How to handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

OK. You win.

Look, it's not an easy road to be the parent of adults with mental health problems. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for some even more difficult challenges if he doesn't intervene and get these kids into a better condition of health. As soon as they turn 18, parents have so much less information and so much less leverage and when something really bad does happen, it can be really hard to help them. They might start self-medicating with controlled substances for example, fail out of college, lose jobs, who knows. And when their situation gets bad enough, they may turn to their parents for help, and that will put him, and you, in a really stressful and difficult situation.

Really truly consider whether you want this for your kids. I get that you want to move in with this guy and all get along and do family holidays together etc., it's a beautiful dream, but how does that happen if his children continue to have mental health problems? I am an adult child in this situation, and let me tell you, it's not so merry when you're expected to show up and fake a normal holiday but the parents are preoccupied with attempting to manage the long-term entrenched mental health conditions of my stepsiblings.

So what are you suggesting? That we stop being together unless and until his kids are treated because all future gatherings will be stressful?

You should have dumped him ten plus years ago when you realized he wasn’t getting care for his children.

This. So they're rude to you, and he allows it, and this is the fault of his ex? Come on.

Op here. They aren't rude to me. They're rude to my kids.

Honestly that is interesting and I wonder why.

But the bottom line is he allows it. And he won't get them mental health support. You have a boyfriend problem.

You're one person driving this entire thread. I think you need mental health counseling for your own issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

15 years from now his kids will be adults. Are you seriously advocating adult kids having veto power over their divorced parent's choice of new partner? I get that you may not like that your father has a new partner, but if you're an adult, your choices are to accept it or to stay away. If you must get together for holidays, it looks sort of childish to affect complete coldness out of fear that you may be pressured to do more if you show the slightest bit of courtesy.

I'm not advocating veto power, I'm suggesting to OP that she needs to consider her options. This may never change. Her boyfriend is not willing to do anything about it. Seems like a roll of the dice whether they will come around, at best. She has a boyfriend problem here.

Unfortunately my coldness to my mother's partner and his kids is necessary because it's the only way to get my mother to respect my boundaries. I wish we could all be cordially impersonal, but time has taught me that she will never settle for less than the close "blended" family of her imagination and will never acknowledge the very real obstacles to that happening. So, coldness it is. I genuinely wish it were different, but when people can't accept that others have boundaries, relationships don't go well.

You have your issues and you've ruined this entire thread with your own personal baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

15 years from now his kids will be adults. Are you seriously advocating adult kids having veto power over their divorced parent's choice of new partner? I get that you may not like that your father has a new partner, but if you're an adult, your choices are to accept it or to stay away. If you must get together for holidays, it looks sort of childish to affect complete coldness out of fear that you may be pressured to do more if you show the slightest bit of courtesy.

Well yes, so does OP think the future holds many happy holidays that are boycotted by his kids? And that he'll be happy with that as the status quo? It doesn't sound so great to me. Not saying the kids should have veto power or that they are right to avoid (though they may be, I don't know), I'm just saying does OP see her relationship thriving if this is how things shake out with his kids? Or the same if her kids choose to avoid-- will OP be happy with that outcome in the long run?

OP does not think his kids will boycott anything in the future. They don't have another family to go to. Their mom has never had them for any holiday. They are very close to all of their dads family. They don't have family on moms side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

15 years from now his kids will be adults. Are you seriously advocating adult kids having veto power over their divorced parent's choice of new partner? I get that you may not like that your father has a new partner, but if you're an adult, your choices are to accept it or to stay away. If you must get together for holidays, it looks sort of childish to affect complete coldness out of fear that you may be pressured to do more if you show the slightest bit of courtesy.

I'm not advocating veto power, I'm suggesting to OP that she needs to consider her options. This may never change. Her boyfriend is not willing to do anything about it. Seems like a roll of the dice whether they will come around, at best. She has a boyfriend problem here.

Unfortunately my coldness to my mother's partner and his kids is necessary because it's the only way to get my mother to respect my boundaries. I wish we could all be cordially impersonal, but time has taught me that she will never settle for less than the close "blended" family of her imagination and will never acknowledge the very real obstacles to that happening. So, coldness it is. I genuinely wish it were different, but when people can't accept that others have boundaries, relationships don't go well.

Your answers are informed by your own scenario that may well have nothing to do with what OP is dealing with.

No, my answers are informed by what OP has said. The kids don't like her, the boyfriend won't do anything about it. There's no reason to think this will change. Stay or go?

OP here. I never said the kids don't like me. Ever. They behave towards me like they would any adult that's only tangentially in their life.

Exactly... that's what you are. They don't need mental health counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

15 years from now his kids will be adults. Are you seriously advocating adult kids having veto power over their divorced parent's choice of new partner? I get that you may not like that your father has a new partner, but if you're an adult, your choices are to accept it or to stay away. If you must get together for holidays, it looks sort of childish to affect complete coldness out of fear that you may be pressured to do more if you show the slightest bit of courtesy.

Well yes, so does OP think the future holds many happy holidays that are boycotted by his kids? And that he'll be happy with that as the status quo? It doesn't sound so great to me. Not saying the kids should have veto power or that they are right to avoid (though they may be, I don't know), I'm just saying does OP see her relationship thriving if this is how things shake out with his kids? Or the same if her kids choose to avoid-- will OP be happy with that outcome in the long run?

OP does not think his kids will boycott anything in the future. They don't have another family to go to. Their mom has never had them for any holiday. They are very close to all of their dads family. They don't have family on moms side.

They could just not come home at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

15 years from now his kids will be adults. Are you seriously advocating adult kids having veto power over their divorced parent's choice of new partner? I get that you may not like that your father has a new partner, but if you're an adult, your choices are to accept it or to stay away. If you must get together for holidays, it looks sort of childish to affect complete coldness out of fear that you may be pressured to do more if you show the slightest bit of courtesy.

