does that happen if his children continue to have mental health problems? I am an adult child in this situation, and let me tell you, it's not so merry when you're expected to show up and fake a normal holiday but the parents are preoccupied with attempting to manage the long-term entrenched mental health conditions of my stepsiblings.

So what are you suggesting? That we stop being together unless and until his kids are treated because all future gatherings will be stressful?

I would suggest either he gets them mental health care, he allows you to get them mental health care (if you're willing to let him abdicate as a parent and do the work for him), or you give up on ever having both sets of kids together, or you break up with him and date someone else. Or I guess you can see how things go, maybe they'll get mental health care on their own, anything's possible.

As the kid in this situation, I just hate to see my mom's retirement being so consumed with the mental health problems of her partner's adult children. And I'm not willing to bring my own children to my mom's for the holidays because of the mental health behaviors. It's sad. I much prefer my mom to have a partner in life, but I think she would be much better off if she had chosen someone else to date, who didn't bring all these problems to the relationship. It's not his fault that his children have mental health problems, but he's never been willing to deal with it effectively and it's affecting my mom a lot. She's an adult and she made her choice, but I'm not willing to go along with it as if everything's fine.

OP here--I would not be in a position to get them mental health care. I don't parent them at all. I don't even drive them places.

What is going on that you cannot drive them! What is the custody like?

Because we maintain different households. I have my own kids to drive around. Boyfriend drives his kids (one whom drives herself).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

How can he have 100% custody but his kids have not seen yours since April?

Calling TROLL.

And if you are not, you are nutty like she is. You say she is perturbed, well, pot/kettle. If your guy exists, he has a TYPE.

His kids have seen ME since April. They haven't seen my
Kids. I share custody with exDH.

[Anonymous]

Well I would think they don't like you, for several reasons.

1) Teens just don't really like adults that much.

2) You're trying to make them spend time with you and your kids, and they don't want to. It doesn't matter why they don't want to. You're trying to pressure and coerce them and they don't like being pressured and coerced.

3) You're planning to move in to their dad's house or have him give up his house and move in with you, so that they can't come home without seeing you and maybe your kids. So they are losing the peace of their home, and maybe the home itself, permanently. You think they don't know this, but they do, and they don't like it.

4) You are treating them like they are little and clueless or stupid, and that offends them. See above.

[Anonymous]

OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I would think they don't like you, for several reasons.

1) Teens just don't really like adults that much.

2) You're trying to make them spend time with you and your kids, and they don't want to. It doesn't matter why they don't want to. You're trying to pressure and coerce them and they don't like being pressured and coerced.

3) You're planning to move in to their dad's house or have him give up his house and move in with you, so that they can't come home without seeing you and maybe your kids. So they are losing the peace of their home, and maybe the home itself, permanently. You think they don't know this, but they do, and they don't like it.

4) You are treating them like they are little and clueless or stupid, and that offends them. See above.

1. Ok. Fine. I agree.

2. I don't make them do anything with me. Our Spring Break overlapped in FLORIDA for one day and that's the last time they had to see us.

3. My kids are younger so I am not planning on moving into their house and nor is their dad planning on moving into mine. When everyone is grown and we RETIRE, we might move somewhere new together. Don't a lot of people do that? That shouldn't be a threat.

4. I am not treating them like they are clueless. Where do you get off projecting this much?????