Well yes, so does OP think the future holds many happy holidays that are boycotted by his kids? And that he'll be happy with that as the status quo? It doesn't sound so great to me. Not saying the kids should have veto power or that they are right to avoid (though they may be, I don't know), I'm just saying does OP see her relationship thriving if this is how things shake out with his kids? Or the same if her kids choose to avoid-- will OP be happy with that outcome in the long run?

OP does not think his kids will boycott anything in the future. They don't have another family to go to. Their mom has never had them for any holiday. They are very close to all of their dads family. They don't have family on moms side.

They could just not come home at all.

Or they can grow up a bit. Plus OP's own kids will grow up too. Teenagers often dislike younger kids, not per se, but they dislike being pushed to engage with them when there aren't many natural points of engagement. When both kids are young adults or older teenagers, it's different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

15 years from now his kids will be adults. Are you seriously advocating adult kids having veto power over their divorced parent's choice of new partner? I get that you may not like that your father has a new partner, but if you're an adult, your choices are to accept it or to stay away. If you must get together for holidays, it looks sort of childish to affect complete coldness out of fear that you may be pressured to do more if you show the slightest bit of courtesy.

Well yes, so does OP think the future holds many happy holidays that are boycotted by his kids? And that he'll be happy with that as the status quo? It doesn't sound so great to me. Not saying the kids should have veto power or that they are right to avoid (though they may be, I don't know), I'm just saying does OP see her relationship thriving if this is how things shake out with his kids? Or the same if her kids choose to avoid-- will OP be happy with that outcome in the long run?

OP does not think his kids will boycott anything in the future. They don't have another family to go to. Their mom has never had them for any holiday. They are very close to all of their dads family. They don't have family on moms side.

They could just not come home at all.

Or they can grow up a bit. Plus OP's own kids will grow up too. Teenagers often dislike younger kids, not per se, but they dislike being pushed to engage with them when there aren't many natural points of engagement. When both kids are young adults or older teenagers, it's different.

Or they may always be kind but not close to OP and have zero interest in her kids.

[Anonymous]

Someone on this thread needs their own mental health counseling and it isn't OP or the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and been in a long term relationship with another divorced man for almost a decade. We both have children and we both have our own homes where our children reside (all kids in HS now). We are not blending but our kids know each other, have met our extended families and have grown up knowing their parents are in this committed relationship etc. But we have made a concerted effort not to blend. My exDH is very supportive of my relationship with my boyfriend and he knows his kids and has supported my kids through it all. My boyfriends ex wife is the opposite and has gone out of her way to paint us as evil, as those that are taking the resources away from them etc. It's not true but that's the narrative she has spun. As the kids have grown, they have become so busy that they barely see each other. My kids have not seen his kids since April of this year because their lives are so separate but yet his kids are still complaining about how we are there to replace them etc etc. They're almost out of HS. So not little kids to believe this nonsense since it's been a decade and we haven't moved in or done anything to jeopardize their security. How do we help them feel secure despite the narrative being spun about us from the exwife? I feel like my boyfriend has been very hands off and not wanting to badmouth his exwife to his kids but the damage is so clear that it's hard for anyone to ignore as they'll still have tantrums about how we are there to replace them.
Is this normal? How do we help them move on from this because our relationship is as committed as ever and our kids will be in each others lives. We will probably live together when everyone is in college but no plans till then. At that point, we would have been together for about 15yrs!!!!!

I think family therapy - the kids and their dad.

What I think is likely happening here is the kids are taking on their mother's issues and they don't know how to separate themselves from her issues without feeling like they are disloyal to her. This may organically happen at some point, but it hasn't happened yet. They need a third party to guide them through the process of setting boundaries and not feeling guilty about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP they are freezing you out on purpose because they know that if they're nice to you, you'll escalate your demands. You have an image of a blended family in your mind and if they show you any minor courtesy it makes you think you can implement it. So they have to be super cold to you to stop you from pressuring them. It's like when someone wants to date you and you don't want to date them-- they can't give you any encouragement and mixed messages make it worse. My mom is like this too, so I've had a freeze on her boyfriend and his family for 20 years. It isn't gonna change.

You need to ask yourself how this looks 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because they aren't going to come around. Your kids can spend holidays with your ex, I hope, if you choose this situation over time with your kids. His kids have nowhere else to go. So are you hoping they never come home? I just don't see how these ingredients produce an acceptable family life for anyone.

15 years from now his kids will be adults. Are you seriously advocating adult kids having veto power over their divorced parent's choice of new partner? I get that you may not like that your father has a new partner, but if you're an adult, your choices are to accept it or to stay away. If you must get together for holidays, it looks sort of childish to affect complete coldness out of fear that you may be pressured to do more if you show the slightest bit of courtesy.

I'm not advocating veto power, I'm suggesting to OP that she needs to consider her options. This may never change. Her boyfriend is not willing to do anything about it. Seems like a roll of the dice whether they will come around, at best. She has a boyfriend problem here.

Unfortunately my coldness to my mother's partner and his kids is necessary because it's the only way to get my mother to respect my boundaries. I wish we could all be cordially impersonal, but time has taught me that she will never settle for less than the close "blended" family of her imagination and will never acknowledge the very real obstacles to that happening. So, coldness it is. I genuinely wish it were different, but when people can't accept that others have boundaries, relationships don't go well.

You have your issues and you've ruined this entire thread with your own personal baggage.

Clear to me that one person on this thread has DEFINITE issues and dumped on OP. Why do you have boundaries? Why are you so dead set on making your moms life miserable?